I am always fascinated by the way we use our thoughts and our language — both are extremely powerful tools, both have equally as much power to help us as to hinder us, depending on the way we use them. In the vast majority of cases, people have little idea of just how much control they actually do have over their experiences — and even less understanding about how to do something to positively influence how they’re feeling. And you know the strangest thing? Most people are so acutely aware of what they don’t want that they’ve forgotten what it is they do want — which is why so many remain stuck.
Not so long ago I was working with a lady who’d had some pretty rough experiences. She’d already told me that she felt unloved, unsupported and useless. The interesting thing about the session is what happened when I asked her to imagine her ideal life, when she could be do and have the things she said she wanted. She started off well, listing things like a loving relationship and a happy home, but in order to describe it better she explained the things she didn’t want:
“I really don’t want to stay in this job — it makes me feel as if I don’t matter” ”¦hmmm”¦ “I don’t like my house either, it’s too small, too untidy and I feel uncomfortable there” ”¦.okay”¦. “My family is certainly not the way I’d like them to be! They judge me all the time, they make me feel useless — sometimes I wonder if they even notice me at all!”
And of course she went straight back in to describing in great detail how rotten she felt and how terrible her life was — even though she’d already told me earlier about the things that were wrong! Whenever this happens my inner smile grows wider, because I know beyond question that my coaching session is going to be a success. I know that I’m going to be able to help the person I’m with, and that in turn makes me happy.
So ok, you may be thinking, what’s that all about then? And what’s my point?
Internal Google
My point is this. The human brain works somewhat like a computer search engine. It is, if you like, our internal Google, and is extremely obedient to every instruction we give it. Our brain cannot differentiate between positive or negative. Good or bad. Do or do not. It just does. It has to find a reference in order to make sense of any situation or instruction it’s given, and our thoughts become our experiences. So explaining the things we don’t want or telling someone not to do something, has exactly the opposite effect.
For example, have you ever witnessed this kind of interaction between a mother and child? The child is carefully walking across the room balancing a cup of juice. The mother, aware of the dangers, says “Don’t drop that!” The child looks up, loses concentration and”¦ drops it.
As another example, how about I give you this direct instruction: Don’t think about the tigers. Do NOT think about the tigers. OK? Absolutely under no circumstance are you to think about the tigers — particularly not the pink tigers wearing bowler hats and wellington boots!
Now — what have you got in your head? I’ll bet you’ve got tigers of some sort. Some of you may even have pictures of pink tigers in hats and boots. And yet… what was my original instruction? It was to NOT think about tigers — but you did! You thought about exactly the things I asked you not to think about – because your own internal Google had to find a reference in order to make sense of what I was saying.
It’s like the mother and child scenario — by telling the child not to drop the drink, guess what? The drink is dropped — because that’s what the child’s internal Google search engine found in response to the mother’s instructions.
You Can Choose
None of this is rocket science — some of the best things in life are usually incredibly simple. The thing is, though, I’ve discovered that very few people actually grasp the fact that although they may be striving towards something positive, because they’re so clear about what they don’t like about their life, they’re unconsciously keeping themselves stuck in the very place they say they don’t like!
When I first learned about this idea many years ago, I was surprised about how tricky it was for me to actually list the things I’d like to have in my life without slipping in to the trap of describing the things I didn’t like. This was the kind of dialogue that went on in my head:
“I’d like a home in the country, where my son is away from the London fumes because it makes him sick”
Can you see what I was doing? I was instructing my thoughts to bring up the images of my son being sick — and thereby messing with my dream to live in the countryside. Doh! So I’d change it:
“I’d like a home in the country where my son is healthy and happy” — and once I was clear on that, I’d make it even stronger by turning it into an affirmation:
“My son and I are living in a beautiful home in the country, and we are healthy and happy”
For a long time I would have internal tussles as I gradually learned to train my thoughts to concentrate on the things I chose to bring in to my life. And guess what happened? As my thoughts became clearer, and my internal Google kept searching out the good stuff — I automatically felt happier. Yes, even before I achieved the things that at that time were just a dream. And because I felt happier, I was more open to positive opportunities and more able to take action as a result. Incidentally, we moved to a beautiful home in the country less than six months after I started monitoring my thoughts.
You’ve heard the phrase “be careful what you wish for””¦? Well, so far as I’m concerned, every thought we have, every word we utter, is a wish — and a confirmation that this is indeed the wish we have chosen. So that’s why I so consciously do my best to choose exactly what I say and what I think.
Because I am certain that our thoughts really do influence our reality — and no matter what has happened, or who is trying to control us, nothing and nobody can ever control our thoughts. For me, it was the conscious freedom of my thoughts that helped me to heal my pain, and it’s that same conscious thinking that now continue to help me create the life of my dreams.
Hey, I don’t get it right all the time — far from it. And I also have my gloomy times as you already know. The thing is, though, by remembering about the tigers, I can pull myself back on track and get my thoughts and feelings back in gear. And you know what? It works.
As for that lady I talked about at the beginning of this article? Well, once I’d explained about the tigers and we’d done a couple of exercises together, she was totally able to imagine the life of her dreams in absolute detail. As she described it to me, her face lit up and her entire body lifted. She left the session looking younger and taller – and since then she’s reported back about some amazingly positive shifts she’s already experienced.
So my Lovefraud friends, until next week, just remember”¦ don’t think about the good stuff”¦ do NOT think about the good stuff! Certainly don’t even consider all the wonderful things that are coming to you right now”¦
You see? It does work doesn’t it?
😉
Onebody
Just to validate you, you had the same experience I did. I lost everything. Well, I didn’t lose my country but I lost EVERYTHING else, including the one person I endured abuse for, my daughter. JUSTICE is rare so I’ve learned to not expect it. Karma is a line of carp that people spout to try to make you feel better. I’m not vengeful so Karma doesn’t mean carp to me.
I did hold on to my moral integrity and eventually I have regained my dignity. It has been a long road to recovering from crazyville but I am on solid ground b/c of my faith in God. The only other choice was to live for hell and that’s no choice at all…. that’s what “THEY” do.
If you go back, it will be different b/c it will be worse. I am sorry for that. Yes I understand why people return when there are kids involved. But it is ONLY my opinion and you will have to take whatever consequences you CHOOSE, but I’d like to encourage you to take care of yourself so you can be ABLE to rescue your children. You aren’t in that place yet and you will definitely NOT be if you go back. That is THEIR only hope. Sad, so sad situation but that’s what is now.
If it’s possible to share resolve and strength, this is the place to find it. I send my prayers to add to yours.
Katy
SarahPL
I agree with the FEELING of what’s the point. I am alone, old, the opportunities of my young years are past and my health is kaput b/c of the stresses of my spath.
But I notice my life is BETTER than it was with him and I do get to CHOOSE, even if the menu isn’t as full as it was a few years ago. The one thing I KNOW: when I was with my husband, there was NO HOPE AT ALL. Now that I am free of him (almost divorced, barring complications), at least he can’t stop me from finding my own way in the world. THAT was worth leaving him.
I think the rest will come, the emotional connections, the point of living. Please Hold on, better is coming. May take a while but it is COMING B/c it’s now possible….
Onebody,
What you describe is familiar to many of us. It’s what the spath planned for us. Loss of family is especially hard.
Since I couldn’t change what happened, I changed the way I looked at it. I hated losing my family when I found out that they were spaths, but I was glad to finally understand that they were toxic and remove myself from them.
I like to think of this horrible experience as the Universe speaking to me about what I needed to understand. I was a pathological giver, I was assuming responsibilities that were not my own, I was refusing to recognize evil. There are lots more things I could list that I was doing wrong.
Losing all these things is a little like dying. When you die, you lose everything but your soul. The spath was trying to take that too but he didn’t prevail. So I see this as a near death experience where I actually passed through to the other side and got a second chance at life. I did lose everything, but that’s just what happens when you die. Being born again means struggling again to find your identity. I hope I do it right this time.
Thank you for your kind words. It’s just hard to be without anyone, especially my children right now. It’s really hard to accept that I can’t do anything about my and their situation. I know that I have to work on myself, and have done some work, but sometimes I crash. And doubt myself. And think I should have just stayed and died. It would have been easier. I’m not good with suffering anymore.
I say I lost my family, but they never were really there for me to begin with. My brother who betrayed me – that one hurts the most. He’s just as bad as my ex. Maybe even worse, since he’s coming over here in a few weeks. Not to my area of the country, but he can still do a lot of damage to me. I did break NC about a month ago to email him to let him know that if he does share information with my ex and I find out, then I’ll send his emails to all my other family members over here that are familiar with my situation (including his part in it) to basically ‘out’ him. I hope he fears losing that mask.
When I first moved here, I did think of it as a second chance at life. It’s just that my kids are not part of it, and are suffering in the meantime. I can’t deal with that. I also discovered that I’m too broken to relate to others normally. Too much has happened. I’m in too much pain. How do you start over with those limitations?
I also deal with anger that I did everything the best way, with looking towards God, the Bible, prayer as what and how I should do things within my life. Then this is what happens? Over many years of struggling and suffering? I’m not going to completely lose my faith, but it’s hard to choose life if it only includes suffering.
The reason I won’t let go of faith is because I did die (although the doctor denies it) during my 6 hour surgery about a year ago. I was in a different place, and was accepted by my (many years dead) family there. There are really streets of pure gold – which is very dark in color but helps to give a beautiful light from its reflections. Until then, I never could picture what that would look like – which says a lot because I’m an artist. I was angry that I got sent back when I woke up from surgery. I’m even more upset now. I was sent back to suffer some more. And it is more than I can handle. Why?
Sorry for my rambling. It’s a really hard time for me right now. I’m in northern europe, so it’s possible that the lack of light could also be affecting my outlook on things – on top of everything else. Thank you for hearing me out.
Dear Onebody,
I’m sorry you have gone through such a horrible ordeal with your X and your children….and betrayal by your family as well. Many of us here have had similar betrayals from family members.
Dr. Viktor Frankl wrote a wonderful book after he was released from the Nazi death camps called “Man’s Search for Meaning” after he also lost EV EVERYTHING except his soul. After I read that little book I realized that there are people who have lost more than I have, and that those people not only survived but THRIVED and that we CAN FIND MEANING IN OUR LIVES NO MATTER WHAT we have lost.
It’s tough! Believe me, I know, and all the other posters here on this blog also know HOW TOUGH it is to lose everything they value in life, but we have the CHOICE TO RECOVER, and we CAN and WE WILL!!!! No matter how much we lose, as long as we are alive we have the power to recover IF WE WILL JUST REACH OUT AND USE IT! BELIEVE IN IT!!!!
One body, you poor poor thing. What the heck can someone say to that tale of hell at the hands of your ex?
For what it’s worth ….. Forget the light of northern europe ..you don’t really need to make excuses for feeling at the end of your tether. I’m so sorry that you’re on your own. Don’t give up. Please.
We have a saying here,
“You never know what’s round the corner”
The only way is up when you’ve hit rock bottom.
Strength !!!!!!!
Onebody. You said – Sorry for my rambling.
Never say “sorry”. we have fundamental right – to tell how we feel and to tell our histories. I want to yell towards all the world about what happened to me. sharing heals -after reading your story, I know I am not alone. It happens. I live exactly the same way. Your story was an amazing gift to me. Thanks.
Dear Ox Drover. I disagree completely with you on that book. The author “lost everything except his soul” – he was adult man, but think about kids raised by sociopaths, their souls are taken away and broken right from the very beginning…
Not to speak, that the author remarried after catastrophe, hi memuars were welcomed. And many of us share our histories only on anonymous forums. And some still say “sorry”about that.
Sarah have you read the book? Dr. Frankl was imprisoned in the Nazi prison labor camp as a slave for about 4 years. His wife was burned in the ovens, he lost his life’s work ( a manuscript he had hidden in his coat) all his friends and family, his home and 100% of his possessions, he only maintained his life and soul….and yet, the man found MEANING IN LIFE in spite of that. He REFUSED to let them take his soul. His book is about the differences between how some people act/.think even though the conditions are the same, some give up and die, some give up their souls and become like their Nazi masters and practiced painful things on their fellow captives, others became stronger and better, more compassionate people.
We can’t control what happens to us, what the psychopaths do, and unlike Dr. Frankl, we do have the option to get away from them, but even he had a choice on how the psychopaths effected him, how they effected his SOUL. We all do. We can allow it to embitter us or make us better. He chose to make it better, to find meaning in life even under the circumstances.
Even kids who are horribly abused as children have a CHOICE. Thank God that not all of the children raised by dysfunctional parents BECOME dysfunctional and abusers.
SarahPL
There are people on here who were raised by sociopaths and pedophiles and yet they are NOT sociopaths or pedophiles. They LOVE and respect and cherish others. It is a CHOICE and even as little kids, the children know they are dif than their spath family members, and know HOW they are dif, probably know it better than most adults.