Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Today is the day before Christmas eve. It is the first christmas I have been alone in my life and I really felt low today. I broke the NC rule and I do regret that I did. And yet, I am glad also because I now KNOW without a doubt that I am dealing with someone who is as emotionally blind as I am. I find that the xspath is VERY angry with me because of the fact that I now SEE what he is. He is vicious and makes me think of a viper. A deadly and highly poisonous thing. He lashes out at me with a blindness and viciousness that is so far from who he pretended to be that I find myself kind of standing with my mouth open in astonishment. I know now what his truth is and I needed to know, so that I can start my life over. He texted a response to my reaching out to him, “It is over. I have moved on”. We were together 3 weeks ago. I start therapy on Thursday. I need it. Someone in here said that the first step is acceptance. This is very, very true.
Revelation, big hugs of comfort and understading to you.
The only “good” that can come from breaking NC is the opportunity to learn the ugly truth about spaths. That’s not to say that it isn’t one hell of a painful lesson, but that one chapter is either destined to be accepted or repeated – once the truth is exposed, it’s then a choice as to whether I accept that lesson or repeat it.
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling low. Write it down using paper and a writing instrument, seriously. For me, the physical act of putting my feelings on paper actually connected me with the words that I wrote – they became a part of my experience. And, yes….being “alone” for the first time during a major Holiday can feel very empty. It’s a hard and cruel experience, but it can be a catalyst to recovery in that I don’t EVER want to feel this way, again, and relying upon another person to provide a toxic “togetherness” will never be an option for me to tolerate, again.
Good for you starting your counseling. I will offer one gentle suggestion that you not refer to ANYONE as a “sociopath” while you are in sessions. This isn’t about defining THEM, and this often puts counselors off, for whatever reason. And, I honestly don’t know why this is true, but it is.
Best and brightest blessings to you
Truthy,
Let me add one thing about talking about sociiopaths in therapy, if I May. I suggest that she find a counselor who GETS IT and is not afraid to use the word. That may take some time actually and some searching.
If a counselor doesn’t get the “word and concept” of sociopath, they may not be able to get the concept that a break up with a sociopath is more than just A “bad break up” and not be able to give the kind of knowledge and support a victim of a sociopath needs.
Right now though, I would say just to start, that any counselor is probably a help, but for the LONG HAUL, I think it takes a counselor who gets it about Spaths.
OxD, yes……absolutely!
At some point, it becomes kinda clear if the counselor “gets it,” or not. And, oddly enough, I’ve discovered that one that DOES “get it” will actually drop the “S” word, first! 😀
Brightest blessings
Truthy, yes, that is true with therapists who do get it. Sometimes it is difficult to find one that does though, but when you do, it is worth it.
Yeah, I went to counseling and it didn’t help because the counselor didn’t “get it.” He was a good counselor…just not for me. I quit after six sessions and a lot of money. I guess I need to find one who “gets it.”
Revelation:
I also found that breaking No Contact is sometimes the BEST thing we can do because it FINALLY reveals the truth to us…they don’t want us. They used us and moved on…just like yours said. I know it hurts…I have been there. I don’t know what’s worse though…one who tells you he moved on OR one who won’t say anything! I think the ones who don’t say anything are actually more cruel because they are not giving closure. It’s awful. I realize how much it hurts for someone to tell you it’s over and they have moved on, but it’s a blessing…now you know it’s the end and YOU can also move on. When someone doesn’t give that, it leaves the door open. Even though I KNOW in my mind it’s over for me, by him not telling me that, it keeps just a glimmer of hope when I know there is no hope. I know that, BUT that’s what their mind games do to a person’s mind. So be THANKFUL he told you that even though it hurts like hell! Mine is a COWARD because he could not tell me that. That is all he had to do is text exactly what yours texted to you, but he WON’T. COWARD!
Come back here for support. HUGS to you and have a Merry Christmas!
Revelation
As weird as it sounds, my spaths cruelty was a gift to me. So much was done covertly that I doubted myself. I thought I was “borrowing trouble” when I questioned the meaning of his comments, or questioned my intuition. I thought I was OFF my rocker for thinking that he’d actually harm me based on a FEELING I had about his body language.
Acceptance is one of the first steps and esp valuable b/c it stops the COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. Cruelty from an spath means NO COG DIS for once. There’s NO mistaking, no holding two opposing, conflicting feelings. Yes, his cruelty is a GIFT, make no mistake about it, although it doesn’t feel like it at the time.
I did NOT want to believe it. And if that’s you too, that’s OKAY. What I did was ADMIT I didn’t want to believe it. I DO NOT tell myself NOT to believe it. I ONLY admitted that I wished, I preferred to be wrong. BUT… that I was not. It’s a half step that got me over the hump, and over the holidays.
Louise
I am a HUGE advocate for a counselor. Mine zeroed in on my confusion and helped me enormously. If a counselor does not FIT the problem I have, then they are working without the tools for my special needs. The wrong tools NEVER builds a strong base. So, I am in agreement that if a counselor can’t call an spath an spath, then they are dancing around the very tool necessary to fix the problem. You don’t have to have a counselling session to assess whether they are willing to ID the SOB. Be upfront. “I need to resolve life with a sociopath”. It’s your money. No wasting! (can ya tell I was scottish in a past life??!! 🙂 )
KatyDid:
Thank you. I know I need to find a good counselor. It’s something I need to do in 2013, but I am not going to waste my money. I already did that! It was frustrating.
Scottish? I love it!! 🙂
Hello Everyone,
Just wanted to thank everyone for all of the support. I need it for sure. This is a tough Christmas for me but I am so grateful that it is centered on the truth for once. I’ve been living a lie for 12 years! I guess I am lucky because for the most part I ignored his behaviors and was oblivious to what was happening. I am glad of that because I see now just how twisted his thinking really is. I am also appreciating that he actually could become dangerous so I want to remove myself from any possibility of him going “postal” on me. His anger has never been released and I sure don’t want him to “express” it on me! I’d rather be lonely this christmas than dead. It was painful when he said “It is over. I have moved on”. But, it was liberating too. I have never felt strong about standing up for myself but I am finding that I have really pissed my xspath off by not falling back into his trap this time when he tried to weasel his way back in. I feel lighter today, clearer after the encounter with him yesterday. I understand now that he truly despises me. It must have been hard for him all of these years because I kept going to school until I got my masters degree. I even got my current job because he did some handyman work for my boss and recommended me to her. It turned out to be a telecommuter position with great benefits. He was never able to work full-time during our relationship because well, it was always somebody else’s fault. I kept him on my hospitalization insurance during this past year following our divorce. After he decided to “move on” I told him to pay me the $200.00 a month or it would be gone. He asked me to continue to keep him on it while having major dental work done and beyond since it is so hard to get insurance on your own at 67 years of age. With his last comment of “It is over. I have moved on” I replied, “Please do not deposit the $200.00 re: medical/vision/dental. The policy has been terminated. It is over. I have moved on”. God help me but that felt great!!