In a local tragedy a week ago, a woman, Tracy Coleman, her brother and her 13-year-old son were shot to death by the woman’s boyfriend, Sharif Whitlock. The murders took place 45 minutes after the woman had filed a domestic violence complaint against her boyfriend. The perpetrator fled the scene and later hanged himself.
The case was the lead incident in a story published yesterday by my local newspaper, the Press of Atlantic City. It was entitled, Hamilton Twp. shooting deaths show familiar domestic violence outcome. The well-done story focused on the larger issue of domestic violence. In Atlantic County, New Jersey over the last two years, 13 people have been killed in domestic violence situations, including three perpetrators. A total of 21 children lost a parent.
Reading about Coleman and Whitlock, I could see all the typical signs of a sociopathic perpetrator and a well-meaning victim. The couple had broken up, but Whitlock constantly called Coleman, accusing and threatening her. For her part, Coleman felt she couldn’t abandon someone who had so many problems.
And then came the statement with caught my attention: Whitlock used technology to try to control his girlfriend.
The article quoted Yasmine Lopez, Coleman’s friend and instructor in the dental hygienist class she was taking:
Lopez said in the days before the shooting, Whitlock constantly called and texted his girlfriend so much so that the cell phone in her pocket never stopped vibrating. During one of those calls on June 2, Lopez said she overheard Whitlock on the phone, making threats and telling Coleman, “Don’t you understand? I want to kill myself.”
The article then quoted from the police report:
When Coleman spoke to a police officer June 6, she said Whitlock had broken her cell phone. The complaint says Whitlock later bought a new phone, had the number changed to Coleman’s number giving him access to her friends and family and “called subjects on (her) contact list and harassed them.”
This harassment via technology now has a name: Digital abuse.
Control in the technology age
Cell phones, e-mail, Facebook and Twitter—digital technology provides abusers with another avenue for asserting control over their victims and monitoring what they are doing.
The Press reporters interviewed Susan Risdon, spokesperson for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. She said that digital abuse often runs in tandem with verbal abuse and physical violence.
“We see a lot of instances where someone will send their partner 50 to 80 text messages a day, and if they can’t get a hold of them, they’ll text their best friend, saying, ”˜Are you with her?’” Risdon said.
“Domestic violence involves control, trying to isolate someone from their friends and loved ones, and keeping them to yourself. Digital abuse is a way to extend that isolation.”
Abuse among youth
The victim in this case, Tracy Coleman, was 44 years old. But digital abuse is even more common among those who live and breathe everything digital—teenagers and young adults. A study by the Associated Press and MTV, which was released late last year, found that 50 percent of 14- to 24-year-olds have experienced some form of digital abuse.
Here’s how the study defined digital abuse:
- writing something online that wasn’t true
- sharing information that a person didn’t want shared
- writing something mean
- spreading false rumors
- threatening physical harm
- impersonation
- spying
- posting embarrassing photos or video
- being pressured to send naked photos
- being teased
- encouraging people to hurt themselves.
Last year MTV launched a campaign called aimed at stopping the spread of abuse in the form of sexting, cyberbullying and digital dating abuse. The goal is to “empower America’s youth to identify, respond to and stop the spread of various forms of digital harassment.”
The campaign is called A Thin Line, reflecting the thin line between what’s public and what should be private. The website explains several kinds of abuse: sexting, constant messaging, spying, digital disrespect and cruelty. It also offers suggestions for young people to take control of their digital domains. One of the key recommendations: If they see or experience abuse, report it.
I hope young people get the message. Maybe if they learn that digital bullying, harassment and threats are not okay, they’ll get the message that the same behaviors in real life are also not to be tolerated.
blueskies, it *is* a horrible position to be blindsided by our Internet usage then have it turned against us; covering our tracks, using proxy settings – yes, going stealth to keep safe. For me, I am tired of relocating because of the spath.
Cameras, video, audio – the spath has used them all, and we had a voice activated tape recorder in the bathroom (I had no clue until after I left).
I have changed the locks on my outer doors (twice), and when I first left also changed the locks to my car (doors and trunk).
As for your website (and living), the balance is where ever you are and feel safe, then keep both eyes open so you can stay where you are (safety-wise) yet still grow as a person. The mean relative to you 🙂
fierfly: ‘voice activated tape recorder in the bathroom’ there is no emoticon to express my response to this.
many years ago i lived with someone who tapped our phone. i remember quite clearly the gaslighting of having parts of my conversations fed back to me.
bathroom. one step shakes her head….
one_step –
He claims to have had the place “wired” and I usually laughed it off, then came the tapes. No wires far as I know, just the cheaper stuff. He is cheap (with his own money) and lazy.
Just checked with my landlord and it will be $25 to change the locks, not as bad as I thought. There is no way to control cameras from outside of an apartment though, right? I hate to sound so ‘paranoidish’, lol. I mean this person I thought was a friend has not done anything even remotely close to the sociopath I dated who I first came onto this site for. He isn’t a sociopath, but he is definitely being selfish, immature and, ya definitely vengeful by keeping my key. I’ll just get the locks changed and forget about it. I mean what reason would he have to keep the key other than to just intimidate me if it isn’t to actually commit a crime. It’s one or both of those two things and I think it is probably just to have some power over something he couldn’t have power over. Jerk! We never even had an argument or fight, but I could feel the resentment about my not wanting to be intimate, etc., not feeling attracted to him. I still feel sad that I have lost a friend, but some people do say that guys and girls can’t be friends, which I find to be ridiculous if both parties are intelligent adults. Anyways, just venting and since he doesn’t reach sociopath levels, just immature, I will stop rambling. Lol. On a note about my ex sociopath however, I just found out from a friend in the court system that he has been arrested for possession of a stolen vehicle. Only thing surprising is that he got caught and wasn’t able to sweet talk his way out of it. He probably will be able to get out of any true consequences though.
Dear Hopeful,
The way you describe this second guy, the MORE HE SOUNDS TO ME LIKE HE IS A PSYCHOPATH. A normal person would not want to keep your key, or to become VENGEFUL. Sounds like he was trying to pressure you into sex as well, and that is so P-like more than just “immature.” Anyway, he is out of your life though! THAT’s GOOD!
I think you can check on line about the radio controled cameras that can be mounted out side your apartment, they are tiny, and almost “invisible” and shoot in dark etc. and then raido the signal inside to your TV or recorder or computer. Or you can mount them inside so they shoot out through a window.
WOW! I miss a day and look at all the good stuff on here!
OX,
Thank you and I am actually feeling much calmer over this these days. I document like crazy! I also keep tabs on my ex and I don’t consider it stalking. I go to the websites my city and county has that tells the public what offenses have been committed and who did it. I just saw AGAIN that he is going to court for driving on a suspended license with suspended plates and “OPERATING VEHICLE OR MOTOR CYCLE WITHOUT FULL ATTENTION”. I don’t know what that means. Reckless driving? Regardless, he’s on probation and the above offenses might very well give him that 6 months in jail he’s being trying to avoid.
I have a very strong belief that knowledge is power and I have to have that power in all ways possible to take care of myself and my child as well. Between what I go to the police with and what these public records say, I can have a fair idea of what he’s up to. So, I agree with the author who said we have to be the ones to take initiative, to INSIST when it comes to the police. It IS tiresome and I do get sick of it all, but I also know I have to be on my toes.
EB, ages ago you suggested that I send a copy of the restraining order to ALL local law enforcement agencies, sheriff’s dept., local police departments, etc.. It was, and is, a GREAT idea that I followed through on. I’m bringing it up again for those who have just gotten No Contact or Restraining Orders. Make sure the police KNOW this order is in effect because one agency most often doesn’t share with the others and if the ex KNOWS you’ve done this, then it might deter them from stalking. To me, stalking IS a form of abuse.
firefly, GREAT websites you suggested! I’ve already visited a couple of them. And your other suggestions are right on. Get that address that the USPS can’t give away. This is some good stuff!
I know from working on computers you can find out a lot about someone. MY computer never goes to anyone to fix it. They can get too much info from it. I do my own fixing right here and I am so glad that I can! So, be careful with who works on your computer. I’m not saying this is a common practice but it DOES happen. I also go into “private browsing” as a habit. I did it when the ex still lived here and I’ve made it a habit these days.
one-step, I agree, it is very hard emotionally. I have a website as well and I pay close attention to who visits that site. Good info regarding reading the headers of emails, etc! I, too, have learned to check everything much more closely than I used to, but it is what it is and I try to just accept it.
hopeful, I am so sorry you just went through this situation. I agree with others. This person is SO not right in the head! A NORMAL person would have simply returned the key, moved on and THANKED you for allowing him to stay there. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all do things to try and help others. I would just consider it a lesson learned. You tried to do something nice for someone.
I can’t say I know much about the camera thing. My ex wasn’t smart enough to use those (Thank you, God) and I read the stories on here about people finding out about the exes using cameras, recorders, etc.. What a TOTAL invasion of privacy! Is this stalking? YES.
Whenever I come to LF, I find myself very grateful. There is so much more that could have happened that didn’t. There is so much more damage that could have been done what didn’t happen. The stories and suggestions on LF strengthen me. Thank you!
Dear Cat, THAT’LL teach you not to miss a day! LOL
Keeping INFORMED about the people in your life who might harm you is NOT STALKING….it is GOOD sense in my estimation. As long as you are not doing anything illegal, immoral or fattening! If a person (even a P) is no danger to you, I wouldn’t even bother with “back door” contact or finding out things about them. Waste of time and energy, however, if the person is known to want revenge etc. or to stalk you, it is important that you be INFORMED about what they’re up to. It would be “nicer” if you didn’t have to think about them, and sometimes it can trigger us, but at the same time, I think as we get closer to healing it is less able to trigger us or to make us uncomfortable.
I’m glad you are doing well, Cat,and those are good suggestions about computer repairs, etc.
Hi Ox!
Yep, that’ll teach me! LOL! In my estimation, this idiot is quite capable of revenge and has sought it in the past. I always have that in the back of mind. If something goes wrong or goes on, 90% of the time, the ex is behind it. Past behavior teaches us about the future with this type of personality. He won’t change and doesn’t think he has to. So, it’s my job in all of this to know all that I can know. At one point, years ago, I remember him telling me that he had been caught “watching” his ex g/f in high school by her father. THAT was stalking.
Digital stalking-a new term for what he’s pulled on me in the past.
Dear Cat,
Yes, and they can do you some damage too if they are pretty sharp with the technology. I’m learning though, and mostly relaxing some as well. I got tired of living terrified and jumping every time the dog barked!
I don’t know if any of you watched the 20/20 show last night about the “preacher” that “suicided” his wife—actually he killed her—but at first it looked like suicide, but they finally convicted him. Dateline and 20/20 were on at the same time, so it was dicey which one I watched, ended up watching part of each. They have both been highlighting dangerous and murderous psychopaths and DV murderers. I THINK it was Liane Leedom who said (I may be wrong CRS) that like 75% of DV perps are Ps or at least high in P-traits, so that would go along with what I have observed if it is so.
Of course not all are going to murder, but if they will do other kinds of “violence” I sure wouldn’t put much “past them.”
The number of murders of women and/or children by DV males is pretty ugly in this country and others as well.
I just finished re-re-reading Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” if you have NOT read this book, you OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO DO SO, Mr. deBecker grew up in a home with a violent mother so knows first hand what it is all about, and has made his life’s work HONORING that gift of FEAR and helping others to honor it as well. The book is a great one to decrease our worry and anxiety and to honor the FEAR we do feel. If you haven’nt read it please DO!