It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
MY CRS IS TERRIBLE!!!
I have been e mailing everyone telling them C is coming home, and I just posted it here again on another thread!!! LOL ROTFLMAO and I don’t care….I may post it again tomorrow “59 days and counting” or something like that.
He moved out of state. He was so frightened and suprised at his wife and her BF trying to kill him, totally freaked out that his P brother had been conning him all along, that the Trojan HOrse Psychopath was not his friend, that his grandmother was a toxic enabler, and that his “mother had been right all along”—he had felt so trapped between people he loved and trusted. Me and son D on one side and his grandmother, wife, the TH-P and his P-brother on the other side—I remember that day in the parking lot at the sheriff’s office when the Trojan horse P had to leave my mom’s house and he drove out of the parking lot with a smirk on his face, my DIL was smirking also, and my mom, but son C had the SADDEST face I have ever seen in my life. He was in such pain.
C’s step son who was in a wheel chair tried to run me over and cursed at me until a deputy had to threaten to arrest him if he didn’t stop (DIL had really taught her children “manners.”) and my son C looked so sad I wept on the way home for him.
I think too, when we found the bondage porno on the Trojan Horse’s camera, photos made in my mother’s house while she was gone with son C out of town, it sort of clinched the fact that DIL was lying through her teeth and wasn’t telling him the truth, the attempt on his life was the “final straw”—his world was turned upside down. He “lost” not only his wife, and his “friend” but his brother and grandmother, all of whom had betrayed him completely.
My son C has a HUGE heart, and is such a good man. He is kind and caring and giving—just like most of us are, that’s why we were targeted in the first place, but he is learning to set boundaries, just like I am, and though he has been 400 miles away since august last year, we are closer than ever, talking on the phone often and deeply, and his brother D and he talk frequently.
I will have to be on my “good behavior” though, as with two of them back in the house again, “I don’t stand a chance” LOL I posted a sign once in the aircraft hangar that said “the beatings will continue until MORALE IMPROVES” lol and their nick name for me is “Osama, my mama” but I feel really sorry for the next P I happen to “date”–speaking of NOT STANDING A CHANCE! LOL
OxD,
I have picked up bits and pieces of your story, but did not realize your son left the state on account of the P’s. Now that he’s coming back, the two of you can look out for each other. This is so awesome.
Do you remember the soap “All My Children”? Your story could be called “All My Psychopaths”. I cannot imagine dealing with so many of them in succession. You must have a will of steel to have survived all that!
Thanks SG,
My son D tells me that I am the strongest person he can imagine, but lots of times even though I “kept going” I was in so much pain (though I was great at “covering it up”–my mother taught me to play “let’s pretend we are a nice normal family” so well) I didn’t FEEL strong. I am actually FEELING strong now. Son D has been with me all along, he is my ROCK and the two of us have been like two one-legged men, leaning on each other for support. Son C, whose wife was the P that tried to kill him, was totally shattered and ran like a rabbit, and I was glad he did. He was so emotionally injureed it was good for him to go where he KNEW he was safe. He moved a state away with a high school friend (august of 07) so he’s been gone a little more than a year, and it was good for him. His friend is kind of a “fruit cake” but he’s a caring nice guy and rented C a room. So it was wonderful that he had a friend to lean on, and a SAFE place to stay. He also came here to LF and read, and I talked to him, and he read several books, including Dr. Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience”–comparing my P-son with Hare’s book is like looking at the Prototype Psychopath, so it wasn’t hard to see that my P-son is a psychopath, and once you grasp that, the healing can start. As long as you don’t know what you are dealing with, and you think there might be the smallest chance of “change” it is hard to quit, to give up, but once you grasp that there is NO HOPE that they will change, then you can grieve, heal and move on.
I’m so grateful to God that my son had a refuge where he could heal and feel safe. That P woman is out of his life, she is our of our lives. We have restored our relationship that we had before he met her and she alienated him from his family, especially from me. That isolation of the victim from support systems, family, friends, etc. is SOP (standard operating procedures) Divide and conqueor. Isolate and control.
OxD, the greatest thing is that you have found meaning in your ordeal. You are helping others now. What a great gift. And strangely, I’m now craving fruit cake…..I’m sooo suggestible!!
You brought up a very important point for all of us about giving up hope that the S’s will change. In any break-up, it’s the hope that keeps us holding on. Once you give up hope, it’s easier to let go and move on. It seems easier said than done sometimes.
‘too love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance’ oscar wilde
Kisses Henry
thanks indigo i really want to recommend a book too you. Meaning from Madness by Richard Skerritt – you will have to order online and it is only 15 bucks too anyone hear looking for some kind of understanding please get this book – it is a short read but so powerful…
Oxy said: ” As long as you don’t know what you are dealing with, and you think there might be the smallest chance of “change” it is hard to quit, to give up, but once you grasp that there is NO HOPE that they will change, then you can grieve, heal and move on……… That isolation of the victim from support systems, family, friends, etc. is SOP (standard operating procedures) Divide and conqueor. Isolate and control.”
Oxy, I believe you have hit the nail on the head with two of the biggest problems people face once they are involved with a S or a P. It was difficult for me to ACCEPT what I was dealing with, to wrap my mind around the idea that some people have no conscience and that they deliberately do the things they do, to stop trying to figure out some other explanation for the problems and to stop trying to “help”.
And then when you do start to “get it” and you realize you are soooooo isolated with no family or friends, no support system. The one thing I have learned from this is to NEVER build your life around someone to the point where you have very little contact with other people. It is not healthy, even if you are in a good relationship with someone who is not a P or a S.
Dear Jen,,
I saw a program on TV the other night (don’t ususally watch Any TV but happened to get this on late night) it was Day of Discovery, a religious based Christian broadcast, but not the traditional “preaching” type of thing. Its FOCUS WAS ABUSE in “Christian” groups. A couple who were Christians, in fact, he was in Seminary at the time, and he was physically and emotionally abusive to his wife. She has become an abuse counselor since then and he has totally stopped the abuse.
They also went into the way CHURCHES traditionally handle this, they get the man to say “sorry” and then the wife is supposed to PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED—-AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
The man, who is now a minister and a counselor of abusive men and abused women, said the he kept saying “sorry” but not CHANGING HIS BEHAVIOR, and they also pointed out the issue of TRUST after abuse.
It was an EXCELLENT show, showing that The “Churches” telling a woman over and over that her UNCHANGING abusive husband must be ACCEPTED for her to be a “Christian” is also ABUSE.
I was very suprised at this show and you can order a copy of the video for “any donation” no amount stated, so I guess you could send in a $1 and they would send you one. Thre is also a web site Day of Discovery DOD.com I think.
I was very very VERY pleased to see a Christian group that is working on ABUSE in a REALISTIC way, both Spiritually and emotionally. Because if a church group who SHOULD be supportive of the woman, is instead, more supportive of the “phoney repentence” (but unchanged behavior) of the husbands is all a woman has for “support” she is SOL and ends up being abused both spiritually AND by her spouse. Ditto for abusive women as well.
One of the greatest things about my marriage was that my late huband and I trusted each other completely and we each had our separate groups of friends (as well as our joint friends) and our separate activities that we went to, even on over night trips away, but there was NEVER a day that went by no matter how far apart we were physically that we did not talk on the phone for at least an hour! Even back when “long distance” phone calls were VERY expensive…because we wanted and needed to “be with” each other even when we were apart, yet we each enjoyed activities separate from the other’s interests.
He was totally supportive of my living history stuff and worked tireless days and hours to help support my “hobby” and he was more into the aviation than I was but I worked numberless hours to “support” his interest and fed his friends 1000s of meals at my table.
We had a large group of mutual friends and each had a large group of “individual” friends and our house was always full of people, laughter and good company. I can’t imagine how it must feel to someone to be isolated by their “love of their life” from all other people. To me that is a BIG RED FLAG! My son C’s wife did that to him. It dumbfounded me at the time because he just “pulled away” from us, from the laughter and fun of our house, from everything. About the only time we saw him was at holiday meals and even that was “strained.” I think it is about a “control” issue, obviously, so that they can have the “only opinion” about things, and not get input from family and friends. As close as my son C was to my husband and everyone else (even our friends) it suprised me that she was able to do this with him, but she did. Unfortunately, you are “helpless” in a situation like this if someone you love is isolated from you by a P. All you can do is what I did, and wait until your loved one “sees the light” and be there for them when they do. If you try to “fight” it, it only makes it worse.
My PSY did exactly the same ! pout when I left to go do family gatherings. Never got the impression he liked any of my friends but his where fine for him because they wer’nt really friends just pieces in the game. I think this avoidance of others that he had’nt gotten to like him yet has worked for good ! My roommate now kinda influnced him to look else where. That and I have no LIQUID value , $
Another thing I will all WAYS LOVE HIM ! I just can’t/won’t let him take me down w/him LOVE jere