It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dancing, what he’s really is saying is,
give me 5 minutes and let me change how you feel…”
Yes, I think that sounds good.
ErinBrock,
I love the see-saw analogy. Exactly how I feel. Up in the air or slammed down.
I don’t think I knew how I felt through the separation rollercoaster–maybe I was working so hard to just keep from losing control that I couldn’t let myself feel what I was really feeling. Now I think I feel low rumblings of huge anger and rage that I’ve been suppressing all this time–god knows why.
First, I am angry that I gave myself away, gave my life away. I wanted to see a good guy in this man, a protector, a friend, that when I had real doubts I forced myself to believe a lie. I wanted to get away from a weird family and he dangled an attractive ticket out. I was raped within a year of meeting him, and wanted to escape the traumatizing memory of walking every day in the apt. building lobby where it happened. Felt if I went to another CONTINENT, it would be far enough to forget, safe enough to escape.
Also, add the foreign language and culture in the mix–I couldn’t “read” many signals because of those differences. I was fascinated by his Americanness–he knew everything better than me–so I looked up to him and asked him about everything. I didn’t know where anything was being new to the country, didn’t have any money, as my currency was worthless here, NOT a single friend to call up, NO family. My god–how perfect for him to completely own me in every way. Add to that my blind belief and trust in his goodness–a match made in heaven.
He showed his ugly face soon enough. I felt hurt. Cried. Tried to reason. Looked for help. I turned myself inside out to fix marriage. Blamed myself!! Went on anti-depressants, feeling helpless. I never knew HE was the huge problem. Years and years and years of dragging him to therapy. I feel so mad now that I could have been so dumb.
I rationalized “it wasn’t so bad”–he didn’t beat me, didn’t drink or do drugs or gamble, didn’t cheat on me. He was a responsible provider and good dad–what’s my problem? But he was never THERE as a husband–he couldn’t ever SEE me.
I took him to a weekend workshop on love and intimacy–everything fell apart there. We were to look in each other’s eyes standing in a cricle, and then switch places around the circle with the rest of the people, just an appreciative look into another human’s soul–a touching thing. He looked at me, and as the facilitator said, “See the goodness in this person. See the angel in this person” he SMIRKED like a clown, like this was a big, stupid joke. And I started bawling my eyes out feeling invisible. This is when it hit me like lightning. Within 2 weeks I asked him to separate. I never had the COURAGE before.
If I tried to tell him I’d leave him or want a divorce before, he’d manipulate me within 10 minutes and I’d back down. This time I didn’t.
For two years of separation he was a complete jerk. I didn’t feel for one second that he really loved ME, or missed ME, or reflected about his share of the problem. He was selfish and self centered the whole time. Argued with therapists. Threatened me about money. Threatened to move back in. I had to constantly fend him off to protect my boundaries.
Eventually, he said at therapist’s, “our song is coming to an end. I set you free in love. You set me free in love. ” And he cried. I cried. In silence–then he left thrapist office and that was it.
I had filed for divorce last JUNE! To keep him from moving in the house. A lawyer told me I could change the locks once I actually filed for divorce. I did that. I was like a ninja out in the garage changing the remote combination bec. he has a remote control opener. STILL, even then, he didn’t try to seriously save the marriage.
Before I engaged the lawyer we met for coffee and he asked if I’d continue with the mediator we used to argue over child support in the summer. I said no. He matter of factly said, “go ahead, hire a lawyer” but he wouldn’t hire a lawyer. [BS–it’s just a stalling tactic I think]
So you’d wonder, WHY THE HELL is he freaking out now that he got the proposal in th email? He told me go ahead hire a lawyer–not that I wanted his permission, but it wasn’t a surprise.
The phone keeps ringing I don’t answer and I am sure it’s him, not leaving a message. I am afraid he’ll use the kid in the middle. Suddenly he wants to see her all the time on weekends. He was never like that for TWO years–he’d see her on and off, not every weekend. Now just to come on the property, he seems to want to come see her a lot more.
Thank you guys for listening to me vent. I feel so much anger and disappointment and feel so foolish that I was in this for 21 years.
Silvermoon,
I agree about stepping aside and using a lawyer’s help to protect my interests. Thanks for the diet and exercise reminders–b12? Didn’t think of it, but thanks.
KimFredrick,
Yes, we’ve had 2 whole years, but I’ll prove it to you why you should take me back in five minutes.
Good one.
This post really hits home for me. I stayed in the relationship far too long because I was afraid that I was a failure as a wife. Husband number one told me that and when i met the spath I was at an all time emotional low. He convinced me my ex was a fool (I knew that deep down anyway) and built me up until I married him. Then he kept me on a roller coaster of emotion for years. I realize now that I bought into the game. I felt it I didn’t make this work out with him, I was a failure in relationships. I didn’t give wholeheartedly, I was damaged and not good enough emotionally. And he fed all those notions constantly. Feel like I have wasted so much time and it makes me so sad.
Yeah, Jell, when I let myself think about it, I feel sad, too.
I’m 51 years old, and spent my whole life looking for my soul- mate….I’ve had three really unhappy aliances, but I’ve finally thrown in the towel…for me, this IS A VICTORY…..
I went through hell, and couldn’t understand why I kept throwing myself back in there, like someone who keeps getting back up on the horse, or somone who almost drowns, but keeps getting back in the water….I wanted it sooo bad, I knew I could do it…..Phoooooey.
For me, now,…not important…sad, yes…very.
But, I’m so much happier alone, I have some peace, and it’s
ME’O clock, right here, right now…for the first time.
Amen KIm….I’m in the same place!
I love that–Me O’Clock– thanks for that keeper Kim!!
Well, I have to admit, I saw it on TV, tonight in a commercial, can’t remember what they were advertising, but I thought, Yep, that’s it, it’s me O’clock.
I still love it anyway. I am the same age as you and I too wanted it so bad. I always just wanted a family, a partner that had my back. He exploited that. But now I try to concentrate on the fact that I still have a life without him. Do I wish that I had someone to “hang” with -yes very much. But no longer at the expense of myself.
Just set up NC to protect my sanity.
He emailed:
You know I always trusted you…Are you sure this divorce thing is the right thing for us now because if you do then there we go…
I remember your Dad’s advice…When one is fire the other has to be water…We never seemed to both want to split at the same time and now I’m having doubts but you seem to be sure… Yesterday, I wanted to ask you how you were feeling and to gently tell you everything is going to be ok…and whatever will be will be…
I’m glad you want to be a strong Mom for {D}..You’re really the only effective parent she has… Sometimes, I feel like that little boy with a broken leg that everyone keeps telling to get up and walk…I wish I could.
I replied:
We both tried to improve our marriage, but it did not work. It is time to end it. The decision has been made when we ended therapy, went to court for status conference, and agreed to hire legal help.
It is too hard for me to talk to you right now. I am sorry about the hard feelings, and I feel the same way. I don’t think it will be helpful for us to go on talking about emotions with each other.
I think it’s best at this point to sort out financial/legal agreements through the lawyer’s help.
I hope you understand.
Please send encouragement for me to stay firm no matter how sad, scared, lost, or lonely I get.