Back in June, a New Jersey judge declared the state’s Prevention of Domestic Violence Act to be unconstitutional. Judge Francis B. Schultz, of the Superior Court in Hudson County, determined that it was too easy for someone who claimed domestic violence to get a restraining order.
The ruling was controversial. When I first read about the case, I was astounded that a court would take such a stand against domestic violence victims. Sandy Clark, associate director of the New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women, considers New Jersey’s law to be among the best in the country, according to NJ.com.
New Jersey’s law
The Prevention of Domestic Violence Act is strict. Some of its provisions include:
- Police must respond to calls of domestic violence victims.
- If there are any signs of physical injuries the police must arrest the abuser.
- Police may also arrest the abuser without witnesses or signs of physical injuries.
- Police are required to give victims information about their rights and to help them.
- Temporary restraining orders (TRO) may be issued by the superior court or a municipal court.
- A domestic violence hearing must be held within 10 days of issuing the TRO.
At the domestic violence hearing, the judge may grant substantial relief to the victim, including:
- Temporary custody of children
- Monetary compensation
- Barring the defendant from the home, regardless of who owns or leases it
- Prohibiting the defendant from any oral, written, personal or other form of contact with the victim and others, including children
Violating due process
The law allows the judge in the domestic violence hearing to make his or her decision based upon the “preponderance of evidence.” That’s where Judge Schultz had a problem. He wrote that this violates the defendant’s right of due process, and that the standard should be “clear and convincing evidence,” which is more difficult to achieve.
In his 21-page opinion on Crespo v. Crespo, Judge Schultz wrote, “It is well-established that a parent’s right to the care and companionship of his or her child is so fundamental as to be guaranteed protection under the First, Ninth, and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution.”
He continued, “That a fundamental right could be forfeited as a result of a rapidly calendared, summary hearing without discovery, where the only protection afforded the defendant is the ‘mere preponderance standard’ clearly offends the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.”
Quite frankly, given that there are people who falsely accuse their partners of domestic violence, the judge’s arguments make sense.
Battle of the sexes
According to NJ.com, women’s rights groups and the Attorney General’s Office are preparing to challenge the ruling. It appears that the case may be headed for the New Jersey Supreme Court.
Others considered the ruling a victory for men. An article posted on the DailyRecord.com declared that Judge Schultz should be considered an American hero.
“He stood up against the powerful feminist-controlled domestic violence machine and ruled that the New Jersey domestic violence statute is unconstitutional, and that people’s 14th amendment rights were being violated. Judge Schultz could have taken the politically correct route; he did not.
“The state Attorney General’s Office, in league with the battered women’s groups, has come out against this ruling and plans to appeal to the state Supreme Court. These two ‘partners in crime’ are yelling that the sky is falling because a court ruled that the standard of proof is unconstitutionally too low.”
The issue is being cast as today’s battle of the sexes. Unfortunately, people on both sides are fighting the wrong battle.
Men and women perpetrators
Battered women’s groups argue that female victims, and their children, need to be protected from abusive men. Father’s rights groups argue that women file false abuse complaints simply to be vengeful, and get away with it. They both accuse divorce and child custody lawyers of using abuse allegations as a strategy to win their cases.
They’re all right some of the time. None of them are right all of the time.
Lovefraud has heard from plenty of women who were seriously abused by male partners. And we’ve heard from plenty of men who were abused by female partners—including physical violence.
We’ve heard stories of abusive men manipulating the legal system to get children taken away from battered mothers. And we’ve heard stories of men fighting to get custody of their children from abusive mothers, facing judges who believe that mothers simply do not harm their children.
Sociopaths and domestic violence
Dr. Liane Leedom says that half of domestic violence perpetrators are sociopaths, and the other half have sociopathic tendencies.
Sociopaths, as Lovefraud readers well know, are both men and women. And whether male or female, they are equally vicious and destructive.
So this is not a battle of the sexes. The real struggle is between sociopaths and their victims; between people who have a conscience and those who do not.
If you’ve been a victim of domestic violence, or have been falsely accused of domestic violence, please tell Lovefraud about your experience with law enforcement and the courts. Did the police and/or courts act appropriately? Were they able to determine who was telling the truth? Why or why not?
Please don’t use any names, although you may identify the jurisdiction (county or state) if you want.
The piece of s*** that I was married to for 15 months is a Sociopath. I learned the truth from our marriage counselor after 9 months of marriage. He is also an alcoholic and verbally abusive. I was arrested 3 times since our marriage in 2006. The first time was after an argument after 2 months into the marriage and found out he cheated on me. Each time I was arrested for domestic violence AFTER I had left the home to avoid further conflict. Each time he called the police and left a scratch or mark on his face/body. I pulled a premise report from the Sheriff’s Dept. and found that the police had been called to the house over 50 times during the course of 15 months! The ex made all of those calls, mostly when he had been drinking and I was at the home 1 time out of all those calls. I recorded him one day, knowing he was going to cause problems…and when he did, I played the recording back to police and they left.
Since divorce, with me moving to a different county, I was again arrested for domestic violence, but the charges were dropped. This was his spiteful way of getting back at me for not having anything to do with him. So, when I had to get a few things at the house again, I had to call police or a friend as a witness. All of this has ruined my business reputation in the town where I reside. I look like a freak on my arrest affidavits and I barely drink alcohol and I am not a violent person.
I cannot stress enough the importance of getting a REAL attorney, not a PUBLIC PRETENDER, as I call them. Otherwise, you will have charges that will stay on your record, or wind up on Probation, like me, for something that I did not do. I am now broke, cannot get a decent paying job because of my recent “record”.
Sigh.. oh the memories.. Cheryl, just hang in there girl, it takes time but eventually the entire town and the police will “get it”. I lost my business too and am still broke to this day but at least all the people that used to support him have “gotten it”, though most of them had to learn the hard way.
Now that you are away from him, people will be able to see his behavior separate from yours, and they will eventually figure it all out.
Dear Cheryl,
I am so sorry that you have been through this legal abuse, there is a thread on here about that, if you have not read it, please look it up and do so. It has a lot of good iinformation.
Keeping good records and recordings if possible are all good ways to protect yourself, and I am saying this for others, as I know you have figured that out already. The damage they do with their lives, especially screaming “s/he hit me” and pushing the legal button of calling the law and getting the victim prosecuted and arrested is the LOWEST OF THE LOW, but we already knew that there is no depth of lowness that they can and will not sink to. They use the very thing that is in place to protect victims to persecute them.
Good luck to you, Cheryl, in clearing your name and regaining your good reputation. Ditto for you too, Kat.
Hi everyone,
It’s been a while for me here again and I’m so glad this safe haven is here. As strange as this may sound I sometimes find that coming here helps me incredibally and then other times it has negative reprocussions and just makes me start ruminating….about him…so I try and steer clear of any reminders………………. they always end up coming to me one way or another though and I come back here to safety.
It’s so frustrating…sometimes I’ll come here when I feel weak and read for support and reassurance…other times I feel a little stronger and will read and want to help and occasionally give input. THEN…I’ll have a relapse, perhaps even stupidly having contact with the S and end up feeling like the biggest fraud ever !
I KNOW that no contact is the ONLY route to healing and having any kind of authentic life. I always feel strongest when there’s been lots of time past with NC but somehow I eventually end up feeling so strong that I feel like I can answer the phone and simply be ‘entertained’ by what his new lure will be. It always starts off like…’oh my God, I could use a laugh…what’s he going to try and use now’?Well…I’ve done this now 7-8 times over the past 2 years and I beat myself up worse everytime…making me question my self confidence even more for deluding myself into thinking I was strong enough to deal with a socio. Problem is and always has been that I fell in love with a dream, an illusion. I’ve never felt such deep love. Such a powerful facade. Fact is…I know and have known this guy is a full blown sociopath for two years but I have still entertained the thought that I may be wrong or he miraculously shed his evil. Each time we have contact again I end up cautiously biting…doesn’t matter if I’m cautious…he expects that…he just needs the bite.
I know….fairytale thinking….but it just angers me so much that he can so easily portray ‘the most absolute perfect guy’……………………….for a minute.
What probed me to write tonight was the stories you’ve told and the unbeleivable theatrics these oscar winner’s demonstrate. So infuriating and so unjust.
One of the times I bit the lure(or the apple)….I brought him up to my cabin, quite a remote place but had no real fear of physical safety as he had been on best behavior (solidifying the hook) for a good 3 weeks prior and he had never been physically violent towards me personally…just my property. Well, it didn’t take long after we arrived that his demeanor changed and he suddenly became the controlling, jealous, degrading guy I broke up with so many times before. He ALWAYS got on this thinking the moment I wasn’t giving him full attention that I had or was cheating on him. It drove me nuts because that was such a cut to my character as how could this man I loved so much not see who I am. In fact he had actually cheated at least 7 times that I know of.
Anyway, he started punching walls, breaking pictures, screaming obscenities and came over to me on the couch towering over me. This intimidation had never happened to this level before…I was for the first time actually afraid of his next move. He is a big guy, 6’6″ and he was completely out of control. He came right up to my face hands on my shoulders and I struck his face to get him away. Well what happened next shocked me the most. He realized his lip was bleeding so he calmly sat down picked up the phone and called 911. He then hung up when they answered. Well they called back and he told them all was fine and not to come, which, I was actually ok with seeing as he had seemed to realize how out of control he had been and was calmed down. Quite embarrassing if police were to arrive in a remote cabin resort. For the next 30 minutes he sat calmly, apologizing for his behavior etc.etc ….but then 2 officers showed up at the cabin.
I spoke to one officer outside while he spoke to one inside and eventually the officers advised they would be taking him to a hotel in town for the night just to ensure everyone’s safety and give a ‘cool off period’. I could understand that and was somewhat releived to have some space to process everything.
That was it I thought. He called next day, still apologizing, asked me to pick him up, which I did, drove back to cabin so he could repair the damage and we drove home. Sorry I’m making this a long story…just haven’t ever fully told it…as I never even told freinds I started seeing him again because of the embarrassment. NOONE liked him …I knew why and fully agreed but why did I bite again?
Next morning I get a call from police advising that he is pursuing assault charges against me. He apparently told all kinds of lies about me to police that night and to my utter shock was informed that in fact he had contacted police about me several times in the past trying to persue various charges without my knowledge. Obviously his allegations were unfounded as I had never even been contacted by authorities but I just could not beleive all this was happening…I had just received a text minutes before the police call saying how much he’loves me’ and when am I going to see him.
Luckily for me, I had streams of saved texts and also many voicemails (after I advised him I was aware of his assault charges) of him blackmailing me that if I did not return his calls he would continue persuing charges. It took many frustrating months and a significant legal bill as I did get a lawyer to fight this for me thank goodness. Fact is, I did admit to hitting him that night. He never did hit me. He ended up sinking himself with all of his erratic texts and threatening/vulgar messages. I was never charged but it took that long for the police to get their report to the DA for decision if charges should be laid.
I feel horrible for the true victims…it’s enough to have to try and explain to people what’s gone on to their personal world..but explaining to the legal world is a whole different ball game. Evidence is your only ace otherwise their lies win the hand.
I know my story is MILD in comparrison to the ones I’ve heard through all of you my hat goes off to those coming out and my heart goes out to those going through.
Thanks all for being here!
Dear Wiserandhealing,
I don’t think your story isn’t “mild” at all. Having false charges pressed against you for defending yourself against his attack is not exactly mild. To say nothing of the frustration and the legal bills.
I hope that after this you can stay NC with him. I tried to just see my mother “on business” but the last time I did it turned into a brouhaha and I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was, and so now I handle business through my sons and don’t do a face to face with her at all. I may some day, but not now, and I am doing so much better. I don’t have to prove that I can see her or talk to her and not get upset. I have taken back my power by enforcing NC. It is the only power I have. I don’t want any more lies, any more outbursts, any more nasty conversations or accusations.
My dear you WERE a “true victim”—but now you are a VICTOR! Good for you for saving his threats as evidence. SMART WOMAN! Don’t beat yourself up any more. I went back for more abuse from my son for over 20 years until I finally “got it” that he is a P and will never get better. The thing that is important is not how many times you went back, but that you got out ONE MORE TIME THAN YOU WENT BACK. ((((hugs)))))
Dear Ox,
Thank you for being here….and thank you for your kind words. You really are amazing and a true inspiration for the human spirit!!
Please…don’t ever..well I know you aren’t now…but be ashamed or embarrassed of ‘going back for more abuse’ from your son. We all have had hard pills to swallow but you were faced with swallowing a volleyball….there is nothing bigger than that and I know you have done it. Not only did you ingest this you have been digesting this…which I can only imagine how every cell in your being has one by one been transforming itself into adaptation and acceptance. Kind of like an organ transplant I would say. You are powerful!
As much as I’d love to say that after that incident last year, it was the end for contact… but…I, embarrasingly, went back again….EVEN after all of that. 3x’s to be exact. Each time, I knew it was irrational, knew it was hopeless and MOST of all, I truly realized it was dangerous. I am a psychiatric nurse…I can’t tell you how often I questioned whether I should be certified ! Not to mention lose my license with his litigious nature!
It’s such an isolating experience because you know how crazy it is and appears. I couldn’t understand why all my logic went out the window with this guy…didn’t make sense. I read every book ever written on sociopathy…even read ‘The Betrayal Bond”….which is very good. I knew exactly who and what I was dealing with and even somewhat knew why I may be so hung up. I analyzed me, him, ‘them’ to death but still found him so twistedly irresistable even knowing what he was.
In my self introspection I even questioned if perhaps I’m actually maybe the narcissist… why else would my feelings outweigh the logic…perhaps it’s all about me and how I feel …I only see the dream ‘I’ want to see….not the nightmare it actually was. I mean…how does one explain it…what kind of person puts themselves at risk over and over again….yes, I always did expect to be burned but kept up this ridiculous hope that I was wrong and burners were of the past! And, well, in my defence, I do have to say, that he was EXCEPTIONALLY good at portraying ‘my dream’ which did keep his hook in but really…really….if a person puts their hand on a hot burner once…do they do it again? and again and again? Self induced I may remind!!! Ya, if they’re numb!
The attempted charge was just ‘1’ of many burns….I felt them all. People would most certainly think there is a serious problem with me if they knew all of the craziness.
EMBARRASSING!
I must say as I do always try to think big picture (beleive it or not) and…I’m not using this as an excuse …but my spirituality has always played a part in this as well which has also been why it’s been soooo difficult to look away. He knew that and played with it right from the start as well.
I’ve always beleived in the ‘Collective Unconscience’ and us all being part of the same and everything happening for reasons in order to grow etc. etc…so this experience has challenged my beliefs undescribably. What was this supposed to teach me….not to believe my beliefs? Maybe we met so I could releive him of evil? Maybe I was here to save? Perhaps I was Hitler in my last life?
Well, I am slowly and surely becoming even more confident in those beleifs as the time passes and each ‘session’ with him is endured. I truly never experienced this type of evil, nor was I aware how rampid it actually is out there… 1/100 people!!!! Even being a psych nurse and having worked in Forensics and in prisons..I knew the criteria for ASPD and dealt with many but never fully understood the depths of these minds…obviously from lack of intense personal experience. The people in jail are probably ONLY 20% ….AND, most aren’t the emotional rapists.
Anyway, I guess I’ve been lucky to only have encountered what I have so far.
I can at least say now that for some reason or another it has been necessary for me to continually burn myself on that burner. This is a process and I am learning…painfully albeit, but it is still consistant with my beliefs and I certainly learning more about me than I probably would have otherwise.
I still don’t know all the ‘why’s’ and that’s probably the biggest thing I truly have learned. That question is the soundtrack to my life and I’ve never taken an intermission. I LOVE getting that answered but have never learned to love it not being answered’.
Why are these people the way they are? I have to learn to love the fact that I don’t or at least shouldn’t care. I just need to love the way ‘I’ am.!!!
Thanks for letting me rant! … 🙂
i just want to say that i realized, today when i woke up i didt think about him. my life is starting to feel normal. im starting to feel normal again. im getting used to the fact that he is not in my life anymore and its beginning to feel normal and ok. im happy i left that realtionship. im in a better place now. doest mean it doest hurt anyless. im just glad i dont have to deal with him and the drama and the choas everyday of my life.
Hey, Well done Blondie. You sound so much better and you realised that the sun is shining. Its just really nice to get back to a normal life isnt it, without the chaos and hurt.
yes it is and to be around people who really do care about you, and to see people that missed you while we were gone.
Yea, Blondie, if we learnt anything from all of this, its to avoid people who make us feel bad, exploit us, or dont care about us.