Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Okay….I would appreicate all input on this issue. I need to protect myself, here, and I’m afraid that my desire to disclose (YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS) will send me right off the hook.
Youngest son is spending time with a caring, open family (thank God). The mother has contacted me to discuss her concerns about my son. He is 19 years old, is “under the care” of his older spath brother since their spath father dropped dead, last year. Money is at stake – youngest son is receiving SSI Survivor’s Benefits while he’s still in school, and there’s some sort of life insurance settlement that has likely been squandered.
Now…school “officials” have been concerned about the youngest son for years, but nothing could be proven or done, etc. They have kept in touch with this gal on a very superficial level, only because of disclosure policies, etc. They can’t even disucss my own son’s progress with me due to the non-disclosure policy for the adult student.
This woman will be calling me, tonight, to talk about her concerns, how my youngest is faring, etc. I don’t know what I’m comfortable in disclosing (if anything) because all previous disclosures have been met with disbelief and suspicion. The only people who seemed to “get it” about the older spath son was my youngest son’s school counselors. Even though they commiserate with my position, they can’t legally “do anything” to help, other than to provide information on how and where youngest son can “get help” if he feels that he is in need of help.
As I said – ANY suggestions, insight, and wisdom is greatly appreciated. Thank you all.
I would call Penny Norford in Charlottesville. The woman is a ROCK and she gets this stuff.
Getting help for your youngest sounds like the thing.
I was under the impression that child abuse, corporal punishment *is* child abuse, is a factor that can lead to sociopathic behavior in an adult. However, I can see how it could also lead to being susceptible to sociopaths, although I disagree with the Miller’s conclusion.
IMHO, the cause and effect relationship would not be denial, but “learning” that pain (either physical or emotional) is inflicted by a loved one. Thus, love becomes associated with pain or rejection.
While I was not subject to beating or any other parental abuse as a child, a series of “rejection” events from birth (I was adopted) to early adulthood left me associating love with rejection. These feelings were reinforced by hypervigilence to being different, i.e. adopted and gay.
Even though my adoptive parents were always open and supportive, no child wants to feel different. Since I possess the same ethnic mix as my parents (Irish/Russian), being adopted was easy for me to hide to friends; none knew I was adopted until late adolescence.
Equally important to my development was a continuous string friendship “rejections.” In early childhood, I was very close with the boy next door, then he moved to another state. I don’t remember my feelings but a couple years later my family moved and I found a new “best friend.” I was elated but soon his family moved and I remember being crushed. Later on in grade school, I found myself in a situation where upon graduation, I went to a private high school while my best friend went to a public one.
As I began aware of my sexuality in my early teens, I experienced a series of intense, short-term attractions to other boys I had met while on vacation with my family. I distinctly remember 4 instances, the last occurring in Montreal when I was 17. In each case, I remember being severely depressed for weeks after separating from my new “friend.” The Montreal experience was very profound, since by that age I was fully aware of the my sexuality and for the first time in my life I consciously pursued a boy because I was attracted to him.
In college, I fell in love with my best friend, a sexually confused guy. This relationship lasted 4 years until he decided he was “straight.” His rejection left me depressed for several years.
Finally, I need to add that at age 13, an older male cousin introduced me to sex. I was willing and eager, so I really can’t say I was molested. However, this older cousin, a sociopath, essentially “used” me sexually with little reciprocity and would publicly call me a “faggot” while privately getting me to service him sexually.
In essence, “Jamie” was my new best friend. While I thought he was attractive, he was not really my type and I did not have a strong sexual attraction to him. My feelings toward him moved slowly and I realize now that they actually grew as I experienced more of his quirky sociopathic behavior. At the time, I viewed this progress as “healthy” since things were moving slowly and steadily, not a rapid infatuation.
To this, I need to admit something publicly I have never told anyone, including my psychiatrist. Early in my relationship, when he was all about charm and availability, I remember telling myself “Jamie, do something to hurt my feelings so I know that I really care for you…”
Need I say more?
Dear Blue eyes,
You have turned the corner, it is no longer about THEM, it becomes about US—why we were vunerable.
I’m glad you were able to share and I think you may have hit a real break through there. Our parents don’t have to throw us out in the snow for us to feel rejected, and no one has to hit us with big sticks to break our hearts. Your insight sounts like you might definitely be on the right road, at least learning about YOURSELF is something you can change if you need, we can’t and they won’t change themselves. But we can make changes in oursleves if we understand and love ourselves. Good luck (((Hugs)))))
ps Blue eyes
That WAS ABUSE even though you concented at age 13 to the older boy, and what he did to you was not only illegal but horrible. But it was not your “fault” and you are not to”blame” HE IS.
Sounds like as parents ourselves, this is the one thing most important to have the next generation learn
This is what I learned, last night.
The life insurance settlement has been squandered by my spath son – told my youngest son that “…it never came…”
Spath is selling off vehicles and personal properties – in my opinion, he’s preparing to run.
Youngest son is living in constant terror and spends the majority of his time with another family willing to open their home to him.
Spath has “…many, many…” firearms in his residence.
And, there was more.
What does it take for someone in authority to Do Something before spaths slip a cog and take lives?
BUttons:
It takes them to actually BREAK the LAW in a big way, for them to take notice…..
THis was part of my concern last night…..
Police uphld the law……
Until it’s broken……there is nothing they will do.
I keep saying…..Oh, so your gonna wait until we are dead…and I have provided you the breadcrumbs to find him????
YES…..IT S TERRIFYING!!!!
Do you know spath sons ‘movements’?
If you cry BIG….like Oklahoma city bombing or Columbine type crys……we tend to be heard…..
But you gotta have a tidbit of something he might have said at one point…..for them to glob on……
and maybe keep an eye out…..
FBI might be an option???
ErinBrock – how are things at your house this morning erin. I am sorry i couldn’t’be here last night. I hope that some of the fear has subsided. I am online (at the library for about half an hour) if you wanna dish….
Buttons,
Is your younger son old enough to voice to the courts that he would prefer to live with you?
Or is his fathers behavior irrational/neglectful enough that you might say that it isn’t in the childs best interest to live there with him.
I don’t know the whole story….But it does seem like it would be in your younger sons best interest to not be in that situation.
If this is not possible, to get him with you…It is good that he has someplace else to go and at least get away. (the other family)