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Entanglements with sociopaths always have consequences

At a Christmas party on Saturday night, the conversation turned to hot water radiators. My husband, who is mechanically inclined, explained to a woman, who was trying to save money by conserving heat, how to bleed the air out of an old-style hot water heating system.

Eventually, the conversation revealed why the woman was trying to save money. She’d purchased an old farmhouse for her business. She secured a $150,000 construction loan to renovate the house and retained a contractor. The contractor insisted on installing the thermostat for the hot water heating system on a wall directly across from a wood burning stove. (For those of you who are not mechanically inclined, this is a really dumb idea.) The contractor also told the woman that she couldn’t insulate the farmhouse because moisture would create a mold problem. (This is true, but it is a problem that is readily solved, and insulating the house is a really good idea.)

Further conversation revealed that the contractor, who was president of some kind of historical building society, had not completed $70,000 worth of work for which he had been paid. The bank repeatedly came to inspect the job, bought the guy’s stories about why the work wasn’t done, and released the next installment of money. The farmhouse owner, of course, signed off on all the payments.

At one point a bank representative asked the farmhouse owner, “Are you sure about this guy?”

“Oh, he’s fine,” she replied. “He’s the president of the historical building society.”

The contractor hasn’t paid the subcontractors, and they’re demanding their money from the farmhouse owner. She hired a lawyer, who went along with a plan suggested by the contractor’s lawyer, which was useless. So now the woman is trying to save her home and her business. Plus, she’s cold.

“Sounds like you’re dealing with a sociopath,” I said.

I don’t know if this woman has any good options. We suggested that she sue the bank, because the bank released the money. But she approved payments, so that may not work. She can’t afford another lawyer. As has happened to many of us who have dealt with sociopaths, she may be stuck holding the bag.

Fort Dix Five

This woman may suffer terrible financial losses. But others involved with sociopaths lose much more.

A few weeks ago, in The con man, the thug and the jihadists, I wrote about the five young Muslim men who were on trial for plotting a terrorist attack against U.S. soldiers at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Most of the prosecution’s case was based on conversations secretly recorded by an informant, an illegal immigrant from Egypt, who was paid $240,000 by the FBI.

I predicted that the jury would see that the informant was a con man who manipulated the young men. I predicted that the defendants would walk. I was wrong.

The five young Muslims were convicted of conspiring to kill military personnel. They were acquitted of the more serious charge of attempted murder because they didn’t actually do anything. Still, they all face life in prison.

Yes, they did go to a shooting range in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania, shot at targets and shouted “Allahu Akbar,” or “God is great.” They videotaped themselves doing this and brought the tape to a Circuit City store to be converted to DVD. One of them also downloaded violent jihadist videos from the Internet.

But would they have actually have gone any further? Would they have even discussed plans, which were nothing more than vague, wild ideas, if they hadn’t been goaded on by the sociopath, who was being paid to keep them talking?

I know how convincing sociopaths can be, so I don’t think they would have done anything without his encouragement. But I wasn’t on the jury, and the people who were apparently don’t understand sociopaths. So the young Muslims were left holding the bag. They may spend the rest of their lives in prison.

For his efforts, the con man informant, who was twice convicted of bank fraud, was promised legal residency in the United States, courtesy of our Justice Department.

Education is key

The consequences of entanglements with sociopaths are always negative, ranging in scale from unpleasant to deadly.

That’s why Lovefraud’s mission is to educate people about sociopaths. Right now, most people find Lovefraud because they’re already entangled with a sociopath and facing the consequences. We’ll soon announce a new initiative to help people cope with what has happened to them.

But eventually we hope to have programs to educate people about this personality disorder and the red flags of sociopathic behavior. Our goal is to help people escape the terrible consequences by avoiding the predators in the first place.


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479 Comments on "Entanglements with sociopaths always have consequences"

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Robx-

I will answer that… but first What did YOU want and need in a partner? What do YOU deserve? Why did you decide not to go back? What message did you send him when you said NO MORE???

There are people who dont put much value into themselves let alone others…they see people as “things they can get stuff from, exist off of, feel good from”…they try to simulate being a friend and a partner…but they are unable to continue the fraud over a long period of time…

But in the beginning they behave a certain way.. or we believe them to be a certain way and we give 100 percent to them and while we think they are doing the same in return their actions show different and the percentages are WAY OFF between eachother.

If you want him girl = you can have him. Along with that will come infidelities , lies, bad treatment – but he will take you back – he has no reall connection to anyone – he doesnt know how to love and respect himself so he cant give that to another. He just exists off of people who arent in the know, havent been exposed to his type – and who will be in for a rude awakening in due time.

Speaking of time — its precious and valuable — dont go backward to FB…set boundaries for yourself of what you realistically can do and cant do. You can choose to never go back to FB…but maybe you cant stop ruminating about things right now…thats ok…decide what you can push yourself to commit to and what you have to work on…focus on you — why didnt the relationship work for you???

learning…
you are right also! what did I want and need from a partner? i want and need someone who tells the TRUTH, who i can trust with my whole self…and he was that for some time. i deserve to be treated with dignity and respect…i am a wonderful wonderful truth-telling person! i decided not to go back because i had ENOUGH of the lies and crazy making. the message i sent him, so i think, was that i was on to him and i wasnt playing anymore.

he behaved VERY well in the beginning…VERY well. he had my family all on his side and gained their trust. in the midst of that, he was staying at my house on the weekends, and i made him look very ‘normal’ and ‘good’ when in fact , he is very bad…VERY bad.

this other person, i would assume, has no clue about his shit…i believe i only got some of the information i got because he was on parole at the time we met and it would have been difficult for him to go around that. the part about no connection rings true…he often told me he could leave a woman in an instant if she did something he didnt like and never look back…

interesting concept to think about in my situation. after my parents told him he was never welcome back to their home, he tried turning me against them. it didnt work,although it was like the obviousness of him using me was so clear then. i dont know if HE didnt try to hide it as well or if I was coming out of the fog and he could see it…

Robx –

Interesting stuff! Huh! Keep coming out of the fog…its so easy to get caught up in the illusion of what they presented and represented.

Mine was a great listener…i could talk the night away…and I felt that he must really care, etc. and I became so trusting of him and believed he had my best interest in mind too. Nope- he just wanted the things he did…from me, and from her and from his boss and from his friend (all different things from everyone – never really connecting, giving, being genuine.

He is a bad guy. Dont look back. Be so glad it isnt you in that picture. She is getting caught up with an unhealthy guy. She in fact may be unhealthy or uneducated about bad men or have little to no expectations of respect and truth… or she may be on the same path you were – believing in what she wants to believe is true – rather than taking things he says/does at face value.

Look at the reality of what your relationship was like with him. Look long and hard at what HE offered for you, what HIS choices were with you (and others) the way HE treated you and twisted you to believe his way is really ok…acceptable….etc… (it is — but only to low selfesteemed, neeedy girls who just want to please and be a doormat – or who know nothing more than equating sex and random attention to being wanted and loved. Its just not true – a real decent relationship is so much more than what these creeps offer to women/men.

Id rather be with myself than be that girl in the picture with him. Hes a monster and shady and she will know it soon enough. They all do..

leaning..
you struck a chord with me, again, on something i cant see to wrap my head around…this idea of being ‘wanted’. it seemed to be a theme with him. he wanted to be ‘wanted’ and ‘desierd’ and ‘loved too much and held too tight’. i never understood what he meant by wanting to be ‘wanted’ because i did want him–with me, by me, at my house, etc. it always felt like his idea of being ‘wanted’ was differnet…

what does it mean to feel ‘wanted’…sometimes i feel so dense.

Robx-

My eyes are fading… I hope you are feeling a little better tonight.

You are going through everything that one goes through when trying to deal with the reality of these toxic relationships.

Its about him – in who he is, his choices, his lack of awareness, etc.

But its also about us being able to deal with and accept the truth of the matter. The truth is he wasnt a good person for you in your life. No matter what he does going forward – he wasnt good to you or to himself for that matter. Focus on what you want – what you deserve – and what you need for yourself. And even try to answer why you do go to FB..Weve all had to find our answers and dig deeper into ourselves to find out what it is we want out of it. Because if you are wanting him back – you can actually talk to yourself about what it would be like (the reality) not the pretender – but get real about what you went through and experienced with him —

What he is doing now is now different from before. They dont change.

But we can change our ways, our thoughts our direction — decide what you are going to try to commit to not doing — one day at a time. Bet you can do it Robx – really think you can no longer look back at FB anymore. It offers nothing for you in your life – except being stuck on what ifs and whys and lots of toxicity comes rushing back…

Heres to tomorrow and the first day you let go of something about a bad man! Goodnight! Sleep well! You are free from his BS!!!!!

learning….
youre a wonderful person-thank you

Robx –

Maybe he wanted to be wanted ( for all the right reasons) but he knew you were wanting the pretender in him -because he is unable to really give all the things women truly want and deserve in a man.

You see his choices are what holds him back in life. He is his own worst enemy. HE wants things that he can only achieve by trusting himself and giving to women all the mature responsible trustworthy decent things in life.

But his choices dont equate to giving that or being able to consistently receive that.

When someone yearns to be wanted so badly – it usually means they have low selfesteem and lots of weak internal self views – so even when someone is showing them they are wanted – they still dont feel wanted or feel deserving of being wanted.

I may not be making sense…but trying to say he probably has his own issues he needs to work on but instead he jumps from woman to woman, bed to bed, face to place…so he doesnt have to face his reality either.

I think…. not sure tho 🙂

Robx –

thank you..

You are pretty cool yourself over there too! You are going through the thick of it — dont ever hesitate to share or ask LF for advice, thoughts.

Ultimately you are the one who will make all the right choices for yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through it. Ive done and wondered and thought over and over again all the things that you are.

ITS A PROCESS.. but dont forget to learn and retain some of the lessons, so you keep going forward as much as possible. WE all fall sometimes but it just makes getting up and going forward even more educational and growth inducing! Learn and grow…. WE CAN AND DO….THEY CANT AND DONT WANT TO.

You deserve better. You did RIGHT by saying no more. In his eyes only that was WRONG of you because you finally stood up for and protected yourself – that made him say well your boundaries blocked alot of things out that I needed most …. being able to use you at his leisure and take from you the things he wanted. Towanda to you for finally saying this guy is NOT FOR ME!!!! Hes unhealthy and toxic in his life views and ways!

Stay on track… you are doing just fine Robx!

R-

Blow up the text Roxy. It is a well rehearsed script and that is all.

He got as much as he could from you and then he moved on.

Maybe he is geting something more from this next girl maybe not, but we know what is going to happen to her.

Maybe you will still be here when she shows up.

Nothing they say is true, nothing they do is real and all they are about is getting for themselves.

I’d loook at the situation differently, would changing relationships give him an excuse to tell the parole officer why he didn’t have a job?

Think about what did he need to use you girls for ? If you work from the assumption that he felt anything, its going to break your heart worse and longer.

I hate hearing that because you’re better than that.

Does the parole officer know his new address? If he isn’t making his reports, they can revoke his parole.

By my understanding, parole laws have been changing and the revolving door doesn’t spin as fast or easy as it used to.

Mine got most of a year on a parole revocation. No, I didn’t know his true story until the marshals came in and dragged him out of my house.

Later. I discovered that he’d been in contact with lots of women, dated three, initited with dozens and posted that he wanted to find a marriage partner on our one month anniversary.

Those are the facts. What he says is not. Discard anything he said that causes you unease unless it would be of interest to his parole officer and enjoy the day.

Carpe Diem!

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