This week we are continuing to discuss The Psychopathic Mind by J. Reid Meloy, Ph.D. The author is diplomate in forensic psychology, former Chief of the Forensic Mental Health Division for San Diego County and Past President of the American Academy of Forensic Psychology. As I said last week, my initial reaction to the book was rather negative because I believe this author has made some assertions that have become the basis for inaccurate folklore that has spread over the internet (to be discussed in the coming weeks). But Dr. Meloy made up for all that by setting the record straight on a very important issue—the spectrum of psychopathy.
The idea that psychopathy is a spectrum and that “sociopaths/psychopaths” vary in severity means that there is no real point at which “normal” stops and “sociopath/psychopath” starts. Any decision about where to draw this line (after gathering information on a large group of people) is in a sense arbitrary.
The idea that “psychopathic disturbance” (as Dr. Meloy calls it) is a spectrum can be very confusing. Many people feel a sense of relief when they finally figure out that the person who has harmed them is “a sociopath.” By “sociopath” they mean categorically different from everyone else, a different type of human. Now I am saying there is really no category, just an extreme on a continuum.
I want to point out that we talk about the extremes of the continuum of traits as if they are categories all the time. Think about the adjectives tall, genius, beautiful, athletic etc. and you will realize that although these concepts exist in theory, it can be difficult to correctly place individuals into any of these categories on a strictly yes/no basis. The only time it is easy is when you are dealing with the extreme cases.
It is however; very important to understand how the interaction between spectra and categories affects us. For example, if you are used to being with players in the NBA, most everyone outside of the NBA will seem “short” and the perception of “tall” will also be skewed. To the NBA, 6’2″ is short!
This problem of perception while in the midst of an extreme population has created a problem for forensic psychology. When Dr. Hare first developed the psychopathy checklist, it was thought to differentiate criminals who are “psychopaths” from other criminals who are “not psychopaths.” Well, I maintain that this is exactly the same as calling a 6’2″ NBA player “short.”
I am also concerned with how our perception of psychopathy changes when we see it in the community. When we are in the community a person who has “a little” psychopathy stands out as a 6’2″ person would in a crowd. Many pose the question, “Is my _______ a jerk or a psychopath?” When we understand psychopathy as a spectrum we see that such distinctions are not very useful. It is more useful to ask “How much psychopathic disturbance does my ________ have?”
I have looked extensively in the scientific literature for the exact Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R) scores that might indicate mild, moderate and severe psychopathic disturbance. If you are following what I am saying you will immediately realize that these definitions are important in determining just how many “psychopaths” there are. When I searched the literature several years ago, I reported on this blog that about 10% of the population has significant psychopathy. That 10% figure corresponds to a cut-off score of about 12 on the PCL-R.
In The Psychopathic Mind, p. 318 Dr. Meloy says the following:
Mild psychopathic disturbance 10-19
Moderate psychopathic disturbance 20-29
Severe psychopathic disturbance 30-40
This is more or less what I also determined given my clinical experience and reading of the literature. You might ask why I harp on this so much and why am I harping on it again? The reason I bring this all up is to help those of you who are stuck in a relationship with someone who has “mild psychopathic disturbance.” Steve Becker also talked about the problem of “mild psychopathy” this week When he’s just a bad dude, though he did not call it that.
In what I am about to say I depart from Meloy and give you my own opinion.
The nature of “Mild Psychopathy”
Psychopathic disturbance as Meloy also describes it is a disorder of motives. Since we all have these motives psychopathy is a spectrum. Psychopathy is an imbalance between love and power motives along with degrees of poor impulse control.
A person who is severely affected with psychopathy has no love motives at all. If we could perfectly measure the love motive, we could indeed form a category of those who have NO capacity for love. That category probably also includes some individuals with “moderate disturbance” and all with “severe disturbance.”
Individuals with mild psychopathy have some ability to love. Because they can love a little, what they do is particularly harmful to “loved ones.” They switch back and forth, in and out of “loving” states. When they are in a loving state, they truly have no emotional or other memory of their experiences outside of that state. Similarly when they are in the “power mode” they have no access to the memories of the love mode. It’s as if they have a split personality. Their poor partner is left asking, “Will the real ________ please stand up?”
The dilemma for partners and family members, is that both states are real. Those involved with the “mildly psychopathic” have to make a tough decision. They have to decide whether or not to let go of a person who they have shared real intimacy with. That is much harder than letting go of someone with severe psychopathic disturbance where the entire relationship was a sham.
Yea, Kim, she sure made me feel humble…She’s got the house sheet rocked inside and ready to start trimming it and “mudding” it to get it ready for paint inside. I did a lot of work on my house—and I could mud sheet rock with the …well, not the BEST….but I can do it good enough for government work! I can hang wall paper with the BEST of them, that I can do, and I’m pretty good painting as well (and she is about the age I was when we put this house over here in the woods) and that 20+ years in age difference between me now and me then makes a difference, but she did humble me in how strong she has been and still is.
I think part of my being so impressed with her was that I sure hadn’t expected to meet someone like that—I guess it was sort of like running into a movie start at the grocery store, you don’t expect it to happen. I sure did enjoy meeting her though, and seeing her cute little DOLL HOUSE! And to hear her plans.
OxDrover;
One place I try not to go is the bitter route. Angry is OK, in fact necessary to get over a sociopath, but bitter and revenge no.
With my x-spath, its easy for me to think that he is getting what for him, is the worst possible punishment for his “crimes” — premature and rapid aging. I don’t do that because no matter what, even though I am blessed the other way, one day I will be there.
I would rather focus on living a good life than seeing somebody else miserable.
BBE, I AM so glad though that you are connecting to “family” and people who are meaningful and positive in your life. It is interesting to me how many people have so few positive connections in their lives–either friends or family. I have FEWER (numerically) connections now than I did, but the ones I have retained are the GOLD STANDARD for “friends and family.” So I feel very very blessed.
Things like a spathexperience or a death or health problems can shake us out of our tree of apathy and make us realize how short our lives really are—and especially how short YOUTH is. Also, make us realize how what is REALLY IMPORTANT in life is NOT the size of the check we can write but the LOVE WE CAN GIVE AND RECEIVE, the good and happiness that we can pass on to others. Because NO ONE can carry a U-haul with them when they leave this world and no matter how high and mighty or how famous or infamous we are or become, our name will be forgotten and wiped away with time….except for what is carved on the hearts of those we loved and who loved us.
HE IS GONE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you guys so so very much for your support and encouraging words and well-intentioned butt-kicking you gave me (above) a few days ago. With your words ringing in my ears I plunged in and told my husband everything. He totally helped me in every way and TOGETHER we kicked him out.
There is a whole story to tell and I’ll get to it eventually but I just wanted to say THANK YOU ALL so much. You gave me the courage to report what was going on… I’m free, my family is free, my husband is laughing and smiling… you’ve liberated our whole family, our marriage, our future!
Happy dance!!!! Chocolate milk all around !!!
The spath thought he was entitled to stay, despite the things he’s done to me and all of us, even asked us for $200 going out the door. It was ugly and we had to get 6 cops involved but I don’t care … it’s done … HE’S GONE !!!!!!!
Not only that, but remember when I whined about wanting to go to the beach instead of dealing with all this … guess where I “coincidentally” got to go over the weekend? Yes the beach! With my husband who loves me and not a spath in sight. My cake and eating it too. Yay!! Is God just amazing or what!?!?
Love and hugs all around!!!!!
Yay~! 🙂
Justdreaming,
So happy for you! You sound like a new person, you don’t have that horrible black cloud hanging over you. It’s nice to hear good news, I’m glad that game playing freak left for good! They sometimes get touchy so make sure you keep the doors locked at night!
Good times from now on! Thanks for sharing with us, glad to hear of a happy ending.
Justdreaming;
Sometimes we allow fear to paralyze us.
If we overcome the fear, we are usually surprised at the outcome.
99% of what we fear,never materializes.
I’m glad you confided in your husband and opened that door.
That was the only way ‘out’.
I’m also glad hubby responded to you in a helpful-open fashion.
Stick together with hubby…..and never forget these lessons you have been shown.
Dear Just dreaming,
I’m so glad for you!!!! I hope you had a great labor day weekend and that things are settling down for you! I know you must feel like you have been let out of jail!
6 Cops to get him out and then he asks for $200 on the way out the door! Don’t they have some nerve! Keep your eyes open though, he may try to come back, but I think you disarmed his ability to black mail you and keep you hostage when you “shelled down the corn” to your husband.
“The truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off”
I also hope as does ErinB that you will take to heart the lessons you have learned about psychopaths, this is not likely the only one you will ever meet. Keep on learning! Growing and healing. (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
For certain Dr. Meloy is a King among kings when it comes to articulating the essence of psychpathy. I once heard him say at a conference that, “Psychopaths lie like they brush their teeth”.
Remember in the latter episode of the Sopranos when Dr. Malfi finally reconciles herself to the reality that Tony is a Psychopath? What took her so long to let go? Friends, try not to feel so bad; if it took Malfi all those episodes, why should we be any different!
I went multiple seasons!
(I don’t watch the Sopranos’)