It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Indigoblue
Ok Babe read your male Im ota er this forms to slow like walkin the blindlady to the morgue Peace Out ANGELS yas Know I loves ya jere
Fighter
This ties right in with the findings that children of Narcissists and/or Sociopaths become MAGNETS for them in relationships later in life.
These parents literally TEACH their children never to displease or disagree. Then when the pathological comes along and plays mind games, withholds affection or attention after targetting “love bombing” to lure them in – wham! — it all seems very familiar…
… and too much to resist until these victims realize.
Ox Drover
Figh.”ter, it doesn’t even have to be the Ns or Ps themselves, as the “enabling” family member who is responsible for fixing all the goof ups of the Ps and Ns in the family, she/he is the one who conditions the kids to NEVER DISPLEASE DADDY/MOMMY or all hell will break lose, and you better clean up where s/he vomited last night when s/he came home drunk, and oh, BTW, call his/her boss and tell them he is sick and won’t be in today…yes, it makes us vulnerable to them. Sets us up to be prey. Normalizes that behavior and our need to “fix” it to be a good boy/girl and get “love” if we do it and punishment if we don’t. Habituation to the situation. We think chaos is “normal family life.” LET’S JUST PRETEND WE ARE A NICE NORMAL FAMILY.
lostingrief
fighter:
my dad was a sociopath. he lied about everything. was physically and emotionally abusive. cheated on my mom.
however, i was incredibly rebellious. did everything he forbade me to do. got in trouble ALL the time.
but it didn’t save me. most of my relationships have been with either s/p’s or n’s or passive aggressive types. always trying to get someone to love me (since my father didn’t).
i don’t necessarily think i still have ”daddy” issues, but having a s/p for a father doesn’t make it easy. i feel that my ‘wiring’ got messed up really early in life, and i’ve been trying to rewire ever since.
it was just, ”if i only do ONE more good thing, then for SURE he’ll love me.”
nope. didn’t work with him OR any of my loves.
but now i know what they are, who they are, and hopefully how to avoid them. live and learn. i’m a good and loving woman and i won’t give up on my happiness no matter how many of these a-holes get in my way.
my minister here in nyc says that being in this city is proof that you’re working on a ”spiritual doctorate.” AMEN.
Wini
lostingrief: I give you a lot of credit for finding the peace and harmony you so long for all your life … and realized that it is inside of yourself. It always was there. Maybe that’s another reason God puts “them” in our path … to remember that he (GOD) is always with us and always will be with us. WE just needed to have another viewpoint to see what we needed to see. Stepping back to see the overall picture … not viewing “them” or our situations myopically.
Peace sweetie, you are on the right path. Life is wonderful.
Indigoblue
Win
You always get me going!:)~
We are not Punished by our creator!
We Punish ourselves by not being quiet enough to hear its voice!
It speaks so softly that unless we slow down and get out of the rat race we will never hear it!
It speaks to me every day all the time!
background; Unemployed 7 month
financialy ruioned
no personal relationship /boyfriend 7yrs
my family thinks I am nuts
my roommate thinks I am nuts(calls it bull
sh*t)
do you need more?
LOVE jere
lostingrief
wini: i’ve always been very spiritual, though not religious. i’m sure not perfect, but have always been very compassionate and tried to do right by people (probably because not many did right by me). i still believe that people are basically good, that we all struggle our way to peace and knowing.
this was a big blow to me. i moved back to nyc after the s/p/n begged me for two years to return to him. he promised to divorce his wife (who he ‘never loved’) and live happily ever after with me. i finally relented and this is what i got; five years of total chaos, bankruptcy, used, cheated on, deceived, insulted, twisted and manipulated.
i don’t really HATE anyone, but i have not been able to forgive him. i still have trouble understanding why he would trash the one person in the world who was ALWAYS there for him, who always had his back whether we were together or apart over the past 20 years. it’s truly unbelievable.
you say that he wanted to see how badly damaged his property is … you’re right. he always saw me as ”his”, and he NEVER thought i would leave him, no matter what he did. he was always testing me. well, he finally hit my limit! he’s in for a very rude awakening. NC NC NC NC NC FOREVER!
he will never hear my voice or see my face again.
good luck and good riddance to him.
creep.
(ok, i think i’m done now)
Wini
Indi, Indi, Indi … your words are so true. He is always with us … and because we are too busy to listen, we think he’s not speaking to us. But, he does … all the time he reaches his arms around us and whisper softly in our ears … we just have to understand how he communicates with us.
What you think is coincidence. Is not. When you think of something and then it happens … it is God who heard us and making sure it comes into our paths.
So Glad you reminded me and all of us of this fact.
Peace.
Indigoblue
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Indigoblue
GOD ? i was talking about me KING of the universe!
Oh Sweet heart can I use your car and credit card I am outa BEER:)~