Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Oxy:
I so agree with your statements, “On the subject of “forgiveness” I view it as a getting the BITTERNESS against them out of my heart. Not in any way condoning what they did or what they are…It just means that I am no longer BITTER or use their actions as the focus of my life, or have hate toward them. I am working toward acceptance of what they are, acknowledgment of what they are, but in no way approval.”
Beautifully written. Forgiving them helps us to heal, and gets the sickness out of our bodies and psyche. Go, Oxy.
And now you have coined the phrase, “ALOHA-isms”. Fabulous. I find great insights and wit with Aloha, she is so right-on with her anologies. First Aloha comes up with the “Bad Man” which is now a common phrase on LF, and now “Been Through Hell Angels”.
Peggy
Oxy, thanks for the kind words. I’m so grateful to be in a place where I can write my thoughts and be understood.
Regarding what you said about your life, I think the force of your reaction to seeing your mother speaks to healthy sensitivity to certain types of situations. From everything you’ve said, she is sabotaging your efforts to get some peace and control into your life.
You’ve never suggested that she’s doing it on purpose, but only because she has her own issues. But her motivation doesn’t matter, in my book, as much as the emotional and objective impact it has on your life.
Uncomfortable as it makes you, I think it’s great that you’re responding like that. It means your internal alert system is working. And then you did the right thing, in my opinion. You recognized that the risk was systemic, rather than requiring immediate action on your part. And dedicated the evening to taking care of yourself.
The only way I can imagine that you wouldn’t respond like that is if the circumstances changed. As long as they stay the same, you are looking at a collaborator in your demise every time you look at her. This isn’t PSTD. This is real.
Every time you talk about this situation, I can feel how complicated emotionally it is. You continue to be understanding of her limitations, despite your disappointment and dismay (small words for a large betrayal). You sound pragmatic about what is ahead of you, which is all you can be, but you give yourself permission to feel angry disbelief.
I honor you and feel for you. I hope it gets easier, but if it doesn’t, you sound grounded and ready.
Namaste.
Kathy
Dear Peggy and Kathy,
Thank you both so much for the validation. While I have come to the point I am able to validate my own opinions and my own feelings and my own behavior, It does mean a great deal when people whose opinions I thoroughly respect validate it as well. This site has been so helpful in gaining that validation, especially back when I was just “learning to ride that bicycle” and needed “training wheels.” I specifically remember when it dawned on me that I COULD AND I WAS VALIDATING MYSELF. At first when I was learning to set boundaries, I would use my son D’s opinion to validate that the boundary was REASOANBLE (not an over reaction based on emotion) and then I got to where I didn’t need his validation any more and started setting boundaries without checking with him first. (that was a RED LETTER DAY!)
He never once told me the boundaries I was setting were “unreasonable” though they did impact on him directly as he was very close to some of the people I had to set some HARD BOUNDARIES on. In fact, I have seen him begin to set some hard boundaries on these same people who frequently impose on him and his good and kind nature.
Learning to set boundaries, learning that I can do them without being in an emotional turmoil, learning that my boundaries are RIGHT FOR ME and that it DOESN’T matter if others like them or not, realizing that setting some boundaries may make the relationship disappear, etc. All these things I am doing now by myself–training wheels taken off, and it feels good to ride without second guessing myself or feeling like I am going to fall any second.
Yes, my mother’s betrayal is real. Her MO in doing this is to keep the family DYSFUNCTION and DRAMA intact and predictable. I saw the other day that she thinks that my NC will stop if she just “invalidates” my concerns as trivial and unreasonable or “impossible.” She DOESN’T GET IT YET! And guess what, she ISN’T EVER GOING TO GET IT. She will breathe her last breath thinking the way she does now. In the past (always) given enough time she could trivialize all my feelings, invalidate them, and I would eventually come back to her control, play her games, and “pretend none of this ever happened.” It always worked before and she has no reason to believe it won’t eventually work again. Pavlov’s “intermittent rewards” research showed that if something is rewarded INTERMITTENTLY the attempt by the animal (in this case human animals) will never quit the behavior because they ALWAYS believe that the NEXT TIME IT WILL WORK AGAIN. That’s why slot machines are such powerfully addictive machines. We get a reward once in a while and we keep hoping that even after many failures, the net time it will reward us. I use that in training animals all the time BECAUSE IT WORKS.
I kept on trying to “fix” her because in the past (sometimes) I PERCEIVED that I had fixed the situation. I hadn’t but I perceived I had been rewarded and that was the same thing. I was intermittently rewarded for being a “fixer” or for “knuckling under” to her control—but no more. I have rebelled. She will never give up. Just like my P son never gave up trying to con her, because he knew if he kept on long enough, she would give in and give him what he wanted, she would start to pity him and send money if he just told her he loved her enough, and told her how miserable his life in prison was without money. It WORKED too. He never gave up.
Changing our ENTIRE SOCIAL PROGRAMMING and behavior associated with it, is a DIFFICULT Task, and sometimes we, like an alcoholic, will “fall off the wagon” but we have to get back up, brush ourselves off, and GET BACK ON THE WAGON.
Healing isn’t a “destination” but an ONGOING PROCESS, day by day, instant by instant AND WE MUST CONTINUE AS LONG AS WE LIVE or we will fall right back into another “stress trap” and get our fix of adrenaline. Yes, I too like “exciting adventurous” men and my husband was one without being a Psychopath, but those men are few and far between so I am no longer “looking” actively for the “next one” but enjoying my freedom from relationships right now. If one were to come along, I might take it, but you know, it isn’t a priority now because I know that there would be so much stress and energy used, that right now I honestly feel I need for MYSELF ALONE.
Making allocations of energy and strength on a logical basis to nurture myself and take care of myself is becoming easier. I am less “guilt”-driven to do this or that “because that’s just what you do.” But it does take energy to think through “everyday” things to find out what is right, what is healthy, and before I started to change my outlook, these things didn’t take energy to decide, I just did them on auto-pilot. That’s what parental programming does for us, it puts us on autopilot, but sometimes if it isn’t good programming we get into a world of hurt following those implanted precepts and don’t even realize WHY.
That is one reason I like the bloggers on here is that people are abstract thinkers, not just concrete thinkers. We must in our healing move from the concrete to the abstract in order to grow. All the bull crap is mulched down and composted and becomes great fertilizer to nourish our growth!!! TOWANDA!!!
HH,
the amount of time we stayed isn’t as significant as knowing we need to get out. for me it was 2 years and a year recovering. I think we WILL be stronger, not without this slow recovery.
I do think I need to be both patient in healing but also mindful af the time I do spend sometimes thinking about the horrible things he did and said. its odd though….. a year later and I’m still having those moments where I’m figuring somethin out or realizing another lie.
I can’t help but think every lie had a motive aside from some benefit to him. but maybe its as simple as his pleasure in pulling one over on me. maybe that’s where my obsessing needs to end ?
Hey LF – the “figuring out something” or “realizing another lie” has been happening to me a lot lately too. It’s not like I’m searching for it…….it just comes to me. Like I was remembering last September he referred to my rear with a spanish term – and I was surprised, as he had never done so before. I remember saying to him “Why did you just say, that, you have never used that term before?” and his reply was: “Oh in High school we said that all the time.” High School? That was almost 30 years ago. But I accepted it and let it go.
He was having sex with a woman at work from Brazil.
These things come back to me now. I think its my brain presenting all this data that I knew….but wouldn’t acknowledge in the past. Just another time when I felt suspicious, things didn’t add up – but I let it go.
But when I felt doubt, I would think “Oh, he couldn’t possibly be having an affair when he insisted on moving in with me three weeks ago. When he asked me to marry him a week ago. No way.”
One incident like that is understandable, but there was seriously like one every day. And they’re coming back to me now. I hate it. But I guess its something my brain has to process and get rid of. This stuff is even coming into my dreams.
And, yes, I think that is key – being patient with the recovery. I have repeatedly tried to “speed up” the process and will myself to feel better. I didn’t want him to take up one more moment of my life. I became much more athletic, started hanging out with some new folks, going out, planning a trip to Europe with a girlfriend, took an evening class, took on more work at work……but I think in keeping myself busy, I just postponed the pain.
Not that I wasn’t miserable during that time – I was. I was miserable while doing things that should have been pleasant. And I almost came to tears several times in my class.
So many things in Europe made me think of him – even though there was no connection. Just that I was there was the connection.
I guess I’m going through the grieving process. And it has gotten better. It actually doesn’t hurt as much now as it did months ago. Maybe that’s why my mind is letting me remember things now – because I’m stronger and not in as much pain.
Oh, and I finally had to change my phone number – and that helped. Just knowing he has no way to reach me really helps.
Oxy,
You can tide your “jackass” and I can drive my corroded salt water eaten Honda wielding tubes of expired sunscreen to spray in their eyes! HAHA! That is so silly! Hey Buddy, I have a rolled up Yoga mat in my truck and I am not afraid to use it! Just kidding!
At my new job we talk about how “wraparound” process is like have the Verizon network behind you.. That is what LF is like too… a gigantic network of people behind you… supporting you through the process of healing.
Can you hear me now? Good.
Aloha!
Dear Aloha,
You are beginning tomake me envious! I have always used and thought in analogies but yours are SOOOOOO GOOOD! I’m beginning to feel second rate! LOL Joking! But yours are good, I like the LOVE FRAUD NETWORK too, I can just visualize all you guys standing behind me waving bottles of toilet cleaner, plungers, skillets, oven cleaner, baseball bats, hockey sticks, riding mopeds, jackasses, beat up hondas, scooters, Harleys, etc. What a group!!! ROTFLMAO
And I DO feel like I have a network behind me., because there is always someone to say “chirp up or I’ll BOINK you!” or “There, there, poor baby, it will be okay” (whichever is the appropriate level of “support” for that day’s problem!!)
LF was great when I came here but I have seen it EVOLVE during the time I have been here (which is quite some time for you and me, Aloha) and it just gets better and better.
I do notice some people who come and go and I wonder what happened to them…how their story is going. Did they go back to him? Did they find a new good guy? Did they find a new P?
I can’t imagine leaving here without saying a “goodbye” and then checking in once in a while to see how things have changed and if my old buddies are still here etc. and what new and great articles there are. Yea, I am addicted to the people here, but I don’t think that is a bad thing at all. I can look back at some of my (as Jane says) PEEPS on here and see that they came here 6-8-10 months ago BASKET cases and now they are some of the greatest supports for newbies that come here.
Anytime I feel down I can come here for a cyberhug and some good support, or there is always someone in as bad a shape as I am feeling at that time, and I try to reach a cyber hand out to them, and that makes me feel good as well.
Thanks, my wonderful friend, Aloha, for your wisdom and support and for sharing this healing journey with us all ((((HUGS)))) and you are always in my prayers.
Pardon me for intruding on the excellent conversation going on ^^ there.
I’m feeling…fiery today and wanted to share my thoughts with the LF community aka tribe.
I think it sort of ties into what Matt so eloquently professed regarding his righteous and beneficial anger.
Here’s my daily mantra for you guys:
I REFUSE to allow anyone to abuse me in any way, shape, or form ever again!
I REFUSE to shut my mouth and squelch my fury when contronted with abuse, for me and others!
I REFUSE to sacrifice my own individual identity, my thoughts, my ideas/ideals, my opinions, my beliefs in a foolish effort to placate, pacify another human being!
I REFUSE to listen to any thinly veiled criticsm, and/or unsolicited advice from any person ever again. I will ignore and walk away!
I REFUSE to accept responsibility for another person’s screw-ups, mentally damaged words, actions, and behaviors. Not my problem, it’s THEIRS!
I REFUSE to tolerate immature, insecure, self-absorbed, pity-party whining by anyone ever again!
I REFUSE to dismiss the warning signs my beloved intuition protectively sends to me in a dire or future dire situation. It could literally save my life!
If any of you wish to add more, I would gladly read them.
And cheer with joy and triumph, though you won’t see me…haha.
Right back at ya, Oxy! Right back at ya!