Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
Justus5
Can’t really take the credit for that thought. It was Louise. I just elaborated.
That’s what I love about this place, somebody says something and another piece of the puzzle clunks into place and inspires a new way of seeing the shiat that you’ve been through.
Been reading your story justus5 …..phew! That’s a lot of shiat you been through. You got waders? Lol.
Kindest regards to you and yours
Just us 5,
even after 3 years, of studying them, I’m still getting clarity each day about what they want and how they think.
They want to turn us into them, so yes they do like us to be spathy, but I think they prefer to start with innocent victims, so they can corrupt us.
Recently, I’ve been making note of all the survivors who say their spaths loved to watch them jump through hoops to please them, especially in regards to trying to look good for them. One woman told me that her exspath has his wife working out non-stop so she doesn’t gain weight. Other’s have mentioned how the spaths liked them to dress differently. I’ve observed some of that too. They are quite pleased that women go to great lengths to make themselves look good for them. I told my spath that women actually try to look good for each other because we like to “play dressup” as part of our natures. He didn’t want to believe me. Now I know why. It bruised his ego.
Marie, the couple assisting you help restore my faith in humanity too! I have a feeling they are also grateful that you and your daughter are a part of their lives. A rewarding experience for all. So nice to see true kindness out there.
Lone Wolf, I was married for 30 years to one of these empty people. I didn’t see the mask completely slip until three years ago however in looking back all the clues were there, I just disregarded what didn’t make sense and assumed I was missing an important piece of data. Does not compute – disregard. I won’t be doing that again!
Regarding your sister, it’s difficult to accept seeing who they really are…….and then no one believes you. Is she projecting her behaviors onto you? My ex has told many people that I did all the things he really did behind my back. There isn’t much I can do but walk away. If I didn’t live it, I wouldn’t believe it.
Be well.
SW, thank you for your kind words. I’m glad to hear you are doing well – as it goes in this forum. It’s taking me a long time to get through it all too – so hard to accept that they never cared at all.
I agree that NC is the way to go however I do still have some interaction with mine. My young adult son has chosen to stay in the house he grew up in……which my ex and his gf are living in. Sure is difficult to envision a family life there while I’m alone. Thankfully my son does make an effort to spend time with me each week. I think none of it is making sense to him (home was stable all his life) so he’s tossing it into the “disregard” pile …..too much to comprehend I think.
Hoping each new day is better than the one before it! 🙂
~New
PS. I also never shared any details with my son but did tell him I would truthfully answer any questions he had. I don’t think he wants to know.
Strongwoman and Sky
Strong woman-Yes, I seen that Louis started the thought but you put it together so it clicked for me. I don’t have waders, where I come from we have shitkickers(farm country), better then waders and just what’s needed for all the shiat.
Sky-didnt really think mine made me jump through hoops to look good, but…seems like he did when I think about it. However, all he had to do is NOT compliment me, I would say he knew it too. I have always been in good shape but now looking back I think I did it to look good for him.
A lot guys, exspecially these days, tell me how pretty I am. When I told my nh that a young one, early twenties, said I was his trophy wife, he told me that means I’m stupid. Yeah, sure, it CAN mean that, but the kid meant it as “hot and sexy”, someone you’d want on your arm. I mean really, has trophy wife ever meant just stupid? If anything stupid but gorgeous, never just stupid and my nh would NOT give me the gorgeous
part. I also happen to know that this kid did NOT consider me stupid.
They control us with comments or lack of comments on our looks. Mine did use to pinch my skin and tell me I was fat, followed by a chuckle, yeah a joke…NOT. Now I know it was meant to control me. It worked, I stayed almost anorexic up to 6 months ago.
I remember mine had me do this weird thing with my eyeliner, years ago. He told me he really liked it. Yeah, ah uh, jokes on me. Cr&p I looked like cat woman. Dang, and I did it, for him.
Justus5,
Lmao….shit kickers! If someone has pointy shoes we call em shit flickers here. Same principle I suppose, haha.
My ex hated me wearing make up or looking attractive. Oh and if I showed a tiny bit of cleavage or wore anything really that he considered unsuitable, he would be furious. He’d proceed to call me names, slut etc.
He would even question why I was washing my hair! At first he told me he didn’t like make up, he preferred the natural look……later on he told
me I was too attractive with make up.
It’s another one of those mindfark situations. You want to look good for them but you end up being accused of bein a flirt because you attract or potentially you will attract attention from men or women. And there’s only room for him in that spotlight.
My ex did similar things to yours. If I was proud or showing off, in his opinion, I had to be put down. He would scoff at me. Ridicule or belittle my achievements. He hated my confidence. Envy, Justus, pure unadulterated envy.
And no, I agree with you. Trophy wife is a beautiful woman. Someone you want to show off ……what a moron, so glad you kicked it to the kerb.
By the time they’ve finished you’re a quivering wreck. Reliant on them for every morsel no matter how small to patch up that poor battered brain, that self esteem that’s been reduced to pulp.
Ok, where’s that Maya Angelou poem that Truthy posted. You may write me down in history with your bitter twisted lies ……but still I rise. Apologies for paraphrasing.
Anyway after all that waffling on …..I have a lot of issues with that part of the relationshit…..I wanted to say your instincts were/are right.
You looked hot n sexy. Some guy much younger than him, snark, made a comment. He was fired up with jealousy and hatred. Bingo, kaboom…..there ya go honey. Back in your place. Underneath the cosh of the spath.
Ps, get a good friend to giv you some feedback on the cat woman eyeliner. Weirdly, my ex liked that too. But not on me obviously. Sheesh what the f…k?
New,
Glad you get to see your son. It sounds like a difficult situation. Sometimes the guilt I feel over bad choices of partner and subsequent father of my children is overwhelming. My youngest daughter “suffers” the most from her fathers unique brand of parenting. My eldest daughter doesnt really give a xxxx. I like what you said…..toss it into the disregard pile. …great phrase.
Thanks for the good wishes. Right back at ya. An old Irish saying……May the road rise to meet you.
Kind regards New.
Catwoman eyeliner…………interesting, absolutely! The exspath HATED my wearing eyeliner. He said that it made me “look dead.” WELL…………well, well, well……… it might have been a huge turnon that he couldn’t control, seeing as he was into veiled necrophilia (at the very least).
ew…..my gorge just rose.
For whatever reason, I just lost the post I wrote.
I’d like to read anyone’s “take” on the following:
A few days before I ended the marriage, I had used costume makeup to paint a leering skull face on myself for Halloween. This wasn’t the first time that I ever did this – it was pretty routine year after year.
But, this year, it was different. It had been a few weeks after my initial discovery of what the expath had been doing. He walked into the house after work and saw my face and exhibited what I can only describe as terror. He didn’t shriek or shout out, but he was visibly un-nerved. He kept staring at my face, and I took full advantage of the situation and just let my eyes follow him around the room without moving my head. He moved back and forth in his usual pattern, and each time he walked through the room where I was sitting, he would stare at my face and sort of hug the perimeter of the room.
I had never seen the exspath react to anything in this fashion, EVER. And, truth be told, I took malicious delight in his discomfort. It was the first, and ONLY time that I had ever witnessed such a visceral reaction from him, and I am really curious as to why he might have behaved that way.
My ex exhibited the following traits, some of which I believe would attribute to the behavior you witnessed.
1) Highly superstitious. Perhaps it’s a window for how evil they are. That would have freaked my ex out after his mask was down. He also may not have remembered it from previous years. Though highly intelligent (high end career) his personal life memory is like swiss cheese…..lots of holes in it.
2) Once the mask is completely removed they are not sure how to behave. They feel exposed.