Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Buttons
OxD, and EB – thank you so much for the excellent suggestions and support.
Of course, it’s about money. Mike isn’t a vet or entitled to any Veteran’s benefits. The death settlement for spath father was from the Postal Service. I know that it’s gone, in my heart. Mike refuses to discuss it – I have a feeling that he suspects but is too emotionally fragile, just yet, to dig deeper and start asking questions.
Spath brother, however, is STILL receiving gov’t benefits by using his false documentation via Stole Valor. Ugh.
Mike DID have a productive day after yesterday’s meltdown. He filled out a number of applications and began bilding a website for a home-based business. That’s a big step for him, to date, and I told him that he’d done a great job, today.
Boundaries – must have BOUNDARIES!!! LOLOL
God love you both! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Ox Drover
Well, maybe you need to talk to the VA about some stolen valor, it may not be against the law to tell a lie about it, but it sure is to get BENEFITS from it. I think as a good and honest citizen it is your duty to keep the taxpayers of this country from being ripped off—and that is no joke, I do believe that. If you are aware of fraud, you should report it.
You also do onot have to give your name.
Buttons
OxD, that’s one of the things that has me so furious about what the spath son has done – THOSE FUNDS belong to the REAL combat Veterans who EARNED it, not some cowardly imposter! Those benefits are not his, and yet he’s reaping monetary rewards for his crimes! (grrrrr)
I’ve sent photocopies of every document and pictures of every piece of physical evidence that demonstrates the forgeries, including gov’t stamps, spath son’s handwritten “instructions” on how to make the forged documents appear more realistic, and “practice” signatures to sign documents. I even sent my last package to POW Network which passed it on to agency insiders – nothing. I’m talking about over 2 POUNDS of papers with the WRAMC diagnosis of Cluster B, documentation of the attempted murder of his then-pregnant-ex-wife, outrageous claims that never happened, etc. Nobody is interested. Not the VA, not the FBI, not any of the agencies I contacted – NOBODY. The only agency that had a slight interest was the Virginia Adult Social Services Dept. because Mike was receiving Survivors’ Benefits for a few months, and I didn’t even contact that agency! Another entity saw the evidence, was suspicious of abuse/violence by spath son, and filed a report with that agency. Of course, spath son made Mike believe that I had been the one to initiate the investigation, which he still believes to this day to be true.
And, if the physical evidence isn’t enough, there’s the “coincidental” evidence: Right after spath son was deemed ready to return to regular duty (after 2 years at WRAMC) to train and serve, he experienced a bizzare “accident” almost immediately before he was to be shipped off for training. Spath son claimed that he had been horseback riding and took a fall. The fall resulted in BOTH of his wrists being broken – broken well enough so that he claimed that he had sustained damage that wouldn’t allow him to “hold a weapon” properly. Kinda odd, eh? My personal belief is that he broke his own wrists, or had someone break them FOR him. Of course, I can’t “prove” any of this, but it sure seems convenient, particularly since spath son never demonstrated an interest in riding during his entire life even though he had ample opportunities to explore horsemanship.
The ex spath deliberately gained weight while in the Coast Guard so that he would be released under the Obesity Clause – the apple don’t fall far from the tree, does it?
“Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to decieve!”
Brightest blessings!
Buttons
Mike has made the decision to go back to Virginia. After vascillating as to whether or not he would be staying, the games grew VERY tiresome, so I demanded that he make a decision, today.
By now, he should be on the bus back to Virginia, and I wish him well. I’m waiting for the waterworks to start. I’m very sad that he’s left, but he’s going to realize that there is NOBODY to help him when he gets back to VA. The friends that he had been staying with for the last 6 months before coming here will not – will NOT – be able to open their home and their hearts to him, again. There will be nobody else for him to turn to except his spath brother.
Oh, well……my mother always said, “A good deed never goes unpunished.” LOL!!! What a sad state of affairs it is when such a negative statement is true.
To Mike I say, “Good luck.”
blueskies
Buttons. I hope you are okay.
Wini
Buttons, it always amazes me how much effort they put into their deceptions. If they can put effort into doing wrong, why on earth don’t they all just do what is right to begin with… get it over and done with and call it a day?
I’m beginning to think the Spaths have more energy than the average bear Boo Boo.
SMILE.
Buttons
Blueskies & Wini, thanks…..I’m sick over Mike’s decision, but it was his choice and he made it without considering anything. His friends back in VA were furious with him because they aren’t going to open their home to him, again. They did ENOUGH by seeing him through the last 6 months of high school so he would graduate, and the spath brother and spath-in-law aren’t going to tolerate him for long.
Strangely enough, Mike called me from the bus station and was saying that he was sorry that he hadn’t considered everything that we had done for him. He was saying that he felt that he’d made a mistake in his choice – I offered to go back and pick him up if he felt that he’d made a mistake, and he said, “It’s too late for that.” I said, “So, you’re on the road, then?” He said that he was still sitting in the bus station and that the bus had arrived late – they hadn’t left, yet. But, still, it was “too late” to alter his decision. So…….he’s going to have to live with his choices. He also said that, when he got squared away and on his feet, that he might come up for a visit. I replied, “I don’t anticipate that ever happening.”
I don’t know how or what to feel, right now. I know my heart is breaking, but it’s only because he threw away the opportunity to help himself with both hands. I miss him, very much – he is so humorous and companionable, but the games that he was playing had to stop, one way or the other.
Thank GOD a friend of mine had made plans to come visit from out-of-State for the weekend, or I don’t know if I would have managed this, so far. I’m weeping, even as I type, because ONCE AGAIN, I am grieving.
The spath ex dropped dead, but he still F*CKING LIVES ON. Why……..why can’t the spath ex just be dead and buried??? WHY does this sickness have to continue taking its toll? The damage just never seems to stop.
erin1972
Buttons-I am very very sorry that you are in pain. I hope you start to feel better soon. (((HUGS)))) Erin
Buttons
Thanks, Erin – this, too, shall pass. I have to take the responsibility of this heartache on myself, given everything that I know about the ex spath, spath brother, and Mike’s upbringing.
I just really, really, REALLY detest the process of grieving over the living – if that makes any sense, I’ll be amazed.
{{{Hugs back atcha}}}
Hopeforjoy
Buttons,
Dear, sweet, sweet soul. I am so sorry to hear about Mike making the choice to go back to VA. I can’t imagine the heartbreak you are feeling but I care and will say a little prayer for you tonight.
I’m starting to believe that the spaths are possessed by an evil spirit and their spirit continues to wreak havok even when they’re dead and buried. They try and steal our empathy and our soul. Like a vampire.
I hope your days get easier and your pain ebbs. You did what you could and those boundaries were healthy, you were doing the right thing.
Hugs,
Hope4joy