Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Revelation,
Don’t be too hard on yourself!He’s the one with real problems!Just work on healing and feeling better about yourself!
Revelation, STOP THE SAME GAME GIRLFRIEND, it’s b een a long time since I got my cyber cast iron skillet out and boinked any one on the head but I will if you keep hitting yourself and beating yourself up. (For those newbies around here the “skillet” is a long running joke from the past for when people beat themselves up unproductively, I “boink” them over the head with the skillet….LOL) So you stop it girl, you have been warned! (PS I pass out ice packs afterward!) Hugs
Revelation,
how is there shame in being innocent? No, I take pride in my innocence which made me vulnerable. I didn’t recognize the evil because it wasn’t in me, it was foreign to me, as it was in you.
You are beautiful because of your innocence and THAT is why he targeted you. envy of your beautiful innocence. That’s a fact.
Revelation,
I agree with skylar,there’s no shame in innocence.You were CAUGHT in the situation;you didn’t deliberately CHOOSE to put yourself there!It’s hard for me to cope with the fact that I gave nearly 23 yrs to my spath! (a little math: add the 5 yrs we were separated the 1st time and you’ll come up with 28 yrs-Feb would have been our 28th aniv)
Just a visual that I’m reminded of whenever we discuss the evil personality of our spaths:anybody remember the snake in the animated “Jungle Book”?!How it slithered and coiled itself thru the tree and with it’s eyes becoming hypnotic,repeated “Trust Me,Trust Me!”
I am new to commenting on forums, and found this site. It is amazing! Not sure if I am even in the right spot to post this, even. This site has helped me so much. I have sat here tonight in tears, reading people’s stories and recognizing my own self in them, and that of my experiences. Here I thought I was alone in dealing with a Sociopath/Narcissist (I have learned to spell that word correctly now—can do it in my sleep—the jokes about narcissism that I have gotten have truly made me laugh!). My story is a very long one. I am not going to post it here, because I am just tired of dealing with this man, and trying to salvage my reputation, in justifying myself and how he has portrayed me, after fleecing me for lots and lots of money. Sometimes I type it all out in my own personal journals, which kind of helps me work it all out. Sometimes :). I have never been so wounded in my whole life. Not sure how to move on from this. It has been two months now, even longer when I realized this man had been lying and cheating me. I flit between wanting revenge on this man, exposing him, yet dealing with the heartbreak too. I keep coming back to thinking, “he means well and seems genuine, and I feel sorry for him”. (Yes I am an idiot for thinking that, still). I want my life back…I struggle with trying to convince people that he is a liar. He is pretty good. I get tired of telling people “he lies” and trying to prove it. He presents well and everyone likes him. He accuses me of “slander” then and threatens me to “sue me”. Who has that kind of money?
I struggle with this alone most times, because he has done such a good job of destroying me. Any weakness I expressed to him over the years I knew and trusted him, he has played on. He has now moved onto other women, whom he is looking to help support him, and it drives me nuts that he walks away, yet again to con someone else. I am at the stage where I still blame myself…It was something in me, that failed this relationship—I recognize that HE made me feel that way…I have faults—we all do—He apparently doesn’t. I want to move on with my life, and although it has only been a couple of months, I want to be my happy, self again. I cannot…I cry on a dime, and at the worst times…I do not want to be a victim all of my life. He posted an article on my computer about “some people who go through life claiming to be victims and how one should leave them”, justifying himself to me, and he probably forwarded this on to others, that he posted this…Yet he claims to everyone that HE is a victim…STILL. I want some sort of justice. I posted on my FB last July, when I realized all of his lies, that I was out X amount of dollars, and kept getting deer in the headlights looks when he was confronted. I never named him… (Interesting how he recognized himself in the post lol) .He has accused me of a slander campaign and is taking it, and threatening to sue me with it. Those who knew him in his “past life” get it…This man has moved on….So easily…It just kills me that he has, knowing what he has taken from me and my family. These men keep walking, and doing it over and over again—and getting away with it, because no one has the money to expose them!
I read of some of the “recovery” stories on here, and am just not there yet. I want to move on with my life and want a healthy relationship, and YES a relationship! I do not want to bring my wounds into the next one. I want to trust again, and love. Do I just write him off and try to go on, or do I keep wallowing in this anger…I WANT to meet someone genuine and honest, but feel I will sabotage any relationship I have from here on in from what this man has done to me…Do I sit here in anger, and how long will it last? I want my innocence back, where I can love unconditionally and trust in that. I want to walk away from all of this and move on…Thought I had…I am very bitter and angry…Is this something I need to feel and move on from? No matter how hard? Is this just a process in the grief journey? He “claims” I have lots of boyfriends. I have no one who gets it. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!
Well, I apologize for the length of this…Venting is important…I need some tools right now in coping. I HAVE ignored his few emails to me, which probably drives him nuts…lol…Justice served, maybe???? lol Now I am laughing again…Thanks for this wonderful site!!!
FLEECED!!!!!!!
This is the single best post I’ve ever read on this site. That’s what I think right now.
You’ve expressed the experience of the spath so completely.
PLEASE submit this to Donna as an article.
There is too much to respond to, for me to help you but I can say one thing: 2 months is not long enough to heal from this trauma. I’m so sorry.
No, there is no wallowing in anger. There is only trust in God. or the Universe if you aren’t religious.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Fleeced, thank you for posting your story. I think it will help a lot of people. Keep posting, I think you are going to be fine. no, more than fine. you’re going to be great, give it time and take the time to heal all the past wounds that brought you here.
fleeced:
You will be fine and you know how I know that? You say you WANT to meet someone genuine and honest. You WANT to move on and you WANT to have a healthy relationship. Because you WANT all those things, you will have them.
See, I do NOT WANT it…ever again and that makes me sad for myself. I don’t ever want to fall in love again; I can never trust again. So hats off to you! You will make it!
Fleesed, you said, “I want my life back…” ahhhh yes. I so remember when I wanted my life back….but in reality, what I meant was I wanted the lie back…the denial…the ability to turn a blind eye, because the truth was so ugly, hurtful and hateful, ugly and stinky, and I didn’t want to live in such horrific pain.
Kathleen Hawk has a step by step guide to grieving and recovery from these spathological relationships in the archives…they really help you on your journey. A couple of months is only the beginning and no, you are npt wallowing. You have every right to be angry. Very angry. Accept it and vent it, in any positive way you can….as if anger ever feels positive….but it is, it makes way for change, it encourages us to set boundrys, it teaches us that we matter, it makes us strive for respect…it helps us love ourselves. I did a lot of writing…it was a harmless way to vent, and I also prayed alot, because I did not want the burden of anger, so I asked that it be removed from me….but, it wasn’t. Not for a long time. I am convinced that my anger was a spiritual tool that helped me find more respect for myself. So take your time, and don’t beat yourself up. Yes, it’s a process, and you are in the very beginning stages. Keep coming back here. And do read Kathleen’s articles.
Hello Fleeced,
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are certainly in the right place for support. There are hundreds of articles here that can help you in your journey from the dark side. You will get there…..it’s going to take time. As Kim and Skylar have said, two months is very early days. I found comfort in keeping a diary. A diary of my feelings in the immediate aftermath of leaving the ex. It definitely helped me to pour out all the feelings of grief and confusion and utter devastation that I felt. Written by me for my eyes only, it is grim reading but oh so therapeutic.
Be kind to yourself. These “people” are innately gifted in the acting department. You were duped, just like most of us here.
As our dear Ox Drover says, it starts off being about them and ends up being about us. In other words …..a voyage of self discovery. I am healed enough now to examine why it happened. What is it about me that makes me susceptible to these types.
As far as revenge is concerned, be extremely careful. It is perfectly natural in the beginning to want to “get your own back” but they do not like being exposed. They will do everything to protect their identity, the mask. Stay safe my dear. The best revenge is for you to go No Contact ……ignore him if you can. If you have no reason to be in contact ie children, then this should be no problem. Ignore all forms of contact. Change numbers and block emails. You have done well already by not replying to his attempt to reel you in once more for another round of their unique BS!! I have sincerely found the best form of revenge is to ignore. It negates their existence and spath boy certainly cannot cope with that.
I want to wish you all the luck in the world. I have stood where you are. I am still paying back a considerable amount of money….bills run up by him. But I refuse to lay down any more. I’ve had a lot of support from the LFers and can only recommend that you keep coming here, keep posting and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Fleeced, welcome to LoveFraud and I’m sorry that you were compelled to learn about sociopathy, but very glad that you found this site in your quest for knowledge.
“No Contact” is the first “rule” of stopping the madness. This also extends to “mutual” friends that are oblivious to what the spaths are. But, one positive step that can still be taken if it hasn’t been, already, is to BLOCK all cell numbers (especially “mutual” friends and his family), emails, online profiles (ESPECIALLY with FaceBook!), and any other means that may provide an in-road for the spath, whether it’s intentional, or not.
You’re going to be fine, Fleeced. In due time, you’ll recover, heal, and be secure enough in your own skin to be able to pick and choose someone when the time is right. For now, it’s a matter of you attending to YOU and your recovery.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: Fleeced, “feelings” of revenge are “normal.” The anger is “normal.” But, I am a perfect example of what can happen when those “feelings” are not processed in a healthy, positive manner. Sure, fantasize about revenge and express your anger in controlled environments, but I would echo the warning to be very, very cautious when entertaining revenge. It NEVER ends well.