It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
gemini I don’t think leaving your city will erase his memory, it will follow you were ever you go. give yourself time, at least 1 year before you make a major move – Letgoletgod great post and I agree this is a great article by steve becker – it really makes sense when nothing else does…
henry – I know you can’t run from memories. Believe me. I went home to see my family for 2 1/2 months and thought about him everyday. But it’s also time and what better time than now. I’ve been here for 11 years. I am actually looking at late 09′ early 10′.
The D.C. area is soooo small. I feel like everytime I turn around I’m going to run into him. People don’t realize just how small this area is.
Hi Bird: I haven’t gotten past the point of not blaming the OW. A woman who goes with another woman’s man is telling the man it’s ok to lie and cheat. I can’t cross that line because I would never want to be that woman who is sitting home wondering where her man is. Why do women allow this to happen?
That poor little 18 year old doesn’t know much about life so maybe she can get a little sympathy. What kind of job can an 18 year old have to support a grown man? She will eventually dump him when she realizes he can’t keep up with her. He will be out on the street or find another victim.
Iwonder – My friend said something similiar. About how the 18 year old will laugh and tee hee and have fun but after awhile she’ll get tired. Or he’ll get tired. But I can’t get past the nagging that I was replaced with a child.
Hi Gemini: My ex lives in the same town and it’s much smaller than DC. I heard he is going to the grocery store everyday with the OW ..the same store where I shop. I guess he wants to rub her in my face or something. I won’t go there to give him the gratification of being the ass that he is.
I bet she pays for the groceries like I did. Sucker.
Someone above mentioned the attitude of the sociopath in that they seem to set themselves up as some prize to be won and kept. Mine certainly did that. He was continually reminding me that he could have anybody, and like a fool, I let this get to me. I should have told him to just go find someone else then. By establishing himself as this higher entity in the relationship, that created a sense that I had to “serve” him in order to be worthy. It definitely wasn’t a 50-50 give-and-take energy. It was more like a 90-10, tipped in his direction. I was thinking today of all of the things that I did for him, all the sacrifices and concessions, and how he made my sacrifices seem like some kind of privilege. As though I was “lucky” to get to give things up for him. Hmm …
Unwilling – You’ve made me remember – when things started getting bad my x would say to me – “Are my clothes still hanging in your closet? Just sit there and look sexy” I feel sick just writing it.
I finally started back on the Lexapro today. Thank God! I have an appointment w/ my therapist next week. I have never been more sad and depressed and angry as I have these last 3 weeks.
I just found out that my grandfather is dying, like a ticking time bomb. he has had Alzheimer’s for a long time, but now we found out he is in pain with bladder cancer. And, I want to call the one person here that I had the most comfort with (although it was fake and one-sided). But I know that he wouldn’t care or understand, and where would it get me. But it just made me realize even more how alone I am, 1000’s of miles away from any family. I’m so sad tonight.
REV. DR. jere is in the house :)~