Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
sstiles54–
the story of your legal struggles sounds familiar. The judges don’t understand about psychopaths. For the most part, they don’t get it and force “compromise” onto the parties–sort of like what you experienced.
It will take many more years to educate the judiciary and the legal system. A start has been made. I recently attended a seminar by Bill Eddy, who is an attorney and a therapist. He teaches seminars to the legal, mental health, and business community about dealing with what he calls “High Conflict” Personalities. Here is a link to his website:
http://highconflictinstitute.com/
the articles page has some good articles on litigation.
I know that doesn’t help you one bit. I sympathize. My x isn’t paying support. I’m preparing a petition to enforce, but the sad thing is that I don’t expect it to do one bit of good. In fact, it may be harmful in my situation (1) my three sons may find out (from him) and ask me “why are suing Dad? He says he can’t find a job and can’t afford to pay” (or whatever story he gives them) and (2) x gets meaner when in litigation, including meaner to me. I have NoContact except regarding my sons. But 3 kids mandates a little contact.
So until the legal system people get educated they will treat situations like ours based upon what they do know (NORMAL people). Judges will believe what the x’s say and give them another chance, and another.
This part of the book jumped out at me:
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and fail to see through all kinds of lies.
I was raised in a strict religion and held onto it tightly for many years. Very ideological. I think that contributed to my blindness because it idealized “good” and “bad.” Bad was so obvious–murderers, thieves, etc. Good was what I was taught to be–take up your cross, put others first and yourself last, etc. I was totally blind to the gray areas–to people who were both good and bad, so to speak.
Does that sound familiar to anyone? Did anyone else “fall prey” to a very ideological religion?
Or do you know anyone raised this way?
Pearl:
Good link.
“High Conflict” personalities add a dimension to any negotiation or litigation unlike anything I ever could have conceived of. The “take no prisoner” mentality they exhibit is absolutely devastating.
And what makes it even worse is that judges, indeed the system at large, lets them get away with it. Chance after chance after chance. No accountability whatsoever.
You and I are both attorneys. We’re supposedly in a better position than most to protect ourselves. And look where we are — being banged around by our respective ex-Ss.
Hey Attorneys: How about the issue of two parties swearing to “tell the truth, the whole truth” while one of them is a pathological liar. And the judge assumes both parties a equally telling and/or distorting the truth. Even if one party can be proven to be a pathological liar, that doesn’t seem to matter.
Any thoughts on this?
Dear Pearl,
Oh, yes, I can relate to that “black and white” way of looking at religion/God and that my mother told me that SHE had the only way to God (i.e. if I didn’t go along with her I would burn in hell forever) I just didn’t realize that the commandment “thou shalt not lie” only applied to me, and that it was OK for HER to lie since she had the “greater good” in mind—i.e covering up her own sins! LOL
I can remember being scared of God sending me to hell by the time I was 5 or 6 and trying to plot a strategy where at the last second before I would die I would tell God I was sorry for being bad and I might be able to fool Him (because I wasn’t perfect you see, mom told me so) and not go to hell.
Since I realized that mom doesn’t have the only telephone that reaches God’s ears, I have discarded her “god” of fear and loathing and replaced him with a LOVING HEAVENLY FATHER. I am no longer an orphan. I have a heavenly father that loves me and is “there for me” not sitting there counting my sins on an abacas chuckling in glee when he sees another one.
I realize how how twisted my mother’s view of religion is/was, and how it was impossible for me to totally accept it (it never felt right) but at the same time I was afraid not to. I’ve had a 180 degree turn now in finding the GOD OF LOVE not the god of hate and malice and hell fire and brimstone. I am no longer afraid of God. I know and accept that I am not perfect, but God has forgiven me, I believe, and therefore I can forgive myself. I no longer have to try to be “perfect” and I no longer have to see my imperfect self as “bad” or “worthless.” (unlike my perfect mother LOL)
At the seminar I attended, Mr. Eddy was describing the different types of personality disorders and when he came to Antisocial, he said:
“They lie on the spot and are more convincing than I am when I tell the truth.”
Isn’t that the truth?
Rune–I think you’re right–in court if being questioned by a busy judge in a hearing or short trial, the judge won’t always be able to see that the liar is lying. However, if an attorney knows what’s going on, and if the matter involves taking a deposition, the attorney can ask the same question many different ways and try to catch the liar in his lies. The liar will be making up stuff on the spot, so the attorney may be able to catch him and use this in a trial or negotiation.
If you’re in litigation with a pathological liar or someone who has a personality disorder, I think it is critical to get counsel who understands personality disorders. Your attorney will need to tailor their approach based upon the opposing party’s “disorder.” A few attorneys are beginning to understand this, particularly in family law.
Unfortunately, Ps/Ss seem to be gravitate toward attorneys with similar personalities, which makes dealing with them extremely difficult. Imagine a P/S party being represented by a P/S attorney—-what a nightmare; but it happens.
I don’t have alot of tactical suggestions for litigation; this is all too new for me. I have no desire whatsoever to engage in litigation with P/S parties or attorneys! However, again, I suggest Bill Eddy’s website—the articles section has some good articles.
OxDrover–I love your story about your childhood strategy to tell God you’re sorry at the last minute and squeeze into heaven! I had a similar strategy as a little girl. What alot of harmful BS is pounded into little children in the name of religion!!!! I was so worried about heaven/hell as a little girl.
I think that black/white thinking contributed to my emotional blindness. I imagine that you had to sit through hellfire sermons as a child? I visited my grandmother’s country church once when I was about 6 and left there scared to death of burning in hell.
Matt–I had a huge blind spot that allowed me to be “taken.” Neither intelligence, education, nor ambition filled in the blind spot. (hey, that’s what I need to tell people who ask how could it happen to me)
But once I decided I couldn’t take it any more and needed to get out, it was amazing what the Universe conspired for me (maybe like your smoke damage?) so that I could learn more about these “bad guys”. One of the cases I was working on involved a con artist who took advantage of my clients, who were Vietnamese immigrants. Con artist. In another case when my client (who was from out of state so we mostly communicated by phone) finally went to mediation, his misogynist attitude became clear. Con artist, misogynist, and so on. I learned to look for clues and symbols around me.
As Carolyn Myss puts it “the world behind your eyes.” There is so much that is unseen.
Pearl: The S/P liked to watch a series of “lite news” shows on Sunday morning, and he insisted that I join him. I’d be thinking of the impossible list of work I needed to tackle (much of it fixing damage he’d created, but I didn’t know that then), but he’d insist that we watch the shows together. Such a lovely time of bonding!
I remember one show about a terrific, charming, high-flying entrepreneur out of San Diego who had taken a succession of people and who was arrested in front of his fiancee just before their wedding, (If my details are off, they’re close enough.) I remember looking at that and thinking, “My God, how could anyone BE like that! and looking over at the S/P and noticing how VERY interested he was in the story.
I remember another show about a preacher who had murdered his wife and dismembered her, strewing parts across the country. When he was arrested, he claimed that she had been abusing him and it was self-defense. (I thought the dismemberment was so gruesome that it argued strongly against “self-defense.) I remember the S/P looking at me in all apparent seriousness, and saying that he understood the man and he believed that it was self-defense. I got a cold chill that I just couldn’t explain away at the time.
Dear Pearl,
Yes, I sat through my share of hell-fire-and-brimstone sermons, and as far as I am concerned that is religious ABUSE of children.
Almost a year to the day after my husband died in the plane crash, which happened on the property across the road from me, the owner of the property who is a jerk, to say the least and at least a Narcissist, and ADHD SUED ME for HIS mental pain and suffering. My “tresspassing” on his pasture my husband had caused him to suffer horrible mental and emotional pain and he needed $50,000 to make it better.
This hit me between the eyes and sent me to the ground. Your talking about depositions reminded me of this. We went to the deposition, and my attorney asked him questions that he was NOT expecting. Like that he had told everyone he was a Navy SEAL, he had worked for CIA, FBI, had made 5000 parachute jumps (no one has ever made that many) and other bald faced lies etc. I thought the guy was going to CHOKE when he was asked if he had told Mr X that he worked for the CIA on June 10th, 200X?
Needless to say, he didn’t collect a dime, as first of all there isn’t a jury in this county that would give him money from the widow of a man who had burned to death (even though it would have come from the insurnace company) The worst part of the deposition was that when we walked out, his attorney said “Mrs. Oxy, we are SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS” I didn’t say anything, but boy I sure WANTED TO. Not I can read the deposition and LAUGH because it really is TOO TOO Funny that someone would be so disordered to think that under those circumstances they could get money!
Not too long after that, the community was so negative toward him that he was literally forced to leave the community. Which didn’t break my heart in the least. I actually had “upstanding citizens” offer to kill him for me. And I admit that there were many nights at that time that I lay awake with burning vengeful wrath filling my heart, but it only hurt ME not him. His law suit was the thing that made me truly reallize that I HAD TO FORGIVE THEM for my OWN SAKE, not theirs. I didn’t want to fill my heart and soul and mind with anger and burning vengeful wrath for the rest of my life. I could never heal as long as I felt like that, I could never come to peace and calm. The anger would have eaten me alive like a cancer of the mind.
Even though I know my P son is still “plotting” and my mother is supplying him with funds which will facilitate his plots, and make his life more comfortable, I still hve to deal with that anger, frustration and fear, and not let it EAT ME ALIVE. I must be cautious and try not to live in TERROR. I realize there is a thin line between the caution and the terror and at present any attack on me can throw me back into the terror, but as long as I work on increasing my stores of energy, I will “self calm” much more rapidly than if I was “energy deficient.”