This week we are continuing to discuss The Psychopathic Mind by J. Reid Meloy, Ph.D. The author is diplomate in forensic psychology, former Chief of the Forensic Mental Health Division for San Diego County and Past President of the American Academy of Forensic Psychology. As I said last week, my initial reaction to the book was rather negative because I believe this author has made some assertions that have become the basis for inaccurate folklore that has spread over the internet (to be discussed in the coming weeks). But Dr. Meloy made up for all that by setting the record straight on a very important issue—the spectrum of psychopathy.
The idea that psychopathy is a spectrum and that “sociopaths/psychopaths” vary in severity means that there is no real point at which “normal” stops and “sociopath/psychopath” starts. Any decision about where to draw this line (after gathering information on a large group of people) is in a sense arbitrary.
The idea that “psychopathic disturbance” (as Dr. Meloy calls it) is a spectrum can be very confusing. Many people feel a sense of relief when they finally figure out that the person who has harmed them is “a sociopath.” By “sociopath” they mean categorically different from everyone else, a different type of human. Now I am saying there is really no category, just an extreme on a continuum.
I want to point out that we talk about the extremes of the continuum of traits as if they are categories all the time. Think about the adjectives tall, genius, beautiful, athletic etc. and you will realize that although these concepts exist in theory, it can be difficult to correctly place individuals into any of these categories on a strictly yes/no basis. The only time it is easy is when you are dealing with the extreme cases.
It is however; very important to understand how the interaction between spectra and categories affects us. For example, if you are used to being with players in the NBA, most everyone outside of the NBA will seem “short” and the perception of “tall” will also be skewed. To the NBA, 6’2″ is short!
This problem of perception while in the midst of an extreme population has created a problem for forensic psychology. When Dr. Hare first developed the psychopathy checklist, it was thought to differentiate criminals who are “psychopaths” from other criminals who are “not psychopaths.” Well, I maintain that this is exactly the same as calling a 6’2″ NBA player “short.”
I am also concerned with how our perception of psychopathy changes when we see it in the community. When we are in the community a person who has “a little” psychopathy stands out as a 6’2″ person would in a crowd. Many pose the question, “Is my _______ a jerk or a psychopath?” When we understand psychopathy as a spectrum we see that such distinctions are not very useful. It is more useful to ask “How much psychopathic disturbance does my ________ have?”
I have looked extensively in the scientific literature for the exact Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R) scores that might indicate mild, moderate and severe psychopathic disturbance. If you are following what I am saying you will immediately realize that these definitions are important in determining just how many “psychopaths” there are. When I searched the literature several years ago, I reported on this blog that about 10% of the population has significant psychopathy. That 10% figure corresponds to a cut-off score of about 12 on the PCL-R.
In The Psychopathic Mind, p. 318 Dr. Meloy says the following:
Mild psychopathic disturbance 10-19
Moderate psychopathic disturbance 20-29
Severe psychopathic disturbance 30-40
This is more or less what I also determined given my clinical experience and reading of the literature. You might ask why I harp on this so much and why am I harping on it again? The reason I bring this all up is to help those of you who are stuck in a relationship with someone who has “mild psychopathic disturbance.” Steve Becker also talked about the problem of “mild psychopathy” this week When he’s just a bad dude, though he did not call it that.
In what I am about to say I depart from Meloy and give you my own opinion.
The nature of “Mild Psychopathy”
Psychopathic disturbance as Meloy also describes it is a disorder of motives. Since we all have these motives psychopathy is a spectrum. Psychopathy is an imbalance between love and power motives along with degrees of poor impulse control.
A person who is severely affected with psychopathy has no love motives at all. If we could perfectly measure the love motive, we could indeed form a category of those who have NO capacity for love. That category probably also includes some individuals with “moderate disturbance” and all with “severe disturbance.”
Individuals with mild psychopathy have some ability to love. Because they can love a little, what they do is particularly harmful to “loved ones.” They switch back and forth, in and out of “loving” states. When they are in a loving state, they truly have no emotional or other memory of their experiences outside of that state. Similarly when they are in the “power mode” they have no access to the memories of the love mode. It’s as if they have a split personality. Their poor partner is left asking, “Will the real ________ please stand up?”
The dilemma for partners and family members, is that both states are real. Those involved with the “mildly psychopathic” have to make a tough decision. They have to decide whether or not to let go of a person who they have shared real intimacy with. That is much harder than letting go of someone with severe psychopathic disturbance where the entire relationship was a sham.
GASP!
Nice song, EB. It makes me feel a little sad though, for all those kids that don’t have that kind of love. Every kid deserves that.
whoa sade! is it hot in here???
One step, I thought the same thing…and I’m about as hetero as it gets…but yeah she’s hot.
How the he$% are ya?
I LOVE SADE!!!!!!
Dear OxDrover,
Thanks for your answer. I feel like I’ve been hit over the head with a skillet for some reason… 🙂
Really, thanks. I was hoping you or someone would give it to me straight. I have to “quit playing games”? Ouch. I guess I’ll accept that although in my own defense, I didn’t think I was playing games up until now. But now that I’ve learned so much, and have the true perspective on it, yes, to continue listening to the s-path, to continue to take any comfort from him at all, to take his side, that would be me playing games and continuing the cycle.
Second, ok, I’m the victim. It doesn’t seem fair that the victim in all this should have to be the one to stop it! Everyone else is stronger and could much more easily stop it than me. I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck and left for dead. And now I have to pick my own self up too?
My husband is the “rescuer” in the triangle, but he really isn’t a rescuer. He has let this go on and on even though he knows or senses something is really wrong. I wish he WOULD rescue me! Enforce no-contact for me, make it all easier for me! His reluctance to act is exploited by the s-path:
This is what the s-path whispers to me: if your husband really loved you, he’d stand up for you, pay some attention… this is going on in his house and he’s blind to it… that’s how much he loves you…baby, at least I care about you… you’re everything to me, don’t I always tell you that… —— That’s pretty messed up isn’t it??
My husband and I did have an airing out of it after the few weeks when the s-path and I were functioning basically as boyfriend-girlfriend. That was bad, like a dream world to me, I felt coerced into it and helpless to resist it. Thankfully the s-path dumped me quickly and outside observers (i.e. everyone but me) thought all that weirdness and awkward situation had passed. Several months have gone by so everyone thinks things are pretty much normal, on a even keel. What my husband doesn’t know is all the abuse that has taken place since then.
The worst of all of it has been the recent months. I’m nothing to the s-path, except when he wants something from me. Then he will use every tactic of abuse and manipulation to get me to conform. He is doing just enough to keep me hooked, never really getting over the weird few weeks. This has been emotional and mental torture. (No-contact is all that has kept me sane recently.) If I told my husband, he would surely (finally!) kick him out … so why don’t I tell my husband … because I’m protecting my abuser … because I’m trauma-bonded and afraid I can’t breathe without him (sometimes literally) … oh wow. I must be really messed up, someone could write a book about me.
I wish someone would just step in and do this for me. Anyone want to live my life for a while, I’ll go to the beach and come back when it’s all straightened out. Why does it have to be up to ME? It’s like the poor guy who was caught alone in a rock slide and had to saw off his own arm with a pocketknife to get free.
This whole situation doesn’t even seem like my real life. How can it even be real? We are normal people in the suburbs with a dog and a minivan. I wish it would all go away easily without any more drama. Honestly, I wish the s-path would just get put in jail, or even just die. It would be so much easier than me having to do the work of chasing him off. Last time we talked I asked him to leave. I have asked him several times before. He says no, that he will never leave me, he won’t let me go. I heard Dr. Phil say, you can’t tell these people no, you have to give them a big Hell No! I hate this, I can already see sirens and fists.
BTW, this s-path is NOT my son. I offered to be Mom to him a long time ago, honestly with pure motives and selfless intentions, but he chose to take this relationship in a “romantic”/weird/abusive direction instead. I told him that was a foolish choice. The first few times he acted inappropriately I immediately started to call my husband, but he quickly threatened to kill himself. At the time I had never heard anyone say that, and didn’t know it was a manipulative ploy. I agreed to “wait” to tell until he calmed down, then things started snowballing to the point I was embarrassed to tell anything, then he had enough “on me” to blackmail me with it, as if it was my fault, but he could twist it to look that way for sure.
He knows I’m not his Mom, he doesn’t see me that way, he does have a living “real” mom after all, he only uses the mom-word when he tries to guilt me for something. I no longer claim ANY relationship to him. I told him that last time we talked. “Friend” would be stretching it. “Abuser” would be most accurate.
Well there’s a lot still to think about. I’m going to have to start lifting weights and getting STRONG! Got any heavy skillets, Oxy? Thanks so much, God bless your heart for putting up with my mess.
I’m back after another round of the abuse spin cycle! Even armed with all the hystory and knowlkedge about N/S/P’s ….all the promises to myself to have NC, all the pain….I went back after 3 months of NC. He charmed me with love bombs from different directions….all un-expected…I against my better judgement.
I am NOT making myself a perpetual vicitm. I feel I have better understanding of how and why this happened to me again. 4 years of a 12 week on and off again insanity. A combination of my c0-depencdance “love addiciton” and his Narcisstic “mild Psychopathy” personality with the ability to have “love episodes”.
He’s a “bad dude” without question, but he can be oh so charming, rational and loving….which is why this article really hit home with me… “Individuals with mild psychopathy have some ability to love. Because they can love a little, what they do is particularly harmful to “loved ones.” They switch back and forth, in and out of “loving” states”
This is exactly what happened ….”I love you”-“I hate you”….lots of love then deception, lying, cruelty, and so on. So here I am again, with the all familiar promise to heal my psychy and spirit and not fall back to my addiction of this most harmfull NS.
I received something similar to the below from a friend today.
I thought this would be great to share with my LF homeys.
To those who have taught me..in this circle of mine”.I thank you! To those “new” to the circle, I welcome the lessons and wisdom you bring,! To those who closely share an old circle, I celebrate the “life lessons” I learn from you.
I wish us all a safe calm walk we are offered here at LF.
Aeylah;
Girl….your back….that’s what’s most important!
Keep reading, feel the pain, absorb what you’ve learned and KNOW WHAT”S BEST FOR YOU!!!
Stop the insanity! Learn your value to YOU!
Welcome back darlen.
Thanks ErinB!
Curiously, this time the heartache and anxciety seems less painfull. I don’t know why it takes so many darn times to “get it”, but I do believe this is it.
I’ve read all the books…now reading “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody, which is really helping me understand my part in all this madness.
You’re right….the bottom line is to learn to value OURSELVES more!
You guys are awsome! thanks.