Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Stargazer
It’s so nice to know that there are fellow journeymen (journeywomen) who understand where I am coming from (and going to).
Libelle, the hardest part of letting go of my mother and sister is that I love them so much and feel so much compassion for them. I understand why they are the way they are and how they have been hurt. For years, I felt it was my obligation to help my sister with her own healing. But now she is 47, and I cannot take on that responsibility any more, even if she asked for my help, which she doesn’t. I cannot fix everybody. I don’t even know if I’d want to do it if I got paid for it. I have not shut either one of them out of my life. I just have my boundaries firmly in place so that if either of them ever return to my life, I will lay down the ground rules.
recovering
Stargazer: We also have in common learning this assertiveness stuff — I went extreme at one point but feel balance now. LOL.
It has been a lifelong process. I too started on the healing path in my mid-20s like you, and I am now 47 — and you are 49.
And yes, I totally relate to the part about being the embodiment of the ’wounded healer’ — more healed “with humility” than wounded now, but always wanting to remember how much it took to get to this new place of consciousness and comfort within self.
We are middle-aged and can’t afford to keep repeating the same mistakes and absorbing the same garbage from others as we did in the first half of our lives.
Onward and upward to making our personal and professional dreams come true.
And to think that Stargazer originated as a snake-related word. LOL
Stargazer
Yay for recovering healers!!! You sound like a very interesting person, recovering.
And I was amazed that the name Stargazer was not taken by anyone on either site. It is such a common username everywhere else.
Numb
WOOOOOOOOOOW This book is amazing!
Women Who Love Psychopaths
Just had to share a good laugh.
My most current hurt as I posted earlier was his running off in the middle of sex with the excuse he was late for an appointment………..I know this is how he punishes me and drives me crazy for days…………..
Well….the dumbass dosent know that the addiction I have to his lame ass needs the OXYTOCIN from an orgasam or cuddle etc. so a over a week without it I am feeling pretty sassy and able to see things so much better…………
Numb
Stargazer
He realized he was late for an appointment while he was in the middle of SEX? ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry, not laughing at your expense, just at his stupidity. If a guy ever did that with me, it would be the LAST time sex would ever be offered up to that loser!!
pollyannanomore
Numb – I realised towards the end that the sex was complicating my thinking towards him a lot so I moved out of the bedroom and stopped sleeping with him – much more clarity and I was finally able to see his behaviour as abuse without me adding my rationalisations to defend him. The sex is an important part of being tied to them and they know it. Good for you getting the book – it should explain heaps and give you some comfort that you were not at fault 🙂
ErinBrock
Numb:
“Well”.the dumbass dosent know that the addiction I have to his lame ass needs the OXYTOCIN from an orgasam or cuddle etc. so a over a week without it I am feeling pretty sassy and able to see things so much better——”
Can you just imagine how clear I am……2 plus years without sex??????
Damn girl……an apt????? WTF????
GO CELEBATE!!!!!!
It’s not all that bad!
🙂 🙂
Numb
Yea, Late for an apt…………..he knew exactly what it would do to me as far as drive me crazy.
I provided tons of power trip and entertainment to him but I can laugh now because he thought I would drive 3 hours to him to finish the act………Not !
Stargazer
Because he was just that wonderful!!!??? NOT. God, sociopaths are so damned arrogant, aren’t they?
ErinBrock
3 HOURS….to wrap it up……Sorry…….at this point…..i’ll roll over, reach under my bed and grab my power ‘skillet’……
It’ll finish the job JUST FINE!!!! AND without the head trips!
NA NA NA…….GOODBYE!!!