Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
I did not know about Lovefraud at the time of this post, which is the same time I was experiencing all my drama — to bad.
Even before I knew about Lovefraud, or even that much about Sociopaths, I was convinced my x-spath suffered emotional and physical abuse as a child — perhaps even sexual abuse.
One reason is that I once saw him disassociate when I was having an argument with a taxi driver.
Another reason is due to his taste in porn, which is violent and degrading, as well as depicting unsafe bareback sex.
While one might first think that those who suffered childhood abuse would be turned off by depictions of violent and degrading sex, apparently the opposite is true.
REvelation, I agree with Blossom, go with YOUR GUT…this guy doesn’t sound like he is empathetic at all.
The last thing you need is a counselor who is lacking in empathy and/or is judgmental. Yea, call a DV shelter and get a referral to another counselor.
Revelation,
wow, sorry that is going on with your counselor. It really depends on what you are looking for and what stage you are at. This guy sounds like he KNOWS a lot, but he doesn’t have the empathy you might need to heal.
So, what to do? I’m not sure. I’m at the stage where I KNOW a lot too, but I’m not healing like I had hoped. Knowledge is good for protection but maybe healing is better.
Revelation
Ditch the therapist! He sounds like a douchebag! Therapist are supposed to make you feel better, not worse. he sounds like he knows what hes talking about, but has no empathy what so ever! I would say that in my opinion you should try as hard as you can to NOT go onto antidepressants. I don’t think they help and in fact I think they tend to make things worse. You need to FEEL these emotions, it is a part of your healing process. Antidepressants suppress those feelings and just make you feel like the walking dead. I know it is hard, but I definitely think you should try your best to stay off them. Meditate or do yoga and exercise to help yourself heal, you’ll be much better off in the long run.
BBE
Did this person say he was abused or is that just your opinion?
Psychopaths lie to get your sympathy, I highly doubt he was abused he is just a psychopath.
Revelation, I am very sorry to read of your situation – I have been in the same type of situation with the first abusive exspath. I was verbally, physically, sexually, financially, spiritually, and emotionally abused and I was TERRIFIED of leaving and even MORE terrified of telling anyone about what I was endurig on a daily basis. It was a core of SHAME that kept me tied to that man: shame for having chosen an abuser as a spouse; shame for not having the backbone to leave; shame for having produced 2 children with him and seeing them used as pawns.
Sure, there’s a basis of fear that victims of abuse (of ANY kind) experience because our self-esteem, self-worth, and every other HEALTHY “Self-ism” has been systematically deconstructed by a very bad person. “But, he’s the father of my children, and I don’t want my sons seeing their father taken off in handcuffs!” Oh, my…..how the cog/diss was rampant! But, the fear of the “unknown” was more powerful than the fear of awakening each day and knowing, full well, that I was probably going to be threatened with suicide, murder, or be raped by my husband. I already KNEW what to expect with him, but I had no way to predict what would happen if I dared to leave. Stockholm Syndrome (poorly named) is when an ABSENCE OF ABUSE is perceived as an ACT OF KINDNESS. One day, I might have experienced attention, and that simple acknowledgement that I existed was perceived as an act of remorse and kindness for the previous night’s sexual assault.
I would strongly, strongly encourage you to contact your local domestic violence hotline and learn what resources are available in your area. The people who answer the phones are not going to judge you – most of them are in recovery and volunteering their time because THEY made their own calls. These volunteers will put you in touch with help: counselors that “GET IT,” legal representation, housing, food, and every kind of assistance that you could possibly need to escape. If you are in fear for your life, or the lives of your children, you will also have options for legal protection available.
You already “know” that you are in a very, very dangerous environment. You know this, academically, but your fears of the unknown and of HIS retribution are preventing you from disconnecting from him. Trauma-bond isn’t just a term. It’s a CONDITION that can be overcome. But, it can only be overcome when you accept the nasty, hard, cold truth that he will never, ever, ever “get better,” keep his promises to “change,” or stop abusing you. He abuses you because he can. That’s all. And, no abuser “loves” their victim. They only love watching their victims cower in the corner and dissolve into a terrified mess. That’s the only thing that they love. They do not love their children. Their children are merely tools to inflict damage and to receive damage. That’s it.
Make no mistake, Revelation. Victims of domestic violence and/or abuse are in actual danger of an untimely demise. Either they are killed by their abusers, outright, or they are killed, by proxy, because the human organism cannot tolerate constant violence or abuse – they just can’t.
Visit the following website to learn what your options are in your locality: http://www.ndvh.org You are the ONLY “Revelation” in this vast Universe. Nobody can take your place and you are unique. You are priceless and a value. Please, don’t allow fear and shame to determine whether you’ll survive, or not.
Brightest, brightest blessings to you
Revelation, I’m sorry for the previous post – I was under the assumption that you were still with the spath. I’m GLAD that you’re out!
Contact the DV hotline, anyway, for a list of counselors that “GET IT.” Honestly, when the exspath left, I knew that I was in dire need of counseling and that was the first number that I called. I am grateful that I did because the intake volunteer gave me several names of counselors that were familiar with abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, PSTD, and sociopathy.
Best wishes to you and brightest blessings
Never_again, not all spaths were abused, that’s a fact. Some spaths are simply born as bad seeds. But, in the cases of nearly all of the spath encounters that I’ve had, there was SOME type of abuse or dysfunction within the family.
The first AND second exspaths were both raised in evironments of abuse. The first exspath was a violent abuser and continued the cycle with me. The second exspath was raised in an environment of enabling, belittling, dismissal, disapproval, and very cruel criticism. And….both exspaths were covetous of money, status, and the trappings of wealth.
The female spath who served time for “Theft By Deception” was raised in a very critical eviroment and is utterly soul-less. Her brother is also quite a piece of work and receives SSI and has never worked a day in his life.
The point I’m trying to make is that I believe that a person who might be predisposed to spathy is more likely to develop into a full-blown sociopath if they are raised in a dysfunctional and abusive environment. I was raised in a dysfunctioal environment, as were most people that I’ve met during my lifetime, but I didn’t swing into the realm of spathy.
But, what I have noticed amongst most of the spaths that I’ve encountered is that they ALL described abusive childhoods (or, being neglected) at the outset – sort of a PRE-existing excuse for their abiding hatred of one or both of their parents, siblings, extended family members, and laying the groundwork to excuse their future behaviors and actions. That’s just what I’ve noticed.
Brightest blessings
Truth
Yes I agree. While some of them may have had abuse, most of them just spill out lies to gain sympathy from us. If its not bad childhoods its bad relationships. Sorry but I don’t believe either of those things give you permission to treat people like shit for the rest of your life, psychopath or not. They are YOUR problems, deal with them and don’t punish everyone else for other people’s mistakes!
While I do think upbringing and economics has a little bit to do with how the psychopath ends up ie a criminal or a socialised psychopath, they are all the same, some just adapt better into their version of society. They are still all scum no matter where they end up. Murdering someone’s soul is just as bad if not worse than actually killing someone as far as I am concerned.
Never again, As a medical professional, I would encourage you to NOT try to discourage some from taking medication prescribed by their physician. Lumping all “antidepressants” into one category as unhelpful, even though that may have been YOUR personal experience with one or more antidepressants, I think can be counter productive for the patient.
Not all particular antidepressants are appropriate for all patients, and a physician or APN nurse or PA must prescribe the medication and then continue to follow up on the results.
There are some very good antidepressants now and some good ones for PTSD as well, with very few side effects. Just knowing which one is right for which patient is something that may take a bit of trial and error, but more times than not, it works.
Antidepressants ALONE are generally not as successful as ADs with THERAPY as well, but together they are more successful than not.
I too encourage this woman to go with her GUT and seek a counselor who has more caring and empathy and less judgmental arrogance. He sounds like a know it all jerk. AT BEST!