Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Dear Buttons,
I lost the train of thought somewhere along the line. I know the story but I gather the younger (socially slow kid) is moving in with you in 2 days?
With his problems as you have described them, his insight is probably as close to ZERO as it can get. And that being the case, I think a PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR for him AND you as well to help give you advice.
In ordinary circircumjstances just having ANYone new in your home is a GREAT STRESS, but one such as this is a BIG stress, so YOU WILL need some assistance, and to take care of YOURSELF and to set some nice but FIRM BOUNDARIES about how your son behaves.
You might sit down with him and give him a list of the HOUSE RULES. Like “Pick up your messes in the public rooms of the house” “help with the dishes monday, wendesday and Friday after dinner:” (household chorse I think should be a big part of his training as they are essential life skills) if he has an income (like a disability check) I would suggest a joint checking account (two signatures) and you show lhiim that he must pay some towasrd household expenses (help him write the check) some for buying things he needs and entietainment, and some for savings account. i.le. help him get a concept on managing money, “saving up” for a toy he wants, etc.
If he is capabhle of studying for a GED I would also work him on that, and keep him busy at something, or get him a job at a sheltered work shop. He doesn’t I think just need to lie around all day without activities or goals.
You and your husbhand take time for yourselves too!!!!!!!!!!! A MUST do! and God lbless you Buttons! (((((Hugs))))
OxD – thank you so much for your valuable suggestions. I will be seeking counseling for myself, and his counseling will have to be part of the contract for living here.
According to his school counselor, teachers, and others, he has begun to demonstrate more self-confidence in the months after he left his brother’s environment than he has duirng all of the time that these people have known him. So, there is hope.
And, he doesn’t have a clue as to what he has endured. I have to keep that in mind, always. I had the benefit of a reference: Buttons BEFORE spath; Buttons AFTER spath.
Thank you so much for your support. Brightest blessings.
…..and, {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} right back, OxD.
Buttons one of the things I focused on with my kids from an EARLY age was to help with household chores as part of family responsibilities (age appropriate) and not for “pay” or rewards. I taught my kids house hold tasks and it is easier to do them yourself than to teach a reluctant kid, but I think so many kids go out into the world not able to wash a load of clothes correctly, to balance a check book, plan financially, take care of an automobile (safely add oil, water, etc), change a flat tire, hammer a nail, or use a screwdriver, sew on a button, sew up a rip, iron a shirt, mop a floor, shop and cook a meal besides microwave, etc. Just your basic survival skills even in town. B y the time my kids were YOUNG teenagers they knew how to do all of the above and more too, they could butcher a beef and raise a garden, milk a goat or cow, and can and dry foods.
BTW teaching your kids these things can also be very good QUALITY time to spend with your child. Especially if you start in the pre-school era when they are so interested in doing big folks things.
Good luck Buttons, and be SURE AND TAKE CARE OF YOU IN THIS SITUATION WITH HIM LIVING THERE. (((((Hugs)))) and God bless your efforts!
Thank you, OxD. He has the heart of an artist and was often ridiculed for being “too sensitive.” Hopefully, he’ll learn by experience that not all human beings ridicule sensitivity.
{{{{{HUGS BACK}}}}}
An update on Mike proves that the guilt syndrome and control of spathy goes WAY beyond the here-and-now.
The topic of owning a vehicle came up and I suggested that Mike tell his brother that he needed to purchase a vehicle, once he’d gotten his license, had a steady job, and was ready to enter college. Mike bristled at the mention of the “inheritance” money and said that his brother was placed “in charge” of the settlement and that none of it would be available for another 3 years. He also said that he couldn’t possibly “ask” for any of this alleged settlement because he hasn’t maintained contact with his brother. My gentle response was that it had nothing to do with personal relationships – it was “business” and not to be construed as “personal” in nature. I also tried to explain to him that most financial investments will allow for a one-time withdrawal (AT LEAST) for major expenses, if not a reasonable access to the funds to pay tuition, etc. I didn’t tell Mike that I didn’t believe that the “Will” was bona fide and likely forged by his brother. I simply told him that it should be an option for him, in the future, to help pay for a vehicle. Mike spent a good bit of the day in a silent funk, and I felt badly for his discomfort, but not guilty as the source of it.
Later that day, Mike called his brother and learned that his brother and sister-in-law had both “deleted” their Facebook accounts for one reason or another without notifying Mike that the only other way to “communicate” would be via email or phone calls. Their conversation was brief with Mike attempting to earn points with his spath brother, to no avail. Spath brother wants Mike out of his life, forever, lest he become a bone in spath’s craw.
I (and, others) am convinced that the death settlement is entirely gone – spath brother has purchased a house and new car, even though he hasn’t held a job since 2006. NOBODY questions this because the spath brother maintains that he is a decorated combat veteran and is a “good Christian.”
I believe that Mike’s wheels are beginning to turn, now that he’s been physically separated from his spath brother and hasn’t had constant involvement with him. This is going to take some time, but I believe that Mike is going to “get it,” at some point.
Buttons:
I’ve been wondering how things are going with Mike at home. Just like our experiences…..the longer he’s ‘away’ from the spath…..the more he will see!
I see the spath knotching up his ‘game’ now Mikes with you……and every move spath makes….Mike will see it. He may go through the detox phase, where he will defend spath…..and make excuses…..but if you don’t push…..and plant SUBTLE seeds…..and encourage him by modeling NORMAL behaviors in a home……..It will catch up to Mike….and he’ll see it now from a safe distance……
Plus….as he figures out the inheritence is gone and he squandered it…….spath will unravel.
Mike will gain his self confidence, as time goes by, and he is able to be his own person and own thinkier…..
He’s been kept stiffled….and silenced….HE WILL GAIN HIS OWN VOICE.
As Mike comes to you to discuss spath…..I think you should keep it simple and allow HIS process to happen on it’s own. This is the hard part…..when they come to the realization of what you already know….it’s hard to continue to bite your tongue. But you have to. Allow Mike to Evolve.
It’s great the progress is starting…..a good direction indeed!
YEAH!
Thanks, EB. The brainwashing is difficult to witness, but I understand it, completely! Wasn’t I just as brainwashed by the ex spath? It’s also so sad to witness because nothing Mike will ever do will meet spath brother’s “approval,” ESPECIALLY because he’s living with me, now.
Keeping MY triggers in check has been a challenge, but I’m managing at this point. Mike’s agreed to individual counseling, which is wonderful. At least, that’s one step in the right direction with many more to follow.
The spath brother has taken religion on as a piece of his weaponry, as well. He’s quoting scriptures, and blah-blah-blah to prove what a “good Christian” he is.
Thanks for the encouragement, EB….I haven’t been on in a while, and I’ve missed the strength, here.
Brightest blessings!
Buttons,
Thank God, your son, Mike, is in a good place now where he can “evolve,” hopefully getting fully out from under his brother’s influence. I applaud you for providing a safe haven for your youngest son. Blessings to you and yours.
Bluejay, thank you for the encouragement and support.
The spath brother seems to be wanting to go no contact, but that’s to keep Mike wondering “what HE did” to anger his brother and to keep the discussion of finances moot.
When the dam breaks, it’s going to be a mess, I’m afraid.
Brightest blessings!