By Ox Drover
In Part I we looked at what grief is and what “stages” we may pass through when we lose something or someone of great importance to us. We saw that grief can be “legitimate,” in which others “support us” by validating that we have a reason to be sad over the loss. Yet, there can be “disenfranchised” grief, grief that others do not view as “legitimate” reasons for grief, or shameful private grief that we cannot share.
In their attempts to “help” us, many people make fumbling attempts to “cheer us up” or to trivialize our pain, or attach “reasonable” time limits to how long we are able to grieve, which disenfranchises our pain.
Since most people view “grief” as equal to “Sadness,” the other stages of grief, which include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance, are not necessarily seen as parts of “grief processing.” Especially the stages of anger and bargaining may make the grieving person appear to be “crazy” to observers.
The sudden and irrational angry outbursts that we experience are just as much a part of our processing our grief as a crying bout is. Yet, this scares away and shoves away friends and would-be support, because they don’t understand the grieving process or why we would be so angry.
The bargaining stage, in which we may try to stop the pain by making deals with either God or the devil himself, is also another stage not understood by many of our family and friends, or the public in general. I think this is the stage that many victims of psychopaths are in when they go back again to an abusive relationship. “The devil you know is less scary than the devil you don’t know.”
Processing the roller coaster of feelings
Our grief over the losses of our deeply felt relationships with the psychopaths in our lives is just as valid and just as real as any other grief over any other important loss. Accepting that our grief is real to us, and that is all that matters, is our first task. Our pain is real; our pain is valid. We have a right to feel our pain. To experience the grief is our right! To express that pain without being devalued or disenfranchised is also our right.
Sometimes there is no one else who can or will validate that our pain is genuine, real and our right. In fact, many times others in our lives trivialize our pain, or emotions, or try to make us appear “crazy” for feeling as we do, for hurting, or even deny that any loss occurred. We must validate our own loss, our own pain, sometimes without the outside support, without the supportive presence of empathetic others. In a state of acute grief and pain, this is a difficult thing for us to accomplish.
Understanding the “roller coaster” nature of grief, the rapid cycling of one “stage” to another and back again, sometimes in a matter of minutes or hours, can keep us confused, and those in our environment confused, about whether we are “sane” or not! This rapid cycling of emotions, “okay” one moment, wildly crying the next, or angry and striking out, or trying to find some way to stop the pain by healing the relationship we lost, literally making a bargain with the “devil” psychopath, is the “normal” course of processing our grief and pain.
How long will this go on?
Until it is over.
Though there are trends in grief processing, each of us is an individual who will process through the grief at our own rate, in our own time and our own way. There are several things that will affect the “time line” in grief processing. The first thing, of course, is the depth of the loss. How much did this loss mean to you? How big was the loss?
Another thing that will impact the amount of time needed to process grief is having had prior experiences with grief that were positively resolved into acceptance. We learn how to process grief just like we learn to walk, a little bit at a time, and by practice. A child may learn to grieve over a loss of a beloved pet, yet some parents deprive this child of this learning exercise in the mistaken belief that they are “cheering up” the child when the day after the beloved puppy dies, the parents run out and buy Junior another puppy. Depriving a child of valid grief, the valuable learning experience of grieving, is not arming that child for later life which will be filled with losses in one form or another. So, the effects, either positive or negative, you have had with experiencing grief will effect how you process grief in the future.
Knowing what to expect in the grief process, and being able to name it, will affect the length of grieving. Though I professionally “knew” about grief and the processes we go through in resolving this emotional roller coaster, I was not “immune” to the feelings by my knowing. We cannot intellectually go around our pain, under it, or over it, we must go through the pain of the grief. There are no “short cuts.”
Multiple losses
The number of other losses that happen at the same time will affect how long the processing of grief lasts. Sometimes there are so many losses in a relationship with a psychopath that grieving for all of the losses at the same time is impossible. Because of the magnitude of grieving for all the losses at once, sometimes we are forced to put some losses on the back burner, so to speak, to deal with later. In my own experience, I found dealing with them individually for the most part was easier for me to handle than to try to lump them all together into one huge mass of loss which seemed too big and daunting to even tackle.
Because I dealt with them one at a time, it seemed to me the grieving over one thing or another went on for “decades.” As soon as I got one thing resolved, I had to tackle another one. This was very tiring and discouraging for me at times, but the burdens slowly lifted, and it seemed to me that the grief over each succeeding loss was less painful than the previous ones, that my experiences had made it easier for me to process, and quicker.
Validation
How much support we getand how we are validated affects the time needed to process the grief of our losses. When we are disenfranchised, or our grief is devalued or trivialized, we spend our time trying to validate the grief rather than resolving it. We try to “prove” to others that our grief is real.
Sometimes even well intentioned people who are trying to support and comfort us say the absolutely wrong thing, such as, “I know how you feel,” or, “It was meant to be,” or, “You will be okay,” at a time when we know they do not know how we feel, and that we feel we will never be okay again, and how could it be “meant” for us to hurt like this!?! We may fly into an emotional rage of pain and anguish.
How long? As long as it takes, without artificial limits from others like, “You should be over this now and move on with your life.” Also without artificial limits and time lines imposed by ourselves. “It’s been over a year now, I should be dating already.” Distracting yourself from the grief of one loss with another “new puppy” is not going to allow complete resolution of the first loss. Reaching the “acceptance” stage at one point, may not be staying there—remember the “roller coaster.” Giving yourself time to reach and remain in the acceptance stage for a time of peace, calm and quiet, is important. Don’t try to rush things!
10 Tips to support yourself in grieving:
- Listen—listen to your own pain, thoughts and feelings.
- Validate those feelings—yes they are real and I have a right to feel that way.
- Be kind to yourself—take time for yourself without guilt, you deserve it.
- Don’t put artificial time limits on your grief—it lasts as long as it does.
- Do know that though you don’t feel like it this minute—you will be okay.
- Reach out for support from others—talk about your pain to others who will listen.
- Come to Lovefraud and read and learn and receive support and validation.
- Distance yourself from stressful situations (and people) as much as possible.
- Decrease and delay voluntary and unnecessary changes in your life, if possible.
- Forgive yourself—you deserve it!
Thankyou Donna for yet another fantastic post. I have been in court all week dealing with my ex p husband and my p daughter. The grief I am going through is being helped by a very dear friend who supports me “no matter what”. Without her I would be back in the nut house for sure! She does everything you listed and it WORKS!! It quickens the grieving immeasurably because that person VALIDATES me. She believes in me and witnesses what I go through and she has integrity so I can trust her.
This case has been a thorn in my side all of my life. And I can’t believe how I have stayed alive and got through it WITHOUT such a friend in the past. I have only ever had my young son to support me which, in retrospect, was unfair on him.
I know there is a lot more to endure in this case before it is resolved. And if we don’t win ultimately I will have to go into the witness protection scheme and I can’t get my head around that.
But with the mutual help from some of my LF friends here I know I can survive anything. And I know that this wave that is crashing down on me now will recede and take my troubles with them. Thankyou for this insightful post!
Oxy, you’ve given me a lot to think about in your two posts on grieving. Grieving is something that I’m uncomfortable with. I now realize that I’ve always avoided discussion of death and grieving. It wasn’t a conscious decision but a visceral one. I would find a way to avoid any thought of it because of the discomfort that comes with it. No wonder I was unprepared and unwilling to face that I had to leave the P.
Since coming to LF I’ve matured about 10 years in just 4 months. thanks everyone.
Sylar, the death of a relationship is just as devastating as the physical death of a loved one. Our lives are never the same. That’s why it’s important to love everyone when you can … because you never know when it will end. At least we have the capacity to love. “They” lost this ability because they are blinded by GREED, ENVY, JEALOUSY and any of the other vices that prevents them from His loving virtues.
Peace.
Dear Sky,
You are not alone in being uncomfortable with grief, grieving, and facing loss.
When I was a kid, birth, loss, death were all part of the family, and took place in the home. Children were taken to funerals, to wakes, to body washings (where the dead were prepared for burial, or later, for the undertaker to pick up for embalming.
Grief was openly displayed, community comfort was given and support and validation for grief was there. (at least in the deaths of loved ones and family)
Yet, it was very specific about what was “Okay grief” and what was disenfranchised grief. What was validated and what wasn’t.
The overwhelming grief I felt when my P-son killed that young woman was UN-validated grief, “shameful” grief, and totally private, unsupported grief. Even my loving husband, in his own grief was unable to support my grieving.
Sometimes when a couple are grieving for the loss of a child, because they are in “different stages” of the roller coaster ride, say he in anger, she in sadness, then she in anger and he in bargaining, they are unable to be validating and supporting of each other and THEIR own relationship will break down so each then has a NEW grief to process. Thank goodness we didn’t break down and ruin our relationship with the griefs we suffered from our losses—one son of mine (the P) and one son of his (brain injury, later death).
The “death/loss” of ANYTHING prescious—a person, your position, your health, financial station, a relationship—etc. ANY thing, can be a reason for overwhelming grief. The more important something is, the greater the grief.
Sometimes the anxiety, anticipation and fear of the loss (grief in advance) can be as bad or worse than the actual loss, or in some cases, like with my step-father’s illness and death from cancer, we did our grieving for his death WITH HIM before he actually died. So that when his actual death came, he was “ready to go’ and we were “ready for him to go.”
Processing all the losses, and many times with the psychopaths they cause multiple IMPORTANT losses—Lily’s situation is an example: She lost her “marriage” her children, her sisters, he home, her financial status, her communnity (she had to move away) She lost her feelings of safety, she lost her friends, her place in the community (not the same as the community itself), and so on, her losses were huge in number, and huge in magnitude as well.
Holding on to the “hope” that at some point she would be reunited emotionally with her children was the “straw” that she clung to to keep from “emotionally drowning” from the magnitude of her losses. I think many of us can relate to that “holding on to the straw” as we are swept away in the river of despair–sometimes we reach out to grab at what appears to be a log floating by, but it turns out to be another alligator and we are in worse shape than before. sometimes we hold on to the “dead body’ of “hope” that we can’t bring outselves to let go of even though we know it is “dead.”
I did that, Lily admits to doing that too. Sometimes on the roller coaster of grief, we let go of the “dead body” of hope we cling to, but then swim maddly after it again (going back to the abuser etc.) as our anxiety about letting it go spikes upward.
That roller coaster ride eats up our energy, our life it seems. Yet, it is so important that we face the grief head on, meet the pain and overcome it by feeling it. I have been working on my grief (s) one at a time mostly, and still even roller coaster once in a while, but over all I am getting to acceptance (most of the time) where there is peace. But I definitely know it takes work and time, so don’t try to rush yourself. It takes as long as it takes. Be good to yourself!!! (((Hugs))))
Oxy, my discomfort might be because I have so much buried grief from my childhood from being devalued and abused. It was buried and I didn’t want to take that chance that it would get out.
I didn’t even realize it until I saw the P for what he was. Then I realized that my ENTIRE life, not just the time with the P, had been a living nightmare. There were so many similarities, I had just been refusing to acknowledge it. My facade had been to seem cool, smart and tough-unflappable. Well, now I’m flapping. Actually, I’m all flapped out. but at least I’m forced to start grieving and get it over with.
Wini,
here’s an interesting story comparing death to the loss of a relationshit.
I was shooting a wedding video and met up with the parents of some old school friends from 30 years ago. One of their kids, T, was recently divorced. I told them that I, also, had just split with my ex. I gave no more information than that. I never said the word P. The woman said to me, “Oh isn’t it awful? It would easier if they had DIED!” I was shocked, but i said, “how did you know?”
Then I told her a small bit about how my P was a con artist. She told me that T’s Ex, had demanded $1600 for a cell phone bill and had been keeping their heirloom family bible for ransom. T caved and gave him the money, but he kept the bible. That’s all I know, but I’m sure he was a P or else T’s mom would not have had such a reaction. Next day, T walked up to me and gave me a hug. Didn’t say much, and walked away. I virtually didn’t even know her in grade school since she was about 5 years younger than I am.
I guess my point is that, death is easier than living with a P. That’s why so many of us get to the point of wanting to die and some commit suicide. And the P’s know this, that is their goal in life, murder by suicide. The grief of having loved a P is a very different, almost unresolvable type of grief. So many try to get closure so that they can get to the acceptance stage. But the P’s don’t allow closure. Lies don’t allow closure.
Only LF allows closure.
Skylar, I believe that the only time situations in life are suppose to be difficult is when natural disasters or other types of disasters that are out of human control come into our space. When anti-socials purposely add to human destruction to do their damage to others is the reason it is beyond surreal and painful at the same time. People naturally, do not expect one of our own harming us.
Period.
My firm belief is that they are the ones that loose. We can love. They do not, therefore, they end up not knowing the miracle and depth of love.
A world devoid of emotions is beyond our imagination … per quote from Alexander Lowen, MD … proclaimed narcissist.
Dear Skylar,
It isn’t unusual for a sudden grief/loss to bring back memories (supressed) or emotions (suppressed) from earlier in our lives that we “buried.”
Looking back, I started to see that my egg donor had devalued me most if not all of my life—-that I had spent so much of my time and effort to “please” her, that she had convinced me she loved me, when what she wanted was “control.” so the early loss was “heaped up” on top of the immediate losses, and that can be a CLEANSING thing, but it is PAINFUL TO GO THROUGH as well.
When we start to heal from one grief, it cleans off our “rosy colored glasses” about a lot of things….but ultimately “the truth will set you free, but first it will pith you off!” (((hugs))))
Oxy,
thanks for the ((((hugs)))),
I know that truth and knowledge is power that’s why I chose the name Skylar, it means (scholar) protection through knowledge. But it would not be as powerful without the support of the empathic and supportive people on LF.
As shocked as I was to find out that such horrible evil existed in my ExP and my family, I was almost as equally shocked that so much good could exist in one place: LF
I guess that’s how things eventually balance out – that’s a law of nature, right?
Dear Skylar,
I’m not sure if there is a 50-50 “balance” in the world, sometimes it seems like a 1-99 “imbalance” but I do notice that we have to focus on the parts that are good.
I watched 20/20 last night, and it was about albinos around the world and how they suffer because of their “strange” appearance, especially people who are “supposed to” be black. In one country in Africa they are being specifically attacked because some witch doctor started promoting their body parts as “good ju-ju” so babies are stolen, others have their arms and legs cut off, or their dead bodies dug up.
When I went to highschool, we had one young man who was an albino, but because we had a small school, and a small community, as far as I know he was not persecuted, in fact he was quite popular with his classmates (he was a year ahead of me) but apparently that is not the case now with children who ‘look different”
Why am I telling about this on LF? Well, there are traumas of all kinds in this world, and part of the traumas we are exposed to are nothing we can do anything about, and some of the traumas are pretty HORRIBLE….our traumas are ALSO HORRIBLE (not minimizing ours at all) but we ARE ABLE TO RECOVER from ours, and some people have NO CHANCE to recover. So because we have a chance to recover, I think we OWE it to the universe to DO SO! To add to the balance of the GOOD and to spread that GOOD to others to the best of our abilities.
Giving back comfort, compassion and empathy on LF is just one way we can start to reach out to others in that balance. And, I do think that GIVING BACK is a sign that we are recovering.
I dont’ know if you remember but a “control freak” came here once and wanted our help in writing a letter to his ABUSIVE girl friend who dumped him, and as this went on he kept going over and over this letter and presenting himself as a VICTIM, but it eventually came out that this guy was THE ABUSER and his victim had escaped and he wanted help to get her back so he could CONTROL HER. YIKES!!!!
Anyway, I think you can look here at the people who come on LF and to some extent see genuine victims no matter how hurt they are, start to GIVE BACK TO OTHERS VERY QUICKLY, it is not “all about them” taking and demanding support like a “Hoover”—–
Donna.
‘Because I dealt with them one at a time, it seemed to me the grieving over one thing or another went on for “decades.” As soon as I got one thing resolved, I had to tackle another one.’
It feels a lot like this for me, I call it ‘peeling my onion’…as soon as I get through one layer, it opens up another… but even though it is exhausting and it sometimes feel like it will never end, I am so grateful to be able to do this.:)