Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
Dear Janie!!! RIGHT ON!!! Those are wonderful boundaries and we should all emulate them!
I REFUSE to be either victim, persecutor or rescuer!
TOWANDA!!!
keeping_faith:
“My questions are: Do they do these things on purpose, knowing they will hurt others? Do they do it strictly to gain attention bad or good? Do they just do what they want when they want it, not caring how bad it looks for them or how it will affect others? Is it the anger that motivates them to do these things? Or is it simply their own pleasure?”
God, aren’t those the questions? I spent the better part of my relationship with S asking those questions, and still, on occasion ask them.
When I read so many of LoveFraud bloggers stories, I think “any half-wit would have seen how good they had it with (fill in your name). Why the hell would he/she do what they did?” And then the answer comes to me.
I really to think sociopaths, in general, have all the foresight of a crack addict. In the end, They don’t think long-term. They are not “big picture guys.”
Oh, I know there are people on here who have been/were involved with an S for decades. But at the end, when I look at the S’s behavior, I’m always struck by the fact that if the S were a little bit smarter, had thrown just a bit more our way, they could have kept the gravy train rolling.
In the case of my S, if he had bothered to look a little bit into the future, he would have seen that I was prepared to offer him a very good life –the kind of life he said he wanted.
Instead, he was willing to tank it all for the 10 grand back rent he thought he could bleed out of me. If he had been smart he would have realized his MO wasn’t working and have changed tactics.
But, sociopaths aren’t that smart. S didn’t get the 10 grand from me. I didn’t marry him. He’s living in a tenement and once again facing eviction. I guess in his book he won. Some win, huh?
Kathleen’s got it right. For the first time in my life I’m focusing on me. I’ve finally come to realize that I do have a life. It’s still a work in progress. But, I have a great apartment, friends and family who love me, my health and a few bucks in the bank.
Since I don’t have to expend all my energy worrying about S and his motivations, I actually have the energy to make the changes I want to. That’s such a gift — a gift no sociopath will ever get.
Good ONE, Oxy!! *High five, 2 snaps and hip bump*
Ooh….here’s another I just thought of:
I REFUSE to play or be “nice” when confronted/accosted with bigotry, racism, masogyny, misanthropy, xenophobia, garden-variety ignorance or just plain run-o-the-mill stupidity!
YOU CAN CALL ME MISS BITCH!!!
Matt and Keeping_Faith,
I just think they are wired for cruelty. Bad Man did so many things that were so inappropriate. I don’t think they were accidental but I will say this, they were bizare and childish.
He seemed to rewrite his dating profile after each encounter with someone new and consequential breakdown. Early on, I called him “Sweetie Babe.” When he got mad at me, he was ALWAYS back in Match within the hour. I would still be reeling from his latest attack when suddenly, I got the impluse to check Match.com and sure enough ” ONLINE NOW!” And he quickly changed his profile to say he wanted to be someone’s “Sweetie Babe.” I remember saying to my housemate, “WHO DOES THAT?!”
Let me think now… you know maybe he didn’t do that to hurt me. He just doesn’t know what is so not cool in an ordinary person’s eyes… the things that regular ppl just don’t do.
The reader whose Bad Man likes Hawaii… so he takes each new lady to Hawaii… makes sense. Perhaps he doesn’t get the hurt because he doesn’t have the emotional connection to the moment. He just likes Hawaii… and since we are interchangeable.. who cares? Right?
Still, there were things that Bad Man said that were INSANELY CRUEL…. and I don’t think they were accidental. They were meant to pierce my heart and knock the air out of me.. and they did.
So, do they do the cruel things they do on purpose? Yes and no. Bad Man knew how to cut me to the core when he wanted to… and at times, he just did what he did and it hurt me deeply… but perhaps he was just doing what he does.
I don’t think I answered the question.
I changed my mind.
I think they do what the do on purpose because no one else has ever accidentally hurt me THAT BAD. If his hurtful accidents were unintentional, my did he have perfect accidental aim.
aloha,
perfectly stated. I recall LONG before I knew what I was dealing with or that there was a category for it……. I told him that I feel like he breathes life into me and within seconds, he slits my throat.
I realize now that he probably LOVED hearing that, knowing he had that control or affect on me (of course he did want me to believe that he worked for the NSA and killed seven people)…..also, every time he was annoyed, pissed, angry for any little reason, he was on the phone in minutes with stripper girl. You know, the one I found him in bed with, who he slept with because he was sure I was cheating on him…… you know the one he would never have “that kind”of relationship with because he didn’t want to take care of someone on welfare or take care of her illegitimate kids….. you know the one who keeps getting evicted because she doesn’t pay her rent…… yea that one that he took on MY vacation who is now living in the home I built with him…….perfect accidental aim !!!! I think I just threw up in my mouth a little !
Dear Keeping faith,
FORGIVE YOURSELF for being so gullible! If there is any BOINKING on here it will be me and my skillet, you quit beating yourself up!!! RAT NOW! (that’s southern for “Right now”) LOL
I don’t think thre was anyone here who was more into self flagilation for stupidity than I was! Forgiving myself and to quit feeling the shame, stupidity and guilt was the hardest part I think of the healing process early on and until I consciously thought about it and did it, I was STUCK and not progressing with the healing!
((((BIG HIUGS)))))
I don’t think it was stupidity–it was blindness because we had learned to be blind to some trauma in our childhood in order to survive. I think I learned to believe what I was told instead of what I saw. Because what I saw was the two adults taking care of me also whipping me for silly reasons and imposing strict rules that basically broke my spirit. In addition, my teachers were very strict and imposed severe rules “for my own good”.
What I saw as I was growing up was not good–it was harmful to me but of course I didn’t realize that. The Betrayal Bond taught me that I denied the trauma or repressed it or normalized it and “believed” what my parents, the church, and my strict Catholic nun teachers told me.
I think that’s why I was blind to bad behavior and instead believed “good” (but not true) words.
Dear Pearl,
I agree it was not stupidity, but I FELT LIKE I had done “stupid” things…and I beat MYSELF up for doing them.
I asked myself 1000 times “How could I be so stupid?” You are right, I was BLIND, not stupid, and quite frankly I have not encountered even ONE “stupid” person here on this blog.
You are also right Pearl about believning what you were told instead of what you saw…we are told that our senses are not valid and that we cannot perceive “reality” by ourselves.
What we see is “not the way it is” (we are told) and what we feel is not “important”–twists the heck out of what is real and what is not, I think at least.
I’m validating my own reality now, and giving importance to what I feel, think, and decide. I feel sometimes like I hve been in an “emotional wheel chair” my entire life, not realizing I had legs or could walk—and I intend to keep on “stepping” and hope to eventually RUN! Good article, BTW, pearl! Thanx! (((hugs))))
Perfect Accidental Aim
This is where they act like it was just luck that they ripped your heart out… and besides, it’s your fault for being so sensitve and for using the key they gave you.
Oh the silly things they make up.
This reminds me of when it was my fault that the girls at the Group Home got caught with a 20 year old street kid… a man.. in their closet. It was my fault because I didn’t knock before entering their room (oh, but I did!). It wasn’t their fault that they pulled him in the side window.
It’s funny how I laugh at these teenage girls and yet I had the same kind of crazy-ass circular arguements with the Bad Man and I doubted myself. Why? I don’t know… must have been the heavy FOG in Hawaii. Hawaii is known for fog, ya know. NOT!
oxdrover,
thanks for the gentle skillet upside the head. I guess we all need that once in a while and I do have to stop beating myself up. I guess that’s why I don’t need someone standing in front of me or leavind a thousand messages telling me I am an insane slut bitch. LOL.
I DO need to conscioously make the effort to move this healing ahead and make his behavior insignificant and start making my future more important.
By the way my three years in VA hav taught me what ” RAT NOW” MEANS. I love it. thanks again for your support.