It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Taken for a ride
Wow very profund it makes alot of sence.
gutted1
It does make sense, my ex had so many issues and i tried to support her through all of them which had an effect on me and made me feel depressed, i think that she wanted to bring me down and get me under her control more, she would always be negative about my character and say that everyone thought bad things about me etc. . . All i wanted and strived for was her happiness and i felt like i was stepping on egg shells alot of the time, she used to flip into rage really easily over the smallest thing.
Gemini_Fairy
It was like living on a constant rollercoaster. I was beautiful and sexy one minute and then when I “displeased” him he was mean and nasty towards me the next.The more tired and depressed I got the worse it got. At some point I remember I just sat there when he’d start up with me and cried about it later.
James
“For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.”
One book I read tries to explain this in a way by using that fact that some of us (partners) live in different realties. Patricia Evans writes about how some relationship that exist one partner lives in Reality 1 (Power Over) which would be the narcissistic and sociopathic personalities while the other lives in Reality 2 which is (Personal Power) i.e. mutuality co-creation. But the person sometimes who live in Reality 2 doesn’t have a good healthy dose of self-esteem which is what the S and P see in them which allow them to control and manipulate the partner who live in Reality 2. This also explain why it is so hard for them to understand each other because they don’t share the same Reality. One other different between these two Realities is that Reality 1 has build themselves from the outside in while Reality 2 has build him/her self from the inside out. After reading both of Patricia Evans book dealing with this issue did it become clear to me why I couldn’t get thru to my ex P. We both lived in different Realities and saw the world in completely different ways. Too really be happy and safe in Reality 2 that person needs must have a healthy significant amount of self-esteem. Without it they will be high self-doubter, full of guilt and shame as well as being depended on others to fulfill that which they should do for themselves. In short I believe this is why they pick them that lack self-esteem but do in fact have other qualities that they see like compassion empathy and the ability to love and share. All which is part of the Reality 2 reality i.e. mutuality co-creation.
Indigoblue
My (it) only had one 1 thing going for (it) LOOKS
Unwilling Raconteur
This was the exact dynamic in the relationship with the ex-S. I saw him misplace blame on others when he was responsible. For some deluded reason, I didn’t think that it would ever be me, because I did exactly what he wanted me to do. But he always found a way to turn problems that he had, or things that he dropped the ball on, into my fault.
Indigoblue
Double standard; (it) had no rules
Me all the RULES applied ten fold
Gemini_Fairy
It seems everyone else is to blame. He was big on blaming “The Man”. Come on! This is someone who choses to be white or black from one day to the next. I’m drinking and out sleeping around because YOU are stressing me on top of the stress I’m already under. You wait tables – how on earth are you stressed?
James
Another thing I learned just recently is the different between guilt and shame (yes of course another book I read LOL)
Guilt is what we have done like stealing something but shame is who we are. Shame is taught to us very early in life and we live with shame all our lives. Only with we understand what it is we are ashamed of then sometimes can we accept it and learn to live with it. Why is this important? Because shame can hinder our personal grow and power. Many times we will hide our shame deep inside of ourselves and try (this never works) to forget about it or deny it. When in fact we should embrace our shame and learn from it and then expel it or learn how to live with it.
James
Gemini_Fairy
Interesting that we ever we “blame” someone or something (event) else we take no responsibility of that action or event. We void ourselves from it and let others carry the load of burden i.e. accountability. Also “blame” is a type of projection insomuch that they can’t feel or carry that anxiety in themselves so that they will “blame” someone else to carry it for them. In people who suffer from a personality disorder you will always find this type of “blame game” scenario.