By | December 26, 2008 45 Comments

Stop thinking about that sociopath and enjoy a Christmas Movie

A romantic relationship with a sociopath can leave a person sour on the opposite sex, or on people in general. I said last week that sociopaths try to train their partners in their disordered thinking patterns. Recovery involves purging the sociopath’s mollifications and seeing the beauty in life again. Recovery means a renewed ability to appreciate the loving connections we still have. Sometimes art, music and cinema can help us do that.

This Christmas we were not able to be with our family in California. But it was a “warm” beautiful day in Connecticut, so the kids and I walked the dog on the beach, went to the movies and ate out at a Chinese restaurant. I recommend the movie we saw because it describes real love between a man and a woman and of course their dog.

The movie, Marley and Me, is based on the true story of a family and Marley “the worst dog in the world.” The lead male character is somewhat unsure of himself but very committed to his family, and his values are contrasted with those of his best friend who has an uncommitted approach to relationships.

The story is also about adult development and the changes we go through between 25 and 40. The ending is rather bittersweet but I was still glad to have seen this movie on Christmas. It is good to be reminded about the importance of love and devotion. Movies can be very powerful tools for that kind of reminding. Although there are a lot of movies that portray the dark side of humanity, there is still a demand for stories like this one. Marley and Me advertises the common place, deep connections we have to our loved ones be they human or canine.

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Hey LOOK _____——->

That means when you go get me beers and smokes dont forget to get me A Pizza extra everything! LOVE JJ


Some Prof said that a person cannot feel pity and suspecion at the same time! Try Me!
One of the life lessons that may help someone in Figuring out this Phenomenon!
When we give or even have something taken from us that was not deserved! This is Good ! Because We never deserved Salvation! And we won’t know what contribution we have made till the end of the Journey. This helps me stay caritable for I’m Giving to A Higher Purpose! LOVE JJ

Ox Drover

It sounds like you had a great Christmas day, even though you were not able to be with your extended family.

I think sometimes we have been led to think (by the media) that Christmas (or holidays) need to be a huge production with a large group of people and huge meals. A lavish production of some sort.

My Christmas holiday with my sons wasn’t anything “lavish”–just the three of us, good food and some small gifts personally made or chosen and then my adopted son went to be with his biological family, and my oldest son and I spent the day at home, just spending “quality time” together here on the farm. Today we cleaned house!

Since we have no small children in the family we missed the hassle and the joy of that part as well, but have had one of the most calm, serene, peaceful and joyful holidays in many many years.

“Small and intimate” and “calm and peaceful” have a lot to be said for WONDERFUL holidays!


Liane is right! The most powerful tool we have is the ability to re-train our own brains. We can undo that programming from the sociopath and re-program ourselves to reclaim joy and peace in our lives.

Neuroscientists have found that when we watch an event in a movie we experience it as if it was happening in reality. Our brains and bodies respond as if we were living the moment.

Liet’s pick some movies with strong, positive emotional moments to encourage our healing.




I like the redemption message in “The Day the Earth Stood Still.” I won’t be the one trying to “redeem” any Ps! But I believe we should remind ourselves that these creeps are still the minority.

Ox Drover

Dear Rune and Indi–

Interestingly enough Indi’s smart alec comment about JAWS and yours about redemption messages reminds me of someting I “flashed on” once.

When I saw Jaws (in a theater) I DID “experience it” to the point that when the head fell out of the b oat underwater I FROZE in fear and suprise…and about ten seconds later AFTER everyone else in the theater had STOPPED screaming, I stood up and screamed “OH, SHIT!” at the top of my lungs inside the pin-drop quiet theater. LOL

The point of the “flash” was that WHILE I was watching and experiencing the movie and FEELING the emotions of fear etc. AT THAT MOMENT, now, I can recount the movie’s plot, and describe the scenes, BUT there is NO EMOTION connected to the retelling of it NOW.

In many ways, I can recount the “plot” of the psychopaths like I can tell you the “plot” of Jaws, AND WITHOUT THE EMOTIONS ATTACHED to my memories of the P’s deeds.

I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but me, but for me, the memories of the “p-plots & deeds” OF THE PAST are no longer emotionally charged with the physical and mental fear, pain, suffering, stress etc. that they were at first when they happened and before I sorted through them all. It is almost like they happened to someone else.

I am not sure if the Rapid Eye Movement Therapy separated the memories and the emotions, or what, but something did, and I am SO GRATEFUL it has happened. So grateful that I can think about, talk about (here) what happened with the same apparent disassociation of telling you the plot of Jaws.


Ox-D: One explanation I read about how EMDR works suggested that the memories were brought out of the “reptilian brain” or subconscious where we store/repress those charged memories, and brought up into the present consciousness so we could look at them in the “light of day,” so to speak, and in a calm frame of mind so that the memories no longer have that gut-ripping hold on us. It seems that you are describing the positive end result of your therapy.

From the EMDR website: “EMDR is an information processing therapy and uses an eight phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental health.

During treatment various procedures and protocols are used to address the entire clinical picture. One of the procedural elements is “dual stimulation” using either bilateral eye movements, tones or taps. During the reprocessing phases the client attends momentarily to past memories, present triggers, or anticipated future experiences while simultaneously focusing on a set of external stimulus. During that time, clients generally experience the emergence of insight, changes in memories, or new associations. The clinician assists the client to focus on appropriate material before initiation of each subsequent set.”

Ox Drover

Dear Rune,

Whatever happens, or is supposed to happen, in the brain pathways/areas the EMDR definitely worked for me. I don’t care if it was a “placbo” effect, whatever it was, it sure helped me to not get an unpleasant physical choking sensation in my thorat and a feeling of being “grabbed” by a giant hand in the gut…among other things. I don’t have the irratibility that I had, though I still have some over reactions to something UNEXPECTED, but at the same time, even those reactions are of a fleeting nature rather than something that puts me into the fetal position emotionally sucking my thumb for days, weeks or months. The reaction is usually anger/fear and will only last for hours, not longer, and are not the intensity of before the therapy.

Since even my psychiatrist wasn’t ‘really familiar with this therapy I am trying to “spread the word”—I was referred to this therapy by a friend who had horrible PTSD and had great success with this therapy. The bottom dollar is, if it works, I don’t care why! I am fortunate that my insurance would pay for it so cost to me was nada.


Hey all,
I have been reading all the things about movies and how we are affected or react to different scenes and it reminded me of something I learned once in a songwriting seminar in Nashville. The seminar was on “Prosody” which is the marriage between lyric and music. Words are just words as they are read or sung but the music is a manipulation factor so to speak on setting the mood of how our minds will comprehend those words. So if you sang”Im gonna hurt you” and it was set to the tune of “Mary had a little lamb” it would not really be as threatening as some sinister chord progeression that would really get the point across. Movies that affect us in any way have great “prosody” in their own right. Then the speaker said something that was profound to me in the context of songwriting at the time but I can now correlate with my own experience with a sociopath. He said, “The more you paint the picture, the less control your listener has!” How true!! I have set in many movies and cried,laughed and still to this day everytime I get into the ocean JAWS will come to mind. Its like a Pavloff thing. Ive trained myself to do so. So I was living my own “S” movie. The picture was painted perfectly and my control was out the window. Its just the alternate ending that I am writing myself on a day to day basis that THEY didnt expect! muagh to all



Believe me! We where at the Beach ,Flagler, east coast Florida, on vacation ! :)~ Yeah! Right! Go swimming!? Are you some kind of Crazy??? :)~ I was 11.

The Truth is these Fish (warmblooded fish) are predictable they have regular behavioral patterns. They are not Mindless eating machines! nor monsters. And I for one would rather deal with a GW than a P any day of the week! LOVE JJ

Ox Drover


Thanks for pointing that out about “prosody”—it is “obvious” and yet most of the time we don’t think about how music “moves” us in the way of changing our moods, up or down.

I did hear a radio show once about fast vs slow music and how it manipulates “time”—so if you are doing a task that you don’t like you play fast music so it will “shorten” the time, and motivate you to work faster or harder.

We all know how a “love song” can make us cry or laugh or feel mushy, yet we don’t think about it much when music does change the way we feel, we just sort of “go with it” without thinking.

Yep. we need to just {quote} write the “alternate ending”!!!



Anestu and Oxy: My favorite song about the likes of all of them is “CRY ME A RIVER”.



Wini ,
Believe me, I know CRY ME A RIVER. and I am in the middle of it right now.
Oxy: isnt it funny(at least it is to me) How many emotions that these people bring out in us? It makes me realize that I am a well rounded person no matter what my “S” has said to me or about me. In reality, they make us stronger people on a much deeper level than we ever imagined. And in a strange way my “prosody” of life in general has threatened her. In her dire ways of course. I would like to think that if this happened to me with someone who wasnt a sociopath that my eloquence with words and my actions would have made some sort of difference. Of course it never did with her! She used it against me and it is still doing so. We watched all sort of movies together and she even pretended to get into “country music” which I write and told me once my first CD I produced was written about her and I didnt even know her yet. And it was some kind of sign.(LOL)The only movies she cried at and was fixated on were the “fantasy love stories” that she said she wanted her life to be like and of course i couldnt produce!!! I was in a no win situation


Songs? I was thinking more like “I’m a Creep” by Radiohead, or “Behind Blue Eyes,” by The Who! Or how about “Obsession” by Sarah MacLachlan.

All the feelings you are feeling are YOUR feelings, and they have nothing to do with what he can feel. We must remember this . . . (Oh, wait! That line is from a REAL love song!)


Anetsu: Yeah, they do make us go deep (sounds like I’m playing football due to this line) … but, at least we can go deep … and are deep. I still refer to them as SD … for surface dwellers … never venturing deep into the emotional waters of life. Now I know what is meant by the saying “still waters run deep” … for they don’t ever go still. They are more like those furious rushing brooks … waters that never settle … never having time to reflect!

I remember asking some of those “nutty” co-workers if they ever take time to go still and reflect. Their answer … “no way, I hate being by myself”. Told me a lot.


Ox Drover


My son C’s X-wife of a year and a half ago was arrested when she and her BF, also a P, tried to kill my son C, but fortunately he got through to 911 before they could.

For a christmas present my son D and I made a CD of mostly country music (but some Sinatra too) of music about “love gone sour, and I’m glad she is gone” songs. I got the idea one day listening to the radio and I heard the old Charlie Daniels song “Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone!” I laughed and laughed and I thought how great!

We had most of the songs we needed in my son D’s collection, but we had to get on the internet and get a few down loaded 99 cents each but it was a GREAT HIT. We suprised him and played it while we were driving a half hour to eat out at our favorite spot.

Besides that one we had some great ones like Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are made for walking” and some that the lyrics were really “bad” and “rude,” but still we had a great time making it up for him, and he enjoys it very much. In fact, he is sending a second copy of it to his buddy who just finally kicked out his own drama queen.

So music can definitely help us with our healing, as well as reflection of just about any kind that has a positive base and lifts our emotions. I meditate and also spend time alone each day, as well as interact with others. I am really picky about who I interact with most of the time and pick people I feel safe with and that are uplifting rather than “down draggers.”


Oxy, what a great idea for a … starting over and making it gift!


I recommend Paul Simon’s “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover.”

“Just slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free! Just get on the bus, Gus. No need to discuss much . . .”

The words are harsh, but as the ones who know how to care and who get ourselves entangled, we can use the encouragement to free ourselves. The Ps? They’re “already gone.” Even when they’re with us!

Ox Drover

Rune, that one was on the CD along with “Hit the road Jack, don’t you come back no more, no more, Hit the road jack” I wore out 2 45s of tht record when I was a kid. My MOM hated that son with a passion. LOL It still makes me want to dance! LOL

I think more than anything, it was a good laugh and we can use all the laughs we can get! LOL


Yes, ya gotta laugh!

And if we can laugh, even if we start out by forcing the laughter, we can also change our brain chemistry and our thought patterns. It’s more than just a distraction.

I met a woman who traveled with Patch Adams, and who was offering classes in “laugh therapy”! She showed us — very effectively — how if we all started to laugh together (led by herself and a couple of her trained assistants in clown suits) that after about two minutes of the group “laughing” uproariously, we were really laughing! Chuckles into belly laughs. Ending up with tears of laughter, and a room full of happy endorphins surging through all of us.


Anyone know any good FUNNY movies out right now?


Hello? Funny movies? Anyone? I want to shift my reality in a positive way!



So In the begining it was like a kidnapping but now He’s your Brother?

I know it’s not new but it is Funny and Moving! 20 minuets till Whapner ! Da Da Don Da

Ox Drover

Dear Rune,

Yeppers, it works! I picked up the “Blue Collar Comedy Team” (the first one) I had seen it before but we hadn’t seen it in a long time and though the humor is a little rough in spots, none the less it was really funny, and once we started to laugh it just got to where we couldn’t have heard the dialog if we hadn’t had the subtitles on to be able to read it.

I’m not up with what is “current” at the movies right now, seldom go out to a theater to see one, usually just watch what friends have or my sons either have or that they buy.

It really doesn’t matter to me if I have seen a movie before or not, if it is good I don’t mind rewatching several times.

A movie that is interesting to me and actually “funny” in a sick sort of way is the “War of the Roses” which is about a couple (both Ps) who have the divorce from hell and do horrible things to each other. IN the end they both die from their revenge against each other….an then you are kind of sad at what they have done to each other’s lives.

INdigo, your spelling is horrible! It SHOULD be


You silly thing, you left off the last DA! LOL ROTFLMAO

I’m going to send you to the program with Jeff Foxworthy, are you smarter than a 5th grader? LOL


I have watched two movies lately that I thought were hilarious, BUT….. I have a very dry sense of humor. They were “Tropic Thunder” and “Burn Before Reading.” They are ignorant in every way but if you are willing to look past what you think a movie should be you will see the comedy the directors were trying to get across. I still laugh when I dont want to about watching these movies but I did


Anybody vote for “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”? Raucous, rude, and not politically correct. I’ll have to check out your recommendations.


Wapner is dah dump dump(chicka chicka chicka chicka,chicka) dah dump dump etc. or if ur a drummer ….its 1 and 2(three e and a four e and a) jsut my perspective Muagh! lol


These are not my short!


I told ya my mother is an english teacher! Babump!

Spelling english needs to be rethunk too! :)~

2009 list of things too do!

Remove all P/S/N from Society!

Rewrite english language!

Meet Kerry Degman!

Pickup beer and smokes! LOVE JJ


How about “Itchie coo Park”? Now I wanna know what those kids were smokin’! “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” is what the spaths did to us to send us on “The Highway to Hell”. For kicks, how about “Any Man of Mine” (I think by Shania Twain), or “Nowhere to Run” (Martha & the Vadellas?), or like the line from Adrien Kronour in “Good Morning Viet Nam”, I don’t care what you play, just play it LOUD! I’ll take good ole rock ‘n roll any time!

Elizabeth Conley

If you saw Madagascar and had fun, you’ll probably like Madagascar II.

When I’m looking for a sure thing, I usually resort to the classics. Here is some fun stuff:

Elizabeth Conley

Lesser known but nontheless hysterical:


oh my God…My x-S loved the song “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who….. Now I get it!!!!
A great song about Sociopaths is “Guiltiness” by the late,great Bob Marley on the album (of the century) “Exodus” (also re-done on “Shout Down Babylon”)

Elizabeth Conley


“Behind Blue Eyes” was the song I thought of whenever the P from decades past came to mind. It was such a good explanation of what he was and how he operated…

…except now I wonder if he was sad at all. I realize that sad was a projection of mine, ’cause I’d be sad if I had done the things he had. He probably wasn’t sad.


How about “You were pretending . . .,” Eric Clapton.


Yes, Elizabeth, I think we ASSUME, we project, that they must feel “sad.” But I think The Who really caught a description of the behavior.

Elizabeth Conley


Bob Marley… …was it Guiltiness?


Don’t think I’ve heard it. Interesting lyrics.

Elizabeth Conley

For pure, raw emotion in response to sociopathic behavior, I gotta go with “The Pusherman”

I’ve worked in ministries that served the homeless, so this really reflects how I feel. Foul language alert. I don’t talk like this, and I wouldn’t post it here. It’s a powerful song though. Art should pack an emotional punch.

Elizabeth Conley

Pretending lyrics

Clapton is a really good performance artist. I’m betting his delivery gives this a very strong emotional impact.


On the theme, “I saw what you did, saw it with my own two eyes, so you can wipe off that grin . . . it’s all been a pack of lies.” Phil Collins, “In the Air Tonight.

I always wondered about the backstory on that song. Here’s a bunch of explanations:

Elizabeth, I’ll bet you can find the lyrics. Interesting how these stories show up when you know what to listen for . . .


I saw Hellboy 2 on the weekend and though its not a comedy it has moments of very funny dialogue. I liked the original too but Guillermo del Toro’s sequal is just wonderful.

I also watched Whoopi Goldberg’s recent Broadway performance and the DVD included the orginal Broadway show of 20 years ago. She’s amazing – not only funny but also thought-provoking.


Hey Elizabeth C,
Thanks for printing the lyrics to Bob Marley’s song “Guiltiness” (it sounds great too, you can listen on You-Tube)
and Behind Blue Eyes…I KNOW why my X relates to “Behind Blue Eyes” reading the lyrics it’s so obvious!!!l
I saw “Marley and Me” yesterday…It’s an awesome movie…Believe me I have a very bad case of ADD (attention deficit disorder) but this movie rocked!!!
Happy New Year to all and God Bless….

Just a reminder – Lovefraud’s policy is to comply with copyright laws. Song lyrics are copyrighted, and posting them violates the owner’s copyright.

Healing Heart

And the Joy of New Year, too. 2009 is a big year for so many of us. And a great year!!!

No more engaging with evil. Always choosing light and love.

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