I am always fascinated by the way we use our thoughts and our language — both are extremely powerful tools, both have equally as much power to help us as to hinder us, depending on the way we use them. In the vast majority of cases, people have little idea of just how much control they actually do have over their experiences — and even less understanding about how to do something to positively influence how they’re feeling. And you know the strangest thing? Most people are so acutely aware of what they don’t want that they’ve forgotten what it is they do want — which is why so many remain stuck.
Not so long ago I was working with a lady who’d had some pretty rough experiences. She’d already told me that she felt unloved, unsupported and useless. The interesting thing about the session is what happened when I asked her to imagine her ideal life, when she could be do and have the things she said she wanted. She started off well, listing things like a loving relationship and a happy home, but in order to describe it better she explained the things she didn’t want:
“I really don’t want to stay in this job — it makes me feel as if I don’t matter” ”¦hmmm”¦ “I don’t like my house either, it’s too small, too untidy and I feel uncomfortable there” ”¦.okay”¦. “My family is certainly not the way I’d like them to be! They judge me all the time, they make me feel useless — sometimes I wonder if they even notice me at all!”
And of course she went straight back in to describing in great detail how rotten she felt and how terrible her life was — even though she’d already told me earlier about the things that were wrong! Whenever this happens my inner smile grows wider, because I know beyond question that my coaching session is going to be a success. I know that I’m going to be able to help the person I’m with, and that in turn makes me happy.
So ok, you may be thinking, what’s that all about then? And what’s my point?
Internal Google
My point is this. The human brain works somewhat like a computer search engine. It is, if you like, our internal Google, and is extremely obedient to every instruction we give it. Our brain cannot differentiate between positive or negative. Good or bad. Do or do not. It just does. It has to find a reference in order to make sense of any situation or instruction it’s given, and our thoughts become our experiences. So explaining the things we don’t want or telling someone not to do something, has exactly the opposite effect.
For example, have you ever witnessed this kind of interaction between a mother and child? The child is carefully walking across the room balancing a cup of juice. The mother, aware of the dangers, says “Don’t drop that!” The child looks up, loses concentration and”¦ drops it.
As another example, how about I give you this direct instruction: Don’t think about the tigers. Do NOT think about the tigers. OK? Absolutely under no circumstance are you to think about the tigers — particularly not the pink tigers wearing bowler hats and wellington boots!
Now — what have you got in your head? I’ll bet you’ve got tigers of some sort. Some of you may even have pictures of pink tigers in hats and boots. And yet… what was my original instruction? It was to NOT think about tigers — but you did! You thought about exactly the things I asked you not to think about – because your own internal Google had to find a reference in order to make sense of what I was saying.
It’s like the mother and child scenario — by telling the child not to drop the drink, guess what? The drink is dropped — because that’s what the child’s internal Google search engine found in response to the mother’s instructions.
You Can Choose
None of this is rocket science — some of the best things in life are usually incredibly simple. The thing is, though, I’ve discovered that very few people actually grasp the fact that although they may be striving towards something positive, because they’re so clear about what they don’t like about their life, they’re unconsciously keeping themselves stuck in the very place they say they don’t like!
When I first learned about this idea many years ago, I was surprised about how tricky it was for me to actually list the things I’d like to have in my life without slipping in to the trap of describing the things I didn’t like. This was the kind of dialogue that went on in my head:
“I’d like a home in the country, where my son is away from the London fumes because it makes him sick”
Can you see what I was doing? I was instructing my thoughts to bring up the images of my son being sick — and thereby messing with my dream to live in the countryside. Doh! So I’d change it:
“I’d like a home in the country where my son is healthy and happy” — and once I was clear on that, I’d make it even stronger by turning it into an affirmation:
“My son and I are living in a beautiful home in the country, and we are healthy and happy”
For a long time I would have internal tussles as I gradually learned to train my thoughts to concentrate on the things I chose to bring in to my life. And guess what happened? As my thoughts became clearer, and my internal Google kept searching out the good stuff — I automatically felt happier. Yes, even before I achieved the things that at that time were just a dream. And because I felt happier, I was more open to positive opportunities and more able to take action as a result. Incidentally, we moved to a beautiful home in the country less than six months after I started monitoring my thoughts.
You’ve heard the phrase “be careful what you wish for””¦? Well, so far as I’m concerned, every thought we have, every word we utter, is a wish — and a confirmation that this is indeed the wish we have chosen. So that’s why I so consciously do my best to choose exactly what I say and what I think.
Because I am certain that our thoughts really do influence our reality — and no matter what has happened, or who is trying to control us, nothing and nobody can ever control our thoughts. For me, it was the conscious freedom of my thoughts that helped me to heal my pain, and it’s that same conscious thinking that now continue to help me create the life of my dreams.
Hey, I don’t get it right all the time — far from it. And I also have my gloomy times as you already know. The thing is, though, by remembering about the tigers, I can pull myself back on track and get my thoughts and feelings back in gear. And you know what? It works.
As for that lady I talked about at the beginning of this article? Well, once I’d explained about the tigers and we’d done a couple of exercises together, she was totally able to imagine the life of her dreams in absolute detail. As she described it to me, her face lit up and her entire body lifted. She left the session looking younger and taller – and since then she’s reported back about some amazingly positive shifts she’s already experienced.
So my Lovefraud friends, until next week, just remember”¦ don’t think about the good stuff”¦ do NOT think about the good stuff! Certainly don’t even consider all the wonderful things that are coming to you right now”¦
You see? It does work doesn’t it?
😉
Onebody, I agree with strongawoman’s comment “don’t allow regret to consume you.” Also the point that Dr. Frankly made about pain that was very helpful to me is that “Pain acts like a gas, even a little of it expands to completely fill the container it is in, or a lot of it compresses and the container is still full.” PAIN IS TOTAL. Your pain is no worse than mine, and mine is no worse than yours. We both have TOTAL PAIN.
The fact that Dr Frankl had a good life up until he went to the death camp is beside the point, when he got to the camp, he had TOTAL HORROR, TOTAL PAIN. Even a baby who drops its pacifier is in TOTAL PAIN from the loss and cries its heart out at the loss.
I hear TOTAL PAIN in your posts, and I also hear REGRETS consuming you “I would have stayed if I had known” It is difficult not to have these regrets, but no matter what we do we can’t change the past. I have found though, that sometimes when something happens that we think (at the time) that it is a horrible thing, turns out in the end to have been a GOOD THING. Since we don’t have the foresight to know what tomorrow brings, sometimes we just have to trust that “things happen for a reason” and it is quite possible that if you had stayed, you would not have survived. You are alive for your kids. That right there is a good thing! God bless and comfort you! (((hugs)))
Hi Panther,
How are you? Yes, when Louise asked if that guy was your S, I immediately knew that he wasn’t; because, after all, that fellow never claimed to be: 1) The Son of Man, 2) The Messiah, 3)The Second Coming of Jesus, 4) MMA World Champion, 5) The rightful head of The United Nations, 6) The most supernally beautiful male in the Eastern world since the emperor Xerxes, etc etc.
But that is creepy about your dad’s fake accent! At any rate, every time I read your posts, I’m amazed at the kinds of life experiences you’ve had. I particularly enjoyed your story about working at the “psychic hotline,” where the crazed boss yelled at everyone and barked out commands over the intercom (!) and, of course (my personal favorite), the one about you climbing a tree to escape being caught at a “phony bologny” social event! (You probably have no idea how refreshing that is to me!) Haha, Panther, you’re kind of like a modern female version of David Copperfield: you just need to find your Charles Dickens to put it all into writing!
On a more serious note, make sure that your P-sperm donor isn’t ever able to contact you again. If he keeps breaking into your Facebook account, perhaps you need to ask yourself whether in the grand scheme of things, Facebook is even that important? It might be nice as a tool to keep in touch with old friends, etc.; but if he keeps on using that as the main point of entry into your life, well, in that case I would say it’s simply not worth it. Anyhow, just something to think about….
Otherwise, hope all is well with you.
Constantine,
Your comment about the “fake accent” is funny to me. The psychopath creep that lives across the road from me, when he first moved her he spoke in this THICK OBVIOUSLY PHONY SCOTTISH ACCENT. He wore fatigues and a red beret of some kind and stomped around like some commando. The neighbors were pretty well spooked by this guy.
I’m not sure what about his accent made me know it was phony but I knew it from the get go and I kind of had a WTF moment and I asked him. “Where were you born and raised?” and he sheepishly said “Little Rock (Arkansas)” and I said “then why on God’s green earth are you talking in that phony accent? His answer was “well, my name is Scottish” LOL He eventually quit wearing the fatigues and beret but he never quit telling the yarns of being in the CIA, FBI, Navy Seals, and about his 5,000 parachute jumps in Viet Nam….but people finally got tired of him coming around and so he lives now in the woods like a hermit. After he sued me for $50K for HIS mental suffering because the plane my husband was in crashed in his pasture (he didn’t get anything) at the deposition (which is a hoot to read) I had my attorney primed to ask him some embarrassing questions, like “Oh, January 8, 1998 did you tell John Doe that you had worked under cover for the CIA, FBI and were a Navy Seal?” We just made up the date, but the name was a neighbor that he had told those tales to. His eyes got as big as SAUCERS and He almost swallowed his tongue and he had to admit that “yes, I told Mr. Doe that” and my lawyer kept on firing questions like that to him. The attorney for him that was there with him was a RELATIVE that he sure did not want to know about all the tall tales and lies he had told to try to impress people. LOL It was absolutely FUNNY how his own lies cornered him and embarrassed him in front of his relatives, showed him for the phony he was/is. Plus, he didn’t get a cent. After the deposition his attorney send a letter to my attorney offering to settle for $15 K to save the trouble of going to court. Myt attorney fired back a letter that said “Well, we’ll just see you in court because there’s not a jury in this county that would not tar and feather your client on the way out of court for even having the nerve to sue this widow and her family after what they lost in that air crash.” LOL I loved that attorney! He was right, too, in fact, the nut job moved out of the community for some time after that because so many people came down on him for suing me. In fact, one man, a deacon in a local church, offered to off the creep for me if I wanted him to. Frankly I DID want to get revenge on that creep, but I finally came to terms with that, and realized by wanting revenge against him, I was only hurting myself not him. Bitterness is like that….it eats away at US not those we are bitter toward.
Constantine, you are HILARIOUS! You had me cracking up!!! The Messiah! I see you know him well then! He also told me once that some guy stopped him on the streets of London and said that he was in a cult and that spath was the reincarnation of their cult’s God….they’d been looking for him and were so happy to have found him (too bad they didn’t confiscate him on the spot and then there’d be one less spath on the loose).
You have a good memory of all the happenings in my personal history book 😛 It’s a been a wild ride, alright! But not too unlike many others in here. Speaking of which…
Ox, I just read through your story about the Scottish accent. If he weren’t such a pain in the ars, it would have been hilarious. My grandpa is delusional, but not a spath, and he tells funny stories too. Not like a spath. Just like a very confused person 🙂 I am glad that guy didn’t take you all the way to court. What a nut!
Panther I actually wish it had gone to court as he would have been tarred and feathered on the way out of court by the JURY!!!! This is a red neck enclave for sure and enough people already hate him he would not have gone away without some problems. LOL Fortunately his attorney realized that there was nothing to be gained in court and that my attorney realized that as well.
I think when his cousin took the case he didn’t realize what a well known nut job the guy was in this community and how the guy had behaved at the scene of the crash with serious injuries etc. I had literally dozens of witnesses to his bizarre and inappropriate behavior both before the crash and during as well.
Talk about psychopaths “not getting it” though, after it came out in the newspaper in the court section that he had filed suit against me, he denied he had done it, he said “Oh, my attorney did it, I didn’t know anything about it.” He did not realize that NO ONE would think he was entitled to a monetary settlement because the plane crashed in his field. He didn’t get it that everyone thought he was EVIL for even filing the suit. THE DO NOT GET how normal people think.
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Yea, Constantine, the thing is the firm is a WELL known one here in Arkansas and one of the founders was a former GOVERNOR. The guy, we refer to him as “crazy Bob” in the neighborhood, (guess who started that nick name!) is slightly related to them, so that may be why they took the case. Also, he showed up at the scene of the crash and behaved VERY inappropriately and In the chaos, I’m afraid I told him in “no uncertain terms” to go away. He went to the phone and instead of calling 911, he called the sheriff’s office and wanted to know what they were going to do about all the damages to his place!@....... The dispatcher told him “Bob, we are trying to save lives here, get the Fark off the phone!” Then he called his insurance agent and wanted to know what they were going to do….all the while, the 911 folks and neighbors were scrambling to help us.
He came back to the site of the crash after the call to his insurance agent and had to be told again to get out of the way of emergency vehicles and personnel and I think he was actually embarrassed to not be the center of attention and to be told to go away. I’m really not sure he doesn’t have some Aspergers going on there as well, because he is very socially incompetent, but also probably some ADHD as well, and the posturing, continual lying to try to puff up his standing in the community and get people to believe he is “someone important.” His lies and tall tales are so “off the wall” no one, even a five year old would believe them.
His family is pretty well to do, his sister owns a huge jewelry store that SHE started (i.e. she didn’t marry into bucks, she made them) but he is pretty socially mal adapted, and doesn’t bathe (you can smell him a mile away) he is also a hoarder of both “stuff” and of animals, which he does not know how to care for. He is malicious though, so I don’t think it is ONLY Aspergers or something on the autistic scale, because he IS malicious. I think under the right circumstances (it wouldn’t take much) that he would be very dangerous.
Dear Onebody. Your story is like Christmas gift for me. It validates my silenced feelings and experiences. And I feel connectedness, precious gift. I went through many therapies, yet, I dont see a way how issues of external validation and emotional connectedness can be resolved. Without it, there is no hope. Wish you peace during the holidays.
SarahPL, You say you don’t see how “issues of external validation and emotional connectedness can be resolved” but that’s the point, we can VALIDATE OURSELVES and CONNECT WITH OURSELVES. We don’t have to have others validate us or even connect with us, we must do these things for ourselves. The other “external validation and connection” is a plus but is not essential. Self validation and self connection is essential.
onebody and SarahPl,
Your comments about lack of hope for children without good parents made me think. I also googled the book about the boy raised as a dog.
http://www.amazon.com/Boy-Who-Was-Raised-Psychiatrists/dp/0465056520
A reviewer wrote a comment that I think sheds some light on what you are saying:
This is a valid point and I don’t have one answer. But I have some thoughts on the subject.
It might be that a belief in a supernatural being who loves us can be a partial substitute for parents. I think for me it is.
Parents are supposed to instill a feeling of safety and the ability to trust, in a child. N-parents do the opposite, so a child grows up afraid, unable to connect, perhaps paranoid, perhaps spath.
If your parents didn’t instill that in you, you must do it for yourself. You must logically convince yourself that the universe has infinite wisdom and it is unfolding as it should and it will continue to do so. In that belief, you will find trust and a universal love. No, it’s not powerful like the love of parents is, but it’s a seed. Plant that seed and nourish it. When you go out to meet people try to feel that universal love and trust. From there, you can grow more trust and love based on the people you meet who love you back.
I’m sorry that you both had inadequate parents. Mine sucked too.
here’s a song for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdeMkywlS54