I am always fascinated by the way we use our thoughts and our language — both are extremely powerful tools, both have equally as much power to help us as to hinder us, depending on the way we use them. In the vast majority of cases, people have little idea of just how much control they actually do have over their experiences — and even less understanding about how to do something to positively influence how they’re feeling. And you know the strangest thing? Most people are so acutely aware of what they don’t want that they’ve forgotten what it is they do want — which is why so many remain stuck.
Not so long ago I was working with a lady who’d had some pretty rough experiences. She’d already told me that she felt unloved, unsupported and useless. The interesting thing about the session is what happened when I asked her to imagine her ideal life, when she could be do and have the things she said she wanted. She started off well, listing things like a loving relationship and a happy home, but in order to describe it better she explained the things she didn’t want:
“I really don’t want to stay in this job — it makes me feel as if I don’t matter” ”¦hmmm”¦ “I don’t like my house either, it’s too small, too untidy and I feel uncomfortable there” ”¦.okay”¦. “My family is certainly not the way I’d like them to be! They judge me all the time, they make me feel useless — sometimes I wonder if they even notice me at all!”
And of course she went straight back in to describing in great detail how rotten she felt and how terrible her life was — even though she’d already told me earlier about the things that were wrong! Whenever this happens my inner smile grows wider, because I know beyond question that my coaching session is going to be a success. I know that I’m going to be able to help the person I’m with, and that in turn makes me happy.
So ok, you may be thinking, what’s that all about then? And what’s my point?
Internal Google
My point is this. The human brain works somewhat like a computer search engine. It is, if you like, our internal Google, and is extremely obedient to every instruction we give it. Our brain cannot differentiate between positive or negative. Good or bad. Do or do not. It just does. It has to find a reference in order to make sense of any situation or instruction it’s given, and our thoughts become our experiences. So explaining the things we don’t want or telling someone not to do something, has exactly the opposite effect.
For example, have you ever witnessed this kind of interaction between a mother and child? The child is carefully walking across the room balancing a cup of juice. The mother, aware of the dangers, says “Don’t drop that!” The child looks up, loses concentration and”¦ drops it.
As another example, how about I give you this direct instruction: Don’t think about the tigers. Do NOT think about the tigers. OK? Absolutely under no circumstance are you to think about the tigers — particularly not the pink tigers wearing bowler hats and wellington boots!
Now — what have you got in your head? I’ll bet you’ve got tigers of some sort. Some of you may even have pictures of pink tigers in hats and boots. And yet… what was my original instruction? It was to NOT think about tigers — but you did! You thought about exactly the things I asked you not to think about – because your own internal Google had to find a reference in order to make sense of what I was saying.
It’s like the mother and child scenario — by telling the child not to drop the drink, guess what? The drink is dropped — because that’s what the child’s internal Google search engine found in response to the mother’s instructions.
You Can Choose
None of this is rocket science — some of the best things in life are usually incredibly simple. The thing is, though, I’ve discovered that very few people actually grasp the fact that although they may be striving towards something positive, because they’re so clear about what they don’t like about their life, they’re unconsciously keeping themselves stuck in the very place they say they don’t like!
When I first learned about this idea many years ago, I was surprised about how tricky it was for me to actually list the things I’d like to have in my life without slipping in to the trap of describing the things I didn’t like. This was the kind of dialogue that went on in my head:
“I’d like a home in the country, where my son is away from the London fumes because it makes him sick”
Can you see what I was doing? I was instructing my thoughts to bring up the images of my son being sick — and thereby messing with my dream to live in the countryside. Doh! So I’d change it:
“I’d like a home in the country where my son is healthy and happy” — and once I was clear on that, I’d make it even stronger by turning it into an affirmation:
“My son and I are living in a beautiful home in the country, and we are healthy and happy”
For a long time I would have internal tussles as I gradually learned to train my thoughts to concentrate on the things I chose to bring in to my life. And guess what happened? As my thoughts became clearer, and my internal Google kept searching out the good stuff — I automatically felt happier. Yes, even before I achieved the things that at that time were just a dream. And because I felt happier, I was more open to positive opportunities and more able to take action as a result. Incidentally, we moved to a beautiful home in the country less than six months after I started monitoring my thoughts.
You’ve heard the phrase “be careful what you wish for””¦? Well, so far as I’m concerned, every thought we have, every word we utter, is a wish — and a confirmation that this is indeed the wish we have chosen. So that’s why I so consciously do my best to choose exactly what I say and what I think.
Because I am certain that our thoughts really do influence our reality — and no matter what has happened, or who is trying to control us, nothing and nobody can ever control our thoughts. For me, it was the conscious freedom of my thoughts that helped me to heal my pain, and it’s that same conscious thinking that now continue to help me create the life of my dreams.
Hey, I don’t get it right all the time — far from it. And I also have my gloomy times as you already know. The thing is, though, by remembering about the tigers, I can pull myself back on track and get my thoughts and feelings back in gear. And you know what? It works.
As for that lady I talked about at the beginning of this article? Well, once I’d explained about the tigers and we’d done a couple of exercises together, she was totally able to imagine the life of her dreams in absolute detail. As she described it to me, her face lit up and her entire body lifted. She left the session looking younger and taller – and since then she’s reported back about some amazingly positive shifts she’s already experienced.
So my Lovefraud friends, until next week, just remember”¦ don’t think about the good stuff”¦ do NOT think about the good stuff! Certainly don’t even consider all the wonderful things that are coming to you right now”¦
You see? It does work doesn’t it?
😉
Stargazer
Oxy, visionaries rarely do the hard work themselves because this is not what they are cut out for. There are other people who are more suited to carry out the details of the plan. And visionaries are not necessarily good people (look at Hitler).
I told my co-worker today about a line of shoes I designed in a dream one night. She thought it was a cool idea and encouraged me to go to the local design school to see if someone could make the prototype of it. Of course if I were ever lucky enough to sell my idea, I wouldn’t be the one making the shoes. It would just be my idea. 🙂 The hard work for a visionary is getting other people to buy their idea.
Constantine
Oh, and you have a point Star. But I think Oxy does as well. For that matter, I know someone who takes the “positive thinking” stuff a bit far – so that every time I get the sniffles, it’s because something was wrong with my thinking process! Maybe they’re right, but I find it mildly annoying to always have things reduced to a mystical formula that conveniently makes every misfortune MY fault! Even if it’s true on one level, I also think that sometimes people just get the sniffles.
More seriously, one has to watch falling into the “blame the victim” mentality, where every poor, sick or underprivileged person is the way they are simply because they MADE themselves that way (i.e., their negative thoughts brought the negative realities, etc. And a lot of TV “self-help types” seem to imply this.). Again, this might be true to a certain extent, and in certain cases; but in others, I think there are a host of other facters that come into play.
Stargazer
Constantine, that turns the orignal intent of the article around to “blame the victim”. I am not saying that when something bad happens, it is because the person caused it to happen. And I don’t think that was the intent of the article. I am also not saying that you shouldn’t feel the depth of pain of whatever you are going through – rage, scream, cry, and vent. I am saying that you are more likely to have continued bad things happen to you if you spend your time focusing on those bad things. Can you see the difference? It’s not the same as saying every bad thing that happens to you is your fault.
People who are in pain need to experience the pain. They can’t just wish it away. But at the same time, I believe that as humans we are constantly in a state of movement and change. Grieving actually moves us to a different place, and this is something we can interpret as positive.
Stargazer
It’s been fun debating with you guys! But I am committed to keeping this weight off, so I’m off to the gym.
Hugs,
Star
skylar
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36984682/ns/health-childrens_health/t/no-limits-teen-without-limbs/
Here is the story about the teen dancer with no limbs. The story makes it clear that it’s her attitude that makes her so successful and popular.
Sometimes I wonder if positive thinking changes anything at all. Maybe it only changes our perspective of what has happened.
I lost everything when I learned about psychopaths. I even lost my parents. All the people I had loved, dropped their masks and it was horrifying. But my focus was mostly on being grateful that it had finally happened and that I would no longer be deceived. I’d rather know the truth than live with liars. My loss is still there, I’m still sad about it but my focus is on what I gained because any other focus would be unbearable.
Stargazer
Constantine, yes there are people who think like that, but that’s not what I’m talking about and I don’t think that’s what the article implies. I don’t know how it got turned around to “blame the victim” thinking but I never gathered that from this article or from any other teachings. I don’t even think “positive thinking” is what the article is talking about. I think it is just saying there is a correlation between how you direct your thoughts and energy and what it magnetizes in your life – NOT necessarily the other way around. It is a bastardization of the message to say that if something bad happened to you, it’s because you didn’t think positively enough. I do, however, think a horrible thing can happen to you, but you can still turn it into a positive with the power of your mind. The mind is extremely powerful.
Stargazer
Sky, I have also lost everything because I never had a family who really loved me, and I disowned them all a long time ago. That left a huge void in my life. It hurt me for years and years and made me feel like I was different and alone. I resented pretty much everyone else who seemed to have what I could never have. Then I decided that without the anchor of my biological family, I was free to choose other people to be my family. So now I have two internet families, a work family, and a small community of friends – a few of them starting to become close friends. I am probably a little more personable than most people because everywhere I go, I reach out to people to be my family. I even made a family out of the people I went herping in Costa Rica with last May. I now focus on my relationships with them, and less on what I don’t have. I don’t know how and why but it works. It seems to magnetize more caring people into my life. This doesn’t mean it was my fault that I had abusive parents. I cannot change that. But I CAN change what I do with my life from now on, and I can refuse to let my past define me and defeat me.
onebody
With regard to SarahPL’s objection to the book, I do agree with her. It does not completely cover the problems that some of us had. His life was relatively fine (he was a doctor with caring parents), then he went through hell, then he recovered. That’s not the same as those of us who were born in hell, went through even more, then escaped but still have their children there left to go through the same things we did. Where’s the hope in that?
We are still suffering. On top of that, there is no understanding or compassion for those of us that do escape. There is just more abuse. It is not the same.
In a way, this article and some of the comments ARE blaming the victim. In order for us to escape physically, we ALL had a vision, a reasonable plan, and worked to get it done. None of that mattered because we/I received no validation or outside support from others that said they would (or it is their jobs to) help us if we needed it. THAT is why we failed. Lack of outside support, abandonment and betrayal when we are at our weakest.
So what I learned in the aftermath of that is that I need to reestablish new, good support. Without it, no amount of hard work, dedication, good thoughts, faith or prayer makes a difference. It’s for nothing. So, I learn how to discern good from not-so-good (and sometimes plain evil). Then I go find ways to meet people and find that I can not connect because of what I’ve been through. Not to normal people that have not had their entire lives destroyed by evil. I can feel the disconnect.
All this talk about how you can escape and start over is wrong. It is false hope. If I knew that, I would have stayed and kept with my original plan of waiting until my boys were at least teenagers.
Yes, I regret leaving.
panther
Constantine, I love this line of yours: “What I object to are the superficial types you see on TV, who put everything into an overly neat little formula, where all the complexity of existence is stripped away, and the universe becomes nothing but a big candy dispenser.”
Well said. I wish you had been here when I was talking about my mother and The Secret. Oh, she’s so funny.
Okay…anyways…
Hello.
I have been wondering where you were. Now I see. There you are! 🙂
You know when you were impersonating a certain someone who….didnt uese any punctuatin and coudnt spell cause they dont care about being understood since there gods and who gives a poo if noone can follow theyre sentences.
Well, that reminded me of something my P father does. He impersonates a southern accent sometimes when he talks to people and he acts really, really stupid. He acts like not all the lights are on, makes dopey statements, and speaks with a very well-developed southern twang (very slowly, too, like his brain isn’t totally working). I used to watch him in confusion as a teenager. He’d just suddenly switch when talking to certain people. I never asked him why, but one day he volunteered to share with me his perceived sense of brilliance. He said that he did it so that people would think he’s really stupid and thus wouldn’t be prepared for him (he has a 175 IQ). He said when he talks like that, no one suspects he’s a genius, so they let their guard down.
That adds a whole new level to creepy when you think about the idiot spaths we’ve encountered!!!
strongawoman
One body ….don’t allow regret to consume you. If there is no way of changing the situation then punishing yourself is cruel. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. You must have been desperate to leave your children. You must have thought I can’t stay another minute. Never mind until they were teenagers. So sorry