This week we are continuing to discuss The Psychopathic Mind by J. Reid Meloy, Ph.D. The author is diplomate in forensic psychology, former Chief of the Forensic Mental Health Division for San Diego County and Past President of the American Academy of Forensic Psychology. As I said last week, my initial reaction to the book was rather negative because I believe this author has made some assertions that have become the basis for inaccurate folklore that has spread over the internet (to be discussed in the coming weeks). But Dr. Meloy made up for all that by setting the record straight on a very important issue—the spectrum of psychopathy.
The idea that psychopathy is a spectrum and that “sociopaths/psychopaths” vary in severity means that there is no real point at which “normal” stops and “sociopath/psychopath” starts. Any decision about where to draw this line (after gathering information on a large group of people) is in a sense arbitrary.
The idea that “psychopathic disturbance” (as Dr. Meloy calls it) is a spectrum can be very confusing. Many people feel a sense of relief when they finally figure out that the person who has harmed them is “a sociopath.” By “sociopath” they mean categorically different from everyone else, a different type of human. Now I am saying there is really no category, just an extreme on a continuum.
I want to point out that we talk about the extremes of the continuum of traits as if they are categories all the time. Think about the adjectives tall, genius, beautiful, athletic etc. and you will realize that although these concepts exist in theory, it can be difficult to correctly place individuals into any of these categories on a strictly yes/no basis. The only time it is easy is when you are dealing with the extreme cases.
It is however; very important to understand how the interaction between spectra and categories affects us. For example, if you are used to being with players in the NBA, most everyone outside of the NBA will seem “short” and the perception of “tall” will also be skewed. To the NBA, 6’2″ is short!
This problem of perception while in the midst of an extreme population has created a problem for forensic psychology. When Dr. Hare first developed the psychopathy checklist, it was thought to differentiate criminals who are “psychopaths” from other criminals who are “not psychopaths.” Well, I maintain that this is exactly the same as calling a 6’2″ NBA player “short.”
I am also concerned with how our perception of psychopathy changes when we see it in the community. When we are in the community a person who has “a little” psychopathy stands out as a 6’2″ person would in a crowd. Many pose the question, “Is my _______ a jerk or a psychopath?” When we understand psychopathy as a spectrum we see that such distinctions are not very useful. It is more useful to ask “How much psychopathic disturbance does my ________ have?”
I have looked extensively in the scientific literature for the exact Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R) scores that might indicate mild, moderate and severe psychopathic disturbance. If you are following what I am saying you will immediately realize that these definitions are important in determining just how many “psychopaths” there are. When I searched the literature several years ago, I reported on this blog that about 10% of the population has significant psychopathy. That 10% figure corresponds to a cut-off score of about 12 on the PCL-R.
In The Psychopathic Mind, p. 318 Dr. Meloy says the following:
Mild psychopathic disturbance 10-19
Moderate psychopathic disturbance 20-29
Severe psychopathic disturbance 30-40
This is more or less what I also determined given my clinical experience and reading of the literature. You might ask why I harp on this so much and why am I harping on it again? The reason I bring this all up is to help those of you who are stuck in a relationship with someone who has “mild psychopathic disturbance.” Steve Becker also talked about the problem of “mild psychopathy” this week When he’s just a bad dude, though he did not call it that.
In what I am about to say I depart from Meloy and give you my own opinion.
The nature of “Mild Psychopathy”
Psychopathic disturbance as Meloy also describes it is a disorder of motives. Since we all have these motives psychopathy is a spectrum. Psychopathy is an imbalance between love and power motives along with degrees of poor impulse control.
A person who is severely affected with psychopathy has no love motives at all. If we could perfectly measure the love motive, we could indeed form a category of those who have NO capacity for love. That category probably also includes some individuals with “moderate disturbance” and all with “severe disturbance.”
Individuals with mild psychopathy have some ability to love. Because they can love a little, what they do is particularly harmful to “loved ones.” They switch back and forth, in and out of “loving” states. When they are in a loving state, they truly have no emotional or other memory of their experiences outside of that state. Similarly when they are in the “power mode” they have no access to the memories of the love mode. It’s as if they have a split personality. Their poor partner is left asking, “Will the real ________ please stand up?”
The dilemma for partners and family members, is that both states are real. Those involved with the “mildly psychopathic” have to make a tough decision. They have to decide whether or not to let go of a person who they have shared real intimacy with. That is much harder than letting go of someone with severe psychopathic disturbance where the entire relationship was a sham.
Erin, OxD, Sister…
Thanks for your responses. After I posted I thought to myself, “Would you like some cheese with that WHINE?” I’ll try to refrain from the pity parties in the future!
Geez, your tough love was tough to hear though! But I’ll try to take it to heart, man-up a little, be responsible, and make improvements.
There’s a lot to think about. I’m so thankful you all are here to listen and help. Lovefraud is a great site, a great place to be honest with each other (“brutally” honest 🙂 just kidding). Someday I’ll be past this enough to give good advice to someone else.
GREAT TIP: BRING YOUR CAR KEYS TO BED WITH YOU. IF YOU HEAR AN INTRUDER YOU CAN SOUND YOUR CAR ALARM TO INSTILL FEAR AND KEEP YOURSELF SAFE.
Rejoicing in a day of NC! Usually I have to deal with text messages or he insists on “being a father” which predominately consists of demands for attention from his child or from others as a result of the sweetness of said baby. Of course this is only one day of peace following a week of reasonable, pleasant and considerate behavior so the other shoe is sure to drop, probably this weekend. He has a knack for making them miserable.
I am now able to see features of the pattern & have taken the responsibility off my own shoulders for his his bad behavior. I blamed myself & I did everything I could to no avail. My efforts, my sympathies (I thought he was suffering from PTSD–Vet), my tireless work at home at bringing home the bacon were not enough to build our marriage. I was tapped out, sucked emotionally dry.
So Sistersister and all the sisters here: I will NOT play the game anymore. I make my rules. If I don’t like what you do, say or act around me you will KNOW it. And the way to respond to a N/S/P under such circumstances, I am learning, IS bizarro…counterintuitive yet directly from the gut to include: emotional command, strategically feeding and starving the ego, fortified bunker of boundaries and fierce defense of the self and rights to raise the child in a healthy environment.
This is SO much work. Work I feel good about and need the support of those like minded with experience & God’s help to get though.
One lesson learned this week: If you don’t battle directly, if you are emotionally and logistically prepared and can call their bluff or hold them to their demands (more time with their child) their threats fizzle just like their promises.
It is also helpful to have some kind of mantra to say silently to yourself when they push your buttons or try…choose something that brightens your spirits and makes you chuckle inside. SO helpful to keep your sense of humor.
Peaceful & fearless tonight!
Fearless…..
Oh…..you soooooo got it!
Great advice! I’m glad your sharing….THANKS!
Dear Justdreamin,
TOWANDA!!!! BABY!!!! Glad you didn’t take offense at my bashing, because I really didn’t want to hurt you and believe it or not it was tough LOVE. “The truth will set you free but first it will PITH YOU OFF!”
And believe me, I’ve been pithed off and pithed on and none of it is a happy meal and fries! But there are just times when we have to face the truth and pull our canoe out of the RIVER DENIAL!
I hope you will stick around, I actually can be nice, and I’ll give you an ice pack after I boink the hail out of you! LOL ((((Hugs)))) There have been so many times I too have lay in the fetal position crying and wishing someone would hold me and make it “all better” and Hey, there’s no one here that I know of who hasn’t had a “whine and pity party” (with or without the cheese) from time to time…and I’ve had some dozies so welcome to the club! You get and deserve a BIG ((((HUG))))) and an ice pack! Love Oxy
Justdreamin;
It is hard to hear…..but if we coddled you, we wouldn’t be honest with ya…..Oxy’s right….we do it because we care about you.
I tend to be a harsh, to the point poster….geterdone type of poster…..I want to root everyone to take control….it’s my contribution of giving back for all the peeps in my life who were brutally honest with me and woke my ass up.
If I stayed buried in the sand…..I’d of had spath dump more sand on top of that too……i’d be dead now.
It is hard to hear…..but the good part is, your thinking about it all….absorbing it…..and detoxing…..that is GROWTH!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!
Give yourself some credit and an ice pack.
XXOO
EB
Justdreamin, Here is my take: You are being emotionally black=mailed. He holds the cards because You made a mistake. Now YOU HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. YOU MUST. The only way out is through. Period. And, “you are only as sick as the secrets you keep.” Honestly.
Accept yourself and the mistakes you’ve made, take back your power in this situation, let the light of day shine on your darkest corners and come clean. You’ll be amzed at how relieved you will feel and you will be, “free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, free at last.
Your abuser will have zero power once you are no longer fearful.
Also, I wonder if you aren’t really angry at your Hub for being a really passive person whom you have set up to save you/protect you/stop you/etc.etc.etc.
It’s not his job, It’s your job. Put on the big girl panties and suck it up, sweety. It’s soooo much better on this side.
Someone accused me of playing the martyr years ago. Takes a while to realize that yes, you really are in charge of your own life. No one can live it for you, no matter how attractive the idea may be at times. Can be a tough lesson to learn, but so worth it.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14732-overcoming-the-role-of-victim-or-martyr/
I hear all this half-apologetic stuff here, but honestly, isn’t that our trouble, right there? We’re too nice a bunch of people.
I don’t mean we should become a-holes generally. But gosh, it seems the only thing holding us back from kicking our spaths to the curb is our images of ourselves as such nice people. We just don’t do things like that!
That’s playing by THEIR rules: “If you do this to me, I will define you as a mean person.” Blackmail. They count on our sticking to the nice-guy script. Well, then . . . do something unexpected, “crazy.”
I’m a good person because I do good in the world, refrain from crimes both petty and large, and feel compassion for people really worthy of that. And I save my loving energy for where it’s going to do the most good.
Beyond that, I don’t care if some den of spaths is comparing notes about what a bitch I am.
I’m with you, @kim Frederick. It’s better on this side, playing with the grown-ups. Come on home, @justdreamin, we’ll leave the light on for you. Fearful of him? When you realize that NOBODY CAN DEFINE YOU AS BAD WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION, your accuser will go “poof!”.
Go out and buy yourself a new outfit, a respectable wife outfit, if that is who you truly want to be. Do you? There are shops for vixens, too. This is not the Church of the Sexually Repressed, honey — unless you want it to be. Decide what you’re going to do, dress the part, and feel proud of it. Declare yourself.
And if you choose the respectable wife suit with sensible shoes, wear them while you talk to your husband about the new relationship you are going to work out together. Confess everything, but with clarity. Not “I was a bad, deceitful person,” but the TRUTH — You were deceived by a person who knew all your vulnerable buttons, and you’re willing to work on those spots in yourself.
I recommend the shopping trip because it honors the positive direction you’re going in, and the rewards, not the painful struggle away from something bad in yourself. You get to enjoy life and try on a new self. It’s the TOWANDA! way. Go, not stop. Full throttle.
Spaths love it when people operate on that low-RPM level, like, this and that happened, and he did that to me, and I did that to him, and all those feelings, and everything has to make sense, blah blah blah. It’s their feeding ground. Speed it up, and turn it around. “Pardon my dust.”
Not into the consumer culture? Do it anyway. Go shopping, without guilt, and buy yourself an Orange Julius at the mall, babe. Because you’re worth it.
Just my two cents!
Sistersister, I so agree…We do need to see ourselves as nice, and it is our downfall…I think a lot of us have a whole identity wrapped around it! And yep, they sure know it and use it against us.