Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
stacyclayton – welcome to Lovefraud. We have many articles in the archives that will help you understand what you are dealing with, and help you recover.
Feel free to reach out for support whenever you need to – someone will respond.
Elizabethbrooks – thank you for offering wisdom and encouragement.
Donna,
I am just completing your book, LOVE FRAUD. It’s such a moving story and has, in just a few hours, changed my life. Thank you for sharing your pain to help others. Also, thank you for the time and effort that goes into this web site. I’ve already received encouragement and direction. I’m mentally stronger today because of this site and your book.
Thank you
You are very welcome. It is heartwarming to hear that Lovefraud and my book are helping you.
Stacy-
God’s hand is invisible. It imbues you with the knowledge and ability to help yourself. So don’t for a minute think that a detectable act of God will transform your situation. Only you, with the enlightenment and determination your research provides, can change your circumstance.
People who are not “disordered” have both a code of conduct and neurological connection to their mates. Even once we discover their evil, those connective energies continue to cleave us to the memory of the relationship we thought existed. Recognizing that it was a sham and living in your new reality, will enable you to escape and recover.
Joyce
Thank you, Joyce. Your words are very profound. I have been waiting on a clear sign from God. To be honest, there have been so many “clear” signs and my heart refused them. I’ve been so confused over why I continue to try in this relationship even after knowing so many horrific details of our life together.
Your words help me see that, after 23 years with him, I am so mentally and spiritually connected to him that my heart is having trouble catching up with what my logical mind has learned in the last year.
I find it so encouraging to read how so many of you have moved forward to a point that you feel your own worth and are finding joy in your lives. I’m looking forward to that day for myself. I’m working hard to get there
I’m grateful that I found Donna’s book and this site. I don’t feel so alone today.
I was interested to read you comments on Signs. I feel I was lead through my recovery, by signs very specific to what I was going through. I read various books on self development, spiritual beliefs and dating etc.
I realised that once I had read one book and interpreted and integrated the lessons/knowledge in that book I would be then be lead to the next important book/piece of information.
A sign can be so small, that you may not consider it a sign. I would say, if it interests you in any way or seems to connect with you in any way, it is a sign. Just follow the trail and it will lead you out of the hell and onto the path of rebuilding you life 🙂
I am thankful for this site. Thought I was going crazy but realize now with the help of the book I bought and this site, that it isn’t me. So many fights about …. well I was always confused what the fights were about. I am still living in the house with him and his kids. Kids are just like him. Me and my kids are blamed for EVERYTHING that goes wrong, his ailing health, ANYTHING! They all do nothing wrong. I have a 13 yr old trying to lecture me today and I simply told her I will not discuss any of this with her and to stop texting me. He tells them everything is my fault. Everything is my kids’ fault and that if we weren’t here that everything would be fine. Yet if I try to leave he bashes me that I am leaving him!!! It is so confusing. I am literally in hell with my kids. Looking for a place to live as I type this. I was warned by his own mom at the beginning (WARNING) and by various family and friends of his (ANOTHER WARNING!)… I sure wished I had listened. I left a 12 yr marriage of someone that did this but this guy I am with is 10 times worse!
Going to find a place for me and my youngins…. and work on ME! Work on my kids so this doesn’t affect them! Next year we will look back and say WOW glad we got out of there with our lives!
So thankyou for this site. I look forward to learning more, getting support when I feel like going back, and growing so I never get into another relationship like this ever again!
🙁 I still cry, still want it to work (but am refusing to let myself do that!), still want his arms around me, still want all of it … except the hell.
Thanks for listening.
Wounded soul
I did cry a lot also. Believe me it will get better. It has been over a year now since I was discarded and looking back now, it was the best thing that I ever happened to me. My cheating spouse left me and my son after 20 years. He claimed “I was mentally ill ” and he had to leave. I was devastated. Especially after finding out about his young co worker who was engaged in an affair with him. I felt like my entire world was shattered, I cried, I begged, I asked him why. This was the first stage in the grief process. It honestly felt like a death. I educated myself about sociopaths, I cut of all contact, I changed my email and phone no and most importantly I retained an attorney and filed for divorce. I remember sitting in his office crying, questioning myself if this was the right decision. Today, about 9 months into this “ugly” divorce I know I made the right decision. Yes, I lost my house after the court ordered it to be sold. I lost many material assets but I have my peace, my freedom and my sanity. I don’t have to worry about him lying to me, wondering if he is cheating or betraying me. It’s a great feeling. Nobody tells me and disrespects me by saying “I am the crazy one” while he is cheating. I am proud of myself for standing up for myself and my son and saying “enough, no more”. PLEASE GATHER ENOUGH STRENGTH AND LEAVE. I wish I would have left years earlier. I wish I would have found this website a long time ago. Enforce the no contact and make a better life for yourself. You don’t deserve this, nobody does. Good luck 🙂
Thank-you kaya48. Trying to find a place to move to. It sickens me that his kids are in this and can’t see what is right in front of their face and they bash me too. I can’t wait until I am out of here. A no contact situation seems like heaven right now.
Yes it is very sad for the children. Fortunately, my son is 19 and he sees the truth in his “father “. He sees the evilness, the manipulative ways he treated us and he wants nothing to do with him. We accepted that this entire marriage was an illusion. It was never “real”. It was the image he wanted to portray to his co workers and bosses. In reality he was and still is an abuser and a coward. I am glad this little co worker has to deal with his issues now. Because he is not my problem anymore.
Good for you for moving on. It takes a lot of courage and strength to move past the pain and hurt. But once you are in that acceptance stage it gets easier. I noticed that I don’t think much about the soon to be ex husband any longer. This is something that happened to me but never will it define me as a person.
I’ve left my ex. It took every once of strength in me but I did. I since found out he’s on a dating site. The amount of devastation he has left me in is unimaginable. We were not married and have no kids but I really thought we were going to spend our lives together. I’m heartbroken and crushed. I’m so angry that I just cry. I just want time to pass so he can be a bad memory and not be so emotionally affected anymore. I’ve cried enough. It’s crazy because I know he’s insane but my heart can’t accept that. So when I rethink his horrible words of discard to me I die inside all over again. I need my heart to see what my mind now does.
lov10 – Good for you. Yes it is difficult and painful now, but you are doing what is healthy for you. Stay strong. We have many articles on Lovefraud to help you – look in the section in the gray menu bar about “recovery from a sociopath.”
Lov10,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Everyone here can relate. It’s unimaginable that we could be treated this way, and especially by someone that we love and believed loved us.
I just want to encourage you. Like Donna says, stay strong. The reality of this process is that the path to recovery is rarely a straight path, you will have really good days when you feel like the world looks brighter, and really bad days when you feel more despair.
About a year ago someone suggested this to me and it has helped. They said “Set yourself on a goal. It may be a small goal to be reached a week from now, or a little larger goal that you can reach in a month or two. Certainly no big changes or goals are advised right now.
Anyway, aim at that goal. You are going to swerve and sway on the path. You may even turn around and go backwards a few times, but remember the goal and keep at it. And unless God gives you an undeniable sign (not a butterfly but a lightening bolt that hits the ground beside you, carving your initials and birthday into the soil), stay aimed at that goal. COMPLETE IT.”
At the time, I was contemplating separation from my Spath husband. I would go back and forth. The words really helped me. Now when I am trying my best to go NC, I’m applying the same strategy.
I hope that helps some. You may not believe it, but you will feel better and gain your strength. Sooner than you think. Meanwhile, we all care and are here for you. We understand. Hugs to you
Lov10,
Once you enforce the “no contact ” you heart will see what your mind does in no time. Believe me, I have been there. It was undescribable pain for me when I was discarded, labeled as “mentally ill” and thrown away like garbage. My soon to be ex is a sheriffs deputy and was abusing is ” cop power ” any way possible. When I look back now I can see all his lies, his belittling and his manipulation.
My attorney said something very important to me: “doesn’t it feel better to be alone rather than being with a liar, who disrespects you and betrays you”?
I know for a fact how painful it is, how your heart aches, how your mind goes kind of “crazy”. Once the fog is gone and you can see clearly it is like this huge weight is of you. I am at peace now. Thanks to websites liked lovefraud, thanks to my faith, thanks to my friends, lawyer and any support system I have, I can go on with my life. Everyday without him is a happy day because I am alive and well. Stay strong , you will be better. The times when you cry will get less. I have not cried it 10 months :). LIfe is good.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Very comforting. There are defitnetly good days and bad days. I just keep reminding myself I deserve more and it is better to be alone than constantly emotionally tortured. I always tell my friends I wish I could flash forward my life 5 years from now just to know I’ll be ok. But I’ll get there. My constant thoughts of replaying they events and words that went on is what kills me daily. That I have to work on getting my mind to stop. It truly is breaking an addiction.
Lov 10
I can truly feel what you are going through with the good days and bad days. Even after more than a year after I was discarded, I occasionally have to tell my mind not to go into the past . I truly believed my soon to be ex husband married me because he loved and deeply cared about me. It is truly devastating to find out that this was not the truth. And it hurts like someone is stabbing you in the heart and twisting the knife a few times. I remember functioning like a robot on a little bit of sleep, crying and thinking “how can anyone who claims he loves you do such harm to you ?”. The truth is, you will never get an appology or an explanation. Never because their minds are so distorted that they see no wrong in their evil actions. There is no empathy or compassion. At one point I accepted this and I started to focus on myself. Not the past, not the future, just one day at a time. I purchased a calendar and happy face stickers. Every day of no contact resulted in a day with “a happy face sticker”. Before I knew it I had 6 months of happy days.
I am in the midst of divorce proceedings. Seeing him in court does nothing to me. I used to get nervous, shaky and my heart was racing. Now he is nothing to me. A bad business partner, that’s how I see him. There are no more emotions, no more tears. Because I am worth so much more, he will not get any reaction out if me. Yes, I have my attorney by my side. I know evil will not prevail.
Take one day at a time, stay strong and focus on you. You can heal and recover. I know because I made it. Looking back I never thought I could go on for another day without him. It’s an illusion that is so addictive, and it takes time to break that addiction.
All the caring comments on this website have helped me tremendously and I will forever be grateful for this. Good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Just stand strong even if you “are thrown in deep waters”. You think your “feet will fail” but always keep “your head above the waves”. This is coming from a song called “oceans deep” by hillsong united. Very encouraging song.
Kay48,
I love the smiley face tip. I will try that.
Glad to hear of your success of breaking free! And I love that song by hill song!