Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
bluejay
Buttons,
I just read about your son, Mike, returning to Virginia. How disappointing for you. I can relate to your feelings, that this disorder keeps on affecting us, taking “a toll.” My whole family life is in disarray, still struggling with all the chit that comes down the pike due to the h-spath. I detest this disorder – it’s a thorn in our side. I can say a prayer for Mike, hoping that he will be steered to “greener pastures,” where despite the odds, he can end up with a productive, happy life. Hugs to you.
erin1972
One of the articles that I read about malignant narcissism compared them to life sucking, emotional vampires. I believe that is true. My ex has finally been explained for what he is and I have no more questions.
hens
Buttons – I feel your dispair and grief, so sorry but give this time and you will adjust and heal. as for the spath’s yes they cast spells on us , it’s best to avoid them , sometime’s they can make eye contact with us for a split second and were hooked. Their are many ways to grieve for somebody and I think death is the kindest..I once took a Mike to the bus station, he called 8 hours later and went back and picked him up and brought him home like the lost boy he was..I would like to say I shouldnt of went back for him, but he was a lost soul, at least the last time he left he had somewhere to go….
one/joy_step_at_a_time
erin72 – do you have any good articles about n? or links? i want to give some to a friend and my list on my browser was wiped out when i had a virus a while ago.
erin1972
one_step–I don’t know them off the top of my head but I just did a bing search on malignant narcissism and read everything I found there. Can you do a search? If not, let me know and I’ll look them up and post them to you.
If anyone ever wants to know what my guy was like, all they have to do is read. I have no more questions about why he did what he did. The males usually have some kind of trauma in childhood and it’s usually related somehow to something involving their mothers and most of them actually hate women. They can’t deal at that age with the trauma so they develop a false self that they show to the world-it’s the same mask that socios wear. If you reveal or try to pull off that mask, they freak out and run/turn on you.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
will try bing – didn’t think to search for ‘malignant narcisism’. thanks.
erin1972
onestep-I will search and let you know which ones I read!
erin1972
One_step-I just made a huge post to you with a lot of info but it didn’t post. I don’t know why. I don’t have the energy to re do it but I will give you my favorite link.
http://samvak.tripod.com/
Sam Vaknin PhD wrote the book “Malignant Self Love-Narcissism Revisited”. I want to read this book SO bad. I am going to order it as soon as I get paid. Some of the links talk about the dangers of trying to break free from a malignant. They are dangerous. I can’t remember where I read it. It made me wonder if his wife was afraid, and that’s why she went back. It may have as much to do with that as it does with the $$$. It is danger to let them know that you pity them or they really flip out if you just act like they don’t exist. Ignoring them makes them flip out worse. That’s why I’m so relieved she took him back. The only way that I would ever have to worry about him again is if she left him. So I hope she stays with him forever-then I don’t have to deal with him.
Malignant Narcissism is a syndrome consisting of a combination of aspects of NPD, APD, and paranoid traits. There has to be a specific detailed and highly prepared plan for someone who tries to leave a malignant because they are so dangerous-like they could be killers.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
thanks erin – do you know that sam viknin is probably writing from personal experience; that he is an n?
erin1972
onestep-do you think that’s true? Do you know about him?