It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
kerisee04
My husband’s ex-s was disfellowshipped from our religion for her constant cheating. There is a provision for reinstatement if the person is truly repentant, but until then, she is not to have contact with members of the congregation. She has started attending services to make people believe she’s trying. She has even used an elder and his family to babysit the kids. But she continues to lead her bad lifestyle. But as long as she’s “trying,” she adopts the high morality mentality, where she’s so above and beyond doing anything else bad and she ‘wants to do what’s right’ and make things right with God, etc, etc, etc. It’s so maddening because she spent years cheating on her husband and never admitting it until she was finally caught. And now she’s using her manipulation skills and family ties to fool people into believing she just made a mistake and is repentant. She is such a dangerous threat!
sistersister
I quit therapy last year, and my therapist told me the reasons for my failure in therapy (only he wouldn’t call it “failure,” oh no, that was my term, I was “blaming” myself). I was one of the most defensive people he’d ever met. In the same conversation, he told me I “beat up on myself” all the time. OK, bye. . . .
So the other place where you can be a victim of a psychopath is in psychotherapy. Are there any data on how many psychos become therapists? There seems to be no accountability in the field, and it’s littered with all these labels that are really of no use to us, except to control other people. To wit: Is a person a “jerk,” a “narcissist” or a “sociopath”? as asked on this site.
“. . . his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly . . . to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.” That pretty well describes the therapeutic process of confusing a person to induce “change.”
It also describes my sister, who gets endless satisfaction from blaming me for her shit. Do I blame myself? Nope, not a bit. I told her regularly she was full of it, that I wanted her to get help. I was bullet-proof and grounded, but sadly, that’s just enabling, too.
It’s like if someone went around with a clown nose on, and nobody said, “Hey, that’s a clown nose, and it’s weird.” Her clown nose is now part of her everyday outfit.
Wini
Dear sistersister: Did you ever notice that people who live in their egos always. blame others? It’s never them. If it’s not them, it always has to be someone else fault!
No contact with your sister. This way, you won’t know what she’s doing and she can’t blame you for her problems any more.
I haven’t talked to my middle sister for about 4-5 months now. I know have Freedom, Peace, serenity. I finally told her that I was tired of her “shooting from the hip” theories of life … to pick up the Bible and read it for once in her life than living from her ego … the Bible explains and teaches wisdom for how humans here on Earth should live our lives.
Now her husband can deal with her nonsense, I did for all these years out of love for her, plus she’s blood.
Peace.
lostingrief
wini:
please, can you tell me my angel?
what info do you need?
thanks
hens
Hiya Wini Hows it going? I need a hug today or a boink on the head from Ox. I just can’t seem to get past this depression and feeling of guilt. His memory is unrelentless. Some of you have followed my drama over the past 7 or 8 months. He is no doubt a cluster b – I had to make him leave. But when he was here he was so good at putting the blame for all his faults on me. And I tried so hard to except him. I know he was just here for a place to stay. And I keep looking back at all those moments that sent chills down my spine – those looks of disgust he gave me one moment – then he could turn on the charm when I would say “you look so miserable and unhappy”. For the most part I am good and functioning. I just replay all those moments when I knew I was being conned, I could feel it – sense it. He lied soo much – so easily. When he said I Love You – it didnt feel like love to me. I always doubted his intentions. I wanted to feel it – in some ways he was everything I ever dreamed of. Guess I am still delusional. Dont have a clue where he is. I have not tried to find him. Believe me I dont want him. I just dont want anyone ever to lie about loving me again..thanks peep’s i needed to vent…
hens
lie to me about anything and I will get over it – Lie to me about Loving me and I just dont understand – that is so cruel – unjust – nobody deserves to be lied to about being LOVED
Wini
Kerisee04: You would find the following site interesting:
http://www.abusefacts.com/articles/Givers-Takers.ph
This site is what the leaders of the churches know about what we are calling anti-social personalities, however, the church leaders call them “trouble makers”… nice word (LOL).
Anyway, after you review the givers and takers, check out the links that are added in this site … very interesting reading.
Peace.
hens
I feel you guys out there thanks
Wini
Henry, Henry, Henry … you cup overflows with LOVE. That’s your problem, not your EX. He was the problem … but, that hurdle you did overcome …
Now you’ve got to funnel your love into someone else or something else. Let’s see, what can you come up with (LOL).
I would have loved to see the love you were provided as a kid. Sounds like you had great parents.
Smile, it’s contagious.
Peace.
hens
nope wini didnt have wonderful parents at all they fed and clothed me and took me to doc if sick but mom is the biggest Narcissist in the world (she is the root of most of my problems) she trained me to be her parent. My dad was just not there – i never gained his approval about anything. I am a great parent- I am going to see a movie tonite with my two grown sons (apaloosa)