Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
I agree! Parents in our world…back in the 1950s…were horrible ! They didn’t care what we felt or thought.
Thank God for people like Virginia Satir, the pioneer of awareness regarding family dysfunctionalism…and John Bradshaw, her protege…
They helped us reach for the truth and the light. Like the Homecoming? Let’s go home! And rise like a Phoenix from the ashes abuse.
Babs:
Yeah, it seemed like in the time when I grew up (I was born in the early 60s), parents just had kids just to have them. There was no nurturing, etc. Having said that, I have to say that I think now it has gone too far the other way. I see so many kids being coddled way too much. Everything revolves around the kids and because of that, the kids are so entitled now. They are lazy (because they don’t have to do any kind of chores because they either have housekeepers or their parents do it all), spoiled, have every material thing known to man, have way more food to eat than anyone has ever had, etc. There needs to be a balance…not all (like now) or nothing (like when I grew up).
Revelation, it gets better, I promise – but, there’s no “schedule” for recovery and this was one of the facts that I really, really had a difficult time accepting. I’ve been out for about 15 months, and I’m JUST NOW beginning to feel as if I’ve made some recovery. So, just be patient, Revelation, and “love” yourself because you are totally unique in this vast Universe – a precious piece of this world. Keep that in mind, whenever you can.
Louise, I think that there is the wrong “type” of coddling going on, today. Children are plopped down in front of a computer or video game so that the parents don’t have to “manage” them or interact with them. And, the excuse that “The parents are so busy working, etc.’ does NOT fly with me. Children are given cell phones that take the place of actual human communication – texting is the preferred method of “keeping tabs” on children, and children are living their lives through technology. If anyone (teacher, or neighbor) even DARES to call a child down because of their behaviors, THEY are threatened with lawsuits, etc.
I am seeing 2 generations of human beings that are rapidly eliminating empathy, conscience, remorse, accountability, communication, ethics, morals, and consequences in lieu of just “existing” as living organisms. It’s terrifying to me when I consider that these people are going to be in their 40’s when I’m in my final years….and, I cannot imagine how this current climate is going impact me, and others of my generation.
Brightest blessings
TeaLight, I love your analogy! Poison is poison, whether it’s an oral combustible tube, or another person, and it’s such a terrific comparison to what I have allowed and how I’ve fed my own addiction(s).
Brightest blessings
I quit smoking for th laqst time when my daughter waas pregnaant. I just told myself that good grandmother do not smoke. I have not had one since and she just turned ten.
Very interesting conversation on addicitons. I must confess I was addicted to mothering. I loved it, I did not want it to go away but neither did I hang on to them. At least I tried not to and sent them away to college and pretended I had a life of my own. But really I lived for them just like my own mother did.
I was a child of the 50’s with much abuse and humiliation from parents and older siblings. I swore my children would not hsve to endure that. I look at them as adults now and wonder, why aren’t they happier?
Did the psychopath get to them because he had visitation or was I just a bad mother? I always heard motherhood was a thankless job, but I sure did not expect this.
Always living and learning.
Best to all!
I too had an abusive childhood. I have blocked out completely my first 10 years at home. I am just starting to remember some other things I had blocked out as well. I did have a loving grandmother that I saw for a short time each summer that taught me love and more. So when I became a mother at 17 I was determined to show my children that I loved them. I ended up with a man (for 18 months) I believe was a sociopath and my oldest daughter saw way too much violence at a very young age (1 yr to 2 1/2 yrs). She didn’t let anyone in after that. She just shut down, at 14 she was diagnosised with Sociopathic Tendencies. I could never get her into counciling. For many years I thought she was the way she was simply because of out life experiences that had to be devastating for her. I have written a few journals about my life and that of my children. I realize that like all parents, I had made mistakes. But I know I taught them well and loved and cared for them. I no longer blame myself for how my 35 year old daughter is, she was taught right from wrong and to care for others. I now know the genetics plays a much larger role in the syndrome. As a mother I had to believe and act upon every story she told. As she grew older, I realize I can no longer be a part of her life without expecting drama. It is so very hard to break the cord with a child and even harder when there are children that she controls completely….very sad. Yes, every person that is ever exposed to a Sociopath is effected, especially if it is over a period of time. My life has been a rollercoaster ride. I have watched my grandchildren suffer and all those she has used, including multiple partners. My grandson wants to be a psychiatrist and now that he has reached 16 he is not enrolled in school. I can only guess her reason to be that she does not want him diagnosing her in fear losing him. After 35 years, it is pretty scary, yet necessary, to know her mind and how she processes things. For me, that is my first line of defense. I can only hope my grandchildren will be okay some day.
Blindness to sociopathic behavior does NOT only come from an abusive childhood. My parents were the opposite, generous, trusting, and kind with me. I was never hit, sent to my room, or anything else.
I expected all people to behave like that. It seems that most people do. A few months ago I got an email from my high school sweetie, telling me that he was so sorry he gave me a kiss and my mother saw. He is still embarrassed by that, 40 years later.
I knew the latespath since he was 8 years old. Why would I think him to be any different.
I didn’t crave love, nor did he shower me with hearts and flowers. I was enamoured with his brilliance. I had a horrible experience at my first shot at college; nothing evil happened to me, just a bad all around choice of schools.
I see now, that he saw a free ride. And he never hesitated to remind me that I asked my parents to help with law school, all be it at his behest; and wouldn’t I look like a jerk if I told them I wanted out.
I felt safe with him and for the first 4 1/2 years of marriage, I was; then law school was ending and the protected academic environment would be gone. He couldn’t deal with the real world.
lost: I don’t think there is a “set” reason either. Some people say the spath was abused. Not mine. He was spoiled and lived with his mother until he was 32. She paid for everything and he used his money for women and drugs. She used to go pick up, and pay for, his booze and cigarettes on demand. I had some abuse from my parents, but I agree with you that there isn’t rhyme or reason in many cases. A domestic violence counselor once told me that abusive men look for the strongest, most attractive, and intelligent women specifically because they want to break them down.
It has been a little over a week since I moved out the apartment I shared with my ex. I could not stand for his verbal abuse and manipulation any longer. He tried to turn me on my loving family because he felt threatened by them. He did nothing for me, brought nothing to the table, name called, belittled, and made a fool of me. I should be so happy I am gone from someone so evil, and yet I cry because I’m sad. Sad I gave so much to him and sad because I genuinely loved him. I understand he does not have the capacity to change. He sees nothing wrong with himself, he is not even on the road to recovery. I have my whole life ahead of me, thank God this happened before we were married. I just want to feel happy again. Everytime I pick up a book on recovery I cry, everytime I see something that reminds me of our apartment I cry, I am so sad that all this wonderful information I read doesn’t sink in my head and take away the sadness. He will never see what he has lost and how profoundly he has crushed my spirit. I feel crazy because Im afraid I’ll never have a connection like that again with someone, but then I think, was it even real? Did I even love him? Its hard distinguishing reality. If I tell myself he is a sick guy I just end up feeling bad for him and that takes away my strength and motivation to move on. Its just so horrible, I’m such a good person, I don’t deserve to go through this, no one does.
Lov10 – welcome to Lovefraud. You’ve only been out for a week – everything is still very raw for you. Don’t worry about the crying – crying is good. It gets the poison out of your system.
These relationships really grab a hold of us psychologically, and it will take a bit of time to undo the grip. So please be patient. Allow yourself to experience the disappointment – as you do, it will dissipate.
One day at a time. It will get better.
lov10,
Hang in there, it will get easier. It has taken me a year to have a day with no tears, but it finally happened. Protect yourself from this person, just as you would protect your child from a dangerous predator. You will find love again, but it will be real next time, because you will likely spend a lot of time reading and learning about how not to fall prey again. Researching the characteristics of predatory people will help you so much in your healing, especially reading about other’s experiences. You are not alone!!
Keep talking. You’re not alone and your life is not over. In fact, it’s just beginning. You now have the knowledge and are developing the skills to move ahead in a way you never could have before this disaster. When you’ve lost everything, there’s nowhere to go but up. You will have connections with others. REAL connections. And you will begin to recognize how much of your previous relationship was smoke and mirrors and the “intimacy” was really “intoxication” fostered by several techniques psychopaths use liberally. Your only “crime” and “fault” was being a trusting, open, person with a beautiful heart. He can’t change that. He doesn’t get that, You do.
Take yourself back. Reach out and center yourself with people who nurture your selfhood, the real you. That’s where your life has to start moving in some degree in spite of the desire to forensically autopsy the relationship and where things went wrong. It’s hard to accept, but he did it because he COULD, not because of any deficiency on your part.
I have to agree with the comments. When my soon to be ex walked out on me I was devastated. A person I loved for 20 years, the father of my child. You know what, it is their loss. Don’t ever think it was your fault. Their minds are so distorted. And yes, you probably loved him with all your heart and he took it for granted. Please be strong and know that you did nothing wrong. After almost 9 months since he left I can honestly say “thank god” he is out of my life. Why was I so blind to let him to this to me? Sometimes I question this but I know he never deserved my love, ever.
I’m a baby at dealing with this topic . I’ve only known the truth for a year a
Nd I feel so naive even though the actions have never stopped. I hate the stuck place I’m in. I want more understanding. Bi hate that I’ve married for 21 years to a scammer, liar and basically evil person. I want to break away, but he won’t let me. I’m scared,
SC
Stacy, please get out. I am a Christian and would never tell anyone to leave a marriage lightly. But as soon as I learned my husband was a complete fraud and our life had been a sham, I asked God for direction. God completely took care of me and walked me carefully out of the marriage. My ex has admitted to the court that he told a number of people he might kill me. Detectives investigated him for it. I armed myself and took action against him immediately by calling police at any incident. You need careful legal advice—I recorded every phone call with him or his family, I communicated by email instead of talking with him (after the split). But—if you’re in a domestic violence situation, please seek help from DV Detectives in your police force. They will be very cautious and confidential in helping you. They will educate you and guide you to helpful resources. I stayed in my marriage 10 months longer, because I did not get that he was a sociopath. Mine made excuses for it all, that seemed plausible (we were in counseling the whole time) but I soon figured out that he was going downhill, not up. The book Boundaries in Marriage helped me. With the help of my family and BF, I set boundaries for his behavior, and when he began to fudge on those, I got out. My BF and I can vouch that it’s better to live in a shack without a psychotic, than in a mansion with one. You will find reserves of strength that you had no idea you had, and it might be the best thing that ever happened to you. Most of all, love yourself as God loves you. He created you and loves you like crazy. Respect yourself. Do not browbeat yourself for making a poor choice in him, nor for anything he says. He is a prolific liar, manipulator and control freak. They all are. They are like machines, not humans, and no contact is the only way to heal from them. No Contact is a beautiful, healing gift you give yourself.
Stacy, I would also like to tell you…when I learned he was a fraud, and stayed in the marriage that 10 months longer, I cried every day, and awoke every morning at 4:00 a.m., unable to sleep. That began to be a sort of torture. The minute I ended the marriage, I cried in a healing way for a few weeks, but no longer every day because I was utterly miserable. And I slept thru that 4:00 a.m. time from that day on! That was a joy. It was an evil that had been removed from my life. Altho I have had a lot to deal with in separating and divorcing my psychotic ex, I have had a happiness and peace that run as an undercurrent and carry me forward. I loved being married and miss that, but not him. I thank God every day for bringing me truth and carrying me out!
Elizabeth,
Your words are so encouraging. I too, awake early and cry. My life with him has been awful, but because I have nothing to compare it to, I didn’t realize how bad it truly is. I’ve been waiting on God to lead me out, but ignoring every blatant sign that says that I need to love myself enough to leave.
I’m just now understanding what kind of evil I am dealing with. I’ve been hanging on the empty words of love and devotion. I’m so grateful that God is opening my eyes. Thank you for sharing your perspective and confirming my feelings.