It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
hens
– my physciatrist told me he could put me in a room with 25 men and i would pick the sociopath – i think I am wiser than that – I have learned alot in the past months about myself- my past – yeah i have some issues – i am dealing amd working on them – does not erase how I was used –
Wini
Henry … then you are the male version of Oxy. Knowing instinctively to love through life than to go over to their way of living.
I’m glad you and your sons are getting together … have fun with them at the movie … and maybe, just maybe being a sponsor for big brothers (just a thought) … a big brother for 1 or 2, or even 3 little boys that don’t have a dad … would keep you very active (LOL). EX who?
Peace.
hens
borderline personality disorder + sociopath = cluster B. I came home one time and another man was here with him – I kicked him out – he comes back and cut’s his wrist claiming I am the one he loves – i patch him up and he repeats the same thing over again -and convinced me I was the reason he cheated…and I believed him – how sick was I? am I?
Wini
Henry, your shrink sounds like he needs a shrink. And, he is shrinking your head … not expanding your mind.
I love how anti-social personalities blame us for the anti-social personalities that came into our space. Maybe, just maybe, they (our EXs) were using the power of positive thinking and drew us into their madness … and we were just living our lives not thinking any selfish thoughts?
Peace.
hens
yes oxy and I have alot in common when it comes to mothers we have discussed that –
Wini
Henry: I can’t answer the wrist cutting question.
Sorry, I’m laughing (not at you) BUT, that you wrote it the way you wrote it.
I’m pulling myself together now … reminds me of my sister pretending to cut her wrists over a self centered idiot husband she was married to in her early 20s. DRAMA. It’s all about DRAMA … until the wing nut got the ambulance and ER bills … then it wasn’t funny to her anymore … the myopic viewpoint she had at the time to get her husband’s attention, she never turned to that drama again.
No … she’s not suicidal … she’s just arrogant. Funny, years later she forgot to mention to her only son, that his dad was her 2nd husband, and she now lives with her 3rd. Daaaaaaaa, slipped her mind I guess (LOL). My nephew is exactly like me, carbon copy … she always told me this and to this day says that her son is just like me. Mmmhhhhhhh, I wonder if that’s why I never had children … would they turn out like her?
Good grief.
Peace.
Wini
Sorry Henry … I do read Oxy’s words of wisdom … but usually when they are directed toward me … or someone else close to her bloggs (in line with my writing her)… I usually don’t review everything she’s written to everyone else … sorry, I didn’t stick my nose into your bloggs with her … unless they were close in line to mine.
Peace.
hens
thanks for the chat Wini talk at ya later tater!!!
Wini
Henry, Henry, Henry … talk with you later!
Ox Drover
Dear Henry,
((((Henry)))))) now BOINK!!!!
Keep going to your shrink darling! and I hope you are on some medication as well for the depression. (((hugs))))
It takes TIME dear Henry, and I know you want it NOW, and I can relate to that 100% but give it some time, and you will have these little back slides now and then, but you are having them less often, and I think you are catching them and realizing that they are just that, little back slides that WONT LAST FOREVER.
Been out winterizing the place, 100 different little tasks, and enjoying the fall weather. The freeze a couple of night’s ago got my mat’ter plants, and I brought all the green ones inside and all the potted plants so they didn’t freeze.
I’m so stoked that my son C is coming home right before Christmas that I can hardly wait. It is the best Christmas present I could possibly have had. I know what it is to have a good relationship with your kids again and that is so grand. I am glad that your kids and you and the grandkids get on so well. Lean on them, Henry, for the hugs and love that we all need in our lives even when we don’t have a “relationship” type thing going. The human mind/spirit/body need physical hugs to “keep our spine from shriveling” and I get those hugging my sons, and my friends–male and female! And of course, hugging the doggies. (((((hugs dear Henry))))) (and an ice pack for your head) LOL