By Joyce Alexander RNP (retired)
Back when I was a teenager, I had an opportunity to travel to Africa, where I met a man who was to become world famous, and was almost single handedly responsible for the saving of both the black and white rhinos, Dr. Ian Player (the brother of golfer Gary Player.) Recently, the belief of rhino horn as a “cure all” has gotten to where the price for a single horn can top $400,000. This has caused the poaching of these wonderful animals, which still number less than 5,000 black rhinos and about 21,000 white rhinos, most of them located in South Africa.
I feel very privileged to have known Dr. Player when he was simply “Ian” in a pair of green parks department uniform shorts, with a wonderful library of African history in his home that he freely shared with a very young and very green little girl from Arkansas. I have also been privileged to know “Dr. Player” a very wise mentor who has loved me all these years.
Dr. Player and I have stayed in touch by e-mail for the past 15 or so years (isn’t the Internet wonderful folks!), and though he is now nearly blind and very frail, he still writes and speaks about his passion, the rhino. He recently sent me a copy of an article that quoted him:
Ilegal poaching and the endangered rhino, on Condé Nast Traveler.
In the article, Dr. Player talks about how he is emotional about the salvation of his beloved rhinos, but he is not sentimental. WOW! I thought “How profound!” As Dr. Player points out in the article, while the embargo on selling horn may be “sentimentally” right, the sentiment is killing rhinos as more and more are slaughtered to meet the high dollar demand for the rare horn. But if all the stored up horn were dumped on the market, it would meet the demand for product and bring down the price and stop the slaughter. (It would be hoped, anyway.)
Results of sentimentality
Well, what, you may ask, does that have to do with psychopaths?
Our emotions are bound up with the psychopaths in our lives. In some cases our DNA is shared with these people as well. But we must not let the sentimentality of the situation overcome us. We can maintain our passion, our emotional response, but we still have to do what it takes to handle the situation in a realistic manner and not be overcome by sentimentality.
If you were here a few years back, you may have heard me rant about the “no horse slaughter” bill passed as an add-on to a Senate bill that forbade the slaughter of horses by USDA for human consumption. The people who pushed this bill through had the greatest of intentions (and we all know what the road to hell is paved with), because they loved horses. They did not really take into consideration what the real life result of their sentimental law.
In 2007, 100,000 horses in the US were processed into meat. They were old horses, horses who were injured and unable to be ridden, horses with bad dispositions, and just horses that should never have been bred. Each one is 800 to 1200 pounds of meat on the hoof, just like my cows, and the meat is prized in many countries. It takes between $1,000 and $3,000 per year to feed and vet a horse. So multiply those 100,000 horses by say even $1,500, and you’ve got a substantial amount of cost to care for horses that have no use or worth.
So what happened when the “market” price for these 100,000 horses went from 75 cents per pound for meat to $5 per head? People turned their unwanted horses loose in the national forest to starve, or out on the roadways to be hit by cars. Then after the ban went into effect, a new market niche developed where these horses were now rounded up by dealers, put on trucks and shipped to Mexico for Mexico’s version of “humane” slaughter.
The unintended consequence of the sentimental decision to outlaw the humane processing of horses for meat for human consumption was that more horses suffered much worse deaths than a stun gun. I have personally bred animals (cattle) for beef, and there is no one who is more passionate or emotional about the care and keeping of her animals than I am. I accompanied my animals to the USDA slaughter facility and stayed there with them so they would not be afraid. And God help the stockyard yahoo who tried to use an electric cattle prod on my animals! I was very emotional about my animals, but I was not sentimental.
Sentimental about psychopaths
Unfortunately, where it came to my family members, I clung to the sentimentality of dysfunction. With my animals, I wanted them treated well, but at the same time, if an animal was wild, aggressive or tried to hurt me, I had no problem with sentimentality, I sent it to the butcher on the next truck! But not so with my family members who gored me!
I never had a problem setting boundaries for my oxen, and I stayed alpha in the pack of collies. If an ox even touched me with a horn (this is a real “no no” for a lower member of the bovine herd to do to a superior member who will respond with force) I had to respond immediately and with enough force to make them remember that I was the boss. It isn’t really very smart to sentimentally let a 2,000-pound animal be the boss or even think they might want to try to be. It also isn’t very smart to sentimentally allow a spouse or other abuser continue to use and abuse you, no matter how much you love them.
We may be very emotional about our situations, we may be emotionally devastated by what has happened to us as a result of what the psychopath has done in our lives, but we can’t afford to be sentimental about it. We have to make reasonable and rational decisions, devoid of sentimentality, about what to do to “fix ourselves” and “fix” our situations.
That may mean leaving in the middle of the night with a suitcase and our purses, or it may mean any number of decisions that we may not have even considered before. It may mean finding new homes our dog or cat because we can’t take them with us, or it may mean a divorce when we took vows that we meant “for better of worse, til death do us part.” It may mean going no contact with our parents, sibs, lovers, husbands, wives, children or friends.
We may be very emotional about some of these decisions, but we can’t afford to be sentimental. We have to do what we have to do.
Thanks for the article, Ox Drover.
Sentimentality seems to be ingrained in me from my family.
It’s not all bad and it serves a purpose.
I remember my Mom listening to an ethnic radio show every weekend that had an ‘obituaries’ segment. The sound of the mournful tolling bell would precede the ‘death rollcall’ -which was then followed by cheery upbeat dancing music!!
When I reminisce with friends and family about folks that have ‘passed on’ or about an event – it keeps the ‘oral history’ alive for the next generation.
Now, I think that because I live and work in the same area as my ex-gf I cannot help but experience ‘triggering’ moments almost every day. Our association spanned just shy of 2 years but, it was intense at times, with many revelations, epiphanies and moments of sharing and expunging inner feelings. And, it had an enormous impact on my life. But, in the end, all of that and I, were thrown out like trash. Discarded.
I imagine that for people that spent 5, 10, or 20 years and more with someone – it is much tougher.
Is this feeling because of my ‘sentimental’ nature?
Whenever I look at my son I see his Mom. I often think of old friends and relationships – but I get a chuckle and feel a smile. I especially miss one woman, ‘A’, who proposed to me! It caught me off guard and I didn’t know what to say. Well, she moved and we have had no contact. Oh, how I look forward to talking with her again! And, I know that it will be fun and amicable!
Last night I dreamt of a dear friend that I dated many years ago. Gonna write her an email in a few minutes to share the dream with her.
There was another woman I dated for over two years – but we still communicate and care about each other. But we saw how our career and life ‘paths’ were not merging but leading in dramatically different directions. If we had stayed together one of us would have lost out on some great opportunities.
She got to work with Pavarotti and I have a wonderful, amazing son – just to mention a couple of ‘things.’
I write these things because I see such a stark contrast between what the spathic ex-gf left me with and what every other relationship left me with. I believe that even the woman that I dated /lived with for several years and who cheated on me, twice (That I know of.), did not leave me feeling such confusion and in such emotional disarray.
This is the fallout of the ‘crazymaking,’ projection, gaslighting, hypocrisy and deceit from this recent ‘disordered one.’ And yet, I still feel for her and pray for her and wish I had the answers to her behaviour! Maybe I AM nuts! &:( (Pretzel brain symbolism.)
(BTW I knew folks with your surname from east Texas. Don’t know if that is your family or ‘married’ name. Anyhoo…this blog does not seem to have a mechanism for sharing ‘PM’s’ – and that may be a good thing. But just wonderin’. Oops! Am I being sentimental?)
Fixer, it’s my married name, and though I married again after I was divorced from Alexander, I kept the name professionally as all my licenses etc were in that name.
Yes, the break ups from non P folks may be somewhat painful but they are not devastating like the Ps.
And yes, sometimes life paths don’t allow a relationship to continue in a “forever after” pattern, but still we can part friends. Not so with the Ps.
Being sentimental in some circumstances is a good thing I think, and telling stories for the next generation I think is a good thing, it is HISTORY, of our family, of our ethnic group. But hanging on to a relationship that is abusive because of sentimental reasons is not productive.
I’m “sentimental” too, keeping family heirlooms of no “value” other than to me, letters written long ago, old furniture that belonged to my grandparents, and a BOX OF ROCKS that I picked up here and there in my travels…small odd rocks, but lots of them. Each one holding a memory. An odd shaped piece of drift wood sits on my shelf and I have a pleasant memory each time I look at it. But while they are a pain to dust holding on to those things gives me comfort. But I did learn when I had to leave my house and flee for my life that I can live without any of those things, I can leave them behind if I must and still be OK.
Hey Oxy – when is Patrick’s parole hearing? xxx
Some of us don’t have the luxury of separating sentiment and emotion. I choose to stay with my spouse, even though I know he is sick. The bare fact of the matter is that I will not do any better anywhere else…and he is a partner in my life’s journey with me.
He has other redeeming qualities.
As far as animals are concerned…it is always difficult to know what to do. I could never part with my cats, even if it meant a lesser lifestyle for me. No landlord could ever force the issue. Where I am…so will be my cats.
It sounds like some of you give up too easily. Maintain your precious emotions/sentiments…or leave them behind…I know where I stand. And no simple “touch of a horn” to my body (as in the case of your cattle) would elicit a response in me that I am the “superior being”. That is garbage. If you really love animals, you know they are “superior” beings in that they never stop loving…they can fear…but never lose their capacity for love.
Totally disagree with you on that one.
Hey, Aussie Girl, his parole “hearing” is coming up soon. The 3 member board only ONE will actually look at the “paper work” on him, soo unless the victim’s parents request to speak to the board the actually isn’t any kind of “hearing” like before the board. It is really a misnomer, but it must be done sometime between August and December this year so I am gettting things together for my attorney.,
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN MY DEAR!!!!!! I have missed your sage wit and good advice. Catch us old timers up on what has been happening to you.
Babs, your choices are yours to make. Te REASON behind responding to even a touch with a horn is that in the “pecking order” of the herd, if they test you by a touch, and get away with iit, the next time it is a shove, and the next time the horn may go through your gut. In order to be safe, you must be the “alpha” in a language they can understand. Any large animal be it horse, donkey or oxen who would deliberately try to hurt me or be unreliable was put down, not sold to some other unsuspecting person. While I AM very emotional about my animals and their health and well being, I am not sentimental. Even with my dogs and cats, my safety and health comes before theirs.
While I agree with you that SOME animals do indeed “love” you, dogs for example, and cats maybe, but many even domestic animals while they may be “tame” (to some level) do not “love” you, but actually submit to your alpha status so do not try to hurt you.
Ian’s rhinos are a perfect example…as are most wild animals.
Hi Ox (and Hens and Star and EB and Sky and Aloha etc. etc)
I will write to your silly parole people – the more the merrier, hey? Surely to goodness these people must see some sense?
I am quite well and life for the past year or so has certainly been very calm compared to the 5 years (no, make that 12 years) before that. Despite my fears and those of the police, Superspath appears to have kept his distance since killing poor little Blanche. The whole-of-yard surveillance system has thankfully recorded nothing more than the grass growing and the animals doing what animals do. I am tempted to say that it was a waste of money but I know that that is not strictly true, and although I am way more relaxed these days, I am still careful and cautious.
There was one encounter, about 4 months back, where his vehicle pulled out in front of mine on a lonely stretch of country road early one morning and stayed just in front of me for the 30km trip to my destination that day, but I managed to lose him when I turned off the highway and into another small town. The funny thing about it was, he was so very NOT on my mind that I actually tootled along for about 7kms wondering, “Why is that person in front of me driving so slowly in a 110km zone?” LOL!!! I was in no huge hurry that day but after a while I got a wee bit frustrated with how slow the front vehicle was driving and I was thinking about overtaking him when the penny suddenly dropped….it had been rattling around in my brain for a while screaming for some acknowledgment and when I looked properly at the colour, make, model and number plate of the vehicle, it all hit me at once and I almost threw up in my own lap with the shock of it.
I would drop back and then he would drop back and match my speed again. I didn’t dare overtake as I thought he was likely to run me off the road if I did so I just tried to stay calm and eventually shook him off. Problem was, I could hardly go to the cops and say that he had followed me, because HIS was the car in front and mine was the car behind. Apart from that though, there’s been nothing.
I went back to my regular hours at work, I’m still not enjoying the best of health but am managing the fibromyalgia quite well now. The PTSD rarely rears its ugly head anymore.
I studied and completed a Diploma in Community Services last year and I am now looking for new and different work whilst I am on several months’ Long Service Leave, so that I don’t have to go back to working under my two spathy bosses where I have worked for the past 9 years. Fresh start and all that jazz.
Life is busy but in a much calmer and slower way than before; normal feels good. Until I was there again, I had forgotten what normal felt like – and I had also forgotten how many years it had been since I had had me some “normal”. Really nothing too exciting to report – and I like it like that!
The zoo is fine also – any recent deaths have been from natural causes and although it makes me sad to lose any of them, at least I am not on high alert and expecting a massacre scene whenever I return home now.
How is everyone else?
xxxxx
Hello everyone. Haven’t posted here in a good long while, but I keep up with the site because as time goes by I seem to become more and more aware of how for some reason I am on a collision course with spaths, paths and the whole rainbow of Personality Disorders.
Firstly hi to Oxy who has been very kind to me in the past. Great to see you still supporting the LF community.
Since I orginally posted, life has really become so much better in so many ways and I think that is important for people to hear in so much as I recovered financially – yay! I bought my own house and got a better paid job and repaired my credit and got some animals to take care – who are obviously my darlings.
But one thing disturbs me somewhat – which is that when I found out about spaths – I really thought that this would be the end of it somehow, that I would now see the signs and be able to eliminate these types of people from my life. As I got on my feet however, I’m afraid I became a very juicy target again. More lessons to learn
Since 2010 when I first contacted the site (about a nasty cheating lying ex-boyf – a narc definitely)-things have become even more dark and dense in many ways.
Mainly because – I was targetted, and failed to protect myself from ‘another one’. This one much, much worse than the last one.
The new one was an ‘artist’ that I met through friends of friends. He targetted me and the wierd thing is that although I knew I was being targetted, I lacked the strength to ward him off.
I had experienced the death of my father not very long before, and I was pretty low with this loss.
I felt the spath target me and I was so low in energy that I thought ‘oh well – whatever, he certainly ain’t gonna find what he’s looking for but I lack the energy even to tell him to get lost’.
The first 2 months I wasn’t completely sure. He seemed like a nice enough guy in some respects. Funny, good-looking, articulate, charming, observant. A very talented artist – clearly a bit lost, no apparent income, no apparent home, hard luck story and ‘falling in and out’ with people including his family. But somehow I was just ‘too tired to say no’.
I foolishly agreed to let him stay on my couch for 2 weeks and give him a very small loan, ‘just until he could rent somewhere himself’………………….6 months later you get the picture. I was subject to full on spath mode:
-Death threats
-Suicide threat
-Petty theft
-Continual verbal abuse
-Financial abuse – of him living off me like a tick
-Witnessed him physically assault his mother
-Witnessed him physically assault his father
-Witnessed him physically assault a neighbour
-Listened (though did not believe) his constant lies, lies, lies
-Slept with him on a few occassion to ‘shut him up’ more than anything.
-Sleep Deprivation
-Strangulation
– Lived in fear due to his real threats to hurt my beloved cat
-Blackmail through going through my stuff and threatening to tell my work about my historic drug addiction ( I work in the family courts and stuff like that is a career killer potentially)
-Hyperviglience and fear
-Toxic shame
In the end, after 8 months of complete madness and mayhem – it took at least 25 call outs to the local police to get rid of him for good. I was not popular with my neighbours. The unenlighted asked me ‘why do you let him stay?’ on several occassions (grrrrrrrrrr- lol;)Don’t they understand I asked him to leave everyday – he just wasn’t prepared to be told to leave!
(BTW – I would like to take a minute to say thanks to the local police – as they never, ever shamed me or made me feel like the situation was my fault. They took a while to arrest and ultimately grant police bail conditions for him not to contact me, but they were very, very kind thank goodness- anyway I digress).
Anyway – I’m not sure why the word ‘sentimentality’ is such a trigger today – but for me I relate my ability to tolerate abuse to my being ‘oversentimental’ – i.e give me a good enough back story -i.e 21st Centuary Vincent Van Gogh – and I’m still a sucker for a spathy personality!
Don’t do it – don’t fall for the pity play. At first you feel sentimental and all full of ‘ahhh’ by the end you become a raging lunatic yersel’ – whatever it takes just to get rid of the ass*oles.
Delta
Delta, glad you got it and glad you are away from this lunatic! stay safe.
Oxy,
It’s good to see you!How have you been doing?
Thanx Oxy. This last one has left me dog-tired and a little depressed to be honest. I am quite curled up in my house where I feel safe and no-one can bother me for now. U take care of hairy ass and badass – lol.