In a local tragedy a week ago, a woman, Tracy Coleman, her brother and her 13-year-old son were shot to death by the woman’s boyfriend, Sharif Whitlock. The murders took place 45 minutes after the woman had filed a domestic violence complaint against her boyfriend. The perpetrator fled the scene and later hanged himself.
The case was the lead incident in a story published yesterday by my local newspaper, the Press of Atlantic City. It was entitled, Hamilton Twp. shooting deaths show familiar domestic violence outcome. The well-done story focused on the larger issue of domestic violence. In Atlantic County, New Jersey over the last two years, 13 people have been killed in domestic violence situations, including three perpetrators. A total of 21 children lost a parent.
Reading about Coleman and Whitlock, I could see all the typical signs of a sociopathic perpetrator and a well-meaning victim. The couple had broken up, but Whitlock constantly called Coleman, accusing and threatening her. For her part, Coleman felt she couldn’t abandon someone who had so many problems.
And then came the statement with caught my attention: Whitlock used technology to try to control his girlfriend.
The article quoted Yasmine Lopez, Coleman’s friend and instructor in the dental hygienist class she was taking:
Lopez said in the days before the shooting, Whitlock constantly called and texted his girlfriend so much so that the cell phone in her pocket never stopped vibrating. During one of those calls on June 2, Lopez said she overheard Whitlock on the phone, making threats and telling Coleman, “Don’t you understand? I want to kill myself.”
The article then quoted from the police report:
When Coleman spoke to a police officer June 6, she said Whitlock had broken her cell phone. The complaint says Whitlock later bought a new phone, had the number changed to Coleman’s number giving him access to her friends and family and “called subjects on (her) contact list and harassed them.”
This harassment via technology now has a name: Digital abuse.
Control in the technology age
Cell phones, e-mail, Facebook and Twitter—digital technology provides abusers with another avenue for asserting control over their victims and monitoring what they are doing.
The Press reporters interviewed Susan Risdon, spokesperson for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. She said that digital abuse often runs in tandem with verbal abuse and physical violence.
“We see a lot of instances where someone will send their partner 50 to 80 text messages a day, and if they can’t get a hold of them, they’ll text their best friend, saying, ”˜Are you with her?’” Risdon said.
“Domestic violence involves control, trying to isolate someone from their friends and loved ones, and keeping them to yourself. Digital abuse is a way to extend that isolation.”
Abuse among youth
The victim in this case, Tracy Coleman, was 44 years old. But digital abuse is even more common among those who live and breathe everything digital—teenagers and young adults. A study by the Associated Press and MTV, which was released late last year, found that 50 percent of 14- to 24-year-olds have experienced some form of digital abuse.
Here’s how the study defined digital abuse:
- writing something online that wasn’t true
- sharing information that a person didn’t want shared
- writing something mean
- spreading false rumors
- threatening physical harm
- impersonation
- spying
- posting embarrassing photos or video
- being pressured to send naked photos
- being teased
- encouraging people to hurt themselves.
Last year MTV launched a campaign called aimed at stopping the spread of abuse in the form of sexting, cyberbullying and digital dating abuse. The goal is to “empower America’s youth to identify, respond to and stop the spread of various forms of digital harassment.”
The campaign is called A Thin Line, reflecting the thin line between what’s public and what should be private. The website explains several kinds of abuse: sexting, constant messaging, spying, digital disrespect and cruelty. It also offers suggestions for young people to take control of their digital domains. One of the key recommendations: If they see or experience abuse, report it.
I hope young people get the message. Maybe if they learn that digital bullying, harassment and threats are not okay, they’ll get the message that the same behaviors in real life are also not to be tolerated.
For intellius, peoplefinder, etc., just go to the privacy policy/options and opt-out or send a fax o USPS form (or letter) ”“preferably typed, and do not sign your name, print/type your name.
Reputation (and privacy) Defender:
Web visibility score: http://www.reputationdefender.com/
Reputation Defender: http://www.reputationdefender.com/myreputation ;
My Privacy (paid): http://www.reputationdefender.com/myprivacy ;
Edge (paid): http://www.reputationdefender.com/myedge .
…I am done (wouldn’t send in one post)
i exist on fb but under a pysudenom – with all privacy settings set so that only my handful of freinds can see things.
i hid or deleted blogs that i formerly had and wrote to google to have them removed from cache. i also wrote the webmasters of some school related pages and had them remove old contact info and then had google remove the cache. to begin with i googled not only my name but my blog names and key words in the blogs to find all the pages. i had a friend do it in the uk also – she foufn different pages than i did. i had all of them removed.
i use a proxy server for most surfing and email. (‘proxify’ is the one i use) email contains information (called headers) which can be opened and the area which you live in and the IP address block assigned to your computer will be exposed to anyone who bothers to look and google those addresses. (this is how i found out that ALL the folks i was talking to were in one place and not spread out around the globe -ie the same person). proxy servers hide your address.
thanks for the great info firefly. i will add it to my ‘things to do to hide from the spath list.’ sigh.
have just now put in the request to remove my phone number – the one thing i didn’t change, but i have any unlisted/ unidentified numbers and hers, blocked.
one_step –
Great job! And it can be *sigh* tiresome to do all this work, but it is worth it. As for the “paid” removal sites, I think by going through Lexis and it’s buddy, ChoicePoint, we can remove everything ourselves. …and go on down to the lesser sites and just keep cleaning up.
Another thing you pointed out, which is true and very helpful- have a friend search from another computer/region, they will find new/different info on you. Same for what browser you use, use another computer (such as at a library) that has multiple browsers than you have on your home computer.
Remove old phone numbers, too! And if “okay” remove phone numbers of all relatives.
This might be a good place to get some advice on a situation that happened to me recently. I allowed a male friend to stay at my place for a few weeks recently when he needed a place while he was moving. We had known eachother for maybe 8 months or so and had never had any problems, just hanging out casually. Well, during the time he stayed with me, he became upset when he knew I was not attracted to him how he wanted me to be and one day I came home and all his stuff was gone. He never called me but after four days he texted me that he was mad my cat peed on his clothes. I texted him back sorry about the cat and asking why he did not call and did not bother to return or leave the key. Then the problem came: he texted me back, “Your not comfortable with me taking the key (insert swearing), F you, (insert swearing) !”. He has not returned the key and it has been over two more weeks with him having it and we have not communicated. My intuition tells me without question the real problem is that he feels rejected. I am about to renew the lease here. There is no such thing as remote controlled hidden cameras or anything is there?? I know that may sound like a crazy question, but I am going to ask to have my locks changed by my apartment and this guy’s behavior has suddenly become creepy. I feel our friendship is obviously over. I texted him that I am not comfortable with him taking the key and I have not heard from him. Obviously he could have made a copy anyways. Maybe this is just his way of getting back at me for not wanting a relationship. I guess I shouldn’t have allowed him to stay with me because he had expressed attraction previously. I did know that he had a crush on me. That was a bad move. Why haven’t I learned my lessons by now. I was just trying to help a friend, and now he has refused to return my key- he left some of his stuff at my place too. I am broke and I can’t afford to pay for the locks to be changed so I hope the landlord will do it for me for free. I honestly worry about cameras, etc. It may or may not be an overreaction, but how can I know.
Thanks for all of this info Firefly. Your posts are always so helpful and practical!:)x
I was completely naive about the internet. I’m still pretty clueless and stupid day to day:(
The Spath was the first person I ever met who was completely paranoid about his ‘info’ showing up on line…I didnt understand… snow -white here’s attitude was why worry if you’ve nothing to hide? he said his ex wife was monitoring his usage through an FBI contact! I thought he was just being paranoid (and anyway i though he’s TOLD her about us…and werent they divorced? …and blah-di-blah-di-blah PUKE!). shortly after that she contacted me (I had no idea at the time it would be so EASY to just contact someone) with a really nasty e-mail quoting his correspondence with some chic he’d picked up plus quoting what I had written about a particularly tough time with my son on a parenting advice board and information about my credit reference file. I felt humiliated and violated. I had never been in a relationship that involved this type of ‘craziness’.
I also felt completely confused, I couldnt understand living in a world of monitoring people and hiding your tracks, of grooming people on-line, of using the internet as a mask. It’s like being shown a disgusting image and having it burnt onto your brain forever.
After the disgard I tracked his movements on line myself! (so I became the ‘stalker’ just like his ex wife!) I had no idea he’d be able to notice!DUH! I wanted to TELL people about him!! Oh! the whole thing makes me feel ill.
It’s part of My trauma.
hopeful: yes, cameras exist. Erinbrock can give you the low down – her place is a virtual movie set.
get the locks changed and block his phone number. he is immature and vengeful at the least. don’t listen to another word he has to say. he is in no way acting like a friend.
don’t worry, you WILL fine tune your radar. you are in the classroom now. first lesson – cut your losses and protect yourself. he is not trust worthy.
Hopeful. ITS HORRIBLE to be in a position where you HAVE to do something like change the locks and check every area of your house for hidden cameras… sounds/looks bonker? Who cares? who’s looking? DO IT anyway. you have nothing to lose.x You wouldnt think twice about changing the locks if you had your handbag snatched!xx
bluesky – this is where proxy severs and false identities (on fb and myspace, etc.) come in handy. if we have to search, we need to go stealth.
fiefly- never occured to me to remove relatives phone numbers! thanks. the ppath has two phone numbers (and lives out of my area, so no access to phone books) of family/ friends. will remove some others from 411. Thanks again.
I know one step but part of me still thinks NOOOO! I dont WANT to be LIKE THAT. LIKE IT! LIKE A SPATH!! I dont want to be frightened or stealthy. I want to be ME. to my friends and to anyone who wants to look me up for business. I want people to be able to contact me for commissions on my website….ect.ect.ect.:(
I have to get my head around what is the risk and where is the balance.
xxx
blueskies – i hear you.
i don’t think it is spathy. it is about risk assessment and appropriate response to your risk.
i think it is realizing THEY exist and we have to protect ourselves from them. i’ve had to accept that i have to do certain things to protect myself. i find it hard emotionally, too. i am still working on separateing ‘stelthy’ from ‘frightened’. andit def. goes against how i like to be in the world.
there is a loss of innocence…i cannot resist this loss, regardless of how it changes me. and i am betting that over time i will integrate these lessons and be a smarter person in the world because of it.
now, because you are online for business you do need a web presence. a few ting to consider:
there is a way to monitor who comes to your site – what their IP addresses are. Ask your web hosting company how to do that. And don’t answer inquiries from anyone with his IP. You can figure that out by opening the headers of his emails.
Be careful of the content you put on your website. don’t put anything up that talks about your life, where you are, what you are doing, changes in your life. Have a contact form programmed for your site, so that you don’t have to use an email address so that others can contact you.