Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:
I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did when I wasn’t. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that’s when I realized it wasn’t the drugs. He has always been able to get his way and talk people into things. I always made excuses and actually made myself believe he would grow out of it as he got older. But I did not pinpoint what “it” was until discovering Lovefraud.
I’ve been divorced for over 2 years now and my ex-husband is remarried to someone with 2 young teenage children. I sometimes get obsessed thinking about whether or not they are happy. I often wonder if he’s better to her than he was to me. I know our 22-year-old son feels somewhat replaced and like his father just moved right on with no problem (which I know is typical of a sociopath). I guess I need some reassurance about sociopaths in second marriages from experts to put my mind at rest. My ex has a history of lying, cheating drug use (actually got more sociopathic after he got clean and sober for over 8 years). About 6 months before I filed for divorce, he told me he gets a rush out of getting away with things and it’s gone on since he was a kid and he doesn’t know why. I just want to know that his new marriage is not all candy and roses. Can you address sociopaths in new marriages on your site? While I know I sound a little pathetic, I think it may help many.
Put your mind at ease: Your ex-husband does not love his new wife. He will never love his new wife. The reason is quite simple: Sociopaths are incapable of love.
Acting the part
Now, they are quite capable of acting like they are in love. They can give a command performance of heartfelt sentiments and promises of endless fidelity. But it is an act, and when the partner no longer serves a purpose for the sociopath, the act will end.
The new wife, of course, does not know this. So while your ex-husband is acting like he is in love, the new wife may legitimately be in love. She may be happy. She may be thrilled. She may believe that she’s found the person she’s been waiting for all her life, and all her dreams have come true.
Your ex-husband will nurture her dreams, at least while she still has something that he wants, which could be money, a place to live, or a facade of normalcy should he start using drugs again. After all, he gets a rush out of getting away with things like deceiving the new wife.
Truth revealed
Eventually he will revert to his true, miserable self. But even as the wife starts to see the same lies, gambling, cheating and drug use that you saw, for a time she will overlook the behavior, or support her man as he goes for a fourth round of rehab. For a time she will continue to believe the act.
Sooner or later, however, your ex-husband’s mask will slip again, or he will completely remove it. When she sees the truth, she will experience the same pain, devastation and betrayal that you experienced.
He is what he is
You need to get to the point where you thoroughly understand that he is what he is, and he will always be what he is. A snake is always a snake. He will not be a snake with you and a teddy bear with her.
Your ex-husband is a sociopath. Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the loving and empathetic people who make up the rest of the human race, and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. If you think of them as aliens, you aren’t far off.
Once you viscerally understand this, your obsession should come to an end.
The new wife (now ex wife) fared no better, she had something he wanted a place to stay, someone to do his washing and tell him how wonderful he was. In fact in a very nasty email to my son she claimed ‘he is the most honest, honorable and principled man she had ever met’. Fast forward 12 months to the day of their first wedding anniversary and she was confronted by bailiffs coming to collect 2 years worth of child maintenance. She hit the bailiff, police were called ….3 hours later they managed to get £5k off her mother and label up all the goods in the house for auction. During all these shenanigans not a sign of the spath.
He spent tens of thousands of pounds on her and her various children and for his trouble he got kicked out, and is now living in a rented flat by himself until he can find the next victim on the internet! He managed to get 2 decree absolutes in 3 years which is some going ..
The mask always slips, this spath in particular is not a good liar, he tells so many stories he can’t remember them all! Neither I or my children will ever have contact with him, we know exactly what he is, he is also very jealous of his own children.
At his last court appearance (child maintenance again!) he moaned he doesn’t get a father’s day card …lol! NC is the only way. He has not seen either of the children in years (my fault of course), his loss, and my life as a result (apart from endless court appearances) has been a lot easier.
Hugs to all and it does get better ..eventually ..acceptance and then back to life …bruised, battered and wiser.
Movingon, whether the new targets are true victims, or spaths that “connect,” you are absolutely spot-on: the mask always slips.
What a sad, sad dad he is! No “Father’s Day” card? Oh, my…..let me just dab at my eyes, here. NOT
Hugs back at you!
Hey All~ I have posted several times throughout the past 7 years that I have been divorced from my ex spath and you all have helped me through some tough times. Thank you! I have had to fight numerous battles in court in an effort to try to keep my 2 children with me. I have had to file bankruptcy because of him and I eventually lost my son to him last December. My son is a tremendous baseball player (15 years old) and my ex sees dollar signs if he can get him to the pros. So, he convinced my son that he would never amount to anything if he lived with me. The abuse I took from my son was unbearable and I finally had to let go in an effort to save me, my new marriage, and my daughter (13 years old). I am happy to say that I finally have peace in my life. I hate that it’s at the expense of my son, but for now, we are all happy (as far as I know). My relationship with my son is much better. He only lives 30 minutes away, but I do not see him very much. I told him that I am here for him and he is welcome home whenever he wants, but just to let me know what he needs from me. He comes home about once a month, but it’s when he wants to and it’s very pleasant now. I go to ball games when I want and the load off my shoulders is amazing! I have a feeling that he will be coming back home to lick his wounds some day when his dad drops him.
However, my post is not about my son…it’s about my daughter. I am looking for any advice – any words – to help her pain. My ex forces her to go over there for his visitation and she hates it. She is so aware that she is not important to him and that her activities don’t matter. She gets dragged around to baseball tournaments at the expense of missing her cheer practices and voice lessons. He is constantly on her about what she eats and how much she exercises (which is not very much). She is not heavy by any means, but she does turn to food for comfort and is starting to put on a few pounds. I worry too, but do not want to make her feel bad. I try to focus on eating healthy and exercising for health. Anyway, we all know why he’s doing this and she even has some insight as well – she is very wise.
I fully believe that she will be better off than my son as an adult, but I want to make sure I do everything I can for her right now. She is hurting so badly and keeps most of it in. Any thoughts?
Thanks so much!
Elizabeth, I don’t know the Laws where you live, but if you’re in the U.S., most States allow children to determine whether they will, or will not, concede to “visitation” with a non-custodial parent at the age of 12.
Of course, he’s trying to manipulate her, and it may be advisable to seek individual counseling therapy for her, ASAP. This does not mean that she’s nuts, by any stretch of the imagination – it means that this situation is beyond everyone’s ability to manage, especially for a child.
One thing that I can recommend from my own experience is to reinforce that she has value. And, the expression of that can go along the lines of, “You realize, don’t you, that you are very talented!” Attaching no expectations of capitalizing on those talents or gifts increases the value of the observation. It’s a simple, straightforward observation without ANY hidden or veiled “expectations.” Again, this is probably why seeking counseling might be a good option.
She’s 13 – she’s adolescent – she’s GOING to put on pounds, here and there, and they’ll sort themselves out as she continues developing. It’s an awkward age for girls, and their appearances alter from week-to-week.
Brightest blessings to you
Oh, Elizabeth, you can bet that your son will likely return to you. Too many parents look at their children’s natural abilities as “their ticket” to wealth through professional sports. We, as a culture, have given TOO much prestige to sports, as a career, and it is a long, hard, and often-foolish aspiration to put every focus on professional sports as a career. All it takes is one knee injury to wipe out a teenager’s unrealistic aspirations at a professional career, and parents that are unable (or, unwilling) to recognize this one simple fact are foolish.
Bless your heart……..hugs to you
Parallelogram,
Eerie how spaths influence so many things that we don’t even realize. I remember ABBA, used to have a album of theirs. I have to say that I listen to music with a new ear after being involved with this P. And Salvador Dali was his favorite artist. Go figure. I often felt like I was living in one of those paintings.
parallelogram,
It’s hard for me to say whether that is his normal tone or not. There is something different about it, but I can’t put my finger on it. Yeah, maybe it’s the lack of emotion. He usually injects lots of dramatic overtones to most of his stories. I was unsettled when I got it too. I knew it must mean something but never figured out what.
I will say though that the thought process he describes, his observations and constructs about what must have happened, are typical. As is the paranoia about possibly being in danger of getting rabies. He is extremely self-protective of his life, constantly thinking about vulnerabilities he might have.
Honestly, I don’t believe anymore, that peach fuzz affected him at all. I think he just said that as part of a mask of being able to feel. He feels nothing except envy.
I love your quip “what is essential is invisible to the eye, right?” Of course the spath wouldn’t get it, to them all that exists is the facade, a mask that, for them, creates reality. Change the mask and they believe they’ve changed the reality. For them, that’s actually the case, since they have no true form except that shameful core of evil.
Your spath’s gushing gratitude followed by returning the book in shabby condition is typical: idealize, devalue, discard. They do it in these little ways too. It seems as if they are just thoughtless but in fact they put a lot of thought into it.
Shelley,
Yeah, I can’t help thinking that it was a tell about a bat he was going to put in the house.
Truth,
yep, lots of detail to place the reader into the story. He does that. It’s possible that his intent was simply to make me worry about him. He liked to imagine how much I suffered on his behalf. Truth is, I never worried much about him. I learned early on that he could take care of himself very well, though I later learned the true extent of his abilities.
BF and I were only playing about the bat. I knew it was dead but I was letting myself get all worked up. So it was cathartic to go running through the forest and get it out of my system. We both were laughing when we were doing it.
Funny thing, I couldn’t bear to pick up the bat because it just creeped me out so much. It’s the same exact feeling I had when I went to pay the neighborhood slut the association dues last week. It’s just so creepy and disgusting.
Hyper-vigilance has always been my normal state, from being raised in a spath household. Mostly, I think my feelings are more about depression. I’m disillusioned about people. I can see the evil in people so easily and there is so much of it everywhere. It makes me tired.
Does your young son live with you? I do think your older one is spath. That sounds so much like the things my spath would do to me, to keep me afraid he would come to harm.
Hello Elizabeth,
Well done for handling such a difficult situation so well. Re your daughter, I agree with the person(Truthy?)who said praise her as much as you possibly can. I’m a firm believer that confidence is a gift we can choose to bestow upon our children. So much more preferable than trying to acquire it in later life. My two daughters, both adults now, had to and still have to deal with their “difficult” father. I gave up a long time ago trying to get him to be more supportive, particularly emotionally. Being a teenager is going to be problematic for most young people and you can only control your input if she agrees to keep seeing him.
It’s not much comfort but you sound like youve got your head screwed on the right way, as opposed to him. Time will tell but in my exp, the tables will be turned in only a few short years. Tempus fugit my friend …..and then your children will be calling the shots on who they are, who they choose to associate with and who is standing firmly in their corner.
Good luck and best wishes to you
Skylar, my youngest is with me and his brother IS, indeed, sociopathic to the point where he’s a danger to himself and others. The sad bit about the older brother is that he can be charismatic, and it reminds me very much of cult leaders. That he is willing (and, ABLE) to deliberately injure himself, scar himself, and damage himself is very, very disturbing. He was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder Cluster B……..and, he’s sociopath.
Oh, boy…….makes me want to live in a cave, somewhere, with a pad of matches and a Swiss Army Knife……
Donna: Thank you for writing this. It’s true. The next ‘victim’ will eventually end up in the same boat as we were. They just don’t have them figured out yet. When they do, they will be pushed from the cliff too, with no conscience, remorse nor regret. Sometimes they are capable of keeping up the rouse for years. BECAUSE THEY WANT SOMETHING FROM US. But when that mask starts melting and sliding down their face, it’s unmistakable. NOBODY gets treated any differently than the way we were treated and that is a HUGE comfort realizing this. It takes a while to figure it all out. At times, I thought I was on the brink of insanity. I have been broken and crushed by this whole experience, as a person, yes, but within the soul, where it’s more difficult to rebuild yourself. That is evilness and since someone else wants it, they can have it. I am finished being tormented, used, abused and disrespected. THEY CAN HAVE IT.
I take HUGE comfort in knowing that all of their relationships always end up the same because they are selfish, narcissistic individuals who only truly care about themselves. Like a wild animal in the forest, foraging, constantly…
Thanks for this validation, Donna.
It was like finding a hug.
Dupey