It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Thanks Wini xx
Do you know, i am happy to simply luxuriate in the knowledge i have finally regained about 99% of the peace of mind i lost for over a year, as that is what i value above all else. It’s like i have finally managed to sort a load of un-numbered ripped out pages of a book into their correct order and can at last make sense of that story, before throwing it onto the bonfire and allowing it to become a distant memory in the back of my mind, where it belongs. (I would usually recycle paper, but i wouldn’t wish to inflict this story on anyone!)
He cannot hurt me any more, as i now feel completely indifferent towards him. It’s a good feeling! ;o)
Namaste: I know, it just takes time … along with knowledge being power. Power to empower ourselves again.
What I meant about becoming a psycho and that anyone could do it … comes down to absolute power, corrupts absolutely … give yourself the right state of mind and will power, and you to can do what they do. And of course you are right, we do respect our humanity and others … is the reason our conscious is our breaking mechanism in life. But, if we wanted to focus on any of the vices in life, we could … and that too would take a life of its own … bigger and better as life goes on. I’ve seen decent people have their heads turned due to stroking on the parts of anti-socials … and they got caught into the hype of evil, not knowing it was evil at the time … then as they finally take a look around them them, they are horrified that they got caught up in the cycle of sin … and they think that there is no turning back, that they can never be decent again. But, that isn’t true … it’s never too late to pray to God for forgiveness.
As for our EX’s again, everyone they come in contact, doesn’t know they have hidden agendas … we see them as we see ourselves, which is natural. Most people assume another is like ourself … so we naturally assume we are safe in our thoughts and actions with others.
Peace.
I understand what you’re saying there Wini. I know for a fact that if i had become even more involved with him, ie allowing him to move into my home (perish the thought! lol), it would have led to a bloodbath sooner rather than later.
I could already sense he was bringing out the worst in me, just by being in his company. His bizarre behaviour was starting to make me angry (maybe it was my defences coming to the fore? I don’t know). The last time i saw him, i had recently ‘discovered’ he was prepared to be unfaithful to me. I had been chatting to him online using an alias ~ ‘Carmela’ (as well as exchanging messages with him as myself at exactly the same time!) and he asked ‘her’ for a date the following weekend! I then asked him for a date that weekend too, to see which one of us he would choose and i planned to turn up anyway, regardless of whichever one of ‘us’ he’d chosen! I’m not usually devious and prefer to be upfront with people, but as we all know, this isn’t really an option when dealing with an S. I regarded it as merely fighting fire with fire as i simply didn’t know if i could trust him or not, due to the mindgames he’d already started playing with me.
Well, as things turned out he gave ‘Carmela’ a lame excuse as to why he couldn’t see her (‘sorry ~ something’s come up’), but requested she ‘keep in touch’. So i was the not so lucky ‘chosen one’ that weekend. I was so wound up that someone who claimed to love me so much was obviously lining up women to go with behind my back that about halfway through the night, the lid suddenly came off my suppressed anger and i landed a jab squarely on his chin and with such force his head snapped back and forth like you see in cartoons. Although i’m very petite, years of sparring with my older brother when i was younger had taught me how to land a punch Muhammed Ali would be proud of. It literally came out of nowhere and i was just as shocked as he was, but managed to keep my composure enough to say over my shoulder as i walked away from him “By the way…. i AM Carmela!” He was the one who looked like a rabbit caught in headlights for once! He he.
I seriously think i would have ended up in court on a murder charge if i’d stayed with him much longer as i know he would have sent me crazy in a psycho-type way. I’m so relieved i got away from him and the certain risk of that particular scenario!
namaste: wow, at least you got a punch in. i would have bashed his head in if i thought i could have gotten away with it, but he’s a street-thug type and i’m sure it would have been a bad ending for one of us.
if i had stayed with him much longer, i think i would have died, too … not physically at his hands (he never hit me), but from soul murder. i was literally without any life force at the end. i felt like i was dying. it was very palpable. horrible. just horrible. i look back on it and realize he knew i was dying. i think that’s why he decided to tell me about his pregnant gf when he did.
i think he knew i couldn’t take much more mind-effing. he told me for months i was crazy, jealous, stupid. ”YOU’RE the one who has guys up in here when i’m away!” unbelievable.
what makes me most sad is that he didn’t become abusive toward me until the last year, after his mom’s death. i knew he was abusive to his wife, but stupidly i never thought he’d turn against me the way he did. i was his ‘queen.’
pfffttt! how stupid i was.
anywho, punching him in the face and seeing that cartoon ‘snap back’ must have been something, girl. i’m not a violent person at all, but i certainly could have become one had i been pushed any further.
i think we all have our limits.
I haven’t written in awhile, so this might be a long one”
I printed this article when I first read it because it makes so much so sense and explained so much, so I wanted to have it at hand to remind myself “WHY.” And I just came across the copy. It makes me so sad how things have ended, because now looking back, I was definitely the pleaser. I always tried to be as beautiful as possible, a great cook, fun in general, love sex how he wanted it, you name it. How exhausting that I was never good enough or appreciated! And in that, I lost myself. Talk about having no self-esteem, I wanted nothing more than to be with this confident man, and to make him want me. “Someday he’ll realize and admit I am irreplaceable and uncomparable.” So, when was obvious that that was never going to happen, I only tried harder. I was always worried about who I was to him, and be part of HIS life, but when the heck did he ever try to be a part of or even take interest in MY life?? Never. So my own life became meaningless and joyless without him. And that makes me sad.
I just started talking to a counselor, because I think that I am starting to hit some bad depression. And after she asked me to explain the relationship from the beginning, she stopped me halfway, and said, ‘This is not about HIM, its about YOU, and why YOU would stay with him after the way he treated YOU.” She then proceeded to ask me WHY I would stay so long and put up with such abuse. After hesitation, and of course, trying to understand my long childhood history of chaos and emotional neglect growing up, I decided it was definitely because I am ALWAYS analytical and self-blaming, and with him being the absolute narcissist, it makes sense. I mean hey, in HIS words, “I’m 30 and I’m a stud.”
After I found the printed article tonight, I started crying. I could not have done enough for him. Never, no matter what. I would never be pretty enough, or sweet or forgiving or sexy enough. And God did not want this for me (any longer). It was and is completely out of my hands. So this goes back to the article “the getting in is easy, why is the getting out so hard?” So, why is it?
Growing up, my parents divorced when I was two, blaming always went on between them, and I never got the attention I deserved as a child. I have a memory of when I was in PRE-SCHOOL sitting on the playground by myself crying because I was lonely! And I never felt like anyone liked me. I felt like a loser, and I never had steady or solid self-esteem. (If you met me though, you’d probably see a sweet person, always being called ’bubbly.’ Well, I am still not sure if that is the real me, or when I am just happy, because when I am along and self-reflecting, I am anxious and unconfident).
And he gave me love that I wanted so so bad. Passion-love at first sight,-meant to be-perfect-kind of- love. I was so lost in a fantasy with him. From the beginning, he really did find out what insecurities I had, what fantasies and dreams I had, and then hooking me with empty promises. That was HALF my fault and responsibility. I was so open, naïve, and I had no boundaries. Not only was I so open and giving, but I admitted to him immediately what I went through with the first abusive x-s. Can you say I had it written on my forehead?! I guess all I can say that it is so hard because I am confused about what exactly is my fault and what is his. I am a self-blamer, so naturally I am thinking that “I LOST SOMETHING WHEN HE LEFT.” Did I really LOSE anything? What am I grieving over? Me or him? He said I always apologized too much, actually getting annoyed with it. But it was true, I did. So, what was my fault, and what wasn’t? I want to understand because I would rather fix my faults so I never do it again, then sit here and cry about “What else could I have done to FIX us, or how could I have been better, etc.”
It makes me sad that he did abuse me and the love I wanted to give and share so bad. I hate that he straight out played me for a fool. As time passes, and it becomes clearer, puzzle pieces come together and I realize more lies that I missed at the time. And I don’t feel like a beautiful happy woman anymore. I don’t trust anyone, let alone a man now. I think I have PTSD. Will I ever trust and love again? It was my fault that GAVE him trust so fast, he never PROVED anything to me. I’m so angry that I gave my love to someone who did not deserve my love! I would actually tell him I loved him, and many times he would say, “ You are not THE ONE,’ or’ I don’t see you in my future” So mean! He would tell me “We aren’t together” but would call to say he missed me when I left him, and what happened to “MJ and Dan?” to get me back. I KNOW somewhere inside of him he knew I deserved better, especially when he would say it! Maybe he did me a favor by leaving”finally”
But I couldn’t, and still can’t see another future without him. I still can’t let go. They are so twisted they even use the grieving process against us to weaken us. I am in DENIAL that he isn’t coming back (he actually had the audacity to change his phone number like I was harassing him, when in reality I was telling him how he has hurt me, etc.). Anyway, he HAS come back so many times, and I would actually expect and wait for him to come back after he ’realized’ what he did and lost. Ha! And now, I have finally been officially discarded. Or have I”?
But who cares! I know this is hard, but I WILL get through this, and I WILL find someone who loves ME for ME! Its just so hard to see and think straight into the future right now after I have been emotionally wrecked and sabotaged for so long.
And once again, I feel abandoned and lonely. Will I be eternally lonely?
If you all got this far, thanks for reading :O)
How ironic of what song came on by Sarah McLaughlin that I am listening to is so ’perfect’ right now, lol
Perfect Girl
Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me
Don’t worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don’t forgo know that you’re loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them ’round
Til I’m the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I’m the one to blame for all of this…
Don’t worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don’t forgo know that you’re loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You’ll find yourself alright alone
You’ll find yourself with open arms
You’ll find yourself you’ll find yourself in time
The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
‘Cause I can’t compete I can’t deny there’s nothing that I didn’t try
How did I go so wrong in loving you
Don’t worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don’t forgo know that you’re loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time
Dear LGLG,
Being yourself is good enough. Trying to be what someone else wants you to be never works. I’ve done it all my life and didn’t succeed—my mother doesn’t love me any more now than she ever did, I was never good enough to please her. It doesn’t matter if you are doing it for a lover, husband, boss or parent. It never works.
I finally realized I am a pretty nifty person JUST LIKE I AM. I’m not perfect, but I don’t have to be perfect for people to love me. If I WAS perfect (no one is) it still wouldn’t be good enough for them. Even God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, so what human has the right to expect me to be “perfect”–or to be something I’m not.
You are a PRETTY NIFTY PERSON, JUST LIKE YOU ARE. He is the big loser, not you. You only lost a fantasy–he lost a pretty nifty person. YOU. ((((hugs))))
I think the difference between us and sociopaths is that we actually ‘feel’ We have emotion and we express it freely and openly which is something that terrifes the cold, distant sociopath. As time goes on our frustration with the sociopath’s behaviour causes us to express our emotions perhaps overly passionately and we wind up thinking we’re the crazy unstable ones at the end when in actual fact we were driven that way!
Only when I exposed his mask 8 months in and refuse to allow him to control my weight did my (suspected sociopath) ex turn on me. The relationship became a battleground where he strived to win every argument and resented the hell out of me when he didn’t because i’m cleverer than him lol! Or I was just right because unlike him I’m emotionally healthy….
Our relationship ended in July when I gave him an ultimatum. I’d had enough. After 2 yrs together with no engagement/move in/future plans beyond our next ‘date’ I was beginning to feel like a booty call and my mental health was suffering. My life was at a standstill.
In an attempt to give myself a boot up the backside out of the rut I had gotten into, I took the oppportunity of going abroad for 6 weeks to teach English to the adult sister of my now married foreign ex fiance from 6 years ago. I didn’t see my ex at all – he lives 500 miles away from his family.
3 weeks in I knew what I wanted from my socio-ex and over the phone told him again how frustrated I was and how I didn’t want things to be the same when I got back home. It was either we move forward properly with solid plans for our future as a couple or I have to go as I was very very unhappy. My home was horrid, my career was up in the air – the only thing keeping me in the same life and limiting my options for improving it was him. For example, he didn’t want to leave our homecity whereas I would so in staying with him job and home options were limited to the local area as opposed to pretty much the whole world if I was single!
Well he chose to split up and when I suggested meeting up face to face when I got home to split properly and give our 2yrs the respect they deserved he sent me a text refusing saying he thought a clean break was best for both of us, therefore this was the last text he would send me and the last he would read from me. And that was it. Over.
I suspect him of sociopathy simply because to my mind only a socio could do that to someone they have been intimately involved with for 2 yrs. Having said that, perhaps he wasn’t as involved as I thought he was. Sure i was emotionally involved and loved him very much – i couldn’t just walk away from him like that. But perhaps I am assuming that he was as involved as much as I was???!!!
Either way indicates some level of sociopathy – he lied to me emotionally and used me as a pawn for 2 years until I put the pressure on and pulled his mask off, or he is able to cowardly walk away from someone like he did without a thought for how it affects them, after they out oressure on him and pull his mask off…..
Oh and when I met him he was 34 years old, had never had a girlfriend, lived with his parents and had no job. When we split he was 36 and had found a job but is still to my knowledge living with his parents. I’m 7 years younger than him, beautiful, educated, professionally qualified and independent.
I guess the signs were there from the start that he was at least a jerk! Still i’d be interested in your opinions on whether he was a socio!!
Gen xx
Genevieve79: Funny that you mentioned our emotional side and how the anti-social personality hates that about us.
In one of my depositions (giving by my bosses attorneys) they questioned me about acting out with emotions during business meetings. My answer was “NO”. Which drove the attorneys crazy … because I knew my bosses and their cronies did everything to get me to cry or get so frustrated during their well orchestrated set ups. I just sat there stoned face and conducted myself professionally … even though they destroyed all my work.
Funny, the one piece of work they totally destroyed and thought I would surely get overwhelmed with emotions about was the one and only piece of work that was done by one of their cronies which I didn’t care for in the first place but I added the work to the entire package just to show our team spirit. The bosses totally trashed the work and kept asking me what did I think that they were yanking that work from the total package. I said, “fine, do what you want … I didn’t create it, it was created by so and so”. That went over well with my bosses, they got up from the conference table and just left everyone behind … I guess the meeting was adjourned (LOL). Big SMILE!
Just for asking that question told me those attorneys knew what they were dealing with in my bosses and just didn’t care. Money meant everything to them.
Peace.
I can totally relate to this article. It’s me. That’s why it was so easy for him. I’ve left him and are in the middle of nasty custody issues which I’m sure will go on for quite some time. I’m learning a lot and getting stronger.
.
One issue keeps bugging me though. It’s not him. I am over him and understand now who he is. Other’s reactions bother me. I can’t understand how others, who should know me better, immediately believe whatever lie it is that he tells them. He has turned friends, work colleagues and his family against me. To me, it is so obvious what occurred. I’ve tried to tell people if they want to know what happened come and see the evidence (I have substantial proof). I have tried to always be extremely honest with these people and act with integrity but none of that seems to matter at all. I truly can’t understand their lack of loyalty or even any kind of consideration. In my lowest point, people who I trusted abandoned me over things he has said to them about me. They didn’t even check with me. I was severely bashed by my ex when I was pregnant, he took me for a LOT of money and the list goes on. I can prove it all. I have to have surgeory now to fix my face. Yet no one cares at all. It seems that it’s more comfortable for them to think the worst of me than to acknowledge what actually happened. I would love to know if there is any studies or data on how a sociopaths family will or will not support them and deny their wrong doings even if faced with evidence to the contrary, and also to the degree in which they support them. I can understand them standing by him but I can’t understand them condoning his actions and laying the entire blame upon me. I did nothing to this man and only tried to build him up.
Hi Indi:
Being unemployed probably doesn’t help getting your mind off the ex. Work is a great diversion for me. Even though the thoughts are there, I intermittenly turn them off now and then to focus on a project I’m working on. It’s been 7 months post S and I don’t cry anymore or feel those hurtful pangs. Now I’m just disgusted I allowed myself to be used. I think a lot about all the wasted time and money. What sucks is if this person didn’t want to be with me, why did he waste 2 years of my life?? Why did I let him waste 2 years of my life? I had like $20K saved in the bank when I met him. Now I’m in debt about that much. I’m telling you Indi, this year, I’m going to get a better job and pay off that debt. That will be my revenge. I also call the car I drive my “revenge car” because it’s the one I bought for him and paid for but took it back when he screwed me over.