By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Someone posted one of those “signs” on my Facebook page today that everyone forwards and shares, which I call “one-sentence wisdom or humor” but this one struck me as suburb wisdom.
The past is where you learned the lesson.
The future is where you apply it.
Don’t quit in the middle.
We have all had the misfortune to learn our lessons the “hard way” in associating with a psychopath (or two), but actually I think “misfortune” may be the wrong word, because learning things “the hard way” means that we will not forget those lessons. “The burned hand never forgets the fire” is another way to say it. Maybe we have actually been fortunate to escape from the psychopath when we are still able to escape, and when our “burns” were not fatal. We read in the newspapers, on the Internet, and see on television the faces of women (and men) who did not escape with their lives from associating with a psychopath.
Now that we have escaped, I think we need to apply those lessons learned in the past, to the future. We can’t quit in the middle.
Treating the wounds
While I realize that many here on Lovefraud still have open wounds, sores that are still bleeding or weeping, that are still painful to touch. The pain caused by those wounds, by the physical, financial, and emotional wounds can be horrific. Worse, still, can be the pain of treating those wounds.
I recall my son D’s burns after the plane crash. They weren’t quite severe enough for him to be hospitalized since he had a trained medical person at home, so they sent him home with me with a car load of creams and potions with minute instructions on how to cleanse and re-bandage his burns daily.
Each day I would pre-treat him with a dose of morphine to numb the pain somewhat, though he said it didn’t actually numb the pain, just made him where he didn’t care. Then I would start the process of taking off the old dressings, exposing his wounds to the open air, then wash the burns, removing the old, dead skin, then put on the creams tenderly and carefully, and then replace the bandages which went from the tip of his fingers to his shoulders and back.
I can’t even imagine just how he must have hurt, but my own empathy for him as I treated his wounds was extremely painful to me as well. I know there were many times he wanted to just “give up” and many times I wanted to as well. Just quit! It was too painful to go on treating the wounds! (Just an aside: my son’s wounds healed successfully and unless you know where to look with a magnifying lens, there are no scars visible.)
Emotional wounds
There were times I felt the same way with my emotional wounds in life. It was just too painful, I just wanted to QUIT! Anything to stop tearing the bandages off and treating the wounds again. It was too painful.
After my husband died, I was in such emotional pain that I didn’t want to do the grieving. I didn’t want to tear those bandages off and treat those wounds of my loss. It was just too painful. So I became vulnerable to the psychopaths in my life. The new boyfriend looking for a new “respectable” wife to cheat on was not a successful way to end my pain and grief. I had quit in the middle and didn’t apply lessons I had learned in the past to the future.
Associating with psychopaths leaves us with wounds of all descriptions and levels of damage. Those wounds are difficult and painful to heal, but we must not quit in the middle. Therapy is painful. We have to tear off the scabs that keep us from being able to heal and allow new growth. Whether the therapy is from a professional or is self administered, it is painful to expose our raw inner selves to the open air of examination.
Applying what we learned
When those wounds are healed, however, we must apply those lessons learned to the future of our lives. We must watch for the RED FLAGS of disordered people in the future associations of our lives, and when we see a RED FLAG, we must HONOR that red flag by running as fast as we can away from the person(s) waving it. If not, we will be burned again ”¦ and again ”¦ and again.
Our healing processes start out in learning about the psychopaths, but they end up being about learning about ourselves as well. Learning why we were vulnerable to the psychopaths in the first place. Fixing those vulnerabilities and using the knowledge we learned from our past, to make our futures better.
Don’t quit in the middle.
callmeathena
Silvermoon, what an awesome post. Truly.
The longer we savor the heartbreak both for the loss of the relationship and ourselves, the longer they linger in our world ”“ in our consciousness.
The step that counts is the one where you just let go of the experience, the abuser, the pain.
Its the hardest step to take because it means that life suddenly becomes unfamiliar.
I love this. I am going to google, find a picture of some ruby slippers, and tape them up on my wall. What a great thought.
Athena
Ox Drover
Dear Coping,
Yes, I know you get TIRED and just want it to be OVER…. SO TAKE A BREAK…go to the park and sit on a blanket and eat pasta salad with junior. YOu don’t have to be working on this all the time 24/7, take time to SMELL the roses, but don’t QUIT. Don’t think “oh, I’m healed I don’t need to work on this any more” but at the same time, TAKE A BREAK…It is like moving a mountain with a shovel, you have to sit down and rest sometimes. Just shovel a while and then rest a while! (((hugs)))
skylar
Coping,
I’m reading “the power of now”. The author suggests that you don’t actually have to re-live all the pain in your life in order to “get over it”. You only have to re-live the one thing that is causing you pain right now.
he says we should be living in the present moment, consciously aware of this moment all the time.
The power of now is what you were accessing when you were blowing soap bubbles for Jr. You were completely present in that moment.
clair
Oxy,
Wishing you a fast recovery.
Ox Drover
Sky, that’s an excellent point….the past is the past and we can’t change it no matter what we do…we can only move forward and enjoy what we have NOW. We can learn from the past as far as what happened, we don’t have to let it happen again, and like Donna’s new book, “Red flags” says we can use that knowledge to prevent future problems by changing the way we respond NOW.
Taking time to “blog bubbles with the baby” is important.
We all need to take more time to do that!
skylar
Oxy,
The Power of Now has a similar perspective to The Gift of Fear. They both suggest that worrying about the future and ruminating about the past is what robs us of the only thing we can really control: the present. By not worrying, but always being present, we can respond when we need to, how we need to.
The concepts aren’t too hard, but the habits are very difficult to change.
I hope your surgery goes well tomorrow. Thinking good thoughts for you.
Ox Drover
Thanks Sky, and you are so right….we can’t change the past and we must not “worry” about the future…doesn’t mean we don’t need to plan for it and work toward the things we need to do to make the future successful….
Back in the Hippie days of my youth (1960s) many young people didn’t plan for the future at all, or take action (education etc) to work toward it, but just “enjoyed the NOW” to the exclusion of all else. LOL That’s not the answer either, but “worrying” sure isn’t either.
Truthspeak
OxDrover – my very best wishes on your procedure. Get better, soon!!!
lovelost
After such a promising start, things have crashed, I have crashed. After keeping the distance successfully for a couple of months I made the mistake of responding to my ex, he wanted a friendly’ meal. It started ok, he wanted to be friends, to work out what went wrong. He talked, and in my weakness I listened.
I ended up missing so much of our previous life. My new built world has vanished. I haven’t been able to do anything for a week just lost and alone. Feeling that I should have stuck it out, that we could have resolved the problems. From the sunshine a couple of weeks ago, all is bleak. I was so relieved to be free of him, so happy, but now I don’t know anymore. My optimism and confidence have gone, I don’t know that I can live without him. I keep sayiing I shouldn’t have seen him, I shouldn’t have listened.
Truthspeak
Lovelost, I feel for you – I think we all go through that business. My recent posts have been all about that “Was it REALLY so bad as to end the marriage?” I have been experiencing a vascilation that borders on regret, and Skylar, OxD, and Donna put it so plainly. It’s a normal reaction given what sociopaths modus operandii are – we are left unbalanced and have been convinced (BY the spath) that we are not to trust our own judgment.
Be kind to yourself, and read back on some of the posts and responses. There’s lots of courage to be read about, as well as precisely identical experiences like your own.
Brightest blessings to you.