Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
I’m watching the 4th season of Breaking Bad. this is where I first heard the name Skylar. And I looked up the meaning: protection through knowledge.
It’s astounding, that so many spaths in the is tv show resonate with my spath. One of the Uber spaths, poisons a bottle of booze and drinks from it, but he goes to the bathroom to vomit so he doesn’t die.
My spath was poisoning me for 25 years. One thing he told me he did, was to teach himself to vomit on cue. He didn’t even need to put a finger down his throat. I never knew why, until I figured out that he was poisoning me.
Watching this show, has taught me that vomiting on cue is a red flag. All spaths do it. They are so paranoid that they think about it long before any normal person would consider the need for it.
at Daisy
and, in fact, all spath victims…
i’d like to give you an answer, my answer to be precise, to yr very last question:why it is so painful?
well – YOU ARE HUMAN, sorry for stating the obvious but yes, you are. you had and still have, so it appears – strong feelings towards the other human (to the image of the human that he pretended to be, THE IMAGE is the clue, THAT was just THE IMAGE, nothing more nothing less). Regardless of the fact he is the last man on the planet that you should wish to be anywhere near you…you do remain committed. Again – its natural, and it is painful to lose something, to give up something you loved. Mourning is upsetting, it hurts deeply, makes you sad, and it takes time, but it will end – i promise you, with the right mind set up AND all helpers (lawyers, friends, whathaveyou…not to mention lovefraud.com :).
you are in the process of complete separation, getting out of toxic relationship, getting and starting new better life (its already far better isn’t it?).
yet, i do feel for you…i do still have a moments when i ask myself: why me, why it hurts so much, why he cannot be normal, why did i fell into the darkness of his mind, what have i done to deserve all this nastiness and excruciating heartbreak, immense physical (in my case) pain.
what helps me to go thru hell of getting back to normal?
of course…quite a few people…but at the end it’s my life and my problem and my mind has been polluted by evil’s poisonous cocktail…that i’ve been drinking happily for almost 4 years now…
let me quote Buddha:
‘Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment’
and another one from Will Smith:
‘Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.’
more on my favourite page: brainyquote.com
Pick the one you like and make it yours. that helps me to focus on the bright side.
and please, keep on cutting him off completely, removing him from yr life. if stories posted above are not convincing enough…just look at mine:
three months ago, xpath decided to send me to the six feet under world, if you know what i mean…handsome, top executive, respected citizen so to speak and so on so on…you would not think for a million years he might be one of THESE.
the truth is the opposite.
he did understood i will use the evidence of his villainy, betrayals, double face personality (not just double as you know..triple and more) to get full custody over our tiny baby girl and disclose publicly all the drama he was playing for that long…was just a bullshxxt.
to make the story short: i’m still alive 🙂 and this is what counts. i now believe there is an angel looking after me, otherwise i would not be able to share this few sentences with you.
i remain ZERO CONTACT with him and i will not break the promise i’ve made to myself and all people around me. i will have to see him at the court. that’s inevitable – but honestly…i finally understood – that i do not want to see him anymore. and i am talking life time.
i’ve blocked all the messangers, emails etc.: he keeps writing sms, emails…like nothing happened (how peculiar ;), trying to blackmail me, make me feel guilty (again…its not even funny;)…etc etc…so typical for spaths….he even sent me happy christmas note…hmm…how cute…really?
they are all logged and reported and forwarded to my lawyer.
it took me some time and real pain to get to here.
the truth is: even the sweetest apologies (not even public one) would not make a slightest difference to me. it would be yet another lie.
NOTHING will wash away the vision of my child being left alone, half orphan. to traumatic to digest. simply unacceptable.
i cannot stress enough how important it is to leave it all behind and start living normally…do it when you realize it bad for you.
Daisy – you are the lucky one – it was not too late, you left the stage at the right moment.
do not go back there…there is a lot of fish in the sea.
🙂
Daisy,
I am going through the same kind of feelings as you are right now. I, too, thought my ex was just a pathological liar, but that didn’t seem to be enough of an explanation for how deliberate his lies to me were and how callously he cheated on me over and over again. And I understand what you are saying about the pain. It hurts sooooo much, much more than the end of any other relationship I’ve had. I think it’s perfectly normal to miss the person you thought you knew. I know I do, a lot. They made themselves into what we thought we were looking for! Because we are honest, caring people, we believed that the image was real and sincere. After all, we can’t imagine doing such a thing to someone! And then to find out that it was all a lie is such a deep betrayal. I feel like I’ve lost my faith in the goodness of other people. Perhaps that’s why it’s so painful. But I am determined to believe in others again!
To everyone who commented on Daisy’s post, I feel like you are commenting on my story too, and I will take what you’re saying and apply it to my situation as well. Thank you. 🙂
I know that I am so glad to have found LF and to have found others who understand what I’m going through. Let’s keep posting and support each other.
Laura, you said QUOTE
To everyone who commented on Daisy’s post, I feel like you are commenting on my story too, and I will take what you’re saying and apply it to my situation as well. Thank you. 🙂
That’s why LF is soo great…we all dated THE SAME GUY. There’s just one of him out there. LOL Actually I wish there were only one of him, unfortunately out of ever 100 or so guys there are from 1-4 true psychopaths among them. Not all serial killers, but all of them TOXIC and mean, crafty and sly.
I suggest you learn the RED FLAGS of Love Fraud,, and donna’s books is a great place to start but there are over 1000 articles hhere for you to read as well. I suggest that you just go through the arcives and read each article as well as the articles that come up each day and blog with us, but read EVERY ARTICLE here on LF…it starts out educating ourselves about THEM and ends up educating ourselves about OURSELVES. And I can tell you it will NOT be an easy or a short process so don’t start rushing yourself, take your TIME. Be good to yourself. Eat right, sleep right, and enough, exercise, and take care of yourself spiritually. (((hugs))))
Good morning, Ox Drover!
I already bought and read the red flags book, and it was excellent! I bought the kindle version and highlighted so much of it and wrote notes to go with much of the highlighting. It was uncanny to read it and see my own situation over and over again in the book! I also read The Sociopath Next Door, which was also really helpful. I have read through a few articles on LF, but I can see that there are so many more I can check out. I wanted to take some time first to post on the blog because I feel like I really need that connection with others who have been through what I am going through. I am all about learning and being as self-aware as I can be, so I will definitely use this experience to become a better person. It’s really quite sad that spaths can’t do the same thing…
I appreciate the support from you and others so much. Especially the virtual hugs. 🙂
skylar:
I love Breaking Bad! I have watched it from the very beginning. True about the vomiting.
LieToMeNoMore
I EEECCHHHOOoooooo what you wrote about spaths and how people think they would NEVER think in a million years that…. they would murder.
The TRUTH is, once we have ID an spath, that IS the defining characteristic: That they have the capacity to MURDER without conscience.
If we don’t think they would murder, then they are not spath.
CAUTION: We FAILED to see them for what they were until SOMTHING revealed their spath character. PLEASE do not be in denial about the FINAL conclusion: That they are capable of murder. That’s how people end up DEAD. They FAIL to correctly assess their danger.
I did not discover this site and realize my husband was spath until after my last face to face with him, the day that I was nearly murdered and only got away by luck, by a FLUKE, by a truck driver who’s delivery was late b/c he’d had a breakdown and instead of finishing his delivery that morning, he ended up on my lonely country road in early evening, and provided the eye witness that stopped the assault on me, I ran for my car, and drove away, never to return. My near nurder from a man whom EVERYONE in our community thinks is so laid back that nothing riles him.
ONCE you are fortunate enough to identify someone as spath, treat them as IF they would murder. B/c they CAN.
Daisy
Can I say something? I read your post. You said you lost all the progress you made in six months during the last 2 months. i disagree. You removed yourself from the pain of this guy. THAT IS SUCCESS! You did NOT lose all the progress you made. NO WAY HONEY! Don’t make light of the huge success it is in getting away from a spath.
The thing is, though, you’ve got to have NO CONTACT with him or his girlfriend. Do not allow them to infiltrate your life. You’re reliving all his bullshit and pain now in having contact with her, and indirectly through him.
Move on, don’t look back, don’t spend time trying to fix her or fix him, because he isn’t fixable. He’s a sociopath.
Would you ever be on this site if he was normal? NO.
Hugs and welcome.
I am just discovering something new every day. I read about Narcisist’s today and I see that my xspath fits EVERY SINGLE one of the symptoms so he is sociopathic and narcissistic. I am also understanding these strong feelings that keep coming up as feelings of rejection from being discarded. What a horrible, horrible thing to do to another human being. It is particularly vicious and the xspath knows it. I’ve mentioned to him several times in the past how it is hard for me when he just “cuts me off” without a word. So I actually gave him the ammunition. Not this time buddy boy! Knowledge is power and I won’t be letting you know how I am feeling. This is where NC is the equalizer. I wish it wasn’t based in me feeling that I hope my NC hurts him in some way. Knowing how he is I am feeling sure that it does because I’ve never been consistent with NC with him and they all seem to study and know our patterns. I do hope it makes him boil though! I really do and am praying for the day when I no longer care one way or the other.
Revelation, all Ps are Ns but not all Ns are Ps…..just a matter of degree, but all have the same symptoms, to one degree or another.