At a Christmas party on Saturday night, the conversation turned to hot water radiators. My husband, who is mechanically inclined, explained to a woman, who was trying to save money by conserving heat, how to bleed the air out of an old-style hot water heating system.
Eventually, the conversation revealed why the woman was trying to save money. She’d purchased an old farmhouse for her business. She secured a $150,000 construction loan to renovate the house and retained a contractor. The contractor insisted on installing the thermostat for the hot water heating system on a wall directly across from a wood burning stove. (For those of you who are not mechanically inclined, this is a really dumb idea.) The contractor also told the woman that she couldn’t insulate the farmhouse because moisture would create a mold problem. (This is true, but it is a problem that is readily solved, and insulating the house is a really good idea.)
Further conversation revealed that the contractor, who was president of some kind of historical building society, had not completed $70,000 worth of work for which he had been paid. The bank repeatedly came to inspect the job, bought the guy’s stories about why the work wasn’t done, and released the next installment of money. The farmhouse owner, of course, signed off on all the payments.
At one point a bank representative asked the farmhouse owner, “Are you sure about this guy?”
“Oh, he’s fine,” she replied. “He’s the president of the historical building society.”
The contractor hasn’t paid the subcontractors, and they’re demanding their money from the farmhouse owner. She hired a lawyer, who went along with a plan suggested by the contractor’s lawyer, which was useless. So now the woman is trying to save her home and her business. Plus, she’s cold.
“Sounds like you’re dealing with a sociopath,” I said.
I don’t know if this woman has any good options. We suggested that she sue the bank, because the bank released the money. But she approved payments, so that may not work. She can’t afford another lawyer. As has happened to many of us who have dealt with sociopaths, she may be stuck holding the bag.
Fort Dix Five
This woman may suffer terrible financial losses. But others involved with sociopaths lose much more.
A few weeks ago, in The con man, the thug and the jihadists, I wrote about the five young Muslim men who were on trial for plotting a terrorist attack against U.S. soldiers at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Most of the prosecution’s case was based on conversations secretly recorded by an informant, an illegal immigrant from Egypt, who was paid $240,000 by the FBI.
I predicted that the jury would see that the informant was a con man who manipulated the young men. I predicted that the defendants would walk. I was wrong.
The five young Muslims were convicted of conspiring to kill military personnel. They were acquitted of the more serious charge of attempted murder because they didn’t actually do anything. Still, they all face life in prison.
Yes, they did go to a shooting range in the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania, shot at targets and shouted “Allahu Akbar,” or “God is great.” They videotaped themselves doing this and brought the tape to a Circuit City store to be converted to DVD. One of them also downloaded violent jihadist videos from the Internet.
But would they have actually have gone any further? Would they have even discussed plans, which were nothing more than vague, wild ideas, if they hadn’t been goaded on by the sociopath, who was being paid to keep them talking?
I know how convincing sociopaths can be, so I don’t think they would have done anything without his encouragement. But I wasn’t on the jury, and the people who were apparently don’t understand sociopaths. So the young Muslims were left holding the bag. They may spend the rest of their lives in prison.
For his efforts, the con man informant, who was twice convicted of bank fraud, was promised legal residency in the United States, courtesy of our Justice Department.
Education is key
The consequences of entanglements with sociopaths are always negative, ranging in scale from unpleasant to deadly.
That’s why Lovefraud’s mission is to educate people about sociopaths. Right now, most people find Lovefraud because they’re already entangled with a sociopath and facing the consequences. We’ll soon announce a new initiative to help people cope with what has happened to them.
But eventually we hope to have programs to educate people about this personality disorder and the red flags of sociopathic behavior. Our goal is to help people escape the terrible consequences by avoiding the predators in the first place.
Oxy, I grew up in the Seattle area in the 1970’s. We lived about 50 minutes from down-town. We never locked our doors….until Ted Bundy. I was 15 when he was driving a volkswagon, sporting a broken arm, and looking for a lost dog….That was when we put new locks on the door, I wasn’t allowed to walk to our neighborhood grocery-store alone after dark….things changed.
I fit the profile of Bundey’s victims so well. Long brown hair parted down the middle, young and niave.
My X sister- in-law swears to this day, she was working at a Seattle Denney’s, and served Bundy coffee for hours, one night…He was charming, good-looking and she was single. He asked her out, and they made arrangements to meet, but thanks to a freak snow-storm, ( not the norm for Seattle) she didn’t show. A year or two later she saw his face on the news.
I moved to Florida with my now X/N retired military husband right at the time they were executing him. We drove through Stark, Fl. and saw restaraunts advertising, “Bundy fries.”
Strange. It seems like Seattle breeds a lot of serial killers.
GeminiGirl:
I was definitely fooled, and she was here for quite a while.
So, they don’t always show themselves right away.
I think that at the time when I found this place, I was an inch away from making the mistep into HELL out of the reflex to run to where I felt safe before.
And without the voices who wrote to me encouraging me to stay here, to read, to end contact and move on even if I was scared or hurting- I don’t know what I might have done. Responded to the pleading? Maybe. It was tempting.
During those early weeks I poured it all out onto paper, tore it up, threw them away and came back here over and over again. Some days, I didn’t do much else.
The obsession was so intense, I couldn’t.
Learning that it can and likely will come back, I seek therapy, and start putting in place strategies to deal with the obsessive memory when it does pop up.
Now finally, I can go back into the world and find that gradually my endurance and energy is returning. But the come back is slow. The wounding was deep. This stuff is really hard. Gut wrenching and scary.
So, what happens for me when we start talking about invaders is that this place doesn’t feel safe. I had that feeling a couple of times when the mention of it would come up because I didn’t get it face to face and I see bogey men behind every tree these days! I;m struggling to regain my confidence and my own identity.
One thing that is really hard for me is that the humiliation was so pervasive, that a few weeks ago, I didn’t know who I was. I married the *>* and took his name and after they put him in jail and I started the discovery process, I couldn’t tell people my name without feeling like I was going to implode because of it. And my work requires that kind of activity with credibility. I work in a situation that is under the microscope constantly.
Here, I could talk about my feelings, what I was learning and work out how to deal with the feelings.
The last post you made Ox, really struck me. How would you know on a blog? Maybe its a good place to practice but maybe its a concentrated environment which could be more prone to being dangerous? The confidence of knowing how to spot one or having a bacside resource to vet people isn’t the common experience. Certainly it isn’t mine. I’d still call myself a newbie!
This is the third time I’ve come into the feelling of being not so safe here because of that kind of comment or discussion. I don’t know based on what you wrote how to choose to make the investment of my story, my words or compassion on the site.
Tonight, I leave the site no less grateful for what is amazing and wonderful than I have been and remain grateful for in this community and unerved by the discomfort that maybe once again I put myself in position to “swallow” one without knowing that I did.
Because I don’t own the discernment – yet. Because it still hurts in the quiet hours when I’m alone. And because the idea that it happened at all is humiliating and frightening.
Its going to take some time and a fair amount of therapy to untie the mess my psyche is in and the choice between therapy and groceries is dear.
This place is so important to holding on to what I have learned and fighting the obsession for me that I will pose the question that weighs heavy on my mind: how do the rest of us learn to know when- or how to feel confident of our acceptance,belonging and safety in telling our stories without years of descerning and backside resources?
‘Jes cuz a cat has kittens in the oven, don’t mean they is biscuits….”
I’m more afraid of being honest here, with people who’s opinions I do care about , than I am, some anonymous cyber-freak that shows up, and shows out pretty quickly.
I’ve shared some stuff about my relationship with one Xp or another….but it took a long time for me to divulge some things about myself that make me vulnerable. It’s easy to be a victim…a whole lot scarier to admit some of your own short-comings.
I’m not scared of the cyber-freaks. Not at all. I’m afraid of you real folks….I want your acceptance so much.
But, It’s a matter of discernment, and time.
I’m only now feeling I can trust enough to let you know me….
but it’s self-trust, too. I’m only now believing I’m good enough, just the way I am.
This is sort of how I imagine the LoveFraud Convention…….
http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/diana-ross-at-central-park-ain-t-no-mountain-high-enough/13a9a847416f832e831813a9a847416f832e8318-1668692640379
Kim,
That makes alot of sense what you said. I have always been kind of a reserved person in social situations and getting to know new people. It is hard for me to meet new people, STILL. I thought this might get easier as I got older….But it hasn’t.
Yet most of my life I have worked with the public and when in my working element I can do fine talking to people and being more openly friendly & outgoing. But out of that element, not so much. I suppose that is the difference. There is no vulnerability at stake, such as there is in a social situation.
Most of my friends are people I have known for years and they are as comfortable to be around as wearing a well worn pair of slippers.
Rosa, PERFECT. WOUldn’t that be incredible? Thanks for another LF anthem.
Rosa,
Whos singing at our convention Rosa…Diana? Love that song…
Showing my age here…
Thanks, Witty. You’re a very kind person. I know that about you. You go out of your way to welcome people. You give people the okay to be who they are. Thanks.
Dear Silvermoon and Kim
NO ONE HERE HAS BEEN FOOLED MORE TIMES THAN I HAVE BEEN….that’s a fact kiddos. I been the absolute worst of victims, cause very time one P walked by I waved my hand and said OVER HERE! PICK MEEEEE!!!!
But at the same tiime, I am finally being HONEST WITH MYSELF, and able to be HERE and be pretty honest and up front. Kimmie will tell ya Silver, I pretty much say it like I see it! I DO try to use tact but I’m not always successful.
When I first came here I was SOOOO RAW and there was this biatch that came here TRUMPETING what a “poor victim” she was and I was finally getting my mind around the fact that I had volunteered for the abuse over and over, and starting to ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALLOWING IT TO CONTINUE.
Aloha, who was one of the earliest posters here (and she comes back from time to time though she is working on her masters degree) and she and I said something to this biatch and she UNLOADED ON US. Both Aloha and I were totally SHOCKED and hurt and both of us couldn’t believe it. We withdrew from posting because WE BLAMED OURSELVES FOR HURTING THIS BIATCH–excuse me “VICTIM”—who was insisting that we validate her view of how “innocent” she was and ho0w she had NOTHING to do with the continual and on going problems etc.
Well, Donna talked to us and both Aloha and I realized that not everyone who presents themselves as a “Poor victim” is really a “victim”—in fact, some of them are actually just abuser who got the worst end of the fight, but boy, do they love to present themselves as “innocent victims.”
Now, LET’S HAVE A SHOW OF HANDS—How many ofv the Ps you know presented themselves as “caring” and stated they had been VICTIMIZED in the past by: 1) ex wife or GF/BF? 2) mean old parents? 3) bad old boss, etc. you get the idea.
Hell, EVERY P I ever knew played the PITY PLOY and the FEEL SORRY FOR ME card.
The poster that Rosa and Gem are talking about was here for a long time and every one was out to “get her” and everyone here poured out support and good advice and concern for her.
Eventually though, I started to see a PATTERN and I think others did too. IT was ALL ABOUT HER! She sucked support but rarely GAVE ANY.
Now, I will admit to you that I have thrown the major pity party here a time or three, but more times than not my posts are GIVING support than asking for it.
If you notice with most posters when they come here as newbies, they SUCK support, but within a FEW DAYS they are OFFERING SUPPORT AND EXTENDING A HAND TO OTHERS.
That is usually a Good sign someone is sincere and is MOVING TOWARD HEALING.
The P that I got involved with off line (trying to help of course) was a GREAT ONE FOR GIVING SUPPORT TO OTHERS here at LF and other on line places. I mean this person was GREAT, “caring, kind, literate etc.” I reached out to help (it turned out we had a mutual acquaintence) anyway, I reached out to see if I could help this person get back on their feet. It wasn’t long before they stated to try to attach to me like a leech. I spoke with our mutual friend about my concerns about this person, this friend concurred with my assessment of the person and I also contacted others who were acquainted with them, and there was a pretty good history of some “conning” going on in the background and some stories not matching up.
When confronted with my discoveries, I have never ever seen such an outpouring of a “pity poor me” performance in my life.
If it had been on a stage there would have been unending standing ovations for the quality of the acting! But, knowing it was all a LIE, KNOWING THAT NONE OF WHAT THEY SAID WAS TRUE….watching the twisting and turning of circumstances like a roast turning over a fire, I watched UNMOVED AT ALL. I actually realized how it must feel for a psychopath to watch us crying and begging them for mercy and for them to feel totally unmoved by our crying. I was NOT moved by that person’s crying and accusing, lying and gaslighting.
In the past every time my son or my egg donor or someone of that ilk had blamed me for everything that had happened to them from the first time they fell down trying to learn to walk to getting arrested for murder, somehow I had bought it and blamed myself at least for not “helping enough.” But you know, with this person, I didn’t buy it. I had given them EVERY OPPORTUNITY to help themselves and they had stood there at the plate, blaming me for not putting the “food” on a fork and hand feeding it to them after I had cooked it, put it on the plate and carried it to them.
NO one here on LF can attack me through the screen, and no one is going to run me off from here unless it is DONNA.
I applaud the brave souls who have published their stories here with their LEGAL NAMES above them, my story is here, and the articles I have written are here, and I “hide behind” a SCREEN NAME. Kathy Hawk used to post under a screen name, but she “came out of the closet” eventually, but I have chosen NOT to come out of the “closet.” Donna knows who I am, Liane knows, Kathy knows, and there have been one or two others through the years that I have given my personal e mail to. Not because they were “better” people or friends to me or I liked them better than anyone else here on the blog, but for one reason or another, there was something in particular I thought I could help them with.
Going back through the old posts, many of those people have “moved on” with their lives, while I stick around….sometimes going through the old posts is like going through your old high school annual–I wonder what ever happened to so-and-so?
I am not always “right” in assessing a blogger’s state of mind or intention, that’s for dead sure! But I am becoming MORE OBSERVANT and less raw, and if someone gets pithed at me and lets me have it, I’m not going to melt down about it like a candle in the hot sun! I will just say, “Sorry if you are offended, no offense intended.” That is true, I never do intend to offend though sometimes I do offend, but I no longer accept blame for what other people think or feel.
So, YES Lovefraud is my SAFE PLACE to blog, to exchange ideas on, and just like my yard is my safe place, it doesn’t mean a snake isn’t going to slither through the yard once in a while, but I’m not going to live in terror of them! Love and Hugs and prayers for us all!