It is no accident that narcissistic and sociopathic personalities will seek, and often successfully attract, partners who have their own issue: a tendency to dread the idea of disappointing or displeasing them.
This is admittedly a generality, but it’s a pattern I’ve observed in my clinical experience, and it makes sense. The exploiter, who regards others as existing principally to satisfy his or her wants on a continual basis, must by definition find in a mate someone who is highly motivated—and especially, highly afraid not—to satisfy him or her.
Thus one often finds the pairing of an exploiter complemented by a partner who is prone, perhaps compulsively, to look inward to himself or herself as the cause of the exploiter’s dissatisfaction.
Clinically the goal is to encourage the over-accountable, overresponsible partner to examine this aspect of himself or herself. This is necessary given the fair assumption that sociopaths and narcissists are unlikely to genuinely reform their characteristically manipulative, selfish ways.
I’m often surprised in my work by the tenacious investment exploited partners make in solving the needs and complaints of their self-centered mates. Of course they’ll never succeed, but as long as they continue owning the exploiter’s blame for the latters’ discontent, they can keep trying, keep striving to be a better mate—to become, finally, the good-enough mate the exploiter has claimed to deserve all along.
Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation.
The exploiter, in other words, is looking much less for the perfect partner than the perfect scapegoat. For this reason the sociopath and many narcissists will recruit these qualities in a partner—qualities, for instance, of high self-doubt, high guilt, high fear of incurring others’ wrath or displeasure, and a strong tendency to self-blame.
Moreover individuals possessing these qualities will tend to be drawn to individuals who seem to be their counterpart in many ways—for instance confident, self-assured, powerful-seeming, unself-doubting, and perhaps unself-reflective. They may harbor the fantasy that the latters’ seeming strength and confidently entitled attitudes may prove a salutary complement to their self-questioning, self-doubting natures.
And this is certainly possible—this complementarity can theoretically work—in situations uncomplicated by sociopathy or narcissistic personality.
But when the more confident partner is a sociopath, or narcissist, this complementarity of personalities becomes a set-up. The less confident partner, whose tendency is to self-destructively accept the exploiter’s blame for the latter’s rages, discontent, abuse and general misery, becomes the perfect foil, the perfect dupe, for the sociopathic or narcissistic partner, who has it made, so to speak.
Again and again I encounter wonderful, thoughtful, emotionally generous individuals who are trapped less by their exploitative partners than the intolerable idea of themselves as failed mates. The result is their often intensified efforts to be found satisfactory by, and to obtain validation from, the exploiter.
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
hens, what about my “Spath-bait”? or “Suckerpunch?’ I love that,-they suck you in, then punch you out!.Or “Spathhook?
But I LOVE Fuc–tard!!A spatch cock isa small roasting chicken, but what about “Spathcock”?!!{Probably nothing to write home about!}
Or “Sucktard,-what vampires do, suck you dry.
Oh, just realised why Spaths have to keep looking in mirrors, thy re just checking that they are really THERE!
{A witch has no reflection, either in a mirror, or in water.}
As they have little or no soul,its a wonder they HAVE a reflection at all.They are sad, sick creatures, and maybe we should feel sorry for them. hell no, thats what sucked us in in the first place!! Love, Gem.XX
The exploiter is, of course, incapable of appreciating his or her partner’s devotion. But even if not, he or she would intentionally withhold such recognition anyway; his or her object, remember, rather than to uplift his or her partner, is calculatingly the opposite—to engender hopelessness and depression in him or her.
“On and on the cycle goes, until the vulnerable partner, just as the exploiter has sought, finally feels so low, incompetent and disempowered that he or she can’t seriously imagine a different future.
By now a form of despair has set in—the despair of expecting to be found just as wanting in future relationships as the present. Dangerous resignation follows this hopelessness—again, exactly the outcome the exploiter wants”.
How bloody true…amazing articles here.
I like Spathtard. Think I’ll start calling myself, Buffy. Buffy the Spathtard slayer.
as one of the original purveyors of f*cktard on this site, i must say it remains one of my faves.
have to tell you – it was the spath that introduced me to that word. 😉
and i also like ‘spath spit’ a lot – to denote the slime that lands on us whenever they open their mouths….
remember boys and girls, if their mouths are moving, they’re lying!
kim – i have ‘spathslayer’ as a password for something to do with the spath.
I think all these spath-analogies are for us survivors here at LF. But I agree with Muldoon – we should call them what they are – exploiters – opportunist – cons – because uneffected people can relate to that. When I used to tell people he is a sociopath, they looked at me like I was the weirdo..
Decision to divorce was hearbreaking. After I told him I don’t want to talk to him anymore, to comminicate thu lawyer, he KEEPS calling, leaving messages both on cell and home, and keeps emailing.
If he sends something related to divorce, I want to see it. So haven’t blocked his email. Is it normal that seeing his words really pulls at my heart strings?
Can you guys tell me HOW you stayed strong after deciding to divorce (if you have) despite the huge cost, risk, and sacrifice?
Seeing movers come to neighbors across street terrified me bec. that could be me if I lose home in divorce–which is a devastating possibility. How does one come to terms with these losses?
Please see the emails below and tell me if I am overreacting and being paranoid. I see a veiled threat in one of them, “hope we survive this” implying he’ll try to kill me in divorce, yes?
email 1:
“I hear you saying that after a long and very hard time you have decided our marriage doesn’t work, it’s dangerous to your health, you have decided to divorce and it’s too painful too waffle back and forth.
I understand and agree that with this decision we should let the lawyers handle our affairs. My emotions are too complicated too deal objectively and effectively with these things but I have no ill will. Your decision must be very hard for you and I respect your feelings and want to support you. I believe that is the essence of what I want to say now and why it is so hard to do. I understand and acknowledge the role I have played in our marriage and how Lousy it must have been for you all these years.
I understand that I have been emotionally detached and have not been an emotionally devoted husband for so long. For too long when confronted with this reality, whether in or out of therapy, my reaction was denial and defense and I did not understand how much you needed understanding and support and I apologize for how difficult this must have been for you. You have waited with faith and hope for so long for me to say that I am opening my heart to hear what is in your heart and what you need. You are a wonderful and beautiful Lady and you deserve everything you have dreamed for in our marriage. I believe in your dream and believe you have truly touched a part of me that has been asleep all my life. ”
email 2:
“This may sound strange but ok, I get it, you do not want to be my wife.
Just to be clear, I do not believe couples therapy had a chance but I do now. I told you I hated therapist 1 and did not trust therapist 2 and every session was punctuated by high anxiety excasperated by my anxiety over starting a high pressure new job, total exhaustion and extreme stress from a 2 hour rush hour commute to each session that left me totally drained and incapable of meeting the emotional demands of the crisis situation we were trying to resolve in those sessions.
Add to the above, my total disorientation of living alone and without any viable support system, my fears over losing any financial security we had worked 20 years to establish,
mine and my dad’s failing health and most importantly my terror at the hard reality that you appeared to hate me.
Add to that, the sad fact that I am just realizing, apparently too late, that I have contributed to our lousy marriage by being an emotionally detached husband, and I believe it would have been impossible for couples therapy to have achieved too much, let alone reconciliation in the short 10 months or so we attempted it.
But what’s done is done and I need to face reality.
Although I thought I could negotiate a divorce settlement on my own I was wrong. I need the help of an attorney because the demands of settling our affairs in the emotional and physically weakened state I find myself in are overwhelming and as you may have noticed prevent me from responding coherently, objectively and appropriately.
In light of the above and although I do not perceive the financial means to do so I have no choice but to hire an attorney. I am so sorry it has come to this. I never wanted our marriage to end and certainly not like this. I only wish we both survive the upcoming ordeal.
As you wish, our attorneys will handle our affairs and we do not need to share our emotions.
I do not know what else to do or say except I am so sad we have come to this and do not wish you any ill will. Hopefully, we will be able to have both ours and [D’s] needs met in a fair and equitable way. ”
______________________________
Dancing-I hate it how they say ” I wish you no ill will”. Mine said that to me when he called me four months after discarding me. That’s when he said he was sorry but I had to understand that his horrible childhood was why he did it. He made sure to tell me about how his wife had taken him back-AGAIN!-all the time knowing that I still loved him and was in tons of pain over him. Dude, just rub my nose in it a little more!!
Erin1972,
Being so self-preoccupied makes it impossible to see the other person, or the impact of his actions. I am very sorry you had to experience that.
For me, who is aware of others’ feelings and who has compassion for others, it is hard to grasp that someone can be so callous, indifferent, oblivious, selfish. If it does not benefit him somehow, it’s irrelevant.
Took me forever to believe the degree of self-centeredness.
Dancing-their level of self-centeredness is just astounding to me. That’s how I know that they are NOT normal. I am pretty embarrassed by the fact that I fell for someone who is NOT normal-someone who never existed at all. I fell for the person he was pretending to be.