This week we are continuing to discuss The Psychopathic Mind by J. Reid Meloy, Ph.D. The author is diplomate in forensic psychology, former Chief of the Forensic Mental Health Division for San Diego County and Past President of the American Academy of Forensic Psychology. As I said last week, my initial reaction to the book was rather negative because I believe this author has made some assertions that have become the basis for inaccurate folklore that has spread over the internet (to be discussed in the coming weeks). But Dr. Meloy made up for all that by setting the record straight on a very important issue—the spectrum of psychopathy.
The idea that psychopathy is a spectrum and that “sociopaths/psychopaths” vary in severity means that there is no real point at which “normal” stops and “sociopath/psychopath” starts. Any decision about where to draw this line (after gathering information on a large group of people) is in a sense arbitrary.
The idea that “psychopathic disturbance” (as Dr. Meloy calls it) is a spectrum can be very confusing. Many people feel a sense of relief when they finally figure out that the person who has harmed them is “a sociopath.” By “sociopath” they mean categorically different from everyone else, a different type of human. Now I am saying there is really no category, just an extreme on a continuum.
I want to point out that we talk about the extremes of the continuum of traits as if they are categories all the time. Think about the adjectives tall, genius, beautiful, athletic etc. and you will realize that although these concepts exist in theory, it can be difficult to correctly place individuals into any of these categories on a strictly yes/no basis. The only time it is easy is when you are dealing with the extreme cases.
It is however; very important to understand how the interaction between spectra and categories affects us. For example, if you are used to being with players in the NBA, most everyone outside of the NBA will seem “short” and the perception of “tall” will also be skewed. To the NBA, 6’2″ is short!
This problem of perception while in the midst of an extreme population has created a problem for forensic psychology. When Dr. Hare first developed the psychopathy checklist, it was thought to differentiate criminals who are “psychopaths” from other criminals who are “not psychopaths.” Well, I maintain that this is exactly the same as calling a 6’2″ NBA player “short.”
I am also concerned with how our perception of psychopathy changes when we see it in the community. When we are in the community a person who has “a little” psychopathy stands out as a 6’2″ person would in a crowd. Many pose the question, “Is my _______ a jerk or a psychopath?” When we understand psychopathy as a spectrum we see that such distinctions are not very useful. It is more useful to ask “How much psychopathic disturbance does my ________ have?”
I have looked extensively in the scientific literature for the exact Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R) scores that might indicate mild, moderate and severe psychopathic disturbance. If you are following what I am saying you will immediately realize that these definitions are important in determining just how many “psychopaths” there are. When I searched the literature several years ago, I reported on this blog that about 10% of the population has significant psychopathy. That 10% figure corresponds to a cut-off score of about 12 on the PCL-R.
In The Psychopathic Mind, p. 318 Dr. Meloy says the following:
Mild psychopathic disturbance 10-19
Moderate psychopathic disturbance 20-29
Severe psychopathic disturbance 30-40
This is more or less what I also determined given my clinical experience and reading of the literature. You might ask why I harp on this so much and why am I harping on it again? The reason I bring this all up is to help those of you who are stuck in a relationship with someone who has “mild psychopathic disturbance.” Steve Becker also talked about the problem of “mild psychopathy” this week When he’s just a bad dude, though he did not call it that.
In what I am about to say I depart from Meloy and give you my own opinion.
The nature of “Mild Psychopathy”
Psychopathic disturbance as Meloy also describes it is a disorder of motives. Since we all have these motives psychopathy is a spectrum. Psychopathy is an imbalance between love and power motives along with degrees of poor impulse control.
A person who is severely affected with psychopathy has no love motives at all. If we could perfectly measure the love motive, we could indeed form a category of those who have NO capacity for love. That category probably also includes some individuals with “moderate disturbance” and all with “severe disturbance.”
Individuals with mild psychopathy have some ability to love. Because they can love a little, what they do is particularly harmful to “loved ones.” They switch back and forth, in and out of “loving” states. When they are in a loving state, they truly have no emotional or other memory of their experiences outside of that state. Similarly when they are in the “power mode” they have no access to the memories of the love mode. It’s as if they have a split personality. Their poor partner is left asking, “Will the real ________ please stand up?”
The dilemma for partners and family members, is that both states are real. Those involved with the “mildly psychopathic” have to make a tough decision. They have to decide whether or not to let go of a person who they have shared real intimacy with. That is much harder than letting go of someone with severe psychopathic disturbance where the entire relationship was a sham.
Justdreamin:
Out of everything you’ve written….this sums it all up.
“I wish someone would just step in and do this for me. Anyone want to live my life for a while, I’ll go to the beach and come back when it’s all straightened out. Why does it have to be up to ME? It’s like the poor guy who was caught alone in a rock slide and had to saw off his own arm with a pocketknife to get free. ”
Let me tell you what the above screams to me….
Help me, help me…..I don’t want to do it myself. None of this is my fault.
Well…….
Here’s my take.
STOP BEING A VICTIM…..it’s not the right color for you!
Your situation and the guy who HAD to cut his own hand off to save his own life is NOTHING similar!
You have a choice…..he didn’t.
YOU have participated, you are not a victim.
You have choices….but your silencing yourself.
Your voice will only be heard when you put on your ‘big girl pants’ and have a say in your own life. And as Rosa says….be prepared to break a nail.
You seem to be a people pleaser…..ask yourself what it is inside yourself your running from.
I assure you, when you put as much energy into yourself, as you do in fixing others problems and making others comfortable…..you’ll be surprised at how people respond to you.
We teach others how to treat us.
Unearth ‘who’ you are and the answers are there.
You can do this…..but you gotta be willing to be honest with yourself first.
XXOO
EB
Aeylah:
You started the grieving process the first time around…..
You know the truth, your just ‘hoping’ to be wrong.
Listen to your GUT!
It will not misguide you.
Your already well into the journey, your just revisiting some of it……this is why it’s not as painful….it’s confirming.
Just don’t go back for more confirmation huh?!?!
I did the same thing…..for years…..would talk myself into it’s bad….get out…..then lovebomb, fantasytalk….get sucked back in…..yada, yada rollercoaster ride…..
I even talked myself into accepting him as he was…..did that until I couldn’t any more….then next cycle of confusion……
It’s CRAZY MAKING.
It will continue UNTIL we make the choice to put a stop to it!
Dear Justdreamin,
Well, you’ve played the victim, and the rescuer, you tried to rescue this “boy” and be a “mom” to him, and YOU ALLOWED him to take it to another level. He didn’t RAPE you. So you have played all the 3 positions, and unfortunately, you have persecuted yourself more than anyone else.
It WOULD BE NICE if someone could come in and make this all “gone and nice” for you, but just like I used to tell my kids, “You made the mess, now YOU get to clean it up.”
So you participated in this mess, not alone, but you participated in it. Doesn’t matter though, you share RESPONSIBILITY for letting it get to where it is now. OK so he is “black mailing” you now, trying to suck you in for another rousing game of “Musical dysfunction chairs” OPT OUT.
TELL him to go away and never contact you again. STICK WITH IT. Then hike YOURSELF to a counselor and find out WHY you allowed yourself to get into this kind of mess. YOU need some counseling to help you heal from this mess, but ONLY YOU can heal it, no one else can rescue you.
That’s the thing we have to do for ourselves.
Imagine yourself lying on the table in early labor and WISHING someone else could do it for us. Sure, it took 2 to get us preg. but the thing is it is ONLY US that can push through the pain, that can have the baby, no one else can do it for us. Same with healing of this kind of dysfunction, YOU have got to push through the and if you don’t want to give birth to another of “Rosemary’s babies” then you have to figure out how to stay away from Satan!
Yea, I know you probably do feel like you’ve been whapped with the cyber cast iron skillet! But I am telling you these truths because I suspect and Know that YOU are a SMART LADY and you can handle the truth. And all the “there there., poor baby’s” in the world are not going to make you feel any better. Sometimes it is better to lance the boil and get the pus out, and start to heal rather than put a smiley faced band aid on a boil! I really do care about you and I know you can do it!@....... I know you CAN take care of yourself, I know you CAN FIX IT!!!! Be strong! (((Hugs)))) and God bless.
A continuum could mean one of two things:
(1) They can have some capacity for love along a scale;
or
(2) They can have absolutely no capacity for love in some areas, and be fine in others.
In my experience, I’ve seen No. 2. With the proviso that, when that psychopathic area takes over, it doesn’t matter if they have a capacity for love in any other area. They can’t be in two places at once, emotionally.
This is why I can observe of my sister that she is genuine when she loves people under certain circumstances. And she is a total mercenary under others. Plenty of people have retired from the Sister scene without noticing that she’s a sociopath, because they never stumbled into that part of her that’s without a conscience. They just notice she’s ditzy.
She has also never been accused of stealing from her employer or anyone else. OK, she had a little klepto problem in our shared closet growing up, but I’m putting that in the “area” of her life called Relating To Her Sister.
I’m also wondering about an ex-boyfriend with whom I got back together with recently — and then I ran for the hills. This last time, his sexual disconnection and control issues were unmistakable. I found it hard to survive the night next to him, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. He didn’t make any overt threats, but I felt threatened. I even felt guilty about feeling that way, and he has made me out to be the guilty party on previous breakups (without luck). SPATH! Red flag! Neon sign!
Now I wonder about the “relationship” he was in for a long time.
If I can’t survive a night with this guy without feeling freaked out, what’s up with her? I wonder at the depth of denial that would allow her to stick around like that. Is it that some spaths are just so good at compartmentalizing that their non-victims never suspect a thing?
I wonder if I should go to her shop (she has one) and just “mention” that we have a “mutual friend” and the dates I was back together with him over the years. We might compare notes. Or she might not “get it.” Seriously. She might really be that clueless.
Yes, LEARNING MY VALUE TO ME. That’s right on it. People who challenge me to prove my worth aren’t worth the effort. I’m happy if they think I’m worthless; just get out of my life.
“Why you allowed yourself to get into this mess.”
I got a very powerful answer from a spiritual reader once, when I told her about my issues with Chrissy — remember, the teenager who was pulling all my strings when I tried to “help” her?
She said I was on this earth to help her. Sure. Warm fuzzy thought, that. But she also said Chrissy was sent to this earth to have precisely the issues I needed to help in her. In other words, on a deeper level, I made a deal with God to make her dysfunctionality happen! I said, OK, I’m done, I’m not going to make it happen anymore.
Chrissy still does it, like a broken record stuck on a single chord. I hear about it, see her doing it down the block. But I’m no part of it, no longer the reason for it. Must have been somebody else who ordered that particular burger-n-fries.
Anyway, these people are plenty good at playing these games with themselves. They don’t even need anyone to return the serve.
What I’m saying is, the game doesn’t depend on me. It goes on beyond my orbit. But inside my orbit, I created it, not them.
Justdreamin:
Don’t you just want to take a large object and shout “TOWANDA!!!” and demolish this whole construct around you? Aw, c’mon, it could be fun. This is a “friend,” not your sole source of economic support, right?
I’m just sayin’ . . . I’m finding enormous glee in just taking the whole thing down, being that awful person they said I’d be if I abandoned them. Yep, that’s me. Be afraid. Be very afraid! I might do something horrible and criminal . . . like walk away from their sorry ass. (I did this once to a guy at 53rd and Lex in New York. But I HAD to go the hotel with him! He’d bought me a drink! He’d paid for a cab! He’d already put it on his credit card! He’d been a nice guy! NOPE.)
Walk away from his sorry ass.
Experience making your own rules.
Be creative. You could act like you’re nuts and make him run from you. Or you could get on the next flight out to someplace nice and “forget” your cell phone charger. The bottom line is: NO GUILT. Save guilt for when you inadvertently hurt a real person. Not a monster.
Dear Sister, we all have the choice in life to “play the game” or NOT play the game….sure, the game will go on without us, if we choose to step down, because the ones who WANT TO PLAY will always find another person to fill our empty spot. They are good at sucking people into their game.
It has taken me a life time to realize I am only responsible for MY behavior and if I DO choose to play the game, I cannot pass the responsibility for me playing on to them because “they said the wanted to play, so I did.” I ALWAYS HAD A CHOICE to SAY NO!
Thanks Sister!
Erin,
Wow!!!! you’re are so right!
You expressed exactly what was going through my mind.
Thank you, thank you thank you girl!!!
Hope you’re doing well.
ps- I love Sade too!
Aeylah:
Once you got the reality in your mind…..It’s NEVER as good as the first time!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4RWd8axOO4
Good one Erin….
Now this one tell a little how I felt (a true love addict)…except I AM LETTING GO!
down to the “you llaid me down left me for the lyons”…
funny story ….I was walking my dog on a trail near my house talking on the phone with him when all of a sudden I came face to face with an adult black bear!!!!!….I stopped dead in my tracks and quietly told him…his responce was “if the bear comes after you, let the dog go so he can get him first….I BETTER LET YOU GO BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOO MUCH IN YOUR HANDS!!!!!!!!
I begged him to stay on the phone till I could move away enough from the bear to feel safe! he reluctantly agreed….I was safe and he hung up. This was one of those defining moments that I realized he could give a rats tush about me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBMOAOSahPU