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By | January 25, 2013 23 Comments

Emotional versus sentimental in dealing with psychopaths

By Joyce Alexander RNP (retired)

Back when I was a teenager, I had an opportunity to travel to Africa, where I met a man who was to become world famous, and was almost single handedly responsible for the saving of both the black and white rhinos, Dr. Ian Player (the brother of golfer Gary Player.) Recently, the belief of rhino horn as a “cure all” has gotten to where the price for a single horn can top $400,000. This has caused the poaching of these wonderful animals, which still number less than 5,000 black rhinos and about 21,000 white rhinos, most of them located in South Africa.

I feel very privileged to have known Dr. Player when he was simply “Ian” in a pair of green parks department uniform shorts, with a wonderful library of African history in his home that he freely shared with a very young and very green little girl from Arkansas. I have also been privileged to know “Dr. Player” a very wise mentor who has loved me all these years.

Dr. Player and I have stayed in touch by e-mail for the past 15 or so years (isn’t the Internet wonderful folks!), and though he is now nearly blind and very frail, he still writes and speaks about his passion, the rhino. He recently sent me a copy of an article that quoted him:

Ilegal poaching and the endangered rhino, on Condé Nast Traveler.

In the article, Dr. Player talks about how he is emotional about the salvation of his beloved rhinos, but he is not sentimental. WOW! I thought “How profound!” As Dr. Player points out in the article, while the embargo on selling horn may be “sentimentally” right, the sentiment is killing rhinos as more and more are slaughtered to meet the high dollar demand for the rare horn. But if all the stored up horn were dumped on the market, it would meet the demand for product and bring down the price and stop the slaughter. (It would be hoped, anyway.)

Results of sentimentality

Well, what, you may ask, does that have to do with psychopaths?

Our emotions are bound up with the psychopaths in our lives. In some cases our DNA is shared with these people as well. But we must not let the sentimentality of the situation overcome us. We can maintain our passion, our emotional response, but we still have to do what it takes to handle the situation in a realistic manner and not be overcome by sentimentality.

If you were here a few years back, you may have heard me rant about the “no horse slaughter” bill passed as an add-on to a Senate bill that forbade the slaughter of horses by USDA for human consumption. The people who pushed this bill through had the greatest of intentions (and we all know what the road to hell is paved with), because they loved horses. They did not really take into consideration what the real life result of their sentimental law.

In 2007, 100,000 horses in the US were processed into meat. They were old horses, horses who were injured and unable to be ridden, horses with bad dispositions, and just horses that should never have been bred. Each one is 800 to 1200 pounds of meat on the hoof, just like my cows, and the meat is prized in many countries. It takes between $1,000 and $3,000 per year to feed and vet a horse. So multiply those 100,000 horses by say even $1,500, and you’ve got a substantial amount of cost to care for horses that have no use or worth.

So what happened when the “market” price for these 100,000 horses went from 75 cents per pound for meat to $5 per head? People turned their unwanted horses loose in the national forest to starve, or out on the roadways to be hit by cars. Then after the ban went into effect, a new market niche developed where these horses were now rounded up by dealers, put on trucks and shipped to Mexico for Mexico’s version of “humane” slaughter.

The unintended consequence of the sentimental decision to outlaw the humane processing of horses for meat for human consumption was that more horses suffered much worse deaths than a stun gun. I have personally bred animals (cattle) for beef, and there is no one who is more passionate or emotional about the care and keeping of her animals than I am. I accompanied my animals to the USDA slaughter facility and stayed there with them so they would not be afraid. And God help the stockyard yahoo who tried to use an electric cattle prod on my animals! I was very emotional about my animals, but I was not sentimental.

Sentimental about psychopaths

Unfortunately, where it came to my family members, I clung to the sentimentality of dysfunction. With my animals, I wanted them treated well, but at the same time, if an animal was wild, aggressive or tried to hurt me, I had no problem with sentimentality, I sent it to the butcher on the next truck! But not so with my family members who gored me!

I never had a problem setting boundaries for my oxen, and I stayed alpha in the pack of collies. If an ox even touched me with a horn (this is a real “no no” for a lower member of the bovine herd to do to a superior member who will respond with force) I had to respond immediately and with enough force to make them remember that I was the boss. It isn’t really very smart to sentimentally let a 2,000-pound animal be the boss or even think they might want to try to be. It also isn’t very smart to sentimentally allow a spouse or other abuser continue to use and abuse you, no matter how much you love them.

We may be very emotional about our situations, we may be emotionally devastated by what has happened to us as a result of what the psychopath has done in our lives, but we can’t afford to be sentimental about it. We have to make reasonable and rational decisions, devoid of sentimentality, about what to do to “fix ourselves” and “fix” our situations.

That may mean leaving in the middle of the night with a suitcase and our purses, or it may mean any number of decisions that we may not have even considered before. It may mean finding new homes our dog or cat because we can’t take them with us, or it may mean a divorce when we took vows that we meant “for better of worse, til death do us part.” It may mean going no contact with our parents, sibs, lovers, husbands, wives, children or friends.

We may be very emotional about some of these decisions, but we can’t afford to be sentimental. We have to do what we have to do.


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slimone

This was one of THE biggest lessons for me, from my spath-encounter. I had always been very sentimental, living in kind of a dream-state around ‘love’ and ‘romance’, etc…..

I continued this well into my adult years. And I think it was a real ‘attracter’ for the disordered people I let into my life. I think they likely sensed that I would glady ride off with them into their ‘delusional sunset’. They pegged me, quite rightly, as a sentimental ‘fool’, a love junkie.

I know when I finally was able to separate my emotions from a more sentimental viewpoint I was able to use my emotions to my benefit, instead of feeling this incredible emotional burden- that seemed to confound the situation.

Sorrow was transformed into real pain. Longing into true revulsion. Anger was not sadness and depression. My feelings became assets, not liabilities.

This was something I was not able to do in childhood, because I had no recourse. Feeling my anger, my pain, my revulsion was punished. I think, for me, this is when I learned to be sentimental. It was one of the ways I learned to soften, and ‘escape’, the reality of my family’s abuse.

Taking ‘back’ our emotions is empowering.

xo, Slim

Really excellent article, Oxy. Sentimentality is, in a sense, a wallowing in emotions, rather than using the emotions to direct our reason.

It would be a good exercise to watch ourselves and see when sentimentality is getting the best of us.

I know my spath liked to wallow in his fake emotions. It was part of his performance and it was meant to draw me in to the drama, so that I would be vulnerable to acting irrationally.

Ox Drover

Sky, I have seen so many people who were “sentimental” over a suffering animal that the person couldn’t bring themselves to put down and end its suffering….but I also admit to doing exactly the same thing with RELATIONSHITS that were totally dysfunctional and the “suffering individual” was myself, but I just could not bring myself to quit being “sentimental” about the situation and ACT rationally, sensibly, and reasonably and put the relationshit “down.”

That may not mean though that you don’t mourn that poor dead relationship, but at least if you are out of it you can heal. (I guess I am “mixing metaphors” here a bit.)

Truthspeak

Joyce, this is an article that I have needed to read for MONTHS. Thank you, THANK you.

Grieving is “normal” when something is lost. I never even considered sentimentality being a factor in recovery until this very moment.

PRECISELY what I needed to read, at precisely the exact moment that I needed to read it.

Brightest and most sincere blessings

Ox Drover

Truthy, you are very welcome. Isn’t it amazing how so many times the thing we need (in an article) just “pops up” on LF? LOL

I got that e mailed article yesterday from Dr. Player and when I read it it was an AH HA moment for me as we ll. I realized how many times sentimentality gets in the way of rational action. In many aspects of our lives….in laws passed like the “horse meat” ban which resulted in much more suffering for more and more horses instead of what was intended.

I also realized that I who THOUGHT myself unsentimental, was in fact, in many IMPORTANT ASPECTS of my life totally guilty of the same kind of sentimental, well-intentioned bad decisions.

It was a definite “ah ha” moment for me as well.

Oxy,
Thank you for posting your story about Dr Player and the part sentimentality plays in keeping us in a bad situation.It’s oh so true,but often it does take an ah-ha moment,so long after we should have done something!That sentimentality nearly killed me!

ValleyGirl

Thanks Oxy, your timing for this article is perfect. “family members who gored me” is what I have been dealing with in the spath’s wake of destruction, and when I thought it couldn’t get worse it did. I am left betrayed and bereft by those I expected to love and support me, including my best friend of 17 years, 2 other close friends, my brother, and most painfully my mother. No one but other LoveFraud survivors would believe the sick and twisted sequence of events that has occurred in the past 2 years, much of it involving interrelationships between the above people. I am emotionally devastated, but not sentimental about limiting/eliminating exposure to their toxic presence in my life.

Ox Drover

Valleygirl, it is important that we not allow “sentimentality” over anything to make our decisions for us.

I see it in so many instances, not only the ban on horses for meat, but in people who will keep a dog that is suffering terribly alive because they are too sentimental to take a logical and rational decision for the poor suffering animal.

I see it in wives who stay with abusive husbands because of the sentimental attachment of their vows…even though they and their kids are being damaged daily.

I have a friend who has a criminal son and she is still trying to believe that if she prays hard enough he will not go back to prison. He has been out a total of 2 weeks between arrests for years. She can’t let go. She isn’t doing him any good but she is hurting herself every day.

Just because we share DNA does not give a person a pass to abuse us or use us, and we can’t let that sentimental attachment to our biological family keep us in the cycle of abuse.

I know the emotional devastation, Valley girl, been there/am there and have little to no contact with anyone with whom I share DNA…and have also thinned out my rolodex until it isn’t very big any more. Lots of “friends” were not friends, and that hurts too.

ValleyGirl

Oxy,
Even before the spath I knew to some degree that I was somewhat “damaged” and came to learn post-spath how my spath uncle affected my childhood and into my 20’s. It has come as more of a surprise to me to learn how unhealthy nearly all of my relationships have been, not just “romantic” relationships, but with my family and friends as well. Out of love and a misplaced sense of loyalty (on my part) I hung in for far longer than was good for me. Though I have moved on from the spath, the ripple effect goes on and it has been much more difficult to move on from people who have been in my circle for such a long time. On a side note, the former best friend was bi-polar, which I never before considered a factor while we were friends (i knew she was bossy and demanding but thought “that’s just how she is” and her command/authority played into my need for an older sister/mother figure) but wonder now if her diagnosis formed her personality, do you know much about that? I suppose if I was vulnerable to the spath then I was vulnerable to other unhealthy people as well. Right now is such a time of great sadness for me as the losses continue to pile up, most recently the estrangement from my mother and brother, neither of whom have acted maliciously but still their actions and lack of understanding have caused great pain and led me to put considerable distance between us. It’s total self-preservation and certainly justified!

Ox Drover

Valley girl,

People who are psychopathic are also frequently bi-polar as well. Even Bi=polar alone can cause problems with a person’s personality and behavior especially if untreated or poorly treated, but with your friend being “bossy” it sounds to me like bi-polar or not, psychopathic or not, she was not a good friend and the relationship while it might have met a need at that time in your life for a mother/big sister role, is not a healthy one.

It sounds as if your family of origin relationships are not healthy as well. Even your mother and brother are not actively abusing you for them to not be supportive is very painful I am sure.

Yes, when we have a horrible P-spath experience once we LEARN about them, and then start to LEARN ABOUT OURSELVES there is a RIPPLE effect with ALL other relationships in our lives, and as we start to get HEALTHY ourselves we have to cut these unhealthy relationships out of our lives, and sometimes these are the people we grew up with, or share DNA with, or have been close “friends” for a long time, but we can no longer tolerate people who are not healthy relationships.

I call it “peeling the onion” in layers and as we peel down one layer of understanding and get to the next layer and so on, but eventually we come to a much more healthy level. It is work to STAY at that healthy level too, I will tell you that. It isn’t just about “getting healed” and everything is lovely from then on, we have to continually WORK at keeping ourselves healthy.

Lillian

Oxy where are you? Are you alright? It’s me Lillian. I’ve been having a very low period again so I was off the site. I came to look for you, louise and a few others that I got to know the past couple of years and none of you seem to be here. Let me know if you’re okay. Love Lillian

fixerupper

Thanks for the article, Ox Drover.

Sentimentality seems to be ingrained in me from my family.
It’s not all bad and it serves a purpose.

I remember my Mom listening to an ethnic radio show every weekend that had an ‘obituaries’ segment. The sound of the mournful tolling bell would precede the ‘death rollcall’ -which was then followed by cheery upbeat dancing music!!

When I reminisce with friends and family about folks that have ‘passed on’ or about an event – it keeps the ‘oral history’ alive for the next generation.

Now, I think that because I live and work in the same area as my ex-gf I cannot help but experience ‘triggering’ moments almost every day. Our association spanned just shy of 2 years but, it was intense at times, with many revelations, epiphanies and moments of sharing and expunging inner feelings. And, it had an enormous impact on my life. But, in the end, all of that and I, were thrown out like trash. Discarded.

I imagine that for people that spent 5, 10, or 20 years and more with someone – it is much tougher.

Is this feeling because of my ‘sentimental’ nature?

Whenever I look at my son I see his Mom. I often think of old friends and relationships – but I get a chuckle and feel a smile. I especially miss one woman, ‘A’, who proposed to me! It caught me off guard and I didn’t know what to say. Well, she moved and we have had no contact. Oh, how I look forward to talking with her again! And, I know that it will be fun and amicable!

Last night I dreamt of a dear friend that I dated many years ago. Gonna write her an email in a few minutes to share the dream with her.

There was another woman I dated for over two years – but we still communicate and care about each other. But we saw how our career and life ‘paths’ were not merging but leading in dramatically different directions. If we had stayed together one of us would have lost out on some great opportunities.
She got to work with Pavarotti and I have a wonderful, amazing son – just to mention a couple of ‘things.’

I write these things because I see such a stark contrast between what the spathic ex-gf left me with and what every other relationship left me with. I believe that even the woman that I dated /lived with for several years and who cheated on me, twice (That I know of.), did not leave me feeling such confusion and in such emotional disarray.

This is the fallout of the ‘crazymaking,’ projection, gaslighting, hypocrisy and deceit from this recent ‘disordered one.’ And yet, I still feel for her and pray for her and wish I had the answers to her behaviour! Maybe I AM nuts! &:( (Pretzel brain symbolism.)

(BTW I knew folks with your surname from east Texas. Don’t know if that is your family or ‘married’ name. Anyhoo…this blog does not seem to have a mechanism for sharing ‘PM’s’ – and that may be a good thing. But just wonderin’. Oops! Am I being sentimental?)

Ox Drover

Fixer, it’s my married name, and though I married again after I was divorced from Alexander, I kept the name professionally as all my licenses etc were in that name.

Yes, the break ups from non P folks may be somewhat painful but they are not devastating like the Ps.

And yes, sometimes life paths don’t allow a relationship to continue in a “forever after” pattern, but still we can part friends. Not so with the Ps.

Being sentimental in some circumstances is a good thing I think, and telling stories for the next generation I think is a good thing, it is HISTORY, of our family, of our ethnic group. But hanging on to a relationship that is abusive because of sentimental reasons is not productive.

I’m “sentimental” too, keeping family heirlooms of no “value” other than to me, letters written long ago, old furniture that belonged to my grandparents, and a BOX OF ROCKS that I picked up here and there in my travels…small odd rocks, but lots of them. Each one holding a memory. An odd shaped piece of drift wood sits on my shelf and I have a pleasant memory each time I look at it. But while they are a pain to dust holding on to those things gives me comfort. But I did learn when I had to leave my house and flee for my life that I can live without any of those things, I can leave them behind if I must and still be OK.

aussiegirl

Hey Oxy – when is Patrick’s parole hearing? xxx

Barb

Some of us don’t have the luxury of separating sentiment and emotion. I choose to stay with my spouse, even though I know he is sick. The bare fact of the matter is that I will not do any better anywhere else…and he is a partner in my life’s journey with me.

He has other redeeming qualities.

As far as animals are concerned…it is always difficult to know what to do. I could never part with my cats, even if it meant a lesser lifestyle for me. No landlord could ever force the issue. Where I am…so will be my cats.

It sounds like some of you give up too easily. Maintain your precious emotions/sentiments…or leave them behind…I know where I stand. And no simple “touch of a horn” to my body (as in the case of your cattle) would elicit a response in me that I am the “superior being”. That is garbage. If you really love animals, you know they are “superior” beings in that they never stop loving…they can fear…but never lose their capacity for love.

Totally disagree with you on that one.

Ox Drover

Hey, Aussie Girl, his parole “hearing” is coming up soon. The 3 member board only ONE will actually look at the “paper work” on him, soo unless the victim’s parents request to speak to the board the actually isn’t any kind of “hearing” like before the board. It is really a misnomer, but it must be done sometime between August and December this year so I am gettting things together for my attorney.,

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN MY DEAR!!!!!! I have missed your sage wit and good advice. Catch us old timers up on what has been happening to you.

Babs, your choices are yours to make. Te REASON behind responding to even a touch with a horn is that in the “pecking order” of the herd, if they test you by a touch, and get away with iit, the next time it is a shove, and the next time the horn may go through your gut. In order to be safe, you must be the “alpha” in a language they can understand. Any large animal be it horse, donkey or oxen who would deliberately try to hurt me or be unreliable was put down, not sold to some other unsuspecting person. While I AM very emotional about my animals and their health and well being, I am not sentimental. Even with my dogs and cats, my safety and health comes before theirs.

While I agree with you that SOME animals do indeed “love” you, dogs for example, and cats maybe, but many even domestic animals while they may be “tame” (to some level) do not “love” you, but actually submit to your alpha status so do not try to hurt you.

Ian’s rhinos are a perfect example…as are most wild animals.

aussiegirl

Hi Ox (and Hens and Star and EB and Sky and Aloha etc. etc)

I will write to your silly parole people – the more the merrier, hey? Surely to goodness these people must see some sense?

I am quite well and life for the past year or so has certainly been very calm compared to the 5 years (no, make that 12 years) before that. Despite my fears and those of the police, Superspath appears to have kept his distance since killing poor little Blanche. The whole-of-yard surveillance system has thankfully recorded nothing more than the grass growing and the animals doing what animals do. I am tempted to say that it was a waste of money but I know that that is not strictly true, and although I am way more relaxed these days, I am still careful and cautious.

There was one encounter, about 4 months back, where his vehicle pulled out in front of mine on a lonely stretch of country road early one morning and stayed just in front of me for the 30km trip to my destination that day, but I managed to lose him when I turned off the highway and into another small town. The funny thing about it was, he was so very NOT on my mind that I actually tootled along for about 7kms wondering, “Why is that person in front of me driving so slowly in a 110km zone?” LOL!!! I was in no huge hurry that day but after a while I got a wee bit frustrated with how slow the front vehicle was driving and I was thinking about overtaking him when the penny suddenly dropped….it had been rattling around in my brain for a while screaming for some acknowledgment and when I looked properly at the colour, make, model and number plate of the vehicle, it all hit me at once and I almost threw up in my own lap with the shock of it.

I would drop back and then he would drop back and match my speed again. I didn’t dare overtake as I thought he was likely to run me off the road if I did so I just tried to stay calm and eventually shook him off. Problem was, I could hardly go to the cops and say that he had followed me, because HIS was the car in front and mine was the car behind. Apart from that though, there’s been nothing.

I went back to my regular hours at work, I’m still not enjoying the best of health but am managing the fibromyalgia quite well now. The PTSD rarely rears its ugly head anymore.

I studied and completed a Diploma in Community Services last year and I am now looking for new and different work whilst I am on several months’ Long Service Leave, so that I don’t have to go back to working under my two spathy bosses where I have worked for the past 9 years. Fresh start and all that jazz.

Life is busy but in a much calmer and slower way than before; normal feels good. Until I was there again, I had forgotten what normal felt like – and I had also forgotten how many years it had been since I had had me some “normal”. Really nothing too exciting to report – and I like it like that!

The zoo is fine also – any recent deaths have been from natural causes and although it makes me sad to lose any of them, at least I am not on high alert and expecting a massacre scene whenever I return home now.

How is everyone else?
xxxxx

Delta1

Hello everyone. Haven’t posted here in a good long while, but I keep up with the site because as time goes by I seem to become more and more aware of how for some reason I am on a collision course with spaths, paths and the whole rainbow of Personality Disorders.

Firstly hi to Oxy who has been very kind to me in the past. Great to see you still supporting the LF community.

Since I orginally posted, life has really become so much better in so many ways and I think that is important for people to hear in so much as I recovered financially – yay! I bought my own house and got a better paid job and repaired my credit and got some animals to take care – who are obviously my darlings.

But one thing disturbs me somewhat – which is that when I found out about spaths – I really thought that this would be the end of it somehow, that I would now see the signs and be able to eliminate these types of people from my life. As I got on my feet however, I’m afraid I became a very juicy target again. More lessons to learn

Since 2010 when I first contacted the site (about a nasty cheating lying ex-boyf – a narc definitely)-things have become even more dark and dense in many ways.

Mainly because – I was targetted, and failed to protect myself from ‘another one’. This one much, much worse than the last one.

The new one was an ‘artist’ that I met through friends of friends. He targetted me and the wierd thing is that although I knew I was being targetted, I lacked the strength to ward him off.

I had experienced the death of my father not very long before, and I was pretty low with this loss.

I felt the spath target me and I was so low in energy that I thought ‘oh well – whatever, he certainly ain’t gonna find what he’s looking for but I lack the energy even to tell him to get lost’.

The first 2 months I wasn’t completely sure. He seemed like a nice enough guy in some respects. Funny, good-looking, articulate, charming, observant. A very talented artist – clearly a bit lost, no apparent income, no apparent home, hard luck story and ‘falling in and out’ with people including his family. But somehow I was just ‘too tired to say no’.

I foolishly agreed to let him stay on my couch for 2 weeks and give him a very small loan, ‘just until he could rent somewhere himself’………………….6 months later you get the picture. I was subject to full on spath mode:

-Death threats
-Suicide threat
-Petty theft
-Continual verbal abuse
-Financial abuse – of him living off me like a tick
-Witnessed him physically assault his mother
-Witnessed him physically assault his father
-Witnessed him physically assault a neighbour
-Listened (though did not believe) his constant lies, lies, lies
-Slept with him on a few occassion to ‘shut him up’ more than anything.
-Sleep Deprivation
-Strangulation
– Lived in fear due to his real threats to hurt my beloved cat
-Blackmail through going through my stuff and threatening to tell my work about my historic drug addiction ( I work in the family courts and stuff like that is a career killer potentially)
-Hyperviglience and fear
-Toxic shame

In the end, after 8 months of complete madness and mayhem – it took at least 25 call outs to the local police to get rid of him for good. I was not popular with my neighbours. The unenlighted asked me ‘why do you let him stay?’ on several occassions (grrrrrrrrrr- lol;)Don’t they understand I asked him to leave everyday – he just wasn’t prepared to be told to leave!

(BTW – I would like to take a minute to say thanks to the local police – as they never, ever shamed me or made me feel like the situation was my fault. They took a while to arrest and ultimately grant police bail conditions for him not to contact me, but they were very, very kind thank goodness- anyway I digress).

Anyway – I’m not sure why the word ‘sentimentality’ is such a trigger today – but for me I relate my ability to tolerate abuse to my being ‘oversentimental’ – i.e give me a good enough back story -i.e 21st Centuary Vincent Van Gogh – and I’m still a sucker for a spathy personality!

Don’t do it – don’t fall for the pity play. At first you feel sentimental and all full of ‘ahhh’ by the end you become a raging lunatic yersel’ – whatever it takes just to get rid of the ass*oles.

Delta

Ox Drover

Delta, glad you got it and glad you are away from this lunatic! stay safe.

Oxy,
It’s good to see you!How have you been doing?

Delta1

Thanx Oxy. This last one has left me dog-tired and a little depressed to be honest. I am quite curled up in my house where I feel safe and no-one can bother me for now. U take care of hairy ass and badass – lol.

seekeroflight

I needed to read this for so many reasons. Thank you.

Sophia

I couldn’t find an area to post this comment/story, but I knew I would not be able to sleep if I didn’t speak in this.
As of last night, I made a decision I hope I never regret. I had to go “No Comtact” with my ex-husband. I don’t know if there are steps you should take, just do it or work your way up to this.
Well basically it started 2 days ago when we left a bar-b-que at a friends house. I sress early because normallyy we don’t leave before 2 a.m. That night we left atound 10 p.m. ehich I dodn’t care because I’m still trying to tecover from gallbladder removal surgery. Well my son was super angry. My ex said that his stomach didn’t feel right. I know that it was an excuse and not a very good one. He wanted to leave because he was not the center of attebtion st this party. Matter of fact, he looked like the preverbial child in the corner only he was sitting all alone at this long pic-nic table. Our son and myself were the sttention hogs and nnot purposely. I had my place at the table discussing compartisons of surgery and my son was discussing movies with the guys. As we approach 10 p.m. he is gearing up to leave. I went around saying my goodbyes and our son was set off by something my ex said to him. Anything he says to him is exclusively to bring him to punching something we might have to oay for or get him stitched up for. They argue in the car while making attemps in vein to get me either on team dad or team son. I sat in silence. My punishment for this was a text message about how disrespectful the boy is and how I always take our son’s side. I remained silent for a reason and thats to watch if it took much effort for my ex to get his foot in his mouth (never).
I replied to my ex’s text truthfully and without reservation. “You act as if my input on sons behavior will suddenly over-come him and his eyes will light up and all will be rainbows and glitter. “Do you fail to remember your mother, sisters and even your neice telling you how erong you were in raising him and that it would come back on YOU with a vengence. Well, you did a good job with the monster you raised so now you must live with your decision on trying to teach him that his mother is crazy so don’t listen to anything she says because it will be bad. Of course you had maje a weak willed attempt to scare me into seeing thins your way by telling me that by the time he was 17 he would be his own parent. Am I right on? Well you are the one who he no longer has respect for. On many things he was able to zoom in on you and decide for himself that you probably shouldn’t have been who he chose for guidence. Must have been putting him in that choke-hold tvat did it. With that he texts “Goodnight” like he wanted to slam a verbal doir in my face in mid sentence.

Well the next day we did errands and I cane up short after picking up some medicine and post-op supplies for my incisions. I was angry because my ex is frequently borrowing money from me and paying it back but he has a job that pays weekly and I recieve my $550 government disability check that I have to budget down to the dust on the coins. I also receive 400 dollars in alimony but all is gone beforethe end of the week which was the case as always. Of course he has 4 garnishments due to his delusions that sweet talk, manipulation and sex with what ever tart he can coax to pull her skirt up around her backside and charm her into letting the bill go for the week. I was so angry with myself for paying half the storage for what he wss court ordered to oay, I decided I had enough. Now all my plans would be one week late, once again,I won’t be able to take anything out of the storage that is mine, I don’t get to have a follow up to this surgery and I have only 10 dollars to eat between my son and I. He started rapid texting me at noon. Thats when I installed the apps to block his phone calls. This is where sometimes big phone corporations bite themselve at. The apps are useless as he can still call my phone and send me “I hate both of you but I’m lonely without you and our son and you both are my world” messages. He called me 30 times in a 45 minute span of time. I looked up phone blocking and called my provider. My ex called and somehow the apps that blocked his call hung up on the rep. I re-dialed quickly and managed to get thru to ask if it could be done. In a matter of minutes it was. Alk I had ti do was hang up for two minutes turn my phone back on and I’ve alls stopped. So for 30 days free of charge and $4.00 a month he cannot call or send me messages. If he calls me from another phone, I will trace the number and might block that one if I don’t let them know what he’s doing. But this is a double edged sward if you have children. He calks him constantly and earlier tomd him he was going to kilk himself. My son went into “Please forgive him” mode when I say to him its a bunch of bull. I tell him to think about some famous person who told all his friends and family that he was going to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. They would all take turns surrounding him and not let him out of their site. They don’t tell you about how they are going to end their lives for a reason and its not sympathy. I’m glad again the deception of his father was foiled. Not so easily done tho. He called him back with how he would pay me tomorrow and attempted to send me a third party bribe of my favorite through our son. I can’t stop crying. I almost cannot hold on any longer. It fetting to be too much but I trust that God and close friends along with famiky that I have left will help me not to give up when I’m so close. Thanks for listening.

Sophia

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