I am always fascinated by the way we use our thoughts and our language — both are extremely powerful tools, both have equally as much power to help us as to hinder us, depending on the way we use them. In the vast majority of cases, people have little idea of just how much control they actually do have over their experiences — and even less understanding about how to do something to positively influence how they’re feeling. And you know the strangest thing? Most people are so acutely aware of what they don’t want that they’ve forgotten what it is they do want — which is why so many remain stuck.
Not so long ago I was working with a lady who’d had some pretty rough experiences. She’d already told me that she felt unloved, unsupported and useless. The interesting thing about the session is what happened when I asked her to imagine her ideal life, when she could be do and have the things she said she wanted. She started off well, listing things like a loving relationship and a happy home, but in order to describe it better she explained the things she didn’t want:
“I really don’t want to stay in this job — it makes me feel as if I don’t matter” ”¦hmmm”¦ “I don’t like my house either, it’s too small, too untidy and I feel uncomfortable there” ”¦.okay”¦. “My family is certainly not the way I’d like them to be! They judge me all the time, they make me feel useless — sometimes I wonder if they even notice me at all!”
And of course she went straight back in to describing in great detail how rotten she felt and how terrible her life was — even though she’d already told me earlier about the things that were wrong! Whenever this happens my inner smile grows wider, because I know beyond question that my coaching session is going to be a success. I know that I’m going to be able to help the person I’m with, and that in turn makes me happy.
So ok, you may be thinking, what’s that all about then? And what’s my point?
Internal Google
My point is this. The human brain works somewhat like a computer search engine. It is, if you like, our internal Google, and is extremely obedient to every instruction we give it. Our brain cannot differentiate between positive or negative. Good or bad. Do or do not. It just does. It has to find a reference in order to make sense of any situation or instruction it’s given, and our thoughts become our experiences. So explaining the things we don’t want or telling someone not to do something, has exactly the opposite effect.
For example, have you ever witnessed this kind of interaction between a mother and child? The child is carefully walking across the room balancing a cup of juice. The mother, aware of the dangers, says “Don’t drop that!” The child looks up, loses concentration and”¦ drops it.
As another example, how about I give you this direct instruction: Don’t think about the tigers. Do NOT think about the tigers. OK? Absolutely under no circumstance are you to think about the tigers — particularly not the pink tigers wearing bowler hats and wellington boots!
Now — what have you got in your head? I’ll bet you’ve got tigers of some sort. Some of you may even have pictures of pink tigers in hats and boots. And yet… what was my original instruction? It was to NOT think about tigers — but you did! You thought about exactly the things I asked you not to think about – because your own internal Google had to find a reference in order to make sense of what I was saying.
It’s like the mother and child scenario — by telling the child not to drop the drink, guess what? The drink is dropped — because that’s what the child’s internal Google search engine found in response to the mother’s instructions.
You Can Choose
None of this is rocket science — some of the best things in life are usually incredibly simple. The thing is, though, I’ve discovered that very few people actually grasp the fact that although they may be striving towards something positive, because they’re so clear about what they don’t like about their life, they’re unconsciously keeping themselves stuck in the very place they say they don’t like!
When I first learned about this idea many years ago, I was surprised about how tricky it was for me to actually list the things I’d like to have in my life without slipping in to the trap of describing the things I didn’t like. This was the kind of dialogue that went on in my head:
“I’d like a home in the country, where my son is away from the London fumes because it makes him sick”
Can you see what I was doing? I was instructing my thoughts to bring up the images of my son being sick — and thereby messing with my dream to live in the countryside. Doh! So I’d change it:
“I’d like a home in the country where my son is healthy and happy” — and once I was clear on that, I’d make it even stronger by turning it into an affirmation:
“My son and I are living in a beautiful home in the country, and we are healthy and happy”
For a long time I would have internal tussles as I gradually learned to train my thoughts to concentrate on the things I chose to bring in to my life. And guess what happened? As my thoughts became clearer, and my internal Google kept searching out the good stuff — I automatically felt happier. Yes, even before I achieved the things that at that time were just a dream. And because I felt happier, I was more open to positive opportunities and more able to take action as a result. Incidentally, we moved to a beautiful home in the country less than six months after I started monitoring my thoughts.
You’ve heard the phrase “be careful what you wish for””¦? Well, so far as I’m concerned, every thought we have, every word we utter, is a wish — and a confirmation that this is indeed the wish we have chosen. So that’s why I so consciously do my best to choose exactly what I say and what I think.
Because I am certain that our thoughts really do influence our reality — and no matter what has happened, or who is trying to control us, nothing and nobody can ever control our thoughts. For me, it was the conscious freedom of my thoughts that helped me to heal my pain, and it’s that same conscious thinking that now continue to help me create the life of my dreams.
Hey, I don’t get it right all the time — far from it. And I also have my gloomy times as you already know. The thing is, though, by remembering about the tigers, I can pull myself back on track and get my thoughts and feelings back in gear. And you know what? It works.
As for that lady I talked about at the beginning of this article? Well, once I’d explained about the tigers and we’d done a couple of exercises together, she was totally able to imagine the life of her dreams in absolute detail. As she described it to me, her face lit up and her entire body lifted. She left the session looking younger and taller – and since then she’s reported back about some amazingly positive shifts she’s already experienced.
So my Lovefraud friends, until next week, just remember”¦ don’t think about the good stuff”¦ do NOT think about the good stuff! Certainly don’t even consider all the wonderful things that are coming to you right now”¦
You see? It does work doesn’t it?
😉
Hello! I don’t think I’ve commented in your blogs much before. I’ve been lucky enough to avoid the habit of thinking about what I don’t want. I’ve never been unhappy, despite everything that’s happened to me. I can’t imagine how depressing it must be to think of yourself as useless or unlovable. I hope the people that believe that change their ways of thinking and perceiving signals. 🙁
I also found the Internal Google hilarious. I ALWAYS find myself in that situation where I want to warn somebody, but I don’t want to jinx it. *spills soda* Nooo! ^_^ Also, it is better to have an Internal Goggle than an Internal Wiki. An Internal Wiki can be altered by anybody and is easily changed. Not good.
My mom and I always practiced these thoughts. My mom and I are enjoying a Christmas and we are both healthy and happy. Almost the same as your example up there. *points* I did mess up a few times by saying I don’t want to be in the hospital. I don’t want… That perspective is to negatively-focused for me now. I very much believe in a positive attitude effecting performance.
Take Tim Tebow for a popular example. He has a great attitude going in to every Football(American) game. He has never been the best, but his attitude has always remained positive when concerning his efforts and his team’s performance. They have won the last six or so games. I think a negative attitude would have halted their performance. I also went in to an exam today with a positive attitude, despite not having a whole lot of confidence. I aced that test. A! ^_^
Everybody: Hello peeps! *waves*
Good article, Mel, and great comment Near!!!!!
Hello Happiness!
You know, Mel, I just love you. I love your attitude and the vibrancy that comes through in your post.
You are absolutely on to something. I am going to really work on having this view of life.
Lately, I’ve been crying how I don’t want to hurt anymore or I don’t want to feel the devastating pain. What I need to start saying to myself is, “What great things are happening for me in my life RIGHT NOW.” Because I know there are many blessings that fill my life. The past is the past, but the here and now are what sustains me.
It’s all about gratitude. Thank You!
Dear Mel, mgreat article. So many times we are told to “be positive” Derrrr how?
Near, it’s great that you are a look on the bright side person. Associate with “radiators” some one once said to me.( I was on a course for teachers). Rise above the “negs” they drag you down to their level!
Mel…..your words radiate from the page in such an inspiring yet simple way. Beautiful! Thank you.
Mel, it’s a good post. Thank you.
Athena
Thank you Mel – my philosophy EXACTLY! Although, I have to admit, whilst still in the Superspath’s thrall and then the Aftermath, it was difficult – nah, actually, for a while there it was IMPOSSIBLE, if I’m really honest – to remember this, much less action it.
I went to trial with Superspath 10 days ago, thinking positive thoughts, knowing that the general outcome would be a win for me (it was), knowing that I would keep my home (I did), knowing that my barrister would bury the monster with the undeniable evidence I had carefully gathered and kept all these years (he didn’t have to – it only took 40 minutes in the witness box and being grilled over only 2 issues, both of which were taken from his OWN evidence – we never even got to all the juicy stuff I had collected – for Superspath to crash and burn).
I walked out of there with a good overall result and the knowledge that Superspath’s final toe-claw-hold on my life was forever disenegaged. But in the weeks leading UP to that trial hearing, I had already been experiencing positve feedback from my universe.
About 2 weeks prior, I had reached a kind of “Zen” point (no, I’m not a buddhist, just can’t think how else to describe it) where I no longer became anxious when contemplating the upcoming trial. I became the most calm, still and focussed I have ever been in my life. People commented that I was looking less ill, more pretty and so serene. Strange considering I was about to have a show-down I didn’t ask for or want with a spath I never wanted to see again for as long as I lived….
Around that same time, I became the recipient of some unexpected and extra-ordinary acts of human kindness. A neighbour gave me a $140 voucher to have my hair done so that I could feel confident in court; she knew I was broke and could not afford to pay a hairdresser myself. The staff at the subpoena office at the court refused to charge me for $60 worth of photocopying I had done there, saying that I was a nice lady and that I should not have to pay when it was not my application (it was Superspath’s). Then, the barrister I had initially thought I had hired but who then turned out to cost 3 times more than my friends had managed to scrape together to lend me to hire him, so was not going to take my case, unexpectedly contacted me one week out from trial and asked me to meet with him; after which he took my case for a third of his usual fee with the result that Superspath was crucified by this dynamo of a legal man before lunchtime on Day 1 of what was to have been a 3 day trial and the whole case settled that same day.
So no – I WON’T be thinking about the amazing plans I have for my bright and beautiful future : )
Excellent post Mel!
But easier said than done. I won’t be thinking about tigers, I won’t!!
🙂
Sorry to burst your tiger’s bubble, but there’s more to it than that. Without others or any kind of support, good things will not happen no matter how many good, positive thoughts you have or actions you take, or how strong you faith is/was. I lost everything, but before that I had a vision and belief that I could escape and build a new, safe life with my boys.
I did what was right. I sought counseling, went to church, reached out to others; prayed, read, memorized and meditated on scriptures; had, kept and acted on my faith in God; planned my escape and worked hard to keep it up. In the end, nothing I did, believed or thought mattered. I still lost it all. Including my health.
I wrote the following this morning. I’m pretty much at the end of my rope, and just trying to stay alive to see my kids at least one more time in my lifetime:
I can’t believe I’m contemplating this ”“ but I might go back. I am willing to die just to see my kids again. THIS is why battered and abused women go back to their abusive husbands/boyfriends. Because of abandonment by all people and systems that SAY they will help you, but when push comes to shove and you’re begging for help ”“ you either get no help, or worse those same people will go out of their way to make things even worse for you. All family members, friends, attorneys, judges, police officers, counselors, CFS workers and supervisors, employers, my church, EVERYONE has turned their backs on me and either abandoned or betrayed me.
There is no more hope. There is no freedom or escape from an abusive husband if you have children. I lost ALL my belongings, ALL my family members, ALL my friends, my job, AND MY COUNTRY. That’s right ”“ even my original country of birth dumped me, canceled my citizenship for staying away for too long. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t have the freedom to come and keep up my country relationship in person. I’m still waiting (alone, in that country) to see if my country will take me back.
Noone calls me, or even emails me. And yes, I have been going out regularly to social events to make new friends and meet people. It’s just that there’s no follow-up with anyone. I try, but again I fail. How do I establish trust with others when I’ve been betrayed? Why should I go through all the work of establishing relationships when I’ve been abandoned by so many?
So, no support of any kind from anyone. And my kids are being ‘raised’ by an abusive (including sexual abuse of both me AND at least one if not all of my boys) ex-husband and his elderly, sick mom who created him to begin with. Wouldn’t it be better if I was there to at least buffer some of this? I tried to leave and take them with me. I failed. So now there is currently NO protection in place for my children. None.
And don’t tell me about church, faith or counselors. There were LOTS of times where just a simple favor ”“ just being there for me, being willing to testify to what they’ve seen, being willing to document, being willing to listen to and believe me and what they’re seeing, and JUST DO THEIR JOBS would have helped, and maybe even avoided all this suffering to begin with.
When you stand up to evil, but no one else stands with you, evil will destroy you.
Just to clarify some points, since I never ‘told my story’, I did not try to leave the country with my boys. I knew that was impossible. I first tried to stay in the area, and do everything legally correct and build my new life within all the parameters/walls/obstacles put into place by the judicial system within the U.S. I only moved to my home country (although they might still kick me out, I’m waiting to see) when I found out that my ex-husband was planning to do something that would lead to the loss of my life. I made the choice at the time that it would be better for my boys if I was alive for them a bit later on, than if I were to die under those circumstances. I guess I’m waffling on that choice.
Onebody. Some wounds impossible to heal. Like lost arm or leg. One can learn function without it. It is same about me – no one calls or emails me, i go out and meet people, but what’s the point? I cant tell my story and connect to the people emotionally in a meaningful way. I just exist like a strange and unnecesary item in this cruel universe.