At a Christmas party on Saturday night, the conversation turned to hot water radiators. My husband, who is mechanically inclined, explained to a woman, who was trying to save money by conserving heat, how to bleed the air out of an old-style hot water heating system.
Eventually, the conversation revealed why the woman was trying to save money. She’d purchased an old farmhouse for her business. She secured a $150,000 construction loan to renovate the house and retained a contractor. The contractor insisted on installing the thermostat for the hot water heating system on a wall directly across from a wood burning stove. (For those of you who are not mechanically inclined, this is a really dumb idea.) The contractor also told the woman that she couldn’t insulate the farmhouse because moisture would create a mold problem. (This is true, but it is a problem that is readily solved, and insulating the house is a really good idea.)
Further conversation revealed that the contractor, who was president of some kind of historical building society, had not completed $70,000 worth of work for which he had been paid. The bank repeatedly came to inspect the job, bought the guy’s stories about why the work wasn’t done, and released the next installment of money. The farmhouse owner, of course, signed off on all the payments.
At one point a bank representative asked the farmhouse owner, “Are you sure about this guy?”
“Oh, he’s fine,” she replied. “He’s the president of the historical building society.”
The contractor hasn’t paid the subcontractors, and they’re demanding their money from the farmhouse owner. She hired a lawyer, who went along with a plan suggested by the contractor’s lawyer, which was useless. So now the woman is trying to save her home and her business. Plus, she’s cold.
“Sounds like you’re dealing with a sociopath,” I said.
I don’t know if this woman has any good options. We suggested that she sue the bank, because the bank released the money. But she approved payments, so that may not work. She can’t afford another lawyer. As has happened to many of us who have dealt with sociopaths, she may be stuck holding the bag.
Fort Dix Five
This woman may suffer terrible financial losses. But others involved with sociopaths lose much more.
A few weeks ago, in The con man, the thug and the jihadists, I wrote about the five young Muslim men who were on trial for plotting a terrorist attack against U.S. soldiers at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Most of the prosecution’s case was based on conversations secretly recorded by an informant, an illegal immigrant from Egypt, who was paid $240,000 by the FBI.
I predicted that the jury would see that the informant was a con man who manipulated the young men. I predicted that the defendants would walk. I was wrong.
The five young Muslims were convicted of conspiring to kill military personnel. They were acquitted of the more serious charge of attempted murder because they didn’t actually do anything. Still, they all face life in prison.
Yes, they did go to a shooting range in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania, shot at targets and shouted “Allahu Akbar,” or “God is great.” They videotaped themselves doing this and brought the tape to a Circuit City store to be converted to DVD. One of them also downloaded violent jihadist videos from the Internet.
But would they have actually have gone any further? Would they have even discussed plans, which were nothing more than vague, wild ideas, if they hadn’t been goaded on by the sociopath, who was being paid to keep them talking?
I know how convincing sociopaths can be, so I don’t think they would have done anything without his encouragement. But I wasn’t on the jury, and the people who were apparently don’t understand sociopaths. So the young Muslims were left holding the bag. They may spend the rest of their lives in prison.
For his efforts, the con man informant, who was twice convicted of bank fraud, was promised legal residency in the United States, courtesy of our Justice Department.
Education is key
The consequences of entanglements with sociopaths are always negative, ranging in scale from unpleasant to deadly.
That’s why Lovefraud’s mission is to educate people about sociopaths. Right now, most people find Lovefraud because they’re already entangled with a sociopath and facing the consequences. We’ll soon announce a new initiative to help people cope with what has happened to them.
But eventually we hope to have programs to educate people about this personality disorder and the red flags of sociopathic behavior. Our goal is to help people escape the terrible consequences by avoiding the predators in the first place.
Oxy: Quick Fix for the anti-socials in the world … mmmmmmhhh. I’ve got it. Why don’t we just admit that most people are selfish. Produce a selfish scale of 1-10. On that scale, where do you (meaning everyone) fit on that scale and what will you tolerate with others coming into your space. If you are at the one level, anyone coming in at 2 or higher gets kicked to the curb.
Peace.
It has taken me six months, but I have finally connected the dots on my sicko EX. Towards the end of the relationship, he was begging me to allow him to take photos of my naked body…he promised to keep my face out of the picture. I never allowed it. There were times when I thought…what the heck…but something inside me said NO! Now I am realizing that this man is a closet voyeur. He told me once that he took secret pictures of his ex wife while she was in the shower with his camera phone. When I was in his car with my young daughter, I saw a flier for a web cam porn site, When I confronted him with this …..he FREAKED. When I was at his house and I needed to use his lap top…..he was very cautious. I guess he did not want me to scroll down to see what web sites he had been visiting. I now know that there are web sites where these sickos exhchange their amateur photos. The thought of photos of me appearing on these sights makes me very sick.
I do not feel rejected anymore… I feel like I am released from the clutches of this evil man. My beautiful daughter as well! I feel very sorry for the woman he is seeing now. She is totally unsuspecting of his evil nature because she met him in church. I really crilnge that this man helps serve communion in a socially prominent church. God will get him for this. Wow. The truth does set you free. I was so gullible. Sick Boys will be sick boys. He tells his son who is 16, that you can get away with anything with a girl if you charm the mother into thniking you a nice guy. He used to brag that he was sent home from nursery school because he he kept trying to look up the teachers’s skirt. AND THIS MAN IS 63. He also claims that his mother walked over him without wearing underwear, He told me that the first time he saw me without clothes…he thought of his Mother. Wherever this man is heading….. I am not in the picture. How could I have been so foolish to think that I could have had a healthy relationship with this monster. How do I screen this kind of problem out in any future men I may meet, This is scary!
Dear Peace at last,
QUOTE: “How do I screen this kind of problem out in any future men I may meet”?
My suggestion is to read and learn here, and READ SOME MORE, and look for the red flags, the gut instinct that something is not right—look back at this man’s relationship with you and you will see that there WERE some red flags that flapped in the breeze, and yo might have “noticed” them as “odd” but didn’t see them for what they WERE.
I thinkk ANY time we notice someting “odd” about a new relationshiip, something that makes us “notice” and “wonder” about the comment, we should say to ourselves CAUTION, RED FLAG and then not sweep these under the rug.
I (looking back) can see some HUGE RED FLAGS in my X BF that is a P, that I totally swept under the rug because I WAS SO DEEPLY IN THE FOG I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THEM. Because if I had acknowledged that they were RED FLAGS I would have ended the relationship RIGHT THEN and I did not want to end it. Even when I DID end it, I didn’t want to end it. I had to “give up my dreams” and my dreams were prescious to me and it was HEART BREAKING for me to admit that this man was not what I thought he was, and my dreams of this “ideal” relationship, another marriage and good life were FALSE, JUST LIKE HE WAS FALSE.
I had a “dream” that my P-son would get out of prison and come home and live a good life and we would laugh and have fun and be a “family”—CRAP, not going to happen.
I had a dream of my mom and me going into our old age together with my sons around us ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY–CRAP, not going to happen, one was married to a Borderline/psychopathic bitch, and my mother was a hard core enabler–CRAP, not going to happen.
All my dreams were just that FICTIOUS IMAGININGS and I had to accept the fact that my son was a MONSTER, my mother is a hard core enabler who will do anything to anyone (like me!) to keep HER DREAMS INTACT…fortunately, we were able to get the DIL out of the family and my son C saw the “light” about what was going on and our relationship is good, but the thing is, we (my sons C and D and I) have to get REAL, heal ourselves and maintain a HEALTHY relationship with each other. It takes work. It takes setting boundaries. We have to maintain a healthy life, keep our dreams that are POSSIBLE, and REAL…and make our own happiness, not depend on others to make us happy. It is nice we can SHARE our happiness with each other, but my happiness must NOT depend on my sons, and vice versa.
I am learning to validate myself. My own insitincts. To be INTER-DEPENDENT with my sons, NOT DEPENDENT, of them or vice versa. I realize while I loved my husband, too much of my happiness depended on HIM, not myself.
Each of us is ultimate responsible for ourselves, our happiness and our well being. If we DEPEND on others for those things, life can get in the way–people change, people leave, people DIE…and if we are dependent on them, then we lose ourselves with their departure. My husband didn’t intend to die and leave me “destitute” emotionally, but that is what actually happened. I knew he was likely to “leave” before I did (he was 15 yrs older) and that I would end up a widow at a fairly young age, but though I knew this intellectually, I wasn’t prepared for it emotionally. I was TOO DEPENDENT emotionally on being his wife, and not independent enough on being ME. It was like one of my emotional legs was cut off and I could no longer stand alone.
Two one legged people can stand by holding on to each other, but if one is taken out of the picture the other one falls. It is much better if two healthy people with two good legs hold hands and walk along together, and then if one person is out of the picture, the other one can still stand alone.
So if you only have “one leg”—before you get into another relationship, grow your second leg so that you can stand alone if you have to, and then find another person with “two good legs” and hold hands as you travel the road together, but if you only have one leg, don’t look for another one legged person to lean on and to have lean on you….it ulltimately results in you falling on your face!
From OX DRIVER “I (looking back) can see some HUGE RED FLAGS in my X BF that is a P, that I totally swept under the rug because I WAS SO DEEPLY IN THE FOG I DIDN’T WANT TO SEE THEM. Because if I had acknowledged that they were RED FLAGS I would have ended the relationship RIGHT THEN and I did not want to end it. Even when I DID end it, I didn’t want to end it. I had to “give up my dreams” and my dreams were prescious to me and it was HEART BREAKING for me to admit that this man was not what I thought he was, and my dreams of this “ideal” relationship, another marriage and good life were FALSE, JUST LIKE HE WAS FALSE”
I am certain that the majority of those on this site can relate to the above. The sadness comes from the dealth of a dream for a person that never existed. Of course that is mixed with the anger of knowing that you were played. The depression comes from the anger turned inward that you feel that you brought this on yourself. But I am learning from this blog that these poor sick souls are very good at what they do. They are in cahoots with the devil. “Lead me not into tempatation but deliver me from evil.” You all are a part of delivering me from evil. I just need to get over feeling like I have been hit by a truck. I think that time and God will be my way out!
OxDrover………………..
Another way of saying it….”Before you can stand next to someone, you have to stand on your own two feet.”
Dear peace at last,
Yeppers!!! That old “what was that truckk that ran over me” is the feeling. Some one on here a while back said that we “throw ourselves under the truck” to save our Ps, ONLY THEY ARE DRIVING THE TRUCK THAT HITS US. (or some words to that effect–CRS!) LOL
It is in many ways humiliating to me that I was such a freaking old fool (there’s no fool like an old fool!” LOL) but I have had to FORGIVE MYSELF for being the way I was. Not that none of it was my “fault” because the second, and third and 200th time they played me I should have acted and didn’t) however, at the same time. I am human. Humans sometimes make some real bad decisions. I have made MORE THAN MY SHARE OF BAD DECISIONS…but I am going to do my best in the FUTURE to not make bad decisions based on “dreams” that are UNREALISTIC.
Just as we would nurture and protect our own child from getting conned by someone promising them an “impossible dream,” we should nurture and PROTECT OUR INNER CHILD from the same scams we would protect our biological offspring from. I think my failures to protect my inner child have caused me more harm than anything else. I am determined to be a GOOD PARENT TO MY (Inner) CHILD and to give that child the love, protection and nurturing that she deserves.
I like this – just as we would protect and nurture our children, we should protect and nurture our inner child.
We deserve to protect ourselves just as we would protect the ones we love.
Good Reminder
I truly believe that I am being punished for being so stupid to fall for this sociopath, this dangerous man I was with. After he discarded me it started the downward spiral and I don’t know if it can get much worse for me
After he discarded me I had to get out of town so I took a temp job in another state. The temp agency put the three month lease in my name and then I got fired. I had NEVER been fired in my life. Then I was stuck out of town in a strange city and couldn’t get a job. Of course I didn’t pay bills for three months, so my credit score is in the toilet with no hope to revive it.
I got to come home for a job which decided not to give me the required number of hours. They put me on nights but there weren’t enough hours for me so I changed jobs again. At this time I was living with an aunt who is 30 years older than me, completely psycho and addicted to narcotics and developing an alcohol problem. I finally got to move out from her and into a tiny apartment and changed jobs again.
I am slowly trying to get caught up-along with trying to deal with the emotional crap from this relationship. Today everything turns to shit AGAIN. The transmission is going out on my 2004 car and needs to be replaced to the tune of $5500-not counting the break work and the new suspension that it needs as well. Tried to go trade it in and having trouble getting a loan approved due to my incredible low low credit score. They are going to call me on Monday to let me know if there was anyone who would approve me.
I am extremely angry that this dangerous sociopathic man left me in financial agony and his life is completely intact. He had encouraged me to follow my dream to become a police officer, which is a huge paycut. He was supposed to support me so I could do this and then he discards me and I had to withdraw from the police academy cuz I lost my apt. and police training is not conducive to being homeless. Then the rest of this shit happens. I wish that we could take these men to court and sue for financial and severe emotional distress. I think that I deserve some of his $300,000 per year salary. I am SO completely scared and freaked out that this car is going to go out and I can’t afford to fix it and may not get approved for something else. I am so angry right now that I can’t stand it.
Dear Erin1972,
I don’t think the “universe” or anyone else is “Punishing you” but you ARE I think feeling the CONSEQUENCES of making some BAD DECISIONS based on hearing and believing what you wanted to be true.
I have had to face the consequences of bad choices and poor decisions I made, and they cost me money, my safety, and some “dreams” I had as well. It hurt like hell to lose those things as a consequence of me believing what I WANTED to believe.
Psychopaths are pretty good at holding out a “mirror” into which we project what we WANT TO SEE. They do this to get what THEY want from us by PRETENDING TO BE GOING TO PROVIDE WHAT WE WANT in exchange.
Read the article about the “self help guru” who at 49 wanted a man and a baby more than anything, and this rich guy came along, she told him what she wanted, and he said, “sure, no jproblem baby” I will PAY FOR IVF treatments (to the tune of $28K) and even though he was still legally married to another woman and apparently wasn’t anywhere near being divorced as he had indicated to the woman, moved in with her and started REMODELING her apartment—then, when she actually DID get preg, he wanted her to ABORT it, when she wouldn’t he dumped her, movfd out, quit talking to her, quit giving her ANY MONEY, her house is in a shambles, she can’t work, and because she DEPENDED on his promise to support her hasn’t been working and now is preg, broke, and no job or money!
SHE is experiencingn the consequences of HER decisions. SURE, he IS A JERK for doing that to her, but she put ALL her eggs into one OTHER PERSON’S BASKET and then he dropped the basket and she lost everything suddenly.
YOU put all your eggs into that guy’s basket. He said “My wife is ugly and I don’t want to have sex with her”—you wanted to believe his wife was an ugly shrew because that meant he did love you, and you believed it.
He told you he would rather be with you than her. You believed it because it was what you wanted to believe.
He lied to you, he lied to her—and you wanted to believe he could easily lie to her (because she was ugly and hateful) b ut because you were beautiful he wouldn’t lie to you.
NEWSFLASH, if he will cheat on her, and lie to her, he will CHEAT ON YOU.
If YOU want to be a police officer, or whatever you want to be, you can be a police officer or a teacher or whatever YOU want to work toward, but depending on SOMEONE ELSE to provide for you financially and DEPENDING on that so you can take your “dream job” is really not a good choice, I think.
BEING SELF-SUFFICIENT, and depending on ourselves is the way to go I think. I unfortunately wanted to depend on my new BF after my husband died and left me lonely, but I realized finally (the new BFwas a cheating P) that only I can make my dreams come true and COUNT on me.
Your X-BF did not have a right to lie to you, and to use you, but he was ABLE to use you because he was tellin you a FANTASY that YOU wanted to hear. What happened doesn’t mean that what he did wasn’t WAY WRONG, but the consequences of your decisions and choices were and are YOURS. It isn’t about “blame” it is about responsibility!
I know you are angry at HIM right now, but YOU can do whatever you want to do, and I don’t think being so angry and putting all the “blame” oh him for the consequences of your choices is going to move you forward very much at this point.
NOTHING is impossible if you chose a wise course, and want it badly enough to work hard to get it. If you want to be a cop, then be one, and live the finaicial life style that it will provide. Lots of cops families do that. ((((Hugs))))