Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
If he hits you (leaving bruises, cuts, abrasions), that same day, get that day’s newspaper, hold it up to your face (or where ever he struck/injured you), and have a friend, same day, take a digital photo of you holding the newspaper,.. a photo that will also be date stamped the date it was taken. Keep it as proof of his abuse.
Zim
If he/she leaves bruises, cuts, abrasions -OR- is psychologically screwing with you…you mean…wish there was a gauge to measure that with!
Having a therapist listen to threatening phone calls they leave you or any other such dysfunction, always helps substantiate you. Just a thought. Have anyone listen. BUT:
Yes, keeping logs are very important.
If you just keep brushing it off like it’s nothing, you may sometime regret not having the logs to back you up so DO IT! Date, time, what was said/done…
BUT: if you keep putting yourself back into it without seeing the :::RED FLAGS::: which, in my case, are NOW flashing neon signs with fireworks going off in the background….if you keep making excuses for them and putting it aside thinking you are ‘helping’ them, you aren’t and you certainly aren’t helping yourself either.
If you are in an abusive situation, be that situation physical abuse and/or emotional/mental abuse, GET OUT and get to a place of refreshment and safety.
Contact your local authorities to report the situation with you and stay away from the trouble! It does NO GOOD to keep going back and going back…they are only abusive some more. Leopards don’t change their spots. Those spots stick with them their whole lives long. They only acquire NEW SPOTS TO GO ALONG WITH THE OLD ONES.
You know I am right ~ yes, I am talking to “YOU”…
If you need assistance, your local authorities can help you but you have to help them to help you. Sometimes you are in a situation where leaving is not so easy – once again, your local law enforcement can help you with the process. Ask for assistance because there are a lot of people in the world who DO understand and are ready and willing to assist you.
The only way we can make it through this is by keeping care and watch on ourselves. That includes eating right; sleeping right; grabbing a hold of the here and now and living it and accepting our situations for what they truly are. Sometimes that takes a whole lot of honesty with yourself and sometimes that’s not so easy to face – our hearts break and melt – but the truths are the truths and the sooner we recognize and accept THAT, and those truths, a whole new door opens…
It has taken me such a very long time to ‘accept’ what this is, that has happened to me. And, I do accept a lot of responsibility because I was unaware. NOW, I am aware. The encounter off NC was brief (a week) but enough time for me to resolve the truths, inside myself and that is why I did it. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life not knowing FOR SURE.
I said to “IT”: “Please forgive me for my lack of understanding. Somehow, I will always miss you. Good Bye.”
For me, the journey, I think is over.
At least inside of myself. I still have a lot of the ‘conditioning habits’ to break from my long capture…..New resolutions and virtues and new morals have taken over and now guide me. It has, at once, this experience, left me missing something but yet, gaining something else. Just another ‘tide’ of life we have to ride. I want what’s left to mean something and that is why I went back. How I can I ask someone else to do something I am not prepared to do myself? But with psychopaths, that always goes unrecognized. Always. Our sacrifices are nothing to them.
Take care everyone ~ have a great day…
Don’t forget your worth and your value.
Dupey
thankyou so much for this site, I am struggling so terribly with this, but its so nice to see all of the posts an realise its not me, …..but doesnt make it easier, I am still in contact with this spath, trying so hard not to be, but as soon as I am doing ok, becoming me again, he comes back nice an sweet (acts normal) then sucks me back in, then uses contact of one or two of his past women to upset me so I get defensive, feel hurt an sad, …I guess I use to think he missed me, but after reading the posts here, he doesnt miss me, he just misses having someone to control. I love this man, but I dont know how to survive this an get out. I had it all b4 I met him, but now am left alone in a strange town, no friends, no family, no job or money, I think he is doing an exceptional job just keeping me where I need him an its so hard. I apologise for sounding so desperate, but I am. I dont want to end up crazy an mentally unstable, I use to be so strong an independent but now I am going insane. I am scared I will never be free an have no idea how to start. I want to walk, but the more steps I take forward I take 3 times as many bavck to him. He is obviously so good at what he does, I have watched other women also struggle to leave him, even when we all knew or suspected each other. Please help..
charlie,
you are trauma bonded. This kind of bond is almost impossible to break on your own. You need help and you need knowledge. Start reading books on the trauma bond. google it, research it. Then go to your DV center and see if they have groups you can join for victims of domestic abuse. You shouldn’t have to be alone in this.
thankyou skylar,
Thankyou so much, as silly as it sounds was nice to know that someone has replied an knows how hard it is. I am reading as much as I can, but a support group would be great. But I still cant stop feeling like I will be letting him down, I know that sounds insane, but he allways goes on about how all bitches have f,,,,ed him over an I will walk away just like the rest. For some stupid reason I wanted to stick by him through the crap an prove I was better than them, but I should know better. He still playing games with his soon to be ex wife, an has just contacted a not so nice woman that he flaunted around infront of his wife(when they were still together) just to hurt her an let her know she could loose him. He knows how I feel about this lady(she is also of the same mould as him, stalked him for a long time) but he still did it an lied to me about it. I feel stupid cause I just want thim to say his sorry an get rid of her an choose me. Which I am sure he wont, but he will most probably convince me he has. He calls me evryday, but says I am not his, I am free..bla bla, but if I dont answer he is not nice, but then will drive an hour to check if I am ok. what the??? i am realising that I am truly out of my depth, why do I feel like I am letting him down? he is also very ill medically recently an is using that. I am a little scared of what could happen if I do manage to leave?
000charlie000,
Welcome. I’m very sorry for the reasons why you ended up here, but it’s the first step towards freedom and healing.
At present you wonder why you feel so bad… the answer lies in the hook he lured you in: “all other women failed him” and you took up the cudgel and decided (because of manipulation) not to fail him. He’s using the pride you take in being loyal. You regard it as a value, and he used it as a weapon against you.
The promise you made to yourself back then (to be loyal) was based on false information. It’s as if you signed a contract with someone (in your heart and mind) but the other signee never kept up his part of the bargain, worse that someone didn’t even exist. The contract thereby is null and void. You were duped into. And if you consider how he treated you, his ex-wife and other women is it any surprise that they left? Were they wrong to leave him? Also, how many of these women has he “fucked over”?
You need to find support, and go NC with him… because he’s working you on your pity feelings, on your values, and guilt. Meanwhile, he has NO PITY for you, NO values, and NO guilt.
charlie,
it’s not silly at all. This is how we all felt when we first got here. It’s a relief that someone understands.
The first thing to remember is that these people lie ALL THE TIME. They don’t open their mouths without lying or deceiving. It’s so hard to wrap your head around that but it’s a fact and if you can remember it, then you’ll know that the truth is exactly the opposite of what he tells you.
He hates you, utterly. And he wants to hurt you. In order to do that he must control you. In order to control you he has to get a hook into your emotions. As you can see, it works quite well, doesn’t it?
Don’t let him have any emotions from you. Take them back.
They are wasted on him because the “man” he presents to you DOES NOT EXIST. You are giving a cartoon character your emotions.
Read the article on gray rock if you need to understand how to hide your emotions.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Hi Charlie,
I stopped reading at “all these bitches want to f^^k him over. Yeah, I bet they do!
Get away from him, any way you can! Don’t feel sorry, judgemental, pity..JUST leave.
I really hope you do.
Charlie,
I’m day 22 NC and it hasn’t been easy at all. I can tell you for the first time in a long time, I’m more rested and taking better care of myself. I was just like you in the sense that if he called, I answered! That was it. And, I can relate to when you said he gets angry if you don’t answer. Yet, there were times my Spath would purposely turn off his phone, purposely not answer my calls, and go to bed without answering my calls at all. How hurtful is that?! The thing is..they don’t play fair. And, my hook is much like your hook..when we first met he said to me “your the only person that has stayed by my side and seen something good in me”. And, from that moment that’s exactly what I did. I stayed by his side through his lies (and, it was all lies), violent temper, etc. Just like Darwinsmom said, our hearts signed a contract to be loyal. But, we have to let them go because they are not honoring the contract. I understand your statement about letting ‘him down’. I feel that too. But, haven’t they let us down? Do you want to go through life wondering IF he loves you? Or, do you want to find someone capable of showing you on a daily basis? I couldn’t wonder anymore, so NC 22 days.
Keep your chin up.
libra girl 72,
oh my god, I think our stories are so similar, he also turns his phone off or makes himself unavailable an if I leave a message or call to much, even if I am genuinley concerned if his ok, I am called stalker an alot of other things I best not mention. Wow 22 days NC, well done.