It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
p.s.
“please send encouragement…” was meant for the LF board, not for him. 🙂
Stay strong Dancing!! You are doing the best thing for you!!
Dancing, I’m so glad you posted that PS cause I thought your response was great, up until that point. I’m glad it was meant for us and not him. You’re doing great!
I am 37 years old and I have a gut feeling that I am NEVER going to have sex ever again. I am a people pleaser and a total target for spaths and it scares me to death. I am NEVER going to experience pain like this again. How are you all not afraid of every man who comes near you? Prior to this relationship, nothing scared me. I am one of those people who could never do “friends with benefits”. Sex is serious to me and is reserved for someone that I love only. It also bonds me further to the person in question. This man was my first love at age 37 and now I don’t trust myself anymore. My first love was with someone who never existed at all. I was in love with the person he pretended to be. This really freaks me out bad.
Dear Erin,
Had I continued on in life exactly like I was when I met the person I thought I was in love with and loved….I would likely end up repeating the same pattern. I was 38 – I had to grow a bit more and adjust the way I viewed others and learn more about what trust is.
You said ” Sex is serious to me and is reserved for someone that I love only” — ME TOO. But heres the catch — it also now includes being reserved for someone who loves me – by showing me he loves me – with his actions! Not with promises and words and treating me less than I deserve. If you look back were there any red flags for you with him? Did you ever feel uncomfortable or have a strange feeling in your gut that something wasnt right? Many of these things happened to me, but I continued to believe “it was love” when those things occur ITS NOT REALLY LOVE. I may have loved him or felt love for him – but he was not my first love – he was my first encounter with a bad man, a toxic person – a pretender.
I was freaked out at first. But as time went on – I got to look back and see signs I missed, or didnt want to face. I lived in the fantasy of it all. Now I live in reality – and I trust myself to choose only people who treat me right – by their actions – their choices in life – and that they keep their word and earn my trust.
If you are a people please like I was – you will need to learn and grow to know how to make sure you are protecting yourself with boundaries with others and no longer allow yourself to be a target for spaths. Prior to my relationship nothing scared me either. But thats not totally healthy – we need to hone on when we are scared or feel off about someone – its a red flag that we ignored because we were so openly trusting of anyone and everyone = we cant be, we just need to figure out the balance of how to let people have our trust and how they earn ours so we can continue on in life developing honest sincere trusting relationships with people LIKE US!!! They are out there.
I did miss red flags and it is so horrible to know that the person that you thought was the love of your life was a lie from beginning to end. I was the perfect target for him due to having personality traits that I thought were positive. I now feel like I don’t know myself anymore and definitely don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know what to do. I am going through the anger phase big time and half of it is directed at myself. I am thinking I don’t know who I am anymore and that’s really scary.
Dear Erin1972,
That is part of it, not trusting yourself any more, and one of the ways I learned to trust myself was to focus on what I needed, and where I had been looking for it….all the wrong places.
Focus on YOU, and don’t even think right now about dating or relationships, get a relationship, a FRIENDSHIP with YOURSELF.
Put YOU first and foremost and one day you will wake up and realize you are happy, just like you are, by yourself, and then the day will come when you are ready to share that happiness with another HAPPY PERSON. ((((hugs))))
I am SO scared right now and it’s a really horrible feeling. I don’t know how to be scared-it’s not a feeling that I’m familiar with. My phone just rang and I jumped so high off the couch.
Erin,
I think it may also be that we didnt know we could trust ourselves. We didnt even think we needed to turn inward and that we absolutely can protect ourselves if we choose to. I wanted someone to protect me, someone to love me — I turned to and trusted the wrong guy. It wont happen all the time if I dont let it. I can love me and protect me better than anyone. Who knew?
You hit the nail on the head. I didnt really know myself. I knew I had good intentions wanted to do “right” and “please” — but that also included doing right for myself FIRST and FOREMOST.
You are STILL all the wonderful good things and qualities about yourself that you were before meeting him. You havent changed, but your perception has been broadened and opened to more about life and the world around you. It is a change for us from our original way of thinking and being — but it can turn out to be a good change for us – so that we go forward weeding out the bad seeds out there.
Dont be so hard on yourself. You did many things right. You are kind and caring and giving. Dont ever change that about yourself. Just change who you choose to share your specialness and uniqueness with. You wont miss those red flags again… and some people out there wont even give you any red flags…there are good people out there.
It IS really scary. But working through it and facing the challenges you went through with him and what you can improve upon or bring on board into your world from the experience will help you become even stronger and wiser and a red flag sharp shooter!!!!!!
Take a deep breath. Its ok to be angry. Its necessary. It will pass with time and figuring it all out. Try to remember who you are and who/how you want to be. What you deserve in a relationship. It begins with self-love, self-trust, self-awareness… you were a good person to him. He was not a good person to you. He is not someone for you in your life who has your best interest in mind. Its shocking, but once we see it was not entirely our fault – we can start to see hey – we are good people who just didnt have the tools to deal with a toxic person/situation. We are learning about them now! Thank goodness – we are going to be better prepared to share life with others more like us and not be so giving and trusting to toxic people for us!
learnthelesson-you must be an awful lot like me. It’s weird that I can pick up red flags with girlfriends, or people that want to be my friend and with co-workers. I have several spath co-workers. When I first moved back home in 2007, I met this gal at orientation for work. She seemed smart and fun and someone I would like to get to know. We developed a good friendship and started telling secrets to each other, etc. She was the only person I told about my spath. He was married and knew exactly how to throw me off my moral compass to fall for him. I am really freaked out because this girl, my friend was a psychology major before nursing school and she whole-heartedly ENCOURAGED my relationship with him and I told her EVERYTHING. Everytime I would call her upset about him, she would spin it in a way that I should give him a chance, cut him some slack, etc, etc.
Fast-forward-after a year when the wife found out, file for divorce, he moved in with me and then discarded me three weeks later to try to get back with the wife. My girlfriend and all her advice ended and she seemed to not have much sympathy for what I was going through. When I ended enemployed over all of this, I asked her for help getting a job in her town and she wanted nothing to do with helping me and didn’t want me in her life anymore. There is something wrong with her. I would no longer ever consider her to be someone I want in my life. I feel like I can’t trust anybody at all.
AFter it was all over, I talked to a coworker about it. She worked with me and the spath while he and I were together. I told her that L***** had encouraged the relationship and she got mad. She said Erin, I wish you had talked to me instead of her. I would have discouraged the relationship with every ounce of by being. She is NOT a friend for doing that. There is something wrong with her. I agree.
I have become very withdrawn. I keep to myself. I have a high paying job that I hate but am using it to downsize so I can go back to the police academy-my dream. I had to quit as a result of my spath. I don’t talk about my life with my coworkers. I keep to myself and don’t really speak unless spoken to. It is the only way to protect myself right now.