By Ox Drover
Many of the people who have been victims of a sociopath have commented here at Lovefraud about how much “different” breaking up with a sociopath is than a “regular” break up, how much more painful. I’ve read comments from former victims about how intense the feelings are after being conned by a sociopath whatever the relationship has been, whether family member, spouse, lover, or child.
I have also felt these same profoundly hurtful feelings as I have worked my way along the difficult and rocky road toward healing. Even though my profession was as a registered nurse practitioner, and I’ve studied “the grief process” as outlined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, one of the people who has defined and studied “grief” for many years, knowing about something and experiencing it are two different things. However, learning about and naming some of the feelings we have as we progress through this painful period and resolve the feelings and pain of profound loss does at least let us know that what we are experiencing is expected, and though painful, is very “normal” and that it will not last forever.
What is grief?
In an article called “The agony of grief” for the magazine Utne Reader (Sept/Oct 1991), the author, Stephanie Ericsson, who had suddenly lost her beloved husband while pregnant with their first child, stated, “Grief is a tidal wave that overtakes you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped”¦.” “Grief is utter aloneness that razes the rational mind”¦.”
Just exactly what is grief, though? Most of us know that “grief” is a sadness we feel when someone we love dies, or even when we lose a beloved pet, or something in our life that we value is taken away, but grief is much more than just sadness and tears when someone we love dies. Grief is a predictable cycle of feelings we have as we resolve the loss of anything that is important to us. Grief over the loss of something or someone very important to us may actually take many months, or even years, to resolve into acceptance of that loss.
Grief that is not fully and completely resolved can last a lifetime, and cause a lifetime of continual pain. Resolving and processing the cycle of emotions caused by the loss of an important part of our lives, is a valuable addition to the healing we need to experience after the sociopath is gone.
Wikipedia defines grief as a “multi-faceted response to loss, particularly the loss of someone or something to which we have formed a bond of attachment.” The few words to describe something so profoundly emotional and deeply painful still doesn’t scratch the surface of such an important concept.
In some way, a relationship with a psychopath has hooked us so deeply, that when that relationship turns from “wonderful” into deep emotional and/or physical abuse, we are devastated, I think, more than with the loss by death of a loved one (with the exception of a suicide possibly), because we know that the loved one didn’t die to hurt us, to leave us, but left us unwillingly. Realizing that a psychopath seems to enjoy hurting us or is totally uncaring about our pain caused by their abuse is some how a deeper, more significant loss than an “ordinary” loss of something important.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, described grief as a “five step process.” Her focus was on people who knew they were terminally ill, however, later she expanded this to include the feelings of anyone experiencing a profound and deep loss.
The stages of grief
According to Kubler-Ross’s model, the five stages of grief are:
- Denial: The grieving person will use the temporary defense mechanism to diminish the huge loss that is being suffered. “I feel fine,” or “This isn’t really happening to me,” are some of the responses a person in this stage would feel.
- Anger: “Why me?” “Who do I blame?” are some of the questions the person in the second stage would ask themselves as they recognize that denial is futile and replace the denial with anger and a hyper-awareness. This stage of anger may be demonstrated by bouts of rage and anger at anyone or anything that can be “blamed” as having caused the loss that led to the grief. This is why many people become angry at the physician over the loss of their loved one, or the hospital, nursing home, etc.
- Bargaining: “Ill do anything ”¦ to reverse or postpone the loss.” The person grieving may at this time frantically search for some way to alleviate their suffering by regaining what was lost. Anxiety will be high.
- Depression and sadness: “Why bother? There’s nothing left to live for. I can’t go on.” Crying and depressed moods are the hallmark of this stage and are an important part of the process. Many people who care and attempt to be supportive of the grieving party may try to “cheer them up” in some way. Feeling, processing and experiencing the sadness is an integral part of the process though for the grieving individual.
- Acceptance: The grieving party comes at last to peace, acceptance and understanding of the importance of the loss.
While there is some debate about the “five stages of grief” as described by Kubler-Ross, and though each person experiences grief in a unique and individual manner, there is much commonality in our experiences. The one thing that is almost universal, however, is that the stages are not in order, but a cycle of “roller coaster” rides that repeat the up and down, and changes from one stage to another and back again.
What is the best way to support a grieving person?
Being able to verbalize our feelings and having those feelings validated by others is one of the most healing salves that can be applied to grief. Each of us must do our own grieving, but having someone to whom we can verbalize our feelings, and feel in turn that they validate our feelings as legitimate and real, is the best medicine for grief.
The person listening doesn’t have to do anything, but rather be an active listener. To be present for us. Just their presence says to the grieving, “I hear your pain, and I am sorry you are hurting.”
Not setting time limits is essential in the grief process, either for ourselves if we are grieving, or for others. Unfortunately, “bereavement leave” for most jobs is three days paid leave for the death of a spouse, child or parent.
Disenfranchised grief
“Disenfranchised grief” is the term denoting grief that is not acknowledged by society. For example, when one has had an affair, and it is discovered and broken off suddenly and the secret is kept as quiet as possible, open grieving for the loss is not acceptable. Shame and guilt contribute to the disenfranchised guilt as well and make it difficult to process.
Grief for unmarried partners in the event of the death of one of them is many times disenfranchised since the union was not a “legal” one, whether the partners were heterosexual or not.
Setting “artificial time limits” on grieving will also cause it to become disenfranchised grief, as the normal societal support network will withdraw support for the grieving individual by saying “It’s time you get on with your life and get over this.”
Not having closure is another cause for the disenfranchisement of grief.
In Part 2, we’ll explore some of the ways we can help ourselves with our own grieving process, and to be a presence for others in their grieving.
No this didn’t happen out of nowhere. He has had a friend over all day today. Any time he spoke with me he was disrespectful. In front of his friend. He was trying to bait me and I kept busy because I was working and pretty much ignored most of it…..
UNTIL he wanted money to go to Mc Donalds and then he wanted the bank card that is in my name, but to his account. I don’t give him the card because he is not responsible with it and he WOULDN’T even have one (bank does not issue these to 16 year olds) UNLESS I said it could be issued in my name
And I said he could just eat at home because I was busy and didn’t have time to run to the bank. Especially since he has been so disrespectful to me all day.
He started giving ME all these ultimatums. He said if I didn’t give him the card he was leaving for good. He started with his story of how I don’t provide for him anyways blah, blah. And how he was going to withdraw all of his money. The BANK will NOT even let him withdraw money w/o me being there. He can only deposit.
Here is runaway laws in my state:
Can a 16 year old leave home without permission? No. If the individual is under age 18, they are a “minor”. MCL 722.1. The age of majority in Michigan is 18. MCL 722.52. A child can leave home with permission, however, it is still the parents obligation to support their minor children unless the court modifies or terminates the obligation via a petition for emancipation, or the minor is emancipated by operation of law. MCL 722.3.
If a child leaves home without permission, the child should be reported missing and the Department of Human Services should be contacted as Department agents can requisition the child back into the jurisdiction and help set in motion charges against anyone who aids the child knowing they are a runaway. It is against the law for any person to knowingly and wilfully aid or abet a child under the age of 17 years to violate an order of a juvenile court or knowingly and wilfully conceal or harbor juvenile runaways who have taken flight from the custody of the court, their parents or legal guardian. Violation is a misdemeanor with fine of not more than $500.00 or imprisoned not more than 1 year, or both. MCL 722.151 and MCL 722.152.
A parent can give permission to a 16-year-old child to leave home and live somewhere else, however, they are still obligated to support the child.
An ancillary bit of information is that the parent has the right to contact the child’s employer and direct the employer to pay the parent directly. This is because until the child is age 18, the parents of an unemancipated minor are entitled to the custody, control, services and earnings of the minor. This could be used to coerce the child back home, but it may also just coerce the child to quit the job and find another.
I also found another site that talked of the ages between 17-18.
Because the under state law parent is LEFGALLY responsible but there are no laws to enforce prevention of the 17 year old leaving home.
Great, so if he is emancipated now, you won’t have to support him.
First, Go get your inner-P.
Now, change the subject, just like a P would do. Do not engage the mcdonalds issue. Start talking about getting him emancipated. Get him to start planning WITH you for this. Tell him, you don’t want to talk about this specific issue today, tell him that you have been noticing his increasing unhappiness. Don’t refer to it as his “willfullness” or his “disobedience” or anything other than terms that seem empathetic to his feelings: misery, unhappiness etc…
Tell him you will help him do whatever it takes towards getting him on the road to freedom if he thinks that will make him happy. Make sure you play the role believably, in other words, you have to believe your words first. P’s like to plot to decieve others, so add in some of that.
Tell him it’s a bummer that his grades and school problems will cause a crimp in his emancipation. Suggest that he do an about face immediately at school. If he can convince all his teachers that he is now going to be responsible and do his work in class, then his emancipation can’t be derailed. Offer to do whatever it takes to help him in that. This will be tough because he will think you are trying to manipulate him into doing school work.
If you can get him emancipated now, he will have to face reality and you will at least get a break.
Skylar,
He won’t get emancipation. BECAUSE of the law the way it reads in Michigan.
If I give my permission to the judge to emancipate I am legally responsible for him as far as support until age of 18.
If he was in a situation where he was doing well in school, and able to support himself on his own, and managing all of his own affairs, and living in a VERY bad hiome enviorment with ADULT witness to testify this….Then he might be considered for emancipation. But the law still states that I would have to support him.
The judge can’t change the law he can just consider the kids request. And I understand very few kids actually get emancipated in my state because the laws actually do read as such.
WHY would most parents give permission for emancipation only to still have to support a kid in an apartment? I couldn’t afford to do that even if I wanted to.
I do need a plan though….Because he left but wasn’t able to take all of the stuff he packed, because he needs a ride. I do believe he took something in a back pack that maybe he wants to try and sell? Maybe video games? Not sure of what was in there other than it wasn’t soft goods (clothing)
He said he will be back for his stuff and his money.
I don’t believe I should hand him over all his money at one time? He has about 2 grand. Alot of money. More than I have in the bank.
witsend,
re-read your post:
A child can leave home with permission, however, it is still the parents obligation to support their minor children unless the court modifies or terminates the obligation via a petition for emancipation, or the minor is emancipated by operation of law. MCL 722.3.
that means that if the court emancipates him you DON’T have to support him.
If you can convince him that you will help him get emancipated, then maybe he will do whatever it takes.
Maybe offer it to him as a challenge. Tell him that he will never be able to get emancipated because of his poor grades and that he isn’t capable of fooling his teachers with an attitude adjustment even for long enough to get the judge to emancipate him. Challenge him by saying, if he can get all his ducks in a row to accomplish this, you would do your part to go before the judge and convince him. Perhaps the judge will even play along, if you suggest to the judge that your son only does well in school when given the goal of emancipation. The judge can always revoke the emancipation if the kid backslides.
Wow, Witsend, this is a tough one. Do you think if you wait out the week-end he will come home? I would normally advise calling the police but under these circumstances, I’m not sure. Maybe if you did, though it would open a dialogue and the “system” would begin to see what you are up against. I think Oxy kind of advised against this, though, didn’t she?
I like Skylar’s plan for getting him emancipated, but the more pressing issue is what to do NOW, while he’s gone. I wasnt to tell you not to worry, he’s just testing his wings, but…………….
I don’t know. Oxy, where are you?
Cherre, I’m not sure anyone directly addressed what you said about your reason for coming here to talk. You are welcome to talk here. You picked the right place.
However, what you said about the fact that you are keeping all this to yourself, and have no one to talk with is troubling. You need to find more direct resource than us. Yes, he is doing something to you, whether you call it mind control or gaslighting or anything else. But the important thing is not what he’s doing. It’s what you’re doing. You’re not behaving in your own best interest, and it indicates that you’re in serious trouble right now. With yourself.
With all respect, I urge you to find a therapist. Someone, preferably, who has some background in dealing with victims of narcissists or sociopaths. If that is out of the question, find someone who works with codependents. It’s not exactly the same thing, but whether or not you were codependent before, you are now enabling his behavior, which is destructive for you.
And though I’m not a full-blown techy, it sounds to me as though he may have a key-logger on your computer. That would enable him to track whatever you do. If you don’t have a top-notch security system on your computer with firewall (I use AVG, and I recommend it), you should install that. Get a copy of SpyBot and Adaware and run them to see if they can identify any malware. I’d suggest that you order the software by phone, and even visit these sites and get the contact information from someone else’s computer.
If this doesn’t solve the problem, you’re going to have to spend some money (unless you’ve got a friend with enough technical knowledge to clean up and secure your computer). Find a computer software specialist in the yellow pages or at a local computer repair store. Tell them that you believe there is malware on your computer and someone is watching your activities, and you want it removed and the computer made secure. There is a lot of work involved and it will probably cost you about $300, but it will protect your privacy unless someone puts a physical tap on your line. And you can get the phone company to check that. If you doubt the phone company’s results, you can set up a trap (create an other e-mail account for that purpose). If you find he’s still trailing you, you may need to bring a security expert into the house to check the computer and the area around it for hardware devices.
What is happening to you is stalking. The fact that he is in law enforcement complicates your situation, and also potentially gives him more resources to stalk you through your computer. Everyone here is telling you to get him out of your life, go no-contact. This is good advice, but may not be enough if he gets his jollies out of controlling you.
The one other piece of advice I’d give you is get a lawyer, and don’t let your embarrassment stand in your way. Do it soon. I’d start with calling someone who is a defense attorney (who is used to being on the other side of the courtroom from the police) and asking them for a referral to someone who can help you protect yourself from being stalked by a law enforcement officer.
You have a right to your privacy. That means, if you want to shut this guy out, and he refuses to be shut out, he is over the line legally. If he is eavesdropping on your computer or phone, he is over the line legally. If he attempts to invade your life in any way, after you stop communicating with him or tell him to stop communicating with you, you’re probably going to need a lawyer to, at minimum, let him know you’re serious. And if necessary, to deal with the local state attorney or internal affairs in his agency.
I can hear in your letter how deeply embarrassed you are by your inability to control this thing by yourself. I sympathize with you, but suggest that you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Stop beating yourself up and recognize that you’re in over your head. Get help. Really. Stop acting like it’s in your control to fix this. If it were, you wouldn’t be writing us and saying that you’re unable to break it off.
Get yourself into therapy. Get your computer looked at. And get a lawyer. You don’t need us to tell us how serious this situation is. You already know. Start taking care of yourself, as though you were sick or in danger. This is your life; you need to take it back.
You can do this. And you’ll be glad you did. You’re still the same independent woman you were before. You just have a nasty bug poisoning your system and your life. And you need to find some pest control.
Kathy
Well the story continues….He had said he would be back for his bags that he packed and his money. He wasn’t leaving the house for GOOD today, (bank is closed) he was leaving “for good” on Monday. He arranged for a place to stay when he leaves on Monday.
This is where the story continues…..
When he returned with his friend he just expected that his friend could spend the night as planned. I asked him to come down from his room and said his friend needed to call his mother as we needed to discuss, his “runnung away” on Monday.
My objective was to explain to him that running away at 16 was going to involve the police, and that isn’t something that would be in his best interest. As a parent I couldn’t just let him walk out the door at his age without reporting him as a runaway. If he was willing to share with me where he was going to stay, I would have considered talking to this person to see if it might be a better alternative than reporting him as a runaway.
I told his friend to call his mother. My son told him NOT to call his mother. My son started getting out of control and yelling and screaming so I took the phone to call the kids mother and my son grabbed the phone from me. And pushed me. I then got my cell phone and told him I was calling the police. (he was pretty out of control by then) He then grabbed my cell phone and I tried to get my cell phone out of his hand and he CALLED the police and reported me for CHILD ABUSE to the 911 operator. And said he needed the cops to come.
At this point my cell is on the floor and so I dialed 911 and said I was the mother of the kid who just called and informed them that I was trying to call them when he took BOTH phones and wouldn’t let me call.
They came…..And they were here for over an hour. I am very lucky that the cop that came was the same one who brought him home once over the summer and realized he had a “cocky attitude” to begin with or I might have been arrested, even though I didn’t do anything. This cop didn’t buy into his bullshit. My son cooked his own goose. He was telling the cop how he didn’t get anything (including food) at home and his life was so awful. ALL this crap and of course as he is saying this to them there is barbecued pork chops cooking in the oven that the cops can smell. ect.
He just kept getting caught up in his own bullshit. HOWEVER he is very angry right now because his little plan didn’t work.
He told the cop that he is getting kicked out of school if he dioesn’t comply with the school as they are giving him a 12 week plan at school either step up to the plate and perform in school or they will refer him to Alternative Ed. HIS choice. but he sees it as they are kicking him out.
The cop tried to be really straight wioth him and said if he filled out a report on him he would be considered incorrigible by the courts and a probation officer would MANDATE that he goes to school. (this is what I tried filing for on my own in the summer and never got in front of a judge)
But like Oxy has always told me…..He is just more angry than ever and of course it is all my fault.
Calling the cops was NOT something I wanted to do. I wanted to wait and see what happened when he turned 17. But things escalated rather quickly and I didn’t feel I had a choice.
witsend, is sounds like you had no choice but to call the police, thank God the cop that came out was the same one who brought him home once… so the cop did not fill out a report on him?