Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Oxy:
Yep, me, too. NO MORE LYING. I will not tolerate it.
I am making it through this first Christmas alone! It has lonely spots but I am getting thru it. NC is not a problem either because I don’t WANT to talk to him. He always brings people down. That was another problem during the relationship. I can remember that I often questioned his character, the kind of person he seemed to be. He was often snarly and whiny but of course, he explained it away. He is finally showing his true colors in his anger. He couldn’t lie his way back in and he is really pissed! He got caught and that is the reason for his rage. What a sickie! I don’t know if I feel sorry for him or not. I think he has a choice. To either let the sickness rule him or choose to be healthy. Is it a choice? Now this other lady is ruling over him since he had her buy him a truck. She is a “fatal attraction” type and he is stuck. It is truly poetic justice.
Revelation:
Merry Xmas – it’s good to hear you’re managing today as I realize it can be difficult!
My therapist who I’ve been seeing for only two weeks now and have been split from the spath a little over three weeks. I admit I miss the jerk but by no means feel a need to reach out to him. I didn’t even know what my ex was until my therapist pointed it out. I have her the details and she said “I believe you’ve been dealing with a sociopath.” At that moment my jaw dropped and after that session I went home to start reading up on sociopaths …. I needed to gain as much knowledge as I could about them. What I read about completely astonished me.
Anyhow I won’t go on & on but wanted to let you know that though you made contact, it added to what I think you already knew about him but couldn’t yet accept it… And now you have that piece you needed to finally accept that this guy is garbage and you deserve a hell of a lot better than garbage and even so I think “garbage” is giving the spath more credit that he deserves….
Revelation, glad you are making in through this holiday season. You know, you have a wonderful present…you have a P-FREE CHRISTMAS. And that’s worth a LOT. MY son D is visitiing with his biological family and I’m here “alone” but NOT ‘Lonely” Alone is a fact. Lonely is a CHOICE.
You will heal and grow, he will not grow, just continue to ROT.
louise, oxy
I think lies are the identifiable trait of spaths.
Its the easiest thing to detect externally.
Would YOU be able to lie? No. You would feel bad, so you wouldn’t do it.
A liar has no empathy.
And no empathy, or, no conscience, is the hallmark trait of a spath.
so me thinks all liars are spaths.
athena
I don’t feel real sure about the comment posted earlier about how men really appreciate and respect a woman who is strong and sets her boundaries. It was said that this would be a way to determine whether or not you were dealing with a sociopath or not. I don’t see this at all. My xspath was very verbally supportive of my strength. I was a single parent. Both of my children have masters degrees and have married well to men who do not exhibit any kind of sociopathic traits so far. My xspath, at our wedding even spoke his own words at the ceremony in front of all of my friends and family of how he respected me and honored what I had achieved as a person and as the mother of my children. He even said that he was a better man because of being with me. I think this is emotional rape and I don’t think there is any one way to tell if you’ve got a sociopath or not. The proof is in the pudding. I don’t know of too many women who could have resisted somebody speaking those kind of words in front of the world. I think this is a monster of a kind that words cannot describe.
Revelation,
you are right that it isn’t always easy to pinpoint the spaths. They MIRROR us. They will do or say or become whatever will draw us in. This is the nature of the predator.
As a kid, I knew there were guys who “just want sex” and I was prepared for guys who pretended to care about me, just for sex. I could deal with that. My spath, however, was not that way. Yes, he was constantly fondling me during the early years, but when I complained that he was “only using me for sex”, he said, “I’ll prove to you that it’s not true. I’ll go for a year without sex with you.” The key words here are “with you.” Spaths also want your money, but not ALL spaths take your money, some of them give money. In the end, spaths can be defined by what they all do: they deceive and they rape our souls. They are all parasites but different spaths feed in different ways. In the end, they just want to see our demise.
There were times when I did set boundaries with my spath. He would acquiesce, it seemed. Except that he would just up the covert attacks: more poison in my food, more sabotage to my cars, more slander in the neighborhood. And I was oblivious to it.
After I left him, I started talking to his friends. I learned that whenever he got a traffic ticket, spath’s response was, “I’ll just sell more drugs, to pay for this.” This is the spath motto: Never submit.
I think that the red flags are very basic: lies, emotional immaturity, refusal to accept responsibility, oppositional defiance to any authority. These can take many forms and disguises. We have to learn to discern them in all the interactions.
I know I rambled a bit there. I hope it made some sense.
Thanks for the comments Skylar. You are crystal clear. I am also seeing that the xspath really is very aware of these toxic behaviors. This is the way he is. He doesn’t seek to change because this is as natural as breathing for him. I understand the secretivieness better too. He had to keep this stuff secret from his horrible mother who was also mentally ill and evil. Lots of conditional love issues with her and passive aggressive behaviors also. My xspath used to tell me stories of her and how he would never know if she was angry about anything when he was out of line or didn’t come home on time. Everything was quiet and he felt the disapproval but was never approached directly. He said this caused him to feel rage that he could not express, just “suck it up” were his words. He also says his father was gentle and passive and never intervened. This is classic textbook sociopathic stuff. My xspath also portrays himself to be gentle and “not angry” at all and yet his behaviors show nothing but anger. It is deep and it is vicious. Sometimes I feel like my skin has been ripped off. I am so glad to be on the other side of him in my life. I feel the peace that comes with the elimination of chaos in my life. I also, in this peaceful and silent place, find that I am thinking more clearly and seeing what my reality with him truly was. I never really looked very closely at all. My ego told me that I had finally found someone who could see that I was quite a desirable catch. What woman doesn’t want to think that? I had one tearful moment today but that passed and I gotta say that this has been a nice, quiet but blessed Christmas day. No feeling that phoniness that he always made me feel. No feeling like I was under a microscope. He always was looking at me trying to gauge how I was feeling. Made me feel like a bug.
Hello Everyone,
I made it to my first counseling appointment. I had to go to the bathroom 4 times before I could finally commit to going in that office. I actually didn’t the like the counselor. I will give him one more shot and if it doesn’t feel ok I am going to ask for a woman. Nothing against men mind you but he started a guilt trip by a his reaction to my answer to his first question, “Where did you meet your husband?” My answer: “online”. Then came the big grimace like, “what did you expect?” I didn’t feel like I had his compassion at all. Then further into the session stuff like “it will be ok, you will survive this, what will you do to make sure this never happens to you again besides not ever getting married again. Then he is asking me all of the questions that I have already answered on his 5-page assessment sheet. I told him that too. I also at one point said, “You know what? I don’t feel like you like me and I don’t think I like you either” and I started to get up to leave. The ONLY thing that kept me there was that he did finally say the word “sociopath” in reference to my xspath. I never mentioned the word as advised in a blog on here somewhere. So, I will give it another shot. I am very emotionally labile and tearful right now so they plan to put me on some antidepressants next week. I am also going to ask for a medical leave of absence for a time out. The counselor also turned me off because he comes with this comment about how he isn’t going to make any judgement statements against my xspath because he doesn’t know him. He made me feel like this was all my fault even after I acknowledged that I was responsible for not sticking to my guns (after 8 years mind you) and marrying this slob against my instincts. Then when I said I had been married 2 other times before this he said, “You’ve got some work to do”. As I write it here I am actually getting even more pissed off. I don’t think this is the counselor for me. Please advise me LF. Oh and after he learned I had a masters degree he kept asking which university I had attended. He seemed more upset that I had his same qualifications. I don’t know if this is the way to go for me at all.
Revelation,
I’m sorry to hear that your counseling session was a disappointment.First of all,I agree that I’m more comfortable talking to a woman.I would probably shut up with a male therapist.Second,I receive my counseling at a center for abused women (and men).They are more empathetic there.They want to help you.They’re not in it for the money they can make.