By Ox Drover
In Part I we looked at what grief is and what “stages” we may pass through when we lose something or someone of great importance to us. We saw that grief can be “legitimate,” in which others “support us” by validating that we have a reason to be sad over the loss. Yet, there can be “disenfranchised” grief, grief that others do not view as “legitimate” reasons for grief, or shameful private grief that we cannot share.
In their attempts to “help” us, many people make fumbling attempts to “cheer us up” or to trivialize our pain, or attach “reasonable” time limits to how long we are able to grieve, which disenfranchises our pain.
Since most people view “grief” as equal to “Sadness,” the other stages of grief, which include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance, are not necessarily seen as parts of “grief processing.” Especially the stages of anger and bargaining may make the grieving person appear to be “crazy” to observers.
The sudden and irrational angry outbursts that we experience are just as much a part of our processing our grief as a crying bout is. Yet, this scares away and shoves away friends and would-be support, because they don’t understand the grieving process or why we would be so angry.
The bargaining stage, in which we may try to stop the pain by making deals with either God or the devil himself, is also another stage not understood by many of our family and friends, or the public in general. I think this is the stage that many victims of psychopaths are in when they go back again to an abusive relationship. “The devil you know is less scary than the devil you don’t know.”
Processing the roller coaster of feelings
Our grief over the losses of our deeply felt relationships with the psychopaths in our lives is just as valid and just as real as any other grief over any other important loss. Accepting that our grief is real to us, and that is all that matters, is our first task. Our pain is real; our pain is valid. We have a right to feel our pain. To experience the grief is our right! To express that pain without being devalued or disenfranchised is also our right.
Sometimes there is no one else who can or will validate that our pain is genuine, real and our right. In fact, many times others in our lives trivialize our pain, or emotions, or try to make us appear “crazy” for feeling as we do, for hurting, or even deny that any loss occurred. We must validate our own loss, our own pain, sometimes without the outside support, without the supportive presence of empathetic others. In a state of acute grief and pain, this is a difficult thing for us to accomplish.
Understanding the “roller coaster” nature of grief, the rapid cycling of one “stage” to another and back again, sometimes in a matter of minutes or hours, can keep us confused, and those in our environment confused, about whether we are “sane” or not! This rapid cycling of emotions, “okay” one moment, wildly crying the next, or angry and striking out, or trying to find some way to stop the pain by healing the relationship we lost, literally making a bargain with the “devil” psychopath, is the “normal” course of processing our grief and pain.
How long will this go on?
Until it is over.
Though there are trends in grief processing, each of us is an individual who will process through the grief at our own rate, in our own time and our own way. There are several things that will affect the “time line” in grief processing. The first thing, of course, is the depth of the loss. How much did this loss mean to you? How big was the loss?
Another thing that will impact the amount of time needed to process grief is having had prior experiences with grief that were positively resolved into acceptance. We learn how to process grief just like we learn to walk, a little bit at a time, and by practice. A child may learn to grieve over a loss of a beloved pet, yet some parents deprive this child of this learning exercise in the mistaken belief that they are “cheering up” the child when the day after the beloved puppy dies, the parents run out and buy Junior another puppy. Depriving a child of valid grief, the valuable learning experience of grieving, is not arming that child for later life which will be filled with losses in one form or another. So, the effects, either positive or negative, you have had with experiencing grief will effect how you process grief in the future.
Knowing what to expect in the grief process, and being able to name it, will affect the length of grieving. Though I professionally “knew” about grief and the processes we go through in resolving this emotional roller coaster, I was not “immune” to the feelings by my knowing. We cannot intellectually go around our pain, under it, or over it, we must go through the pain of the grief. There are no “short cuts.”
Multiple losses
The number of other losses that happen at the same time will affect how long the processing of grief lasts. Sometimes there are so many losses in a relationship with a psychopath that grieving for all of the losses at the same time is impossible. Because of the magnitude of grieving for all the losses at once, sometimes we are forced to put some losses on the back burner, so to speak, to deal with later. In my own experience, I found dealing with them individually for the most part was easier for me to handle than to try to lump them all together into one huge mass of loss which seemed too big and daunting to even tackle.
Because I dealt with them one at a time, it seemed to me the grieving over one thing or another went on for “decades.” As soon as I got one thing resolved, I had to tackle another one. This was very tiring and discouraging for me at times, but the burdens slowly lifted, and it seemed to me that the grief over each succeeding loss was less painful than the previous ones, that my experiences had made it easier for me to process, and quicker.
Validation
How much support we getand how we are validated affects the time needed to process the grief of our losses. When we are disenfranchised, or our grief is devalued or trivialized, we spend our time trying to validate the grief rather than resolving it. We try to “prove” to others that our grief is real.
Sometimes even well intentioned people who are trying to support and comfort us say the absolutely wrong thing, such as, “I know how you feel,” or, “It was meant to be,” or, “You will be okay,” at a time when we know they do not know how we feel, and that we feel we will never be okay again, and how could it be “meant” for us to hurt like this!?! We may fly into an emotional rage of pain and anguish.
How long? As long as it takes, without artificial limits from others like, “You should be over this now and move on with your life.” Also without artificial limits and time lines imposed by ourselves. “It’s been over a year now, I should be dating already.” Distracting yourself from the grief of one loss with another “new puppy” is not going to allow complete resolution of the first loss. Reaching the “acceptance” stage at one point, may not be staying there—remember the “roller coaster.” Giving yourself time to reach and remain in the acceptance stage for a time of peace, calm and quiet, is important. Don’t try to rush things!
10 Tips to support yourself in grieving:
- Listen—listen to your own pain, thoughts and feelings.
- Validate those feelings—yes they are real and I have a right to feel that way.
- Be kind to yourself—take time for yourself without guilt, you deserve it.
- Don’t put artificial time limits on your grief—it lasts as long as it does.
- Do know that though you don’t feel like it this minute—you will be okay.
- Reach out for support from others—talk about your pain to others who will listen.
- Come to Lovefraud and read and learn and receive support and validation.
- Distance yourself from stressful situations (and people) as much as possible.
- Decrease and delay voluntary and unnecessary changes in your life, if possible.
- Forgive yourself—you deserve it!
No valium here, no ANY releaf, they give a rats shit about ppl. I cant even pay to get sedative. They treat animals better than ppl.
Matt:
Are you reading?
What is the best way to get a DETAILED background check on someone?
I know you can do it online.
But, do you get better & more complete information if you use a private investigator??
If you have any advice on this, I am all EARS.
Rosa:
I’ve used USA Search and intellisearch. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. I find if I order a search from both of them and put the information together I can usually get a fairly decent picture of what someone has been up to. You won’t get things like SS#, etc. from them. Also, I’ve usually had to do additional searching on things like the Lexis/Nexis data base and state criminal data base to flesh out what is in the USA and intellisearch results.
Depending on the PI, you will probably get a better search result. That said, the initial search conducted by a PI is going to probably access the same public databases that USA and intellisearch use.
Hope this helps.
Dear Matt,
Great advice, and well said, as usual! We sure do, I think I speak for us all, MISS THE HECK OUT OF YOU WHEN YOU ARE GONE! (((hugs)))) Oxy
sarasims:
your post really touched me because i think i wrote the EXACT same post about a year ago! no kidding. first of all, your life is not in a shambles; with NC it is actually OUT of a shambles, and moving toward wholeness.
what you are feeling is completely normal in the healing process. yes, they lure you in and make you crazy in love, and they DO know exactly what they’re doing! for almost 8 months after starting NC, i would PRAY for him to call me, but then when he did i would hang up on him or ignore the call. i hated him every second, but still wanted him to try and reach me. i’m not sure what that’s about; perhaps we look for some validation that their feelings were — on SOME level — real. they’re not!
and yes, they will NEVER change and EVERYTHING they say is a lie. seems like you’ve really got it! don’t worry about the friends who move on — we do need to release the stories and i think many of us here have lost friends during our healing. NO one can understand this s/p/n/ stuff unless they’ve experienced it. my personal feeling is that those who run from the stories are just plain scared that there are people like this in the world. feel like they might ‘catch’ it from us!
so, you just maintain NO CONTACT … every time you think of him, FORCE yourself to think of something else. it took me a full year before i was able to stop hoping he would call, to wake up (and go to sleep) without him in my brain. it gets better. hang in there, and visit LFif you ever feel the urge to reconnect with the dick-brain, or just to get the chatter out of your head.
you’re doing GREAT! be extra good to yourself!
TOWANDA!
Matt:
How far back do they go?
Will it go back 10-20 years or more?
Rosa:
10-20 years has been my experience. It depends on how far back States have gotten with respect to getting their records on-line. Also, if there is criminal records on someone, getting the arrest records, etc costs extra. They do make fascinating reading, however. Sort of blows their half-assed stories of how they were done wrong right out of the water.
Rosa:
One problem with the searches done on-line versus using a PI is that the on-line searches aren’t going to reflect aliases, etc and arrests, judgments, etc against somebody using aliases.
But, the criminal records will show up no matter how long ago it was, right? Because a police record is forever?
Ann,
Welcome to LoveFraud. There’s lots of advice for you here. I’m going to add a few thoughts to it.
Your big question right now is why does he act that way? There are a lot of books on that topic, but my current favorite is “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. The whole book is clear, easy reading. The fourth chapter is called “The Abuser and the Abusive Relationship,” and it offers a window into the mental and emotional life of the abuser.
The answer you’re always going to find to these questions is that the abuser has emotional problems that cause him to try to force his environment to conform to his fantasies, to interpret things around him in delusional ways, and to be terrified of facing with his true motivations. In other words, he’s blindly acting out his own internal dramas. It’s your bad luck to be the person who he uses to defend himself. It has nothing to do with you. And short of slipping him knock-out drops in his coffee or beer, you don’t have any control over his behavior.
Possibly, the underlying reason for your question is that you want to understand what it has to do with you. Beyond what is in the last paragraph, there is only one major thing that is about you. That is the fact that your childhood background gave you a high tolerance for pain and abusive behavior. So your internal survival meter doesn’t go into the red zone when it should. Other people would have walked away a long time ago. But your childhood trained you to view behavior like this as something you could handle. And more than that, you actually accepted that it’s simply part of everyday life to handle it. Sort of your job.
Well, there is one more thing about you, maybe. That is, you not only accept abusive behavior, but supporting and nurturing abusive people is part of family life. If you want to have a family, this is part of the cost. And so here you are 30 years later, finally going “what is wrong with this person?” and demanding some answers.
Well congratulations for that. It’s good that you’re at the foot-stamping stage. The bad news is that the answers about him are, more or less, irrelevant. You can psychoanalyze him to the ground, but there’s always another abuser on the horizon with a slightly different way of charming his way into your life and convincing you that the abuse is okay or it’s your problem or he’s just a pitiable guy who needs you to just be a little bit nicer to him. Understanding the abuser doesn’t get you as far as understanding yourself.
If you were going to Al-anon, they would put your history up in your face and say, “What is wrong with you, Anne?” And for a person who’s been single-handedly holding a family together and trying to keep things sane for the kids and absorbing all kinds of abuse, this may seem like a very unfair thing to ask. But you know, who’s going to take care of you, if not you? Certainly not your husband.
Whether you want to think of him as a monster or just a big loser, you already know how many grown-ups are in the conversation when you two are talking. And maybe your biggest mistake was not facing that, rather than continuing to treat him like another grown-up or expecting him to act like one.
Again, given your background, it would be understandable that you don’t have a grip on the fact that the person you’re married to is supposed to be as responsible and grown-up as you are. (A lot of us have similar backgrounds.) If if you did get that, you would respond to the clear evidence that he can or won’t — it doesn’t matter which — by ending your investments in the relationship. Because you see what you’re getting back. Lies, inability to control his impulses, messes he doesn’t clean up, chronic focus on his needs, ingratitude, lack of understanding of your grown-up perspective, etc.
Which, hooray, you did when you filed for divorce. (Even though he’s still taking up a lot of real estate in your head.)
But how does 30 years of this affect you? Year after year of swallowed resentment (because you can’t resolve anything with him), endurance of physical fear and pain, emotional isolation, undependable partnership (because everything is about him), and a life where you are the mule, carrying all these years of baggage, as well as him and the kids. No wonder your body is rebelling.
As other people here have told you, this is about you. Really. Your challenge here is larger than getting rid of him. It’s learning how to rewrite the rules of your life. The subtext in everything you write is that you want your life to be different. You don’t want to be a victim.
LoveFraud is a really good support place for that journey. Everyone here is doing it. We’re learning to get out of denial about our suffering, and stop trying to fix the people who hurt us. We’re learning to place our anger correctly on the people and events that steal our happiness and our ability to create healthy lives. We’re learning how to defend ourselves. And we’re learning to think and act like people who deserve better.
From everything you’ve written, it sounds like you belong here, and you’re ready to do this. We’re going to listen, support, and love you. We don’t take the place of a a therapist, maybe some antidepressants, and maybe a 12-step program or other local support group. You can do it on your own, but it’s better to have a therapist who understand spouse abuse issues and, even better, understands being the spouse of a violent narcissist or sociopath.
In your social life, the best advice is to find one or two people you absolutely trust to listen while you talk it out. The will help you a lot, but more is not better. Recovery is a private thing, and while it’s easy to make the mistake of trying to correct all the public damage he’s been doing, your best defense is dignified silence while you take care of yourself and your kids. (And a good lawyer to make him dogmeat in the courtroom.)
The other thing, as everyone here will tell you, is no contact. You may not be able to stop caring immediately that he’s not talking to you, but you can take advantage of it. You need to detox from him, and distance and time are your friends. More than that, you want to eliminate every source of information about you that he might exploit. Be very, very explicit with your family and friends that you don’t want them giving him information about you. If they can’t agree to that, or if they fail to protect in this this way, cut them off. Period. Other people here can give you more advice for dealing with him on legal or custody matters in a no-contact way.
None of this is going to make sense in the beginning. You are dealing with so much current and historical trauma that it’s going to be hard for you to stop reacting to that noise in your head for a while. So you have to live by rules. First rule is no contact. Second rule, talk only to one or two trusted friends, your therapist, your attorney, and your confidential support group. Third rule is ask Erin Brockavitch and Matt what to do next to take care of yourself legally and financially right now.
The rest of this will play out in pretty predictable ways. You will go through some emotional changes. He will become a problem as he realizes you’re shutting him out. You’ll deal with people who don’t understand or support you. (Dignified silence is good.) It will be very crazy for a while, and then it will get less crazy as you regain some emotional equilibrium and perspective.
Again, this is all about you. It may not feel like it right now, but you’re in the middle of healing from what happened to you when you were a kid. Getting rid of your rotten husband means that you’ve finally said, “No, I do not accept this. I want a better life.” That’s the voice of the woman you were meant to be. The rest of this is learning how to be that woman in your mind and in your life.
Apologies for the long post. This is really all meant to be a welcome and encouragement, and maybe a peek at your future. It’s going to get better.
Kathy