I am always fascinated by the way we use our thoughts and our language — both are extremely powerful tools, both have equally as much power to help us as to hinder us, depending on the way we use them. In the vast majority of cases, people have little idea of just how much control they actually do have over their experiences — and even less understanding about how to do something to positively influence how they’re feeling. And you know the strangest thing? Most people are so acutely aware of what they don’t want that they’ve forgotten what it is they do want — which is why so many remain stuck.
Not so long ago I was working with a lady who’d had some pretty rough experiences. She’d already told me that she felt unloved, unsupported and useless. The interesting thing about the session is what happened when I asked her to imagine her ideal life, when she could be do and have the things she said she wanted. She started off well, listing things like a loving relationship and a happy home, but in order to describe it better she explained the things she didn’t want:
“I really don’t want to stay in this job — it makes me feel as if I don’t matter” ”¦hmmm”¦ “I don’t like my house either, it’s too small, too untidy and I feel uncomfortable there” ”¦.okay”¦. “My family is certainly not the way I’d like them to be! They judge me all the time, they make me feel useless — sometimes I wonder if they even notice me at all!”
And of course she went straight back in to describing in great detail how rotten she felt and how terrible her life was — even though she’d already told me earlier about the things that were wrong! Whenever this happens my inner smile grows wider, because I know beyond question that my coaching session is going to be a success. I know that I’m going to be able to help the person I’m with, and that in turn makes me happy.
So ok, you may be thinking, what’s that all about then? And what’s my point?
Internal Google
My point is this. The human brain works somewhat like a computer search engine. It is, if you like, our internal Google, and is extremely obedient to every instruction we give it. Our brain cannot differentiate between positive or negative. Good or bad. Do or do not. It just does. It has to find a reference in order to make sense of any situation or instruction it’s given, and our thoughts become our experiences. So explaining the things we don’t want or telling someone not to do something, has exactly the opposite effect.
For example, have you ever witnessed this kind of interaction between a mother and child? The child is carefully walking across the room balancing a cup of juice. The mother, aware of the dangers, says “Don’t drop that!” The child looks up, loses concentration and”¦ drops it.
As another example, how about I give you this direct instruction: Don’t think about the tigers. Do NOT think about the tigers. OK? Absolutely under no circumstance are you to think about the tigers — particularly not the pink tigers wearing bowler hats and wellington boots!
Now — what have you got in your head? I’ll bet you’ve got tigers of some sort. Some of you may even have pictures of pink tigers in hats and boots. And yet… what was my original instruction? It was to NOT think about tigers — but you did! You thought about exactly the things I asked you not to think about – because your own internal Google had to find a reference in order to make sense of what I was saying.
It’s like the mother and child scenario — by telling the child not to drop the drink, guess what? The drink is dropped — because that’s what the child’s internal Google search engine found in response to the mother’s instructions.
You Can Choose
None of this is rocket science — some of the best things in life are usually incredibly simple. The thing is, though, I’ve discovered that very few people actually grasp the fact that although they may be striving towards something positive, because they’re so clear about what they don’t like about their life, they’re unconsciously keeping themselves stuck in the very place they say they don’t like!
When I first learned about this idea many years ago, I was surprised about how tricky it was for me to actually list the things I’d like to have in my life without slipping in to the trap of describing the things I didn’t like. This was the kind of dialogue that went on in my head:
“I’d like a home in the country, where my son is away from the London fumes because it makes him sick”
Can you see what I was doing? I was instructing my thoughts to bring up the images of my son being sick — and thereby messing with my dream to live in the countryside. Doh! So I’d change it:
“I’d like a home in the country where my son is healthy and happy” — and once I was clear on that, I’d make it even stronger by turning it into an affirmation:
“My son and I are living in a beautiful home in the country, and we are healthy and happy”
For a long time I would have internal tussles as I gradually learned to train my thoughts to concentrate on the things I chose to bring in to my life. And guess what happened? As my thoughts became clearer, and my internal Google kept searching out the good stuff — I automatically felt happier. Yes, even before I achieved the things that at that time were just a dream. And because I felt happier, I was more open to positive opportunities and more able to take action as a result. Incidentally, we moved to a beautiful home in the country less than six months after I started monitoring my thoughts.
You’ve heard the phrase “be careful what you wish for””¦? Well, so far as I’m concerned, every thought we have, every word we utter, is a wish — and a confirmation that this is indeed the wish we have chosen. So that’s why I so consciously do my best to choose exactly what I say and what I think.
Because I am certain that our thoughts really do influence our reality — and no matter what has happened, or who is trying to control us, nothing and nobody can ever control our thoughts. For me, it was the conscious freedom of my thoughts that helped me to heal my pain, and it’s that same conscious thinking that now continue to help me create the life of my dreams.
Hey, I don’t get it right all the time — far from it. And I also have my gloomy times as you already know. The thing is, though, by remembering about the tigers, I can pull myself back on track and get my thoughts and feelings back in gear. And you know what? It works.
As for that lady I talked about at the beginning of this article? Well, once I’d explained about the tigers and we’d done a couple of exercises together, she was totally able to imagine the life of her dreams in absolute detail. As she described it to me, her face lit up and her entire body lifted. She left the session looking younger and taller – and since then she’s reported back about some amazingly positive shifts she’s already experienced.
So my Lovefraud friends, until next week, just remember”¦ don’t think about the good stuff”¦ do NOT think about the good stuff! Certainly don’t even consider all the wonderful things that are coming to you right now”¦
You see? It does work doesn’t it?
😉
SarahPL
What we offer might be wrong for you but it is not wrong for those of us who were in the control of spaths for our entire childhoods. We can offer empathy and supportand encouragement but you have your part too, to disclose what you need.
Please know that while this site is for support and encouragement and healing, it is NOT a substitute for professional guidance. I think that is the place you need to start. On the main page of the LoveFraud site is a link for resources guide, click that link and the next page, mid center, is a Search button for The LoveFraud Professional Resources Guide. All my best to you on your journey. It is TERRIBLY painful but there is life on the other end.
Sarah ~
Have you ever read any of Dave Pelzer’s books – “A Child Called It”, “The Lost Boy” & “A Man Named Dave”.
Dave Pelzer suffered unspeakable abuse as a child then went on to travel throughout the country inspiring hope in countless individuals. He received commendations from Presidents Regan, Bush and Clinton and in 1994 was the only American to receive The Outstanding Young Persons of the World Award.
He overcame the horrors of child abuse and went on to inspire others.
He would be a very good example.
Milo, Yes, I have read those books….good example. There are great examples of every aged person overcoming abuse if we just look for them.
I read one a while back about a kid who was lobotomized by a quack doctor who did 1,000s of these operations (like was done to Joe Kennedy’s daughter). The boy was about age 12 when it happened, but he actually was able to lead a happy and successful life afterward due to the fact he WAS so young when it was done to him. Talk about ABUSE! The guy’s step mother hated him and had this done and the father didn’t realize what was being done to his son. They actually held the kid down and went in through the eye with a knitting needle-like instrument into the pre-frontal area and “waved” the needle back and forth to destroy brain tissue more or less at random. This doctor was eventually discredited but only after he had wrecked thousands of lives to one extent or another in the name of “science.”
I loved this article, and it is one of my favorite articles here. I think the mind is so much more powerful than we give it credit for. We can use its power to direct our thoughts and energies, which will, in turn, magnetize what we think about into our lives. There are too many examples of this “secret” working in my own life to put into a single post. I grew up in an abusive family with narcissist/spaths/pedophiles, and all around bad people. I refuse to let this define me and set the course for my future. I have learned many lessons from my difficult life, and I intend to use those lessons to make better choices and to mentor other people.
There are so many things in life we have no control over. Certain things happened to us that we couldn’t help. But we can change how we think about those events. For instance, we can say, “No one has ever loved me; therefore, I’m destined to be worthless and unloved.” Or we could say, “Boy did I get off to a horrible start in life. It can only get better from here.” It’s all perspective. It’s all how we assign meaning to events. This is what Victor Frankl – whose wife was murdered and who was tortured for years in a concentration camp – is talking about.
Sometimes I do battle with my thoughts. For instance, I tell myself (and this is very depressing) “If only my parents had loved me, I would have so much richer, happier, and fuller of a life. I would have been a lawyer or doctor instead of a massage therapist.” or “I wonder how happy normal people live their lives, and will I ever be like them?” These thoughts really bring me down. So I tell myself that I can never know the answers to these questions. All I can do is be the best person I can be and do what makes me happy TODAY. And think about what will make me happy tomorrow. Pretty soon, my spirits are lifted and good things are coming into my life.
I have been slowly letting go of my poverty mentality this year – thinking, worrying, and stressing over money. Instead, I have thought about things I’d like to do and places I’d like to go. As if by a miracle, once I decided to do those things, the money is just coming in. I’m starting to just trust the universe to support the things I want to do in life, like travel or volunteer work.
To be fair, though, I have not always felt this way. It took many years and a lot of soul searching to stop being a victim. I found that whatever I stressed over (like poverty, for instance) was what I got more of. We are all really beautiful rays of light, but most of us just do not see it. Yes, it’s good to have people in our lives to reflect our beauty back to us. But let’s face it, if we’re not open to receiving the positive feedback – if we don’t trust it or can’t receive it, the help and support will just pass us by and we will deflect it. So there is a step we need to take even BEFORE we receive help from others. That is to BELIEVE that these people can help us. This requires to some degree a positive regard for ourselves and faith that things can get better. This is something we can direct our minds and hearts to believe. We are SO powerful.
Hugs to all,
Star
P.S. Milo, I have read all of Dave Pelzer’s books, and he is one of my heroes.
Have you guys ever read the book, “As Nature Made Him”? It’s the story of a boy who was raised as a girl, on the recommendation of a spath doctor, because the boy accidentally lost his penis at a very young age in a circumcision instrument. He lived a MISERABLE life, not understanding what was wrong with him. When he was finally told the truth, he underwent mastectomies from the years of female hormone treatments, and had genital surgeries to try to rebuild male sex organs. He eventually married a woman with kids (he couldn’t have any because doctors had removed his testicles trying to turn him into a woman). He went on to marry and live a happy and successful life. I have not heard of ANY type of abuse that cannot be overcome.
Stargazer,
I agree with you about the way we think about things and having a positive attitude versus a defeatest attitude, however, some people seem to take the “positive” attitude to the level of “magical thinking” in which case, no matter how positive their attitude is, IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN.
No matter how badly I want to be an NBA star and make 22 million dollars per year and how I imagine myself to be growing, I am NOT going to grow up to 7 ft. tall and be able to throw a basket ball with great precision. LOL (I realize that is hyperbole but just making an absurd point) so having a “positive attitude” is one thing and being “DELUSION” is another.
We should all set reasonable goals for ourselves and find what we really want to do in our lives, what we want to accomplish and head toward and work toward those goals. Also keep in mind that the goals I set for myself at age 18 are not the same goals that I would work toward today (even if I were age 18 but knew what I know now! LOL And as we go through life our goals, and our basic desires change as we learn and grown through the years. While it is important to me to have enough money to pay the light bill, I do not care at all about a new upscale car or being wealthy. If I won the lotto my life would not change very much at all.
So I encourage myself to have an “up beat” attitude and think positively and be at peace, I still don’t imagine or even want to try to focus on something that is pretty well not likely to happen. Well, off to see the Wizard, you guys keep it between the ditches and throw a gray rock at any passing troll! (((hugs)))
Yeah, Oxy, I don’t really have any idea on how you draw the line between a realistic goal and magical thinking. If someone had ever told me I’d be the lead singer in a rock band, or live in Europe for a year with no money, I would have thought they were nuts. I think a lot of people don’t think big because they are so used to people telling them that their dreams are unrealistic and out of their reach. I honestly believe that what you can dream, you can achieve. But if you have any self-doubt, that doubt will sabotage you. People can only get in life what they can visualize. There are many outside-the-box solutions for seemingly impossible problems. But to think outside the box, you have to drop your limited thinking about what is possible and what is impossible.
One of my recent massage teachers and mentor of mine told the class that the only reason we cannot walk through walls is that we have a collective belief that we can’t. There are people in native american culture who do all kinds of strange things like shape shifting and astral travel. But they don’t have the same limiting beliefs about time and space we have in our culture.
I tend to think of delusional/magical thinking as a trait of someone who is disordered. In that case, I would agree – I think meditation and visualization work for people who are basically healthy and intact mentally. I don’t know if it works for people who are disordered. Although, it’s a fascinating study how a spath can often get what they want through their own willpower and yet they are the most disordered people out there.
Star,
the human race got where it is today because of magical thinking. Imagine a cave man wishing he could fly. Or a Roman soldier wondering what people on the other side of the world are doing. If either of these guys ever mentioned such things to their wives or friends, they would be the laughing stock for being “out of touch with reality”. Yet today, people do both things every day, because we have the knowledge to accomplish it. Yet it took a “dreamer” to imagine it first.
My spath, unfortunately, is a perfect example of magical thinking. He never attended school past the 6th grade, yet he taught himself to play guitar, so he could play in rock bands and earn money. He taught himself to weld, so he could get a better job. He taught himself to fly a helicopter so he could kill a guy and steal his copter. He taught himself to design machines in AutoCad so he could con people out of money…
um, where was I going with this… ?
I lost my focus.
Oh yeah, the moral of the story is: where there’s a psychopathic-will, there’s a way, but we don’t have to be evil to make our dreams come true. 🙂
LOL I am one of the biggest out-of-the-box dreamers I know. When I bought my first condo in the ghetto, I had a vision of how I wanted to remodel it – my color scheme was really different from the earth tones everyone loves here in Colorado. I put in lilac carpets, a black and white checkerboard kitchen floor with PURPLE countertops, and red furniture. I had a lilac carpeted cat tree “growing” out of the middle of the living room floor. EVERYONE told me not to do it. They said I would NEVER sell my home with those colors. Well, would you believe that when I listed it, I had people fighting over it? There was actually a bidding war. It sold for the highest price of any condo that had ever sold there. It was a one-bedroom and sold for more than the 3-bedrooms. I have long ago stopped listening to people’s fear-based advice about what I can and can’t do. Do you know how many people think I’m crazy for wanting to move to Costa Rica with no retirement? Or for even wanting to move there at all? I say, watch me do it. I would NEVER tell a sincere person that they cannot achieve their dreams. If a fat old bald man really wants to be a ballerina, I say go for it! You never know what the pursuit of your dreams will lead you to.